Advice re. my irritation

joyfull

Hi Peeps,

I'm a bit nervous posting this but here goes.

I get easily irritated with my OH & I don't like myself being that way. We don't live together but have loads of contact & have been together for over 10 yrs. I love him a lot & I know it hurts him when I'm impatient (I try to hide it, but it kind of seeps out). I'm not always like this & can go long periods with no irritation so this isn't about changing him but looking at myself. (btw I'm menopausal, but I don't want to use that as an excuse).

I battle with this & really want to be more tolerant as I'm aware life is short & want to enjoy being with my loved one.

I'd be grateful for any thoughts. Thanks.

Lilacblue

Hello Joyfull

I'm sorry this is causing you some upset. But can you give some more detail? What is happening that you are getting 'impatient' with?

We all get shirty sometimes - that in itself isn't unusual. But you seem to be almost guilty about this, and taking all the responsibility. Why is it all so bad?

joyfull

Lilacblue wrote: »

Hello Joyfull

I'm sorry this is causing you some upset. But can you give some more detail? What is happening that you are getting 'impatient' with?

We all get shirty sometimes - that in itself isn't unusual. But you seem to be almost guilty about this, and taking all the responsibility. Why is it all so bad?

It's things like - when he has to have the last word, needs to be right all the time, forgets things I've told him over & over, obsesses about his health - it's this kind of stuff.

I do feel guilty about being intolerant - I never realised that I did though.

It's all a horrible feeling inside & I want to be free of it. I feel I'm wasting our time together by letting this stuff simmer on.

Zimm190

I totally understand, I'm just the same! Some things that my OH does drives me nuts - things like leaving his wet towel on the floor when he stays over, doing half a job when washing up, leaving boy mess all over the flat, never making the bed....all petty stuff but really gets on my nerves!

We're moving in together next month and we've both agreed to make a big effort. Rows will come from things that he does (such as above) but the way I react to them. I'm fully aware that I'm the difficult one so it's up to me to do something about it!

My mum advised me to make a mental list of ten things he does that wind me up and then agree to let them go. E.g., the toilet seat. He does try to remember to put it down but more often than not doesn't and I'm just going to have to live with this.

However, OH has told me that part of the problem comes from the way I say things, eg., instead of saying something like "well well, what's this, another wet towel on the floor, I wonder how that got there?!" (bit exaggerated but you know what I mean) I should be plain and just say "please will you pick your towel up?" or "please will you put the toilet seat down next time?".

Your OH forgets things a lot, so does mine, how about writing a list of things to remember on the fridge or something? Like "Friday 17th, Mike's leaving do"...etc. It might help and if he knows important things are on the list he'll get into the habit of checking it.

joyfull

Zimm190 wrote: »

I totally understand, I'm just the same! Some things that my OH does drives me nuts - things like leaving his wet towel on the floor when he stays over, doing half a job when washing up, leaving boy mess all over the flat, never making the bed....all petty stuff but really gets on my nerves!

We're moving in together next month and we've both agreed to make a big effort. Rows will come from things that he does (such as above) but the way I react to them. I'm fully aware that I'm the difficult one so it's up to me to do something about it!

My mum advised me to make a mental list of ten things he does that wind me up and then agree to let them go. E.g., the toilet seat. He does try to remember to put it down but more often than not doesn't and I'm just going to have to live with this.

However, OH has told me that part of the problem comes from the way I say things, eg., instead of saying something like "well well, what's this, another wet towel on the floor, I wonder how that got there?!" (bit exaggerated but you know what I mean) I should be plain and just say "please will you pick your towel up?" or "please will you put the toilet seat down next time?".

Your OH forgets things a lot, so does mine, how about writing a list of things to remember on the fridge or something? Like "Friday 17th, Mike's leaving do"...etc. It might help and if he knows important things are on the list he'll get into the habit of checking it.

Making lists etc is a good practical way of eliminating trigger situations & a good idea. There's a saying that we should chose our battles & I think that is another way of just 'letting things go'. A lot of irritation is just ruminating over & over about stuff rather that stopping, smelling the roses & moving on.

Thanks for the reply, appreciate your thoughts on this - you've got me thinking & also it's reassuring I'm not alone in this.

Raggs_2

A computer programmer friend of mine recently wrote a program about the toilet seat issue. He found the fairest method was to leave it as you needed it, both sides do equal work.

My OH has always wondered why other women have such a problem with the position of the seat (so do I). So what is it? Please, explain why it's sometimes such a big deal?

EDIT - And to the OP, if you are going through the menopause then your hormones will be out of kilter, and whilst it's very good not to use this as an excuse, it could very much be an additional factor adding to your irritation (though it doesn't mean you then have the excuse to attack).

paddy's_mum

If you have actually put into words directly to him the things that he does that drive you crazy, what part of this "simmering on" is as a direct result of him expecting you to tolerate what he can't be bothered to think aboutand alter?

The things that you mention as being somehow minor are not. Have you yet realised that his 'faults' are based on an arrogant attitude and that perhaps you are "guilty" of nothing more than being taken for granted, and used as a convenient, uncomplaining listening station?

Zimm190

Raggs wrote: »

A computer programmer friend of mine recently wrote a program about the toilet seat issue. He found the fairest method was to leave it as you needed it, both sides do equal work.

My OH has always wondered why other women have such a problem with the position of the seat (so do I). So what is it? Please, explain why it's sometimes such a big deal?

For me the problem is that because of a man I have to touch the toilet seat, which I hate doing, it's disgusting! Men have to touch the toilet see anyway, switching between up and down for number 1 and number 2, respectively.

If it wasn't for men I would never have to touch the toilet seat!

shaven-monkey

Zimm190 wrote: »

For me the problem is that because of a man I have to touch the toilet seat, which I hate doing, it's disgusting! Men have to touch the toilet see anyway, switching between up and down for number 1 and number 2, respectively.

If it wasn't for men I would never have to touch the toilet seat!

You levitate over the seat while you're using the loo?

euronorris

Zimm190 wrote: »

For me the problem is that because of a man I have to touch the toilet seat, which I hate doing, it's disgusting! Men have to touch the toilet see anyway, switching between up and down for number 1 and number 2, respectively.

If it wasn't for men I would never have to touch the toilet seat!

You could always use a bit of tissue or a cloth to lift it? Might help?

I don't get it either. Doesn't bother me. He has to lift it to use it, so why can't i put it back down again when he occasionally forgets?

But, everyone has those things that annoys them and everyone's different.

Zimm190

shaven-monkey wrote: »

You levitate over the seat while you're using the loo?

Granted my bottom does indeed touch the seat but it's my hands that concern me....I don't tend to touch much else with my bottom! All I can do is wash my hands thoroughly but it's annoying that the toilet seat would be down if a man hadn't put it up.

I know it doesn't bother some women but for me....yuk!