Love but not in Love

PIPPER_2

gibboking wrote:

I try and arrange for us to do things together and as a family, but he never seems interested.

Sunday he gets up at 4-5am and goes fishing until about 2pm (this is a hobby he has had since he was very young, and i wouldnt expect him to give it up for me) then he sleeps until about 5ish and most of the day is gone. then its teatime and getting little one to bed by 8ish then he is asleep on the sofa again by 10pm.

I ask him what he wants from life and he just shrugs his shoulders and says he hasnt really thought about it.
I have told him what i want: see the world, have fun and live a little and that i would like to do it with him and our son, but i know and he has said this that he isnt interested in doing these kind of things, but he is happy for us to still do them without him.
I cant help feeling that I am wasting my life hoping that things will change, I have been trying for 2 years now and nothing has improved.
If we are going to go our seperate ways then I would rather do it now while our son is still young and less likely to be upset by it all.

Hi, have been reading with great interest, it sounds kind of familiar to a friend of mine.
From reading, it seems he has been influenced by his upbringing, his parents expectations of life and he is in this rut quite happily. He seems a bit lazy but not when it comes to doing what he wants, ie fishing.
Obviously I don't have the right to judge nor will I - but forget chatting about it, be plain direct and blunt. Tell him that things have to, are going to change for all your sakes and give it atrial period. If that drags and he doesn't respond, you have to be true to yourself, and all the time and energy you have put into making it work.
However, if you feel no love for him don't hang in there in hope-release both of you and you will regain the happy person you were.
The best of luck for whatever you decide x

gibboking

I agree that he is stuck in a rut, but I also believe that he is quite happy there.
This is killing me because he is a good man, and I don't want to hurt him. He was never really my type, I had always gone for the badboy before, enjoying a goodnight out, a bit of a row then making up after.
Hubby was a safe bet as I knew that he would never hurt me, but we dont even row, we have never rowed. I do sometimes try and start one mainly out of frustration, but i never get a reaction.
I work myself up for the big talk, then he does something and it makes me think are you really sure you dont love him. and then i cant do it.
All week when he is away, iam happy, sure of my thoughts, then he comes home and i doubt myself. I dont want to get it wrong for everyones sake mine included.
But this is on my mind all of the time, I havent been able to sleep properly for thinking about it, I feel sick and very confused. Why is life so complicated?

ginjill

Been there, got the t shirt as they say.....ex was businessman, into art, got greedy, although we hadf 4 galleries in Northern ireland, he went to London, near the Tate Modern..to sell russian Art...bought top of the range BMW X5, unknown to me hadnt paid mortgage for 6 months, kids nursery..im a parttime nurse, 3 kids..then under7...now under 11...............Love may conquer all..but not with us, he buried his head in the sand..ran to Bournemouth, phoned kids 3 times in a year.........i couldnt sell house due to his fiancial probs...his mum died ..he got IVA,spent 4 months in a psychiatric hospital, no job, no car, one bed flat, unsuitable for kids...cant move on....i managed to get divorced got equity of house less 2 mortgages..one a business loan....moved a lot from the city, spent a mint on petrol...but bought an old caravan...the kids and i have fun now!..he was never about...so dont miss him for the chores.........i tow a caravan..never thought i would but we are all so much happier.................debt is a crippler..i still work, wish he would to, but just says tell the kids "no2 when they want something....he went to public school in the islse of man, apartment in florida ect..and doesnt give a !!!! re his kids....so ladies its very hard but we can do it alone

gibboking

Well an hour ago I went to bed to try and get some sleep but ended up thinking even more and burst into tears.
Hubby woke up, gave me a cuddle and asked what was wrong.
I tried to tell him that I dont want to live in this house anymore and that i want to go back to my mums. He asked if I wanted to go without him and I said I think so.
He asked why and i explained that I dont know if I truly love him anymore or wether the stress of debt etc are all just too much and i need a break from that and him.
I was about to explain that I think we should sell or rent the house out and live with our parents for a while, whilst we or I decide what I want, when he asked me what the time was, I told him it was 1.30am (not great timing I know) and he swore at me oh for Fs sake cant we talk about this later, Its not like we can sort anything out now and i have got to get up for work in 3 hours. If you really want to go back to your mums then i cant stop you!
Rolled over and shut his eyes!!
I got out of bed to come down stairs, he asked where was i going. I told him downstairs so i dont disturb his sleep, and here I am an hour later all cried out and feeling pretty angry that he seems to not care.

seven-day-weekend

He doesn't want to talk about it at all does he? Maybe he's hoping it will all go away if he doesn't talk about it, or maybe he really believes he can't do anything about it.....he's somehow going to have to be made to talk about it, use the time when you are on your own when your mum has your son.

I don't think him working away is doing much for the relationship......he must be worn out. Is it not possible for him to work more locally?


Right now, have yourself a cup of tea and a bun and try and get yourself some sleep.

lisa_75

seven-day-weekend wrote:

He doesn't want to talk about it at all does he? Maybe he's hoping it will all go away if he doesn't talk about it, or maybe he really believes he can't do anything about it.....he's somehow going to have to be made to talk about it, use the time when you are on your own when your mum has your son.

I don't think him working away is doing much for the relationship......he must be worn out. Is it not possible for him to work more locally?


Right now, have yourself a cup of tea and a bun and try and get yourself some sleep.

I agree. there is lots going on here. The working away, the debt, are all putting a huge strain on the relationship. Is it possible that you are seeing the debt before the marriage gibboking and see splitting up and selling the house as a way of getting out of debt?

Have you been on the debt free board? there are a fantastic bunch there and maybe posting and trying to sort out your debt would make you feel like you are doing something. Please don't throw away your marriage and your son's stable life for the sake of money. I have been ready to throw in the towel because of money, blamed everything on my husband as he is the main breadwinner, but I know that despite everything he is a solid, dependable man whom I love and that is worth holding on to.

I will be thinking of you today. Marriage and debt problems can be very painful to deal with and many of us on here know what you are going through.

squibbs25

I understand the bit about him having his hobby and while you dont resent it, do you wish that for just one day he would rather spend some with you and your little one? So at least you can feel wanted?
Have you asked him to do something with you and lo on a sunday so that you can be a family. Yes it does mean missing a sunday's fishing, but spending time with the family is a small price to pay.
On the other side of the coin, you have never showed there is a problem with the sunday morning fishing, he probally isnt aware there is one!

I also understand that while he works away, you feel neglected.
Is it possible he feels bad at having to work away? and that he knows he's missing out on you and your lo?
but as you are on your own all week, you do a very good job of managing lo,home-life ,work, hobbies, and all other important matters, does he feel there is no room for him? does he feel redundant (as a hubby and as a dad?)
i can give a little example of my own on that one:
Hubby worked nights for 3 and a half years, which meant i was the only parent with the children most of the time, (hubby would leave for work about 3.45pm just after they came home from school and nursey at 3.30pm and come home at 4.30am while we were all asleep, He then got up about 11.30am to begin his day, but the kids were in school and nursery. Anyway to cut along story short (and without hi-jacking your thread ) Both ds and dd used to only ask me for things. One particular afternoon, ds ( who was 7 at the time) called to me upstairs for a biscuit, Nothing wrong with this i hear the brains click, well ds had actually walked passed his dad who was sitting at the table with a cup of coffe and the biscuit tin. But instead of asking dad for the biscuit, he callled me. Hubby was deeply upset by this, i had to explain gently that because he was rarely at home at the same time as him, they were more dependant on me. Hope that makes some sort of sense! LOL
This set the ball in motion and hubby started looking for a new job, more local to home. The only problem was that the wages in this area are very very poor. He finally started his new job last week. He has had to take a pay cut, but the less travelling time and expenses should even out the pay-cut ( i hope LOL) Typical, changes to a day job at the begining of summer hols hmmmmmmmm............ LOL
Anyway getting back to the matter in hand............
i know you recieve support from your family, is there any possibilty that you could go to your mums for a few hours leaving lo with his/her dad? Your hubby will see a different side to family life? I would personally would tell him he has lo on sunday morning as your mum needs help with something.
In an earlier post you said 'he's not normally my type' does your hubby realise this and is expecting you to leave? Does he feel inadiquat (sp) as a man?
For him maybe he's living the dream.....meaning he never thought you'd be his wife......... and now he's scared of it ending. Therefore if he burries his head? Who knows. Does he feel that if he talks you will still leave anyway, taking lo with you?
Sorry for so many questions, only you know how you truely feel. Would you be able to write a letter to him explaining everything?
Or even writing it down for yourself may help.
As for going away for the weekend, if you are at an all time low, (please dont shoot me down for this) maybe now is not the best time to go if you think you will be easily led. You may get attention from a man but at the end of the day its not attention from just ANY man you want, its the attention from your hubby you crave, which isnt a bad thing!
Failing that, send him an email with this link and let him read................................

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
Hugs to you and lo.

Squibbs

gibboking

I think the main problem is the debt.
And i do nag hubby about it constantly, mainly because he is the one with the big spending habits and I am left to pick up the pieces.
I start a new job in september which will bring in more money, and hopefully new friends etc.
My hubby enjoys his job but doesnt like being away from home but at the moment we cant afford for him to change jobs as this one is quite well paid, and there is nothing around paying that kind of money locally (i have been looking)
We are on a DMP with CCCS so that has took a bit of pressure off the finances, but every time we end up with a bit of extra cash I wnt to use it for sensible things ie paying off debt etc and he wants to splash out.
I know it is hard for him as when we first got together everything money wise was fine we could do what we wanted when we wanted, now as i sort out all finances down to the last penny he has to ask me if he can have this that or the other. And most of the time it is NO! Then I feel guilty that he is working away for nothing really, we are both working hard and cant enjoy ourselves when we are together sadly.
I think i do sometimes see us splitting up as a soloution to our financial problems but i know in the long run this would be a mistake, I dont think I could bare him to be with someone else and viceversa.
He has rang me this morning saying sorry about last night, I also apologised as 2am isnt a good time for deep talking but then when is?
He is going to try and get a couple of days off so we can see what to do about our situation.
No he wasnt my type when we met but he was safe, dependable, and loving not rough and ready like past boyfriends. I know that if I had gone for another rough and ready type then I would probably been hurt 10 times over by now, i do love him but it is hard to show it to each other sometimes as we are under so much pressure, time wise and money wise.
He is off tomorrow so I will let you all know how we get on. I am not expecting miracles just a bit of understanding on both sides and a way forward (one that we stick to!!).
Thanks to all of you for your sound advice.

hobo28

It sounds to me like you have 2 kids in your life. Your hubby being one of them. You've become the nagging wife, doing the chores, balancing the books etc. and he's withdrawn more and more.

You managing the finances must be a terrible dent to his male pride. I'm not saying your wrong to do so. Extreme situations call for extreme answers. Your in debt, it makes sense the person who's best at doing it sorts it out. But as all women know, the male ego is a fragile thing!

Not sure how to break the vicious circle but a few things you've said makes me think that you shouldn't give up yet. You say you love him and can't bear the thought of him being with someone else. Thats a good sign.

Splitting up would make your financial problems worse, not better. Your debts would still be there yet now the two of you have seperate bills to pay AND still raise your child.

Its too easy to focus on all the bad things. Take some time to think about all the good things in life too. When I get down, I watch the news and realise that many people have it a lot worse than I do. Kinda makes me feel better in a perverse sort of way.

gibboking

I dont think that my husband would be up for counselling, I would.
I think thta we need to have a good old row, (we have never done this) and get it off our chests.
I know I hold a lot of resentment towards his parents for owing us money (£5500, we lent them when we were ok for cash and they were struggling, they were paying us back £200pm then it stopped for over a year, and hubby did nothing about it, I went bonkers at in laws and they now give us £20pw reluctantly) and i take it out on him. When he wants cash for fags and i moan saying we cant afford it, i will sometimes have a little dig and say go and ask your parents for some money. They just make me mad as they know we are struggling and they could be giving us more back than £20pw. Hubbys nan died recently leaving FIL some cash i dont know exact amount, but it was enough for him to be able to redecorate, new carpets, new fishing rods. He did give OH and his Bro and Sis £100 each. And they had sold 8 pedigree puppies for £300 each and we were given £50! They could have cleared alot of the money off. Perhaps my morals are higher because if i owed my son that amount of money I would be making every effort to pay him back asap, especially if i knew they were now struggling themselves.
I'm not really mad about the money more the principal of it all and the fact that hubby does nothing about it unless i really, really go on and on.
There are many factors eating away at our relationship but we both need to understand each other and work together to get through it.
Today I am determned to fight and save my marriage and sanity!