Love but not in Love

rchddap1

Its not a terrible thing to wish that he goes away again. Its like having a lodger decend on you every weekend. You prepare things to make sure that everything is as it should be...spend the time rushing around making sure your 'guest' is provided for. And then they leave again.

How much of that 2 days do you spend together as 'couple time'. Not necessarily going out, but time for just the both of you. Or are you both doing your own thing. If its the second then its no surprise that you're growing apart.

lisa_75

gibboking wrote:

I have a job, I am currently doing a course in playwork, i sell avon, I deliver takeawys some evenings and i also give my elderly neighbours and grandparents lifts to hospital appointments, shopping etc.
I go to the gym 3 times a week (more if i can), walk the dogs everyday, sometimes clean my mums house as a thankyou for looking after me and my son.
I start a fulltime job in september so i will have to reorganise myself as i enjoy doing all of the above.
I just feel like Iam on my own in this relationship and dont know how else to encourage hubby to see things my way or even make some suggestions.
He has to work away as we need the money and there are no local jobs that pay as well (i do look in the local paper every week).
I look forward to him coming home mainly so that my son can spend sometime with his dad and i can get some peace! 2 days of him and I cant wait for monday so he can go back to work, how awful is that?

You sound like you have a really full life as does your husband by the sound of it, so what exactly is it you want from your husband? What would be different if your husband wasn't there? Do you think the fantastic perfect man would come and whisk you off your feet? Ask yourself this question and try to define what is missing and you may come up with why you are unhappy.

I bet your husband is knackered working away so much. Give him some space. You cant expect him to work 5/6 days a week and come home and be all singing, all dancing super husband. Marriage is not all hearts and flowers. Sometimes it is tough just to get through the week, never mind be romantic.

Ganyam

Unfortunately I cant tell you which way to, its something you’ll have to decide for yourself and hopefully you’ll make the correct decision, I know how you feel as ive been there.

Good luck and I do hope everything works out right for you.

gibboking

We do both have full lives, but when he is home I try and arrange for us to do things together and as a family, but he never seems interested.
As i said before my mum has had little one all night and we have done nothing. we could go away together and he doesnt want to go.
He is home friday night through to Sunday, Friday we stay in and have an early night as he is very tired, Saturday he runs around getting stuff ready for fishing on sunday, sleeps on the sofa in the afternoon and plays on the computer. I ask if he wants to walk the dogs with me and he always says no so I just dont ask anymore. We arrange to see friends and he cancels at the last minute for no real reason, with the excuse that we can stay in and spend some time together (that doesnt happen as he gets on the computer).
Sunday he gets up at 4-5am and goes fishing until about 2pm (this is a hobby he has had since he was very young, and i wouldnt expect him to give it up for me) then he sleeps until about 5ish and most of the day is gone. then its teatime and getting little one to bed by 8ish then he is asleep on the sofa again by 10pm.
I have been really trying and feel as though i am getting nothing back.
I make my self look nice (well i think i look alright) and he never comments unless prompted by me, which i shouldnt have to do.
I ask him what he wants from life and he just shrugs his shoulders and says he hasnt really thought about it.
I have told him what i want: see the world, have fun and live a little and that i would like to do it with him and our son, but i know and he has said this that he isnt interested in doing these kind of things, but he is happy for us to still do them without him. But i want to share these moments with someone who wants to do them with me. I feel like a single parent, except the father stays for the weekend.
We are hardly ever intamate anymore, twice a month tops, and most of the time I give in for peace.
I have explained that i dont feel like it as there is no loving first, we get in to bed he gets frisky, has his fill rollsover and goes to sleep. I know he isnt using me but I feel llike it at times, as there is never any loving before or after.
I cant help feeling that I am wasting my life hoping that things will change, I have been trying for 2 years now and nothing has improved.
If we are going to go our seperate ways then I would rather do it now while our son is still young and less likely to be upset by it all.

rizla01

Hmmm.

Hi Gibboking

I'm a bloke and have gotten out of a stale relationship and have rarely looked back.

You probably will never know but perhaps he is also unhappy with the relationship.

As you say, he seems pretty laid back as were his parents regarding the monies owed to you. Obviously something that will never change if his parents are anything to go by.

My OH was very laid back and if it weren't for me we wouldn't have gotten our own house - she only wanted to rent. Absolutely no ambition and it wrecked my life.

I stayed for 25 years and every day I look back and wish to god I'd have had the guts to do the right thing.

You only get one go at life so my advice would be to have an affair and leave or just go!

If you are important enough to him then perhaps he will try to get you back but somehow, I doubt it.

If you ever thought anything of him then give him the opportunity to find someone better suited to his ways. someone that'll be good for him and be happy with his lack of drive.

Tough call I know but good luck.

At your lovely young age you will find a lot of happiness out there for you and the sprogs.

By the way - the stress and worry of a break-up will take care of those extra pounds - you'll see.

lisa_75

Have you thought about a short, sharp shock? Pack up yours and the kiddies things and go to your mums for 2 weeks?

I think men are very lazy and selfish if we let them and many will do as they please if the women in their lives don't keep them in check. It sounds like you have been too soft. if I had arranged to see friends and my husband cancelled he would get a swift kick up the backside!

Arrange a day out. Tell him that what you are doing and that is that. If he moans or complains, tell him to stop being such a selfis b****rd as you are doing it for your child. I am a very calm woman, but when my husband hears me raise my voice he knows he is in serious trouble. Feel the anger and let it out. Sometimes it is the only way a man will listen.

Think back to your wedding day? Why did you marry him? Is there nothing at all left?

Minky2Slice

lisa_75 wrote:

I If a man is not violent or sleeping around try and make it work. To find a man who is prepared to work hard to keep his family is a blessing. Do you really think you would be better off alone? You would still be skint but would have to deal with a 2 year old who has just had their world blown apart by their parents spiltting.
.

I dont agree at all!!!

maybe years ago, but these days there are so much more to life - especially for a 25yo - than having a man that is not violent or sleeping around!! there is so much more another person can offer, no - SHOULD offer - that would be the reason 2 people are together isnt it? why be stuck in a position that get you absolutely nothing positive, just worries and negativity - towards husband, inlaws, surely you are not at all happy and this rubs off on son? doesnt sound like hubby spends time with his son? dont feel that you should stay because of son... he wont be blown away, it might be more positive for him, as his mum will be more happy in life, and he'll posible get to spend more time with dad!
personally i wont be able to share my life with someone without any ambition in life, and not even worried to work at saving his marriage! you said that you are changing yourself - i assume that means losing weight etc like how you were when you got married. I dont think its unfair to expect your partner to maintain themselves in the way you were before marriage (socially as well as physical appearance)
sure sounds like you get nothing good out of this relationship?
you mentioned debt, losing friends, no social life, no-one to spend quality time together, all of this seems to be negatively impacting on your life.. you didnt mention any good point of this relationship? are there any or are you only looking at the negative points/ if not what is the point?
you dont seem to be getting anything a marriage should be offering!!
on a more positive note - why not make a list of all the good point your husband brings to your life/ or all the things you'd lose by seperating from him?

kal25

Hi, you mentioned being able to go away with your friend. Go. One it will give as someone else mentioned time to yourself and a rest from your son. you may find you feel a little bit like the old you again. Two it may jolt him into realising what it could be like if you left. Whatever you decide be happy.

Chrismojam

seven-day-weekend wrote:

I did wonder if gibboking was depressed. OH seems like he's the sort of very reserved person who doesn't speak unless he has anything to say; I know a few people like this, they are very heavy going. ... Anyway...I digress.....it's very difficult if someone won't talk..

Are you inside my head!!! Sorry, was trying to get to the end of the post before posting.....but then I saw this...my relationship to a tee...........love him immensley..........but when I feel like talking and get nothing back..........ooh soo :mad: However, being the reserved person i am (not as much as him!)...I don't let it out!!

rchddap1

Sounds like he's a drifter. Doesn't really care what happens...as long as he can do what he wants. As a result the needs of people around him don't factor in as highly as they should.

I do think you should go away with your friends. I would also suggest that if you feel like going out....stuff him and arrange to go with some of your friends. It isn't fair that you end up sitting at home alone at weekends simply waiting for him to say..."come on then lets do something". At least that's my view.

However, as he's a drifter you may find that when you come back from your break you don't get much of a response from him. If any at all.

If you've tried everything to do stuff together then I would suggest that you go out and live your life. You don't have to walk up to him and say you want to break up. Go out and enjoy yourself. It sounds like you need a bit of fun, joy and relaxation in your life....other than the worry of what you are going to do about your relationship. Find out what happens when he comes home at a weekend and he finds that you're busy...and have a smile on your face. A smile and a bit of fun can do wonders.

Remember its his relationship too and these things need work from both people.

But only you know what you really want. Only you know what the right course of action is.