Love but not in Love

gibboking

I have a dilemma and would appreciate some advice.
I have been with my Oh for 7 years, i am now 25, oh 29. We have a 2year old son, mortgage , debts, dogs etc.
I love my husband but not in the way that I should, I don't feel any sparks at all. He is like my best friend, we talk about everything, I just can't talk to him about the way I feel about us. I can always start the conversation off but end up so upset that I can't carry on and then just make out I am ok with everything and was just sounding off.
When we met I was slim attractive, confident and knew what I wanted from life. I am now 3st overweight, hardly ever go out, have no real friends, i feel lost within myself.
My oh has always been shy, not one to socialise (has only been to my parents for meals 3 times) and enjoys lonely hobbies ie internet and fishing.
I never thought I would end up this miserable.
Oh works away 5-6 days of the week and while he is away I do a lot of thinking mainly about how i really enjoy being on my own and how I know I can cope without him, I get on well with dieting and going to the gym etc and feel really good about myself and pluck up the courage to tell Oh that I think we should split.
Then he comes home and I just cant do it, I dont want to break his heart and I havent got any answers to questions i know he will ask. Like Why?
When I have been quite down before we have talked about seperating for a while to see how we feel, but does that ever work.
to seperate we would have to sell our house as we cannot afford to live seperatly and keep the house as ALL of our income goes into the house and bills, we have no extra cash at all.
But what if we decide to give it another go and have sold our house and everything.
I know that if we stay as we are I will start to resent him and eventually we will not get on.
I have never said anything to my mum about this but the other day she asked me if I love my husband. I said yes why dont you think I do. and she said no.
My best friend from school who i hadnt seen for a while as she lived away, visited theother day and was upset to see me like this. She asked where the old fun Vicky had gone.
Is this just a 7 year itch or is my marriage doomed?

Midas

gibboking wrote:

I know that if we stay as we are I will start to resent him and eventually we will not get on.

If you are certain about this, something has to change. It would be more painful for both of you if you let things drift to the resentment stage. On the other hand, change doesn't not necessarily mean ending it. You need to work at it. Can't you explain to him that you feel that the spark is going (maybe don't say gone) and that you think you both need to put some work in to get the spark back. Are that not things you could try to reinvigorate the relationship? Has the sex dried-up?

How much of this is due to your low self-esteem? If you work on improving this it might help? It would seem very rash to pronounce the marriage dead, as you have so much together.

Good luck

hobo28

I think after a while, the sparks naturally die down. When I met my partner the sparks were there. Now they are only there when we're arguing!

Try not to focus on what is wrong but also consider what is right. Your both still young and have just started a family. The strain is usually enormous. Did you love your husband before children came along?

When my daughter was young, I worked away a lot too. It does put a lot of pressure on your relationship as you are effectively left raising the child on your own.

The fact your best friends and can still talk I think suggests that the relationship may not necessarily be doomed.

seven-day-weekend

Being best friends is a great start, a lot of couples are not even that.

I have been married for 35 years and at one point our normally very happy marriage was going through a strained point and it was being best friends not husband and wife, or lovers, that enabled us to come through it.

However, you do need to sit and talk about things with your husband. It takes two to have a relationship. He won't know how you are feeling if you don't tell him.

Can't you go fishing with him occasionally? Maybe your mum could look after the child for a few hours. And he should also do something you want to do sometimes.

And maybe you should try and do something you BOTH like!

This relationship seems to have too much promise to give up on altogether.

gibboking

we have been having chats about our relationship fo the last 2 years and things go well for a while then we end up at square 1 again.
a lot of it is down to my self esteem but i can work on it when he isnt around. because i havent got to worry about him.
If we go out he never seems to be enjoying himself which rubs on to me as i feel like i have to keep him company in the corner rather than being on the dance floor like I want to be.
We had a talk a while ago and i said how i felt ( i was a bit drunk) and his reaction upset me. he said well if you want to leave i cant stop you, he made no attempts to try and work things out he just sat there looking in to space.
All of the conversations about our relationship are started by me it as though he is happy the way things are.
Some of our problems are down to cash too. I am trying to dig ourselves out of debt, i have to deal with everything, tell the gas i cant afford to pay them this month etc, and he just wants to spend all of the time.
We went into a DMP a while ago and my husband had given up smoking, so it wasnt included in our budget, he is now smoking again and doesnt understand that we cant afford for him to smoke £40 a week a way.
His parents owe us a lot of money which we lent to them when we were well off. and they now cant afford to pay us back and oh has done nothing about it, even though i go on and on at him. even if they could only give us £10 a week its better than nothing. ( they owe us £5500)
I feel that i will never get his full support on things that matter to me, like he knows I am trying to lose weight and when he is home he offers me food all of the time.
I am getting upset now cos when i write it down it makes me realise that if this was a friend telling me this I would tell her to get out. but it is so hard.

wigginsmum

I think, my dear, that you should consider concentrating on yourself first - get some hobbies, make some new friends, get fit, get yourself out of the house. It seems like you've both got into a rut and it's easily done, and I don't think children help in a troubled relationship. Do you work? It must be hard on him working away 5-6 days a week.

Have you explored why your best efforts come to a grinding halt when he's around? Does he expect things to never change?

Wickedkitten

Are you depressed at all?

gibboking

Im not depressed just frustrated.
I feel like i am the only one trying to make it work.
I was working parttime as I wanted to care for our son but In september I am starting a new job which will be almost full time and double my wages.
But while i am thinking the extra money can go towards paying off our debts hes talikng about redoing the kitchen ( we did it 4 years ago) or buying himself a new car which he has goy a need for as i have a car and he goes to work with his boss in the work van.
He sold his xbox which he didnt use and i was planning on banking the cash, the next thing i know is he has bought a radio controlled car which he hasnt got time for.
We both talk about spending time together, when he is home my parents sometimes have son overnight so we can go out etc ( they sometimes give us money to go out to) but oh never feels like it so we end up staying in witha takeaway, then hubby falls asleep on sofa and wont wake up and i go to bed thinking what a waste of time.
Then he comments on the lack of sex! I have changed, he hasnt and should i expect him to change to make me happy.

beverleyhills

Is there anyone you trust that you can talk to about the way you are feeling. Your mum may be very perceptive and be able to help. She may reveal something about her own relationship that you have never known.

If not, you could seek counselloring from Relate on your own and talk to someone who can be objective about your feelings.

Do you know what you want from your marriage? What do you want from your husband to make you feel happier. What can you both do to achieve a compromise.

You have the strongest building block for marriage, you are best friends. You have a child you both love. You can cope with him being away from home several days a week.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Love takes many forms.

seven-day-weekend

I did wonder if gibboking was depressed. OH seems like he's the sort of very reserved person who doesn't speak unless he has anything to say; I know a few people like this, they are very heavy going. My friend's daughter who is 18, is like this, she has only ever spoken to me once! (other than when I have asked her a direct question). Her father is the same, but I've known him for 35 years, so he does speak to me now!

Anyway...I digress.....it's very difficult if someone won't talk, although I personally can understand why he acted as he did when gibboking said she was thinking of leaving. It's because you are so devastated that your lover thinks like that when you assumed everything was OK. If you are a reserved person, you will take that hurt deep inside you and not let it show, because it is too painful and makes you too vulnerable. To the other person it just comes across as couldnt care less.

However....he HAS to open up and take things on board otherwise things will get worse and not better. Would he go to RELATE? (Maybe on his own to start with if he finds it dificult to discuss things in front of his wife).

Gibboking maybe should try and work on her self-esteem, carry on with the diet even though he is not supportive (although to him offereing food may be his way of showing love). Maybe even get a little part-time job if mum will help out. I found going to work did a lot for my self-esteem.

Just a few thoughts, I don't profess to have all the answers, but hope it helps.

beverleyhills

You have given us more information since I started typing my first message. I think you do need to make an appointment with Relate.