Child Contact??

simon4amiee

He goes to my mothers on Tuesdays for tea, and he was allowed to call me, to which he is absolute tears, and my mum said she has never seen him like that, and the real choker is daddy cant you just give my mum the money so I can see you.

she has demanded, demanded, blackmailed in the past like I say based on the CSA calc I only had to ever pay £38 a month, so she stopped it going through CSA and I had to pay her direct of £150, which is fair enough, but having moved towns to get away from her, she said she will get it out of my son and sort us out. I contacted the CSA and found out I had arrears from 2002-3 and have offered to pay that monthly too, but apparently she cannot set up a new case until the old one is settled, she is again demanding the £150, or I never hear, or see him again.

All I wanted was the CSA to pay her so she couldn’t demand it from me. I am applying for a shared residence order now. Its amazing how someone can easily use a child and tell him its my fault, I promised him no matter what I will do whatever it takes to see him, and that I love him, I do feel now is the time to make it legal and have waited years so he could partly understand, I know aged 8-9 is young but he does understand , and often asks me why his mum is nasty, and he really shouldn’t be saying stuff like that about his mother, regardless if its true, I tell him we both love him and always will. In actual hours spent with him, I am with him more than his mum, he always goes to bed as soon as we drop him off or my mum does.

Her

7.30am - 9.00am mon-fri
4.45pm - 7.00pm mon, wed, thur

Me

4.45pm - 9.00 Friday
7.00am - 9.00 sat
7.00am - 7pm sun

This is every week, and on my holidays, I have him for weeks at a time, and all over xmas, except xmas day, she drops him at 11:00am after I have taken him home Xmas EVE.

I have sacrificed all my weekends, she has 4 kids and is always out on the town, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been out on a weekend in the last 2 years.

I know I have to stay calm, but it’s the longest time I have not seen him in 8 years

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's not exactly a sacrifice if it's with your child, after all, is it? Just do everything by the book and the odds are that the decision made in the best interests of the child will be made by the court. And use the money you would have paid her (other than the minimum amount demanded by the CSA) to pay for a solicitor. If you haven't seen him, you won't be losing anything more by cutting the cashflow.

Mini_Bear

We had this exact same situation with my partners son (now 9).
It broke my partners heart (his ex would not let stepson sleep at ours because it reduced her CSA). She threatened to disallow all contact so we called her bluff stopped paying CSA (£600/mth) and guess what, he was on our doorstep 9am Sat morning because she couldnt be bothered to look after him.
We have a much better relationship with her now, and i think it was when her son turned to her and said he wanted to live at ours full time that she suddenly became very accommodating. i think the shock of losing her meal ticket helped.
OP i know this isnt much help but stick at it. The most important thing is that your son knows how much you love him and that you are trying everything to make contact.
At 11 or 12 a child is allowed to attend court and decide which parent he lives with. We keep this in the back of our mind and although step son doesnt know this rule, we will allow him to decide when he is deemed old enough.
Good luck with it all.

simon4amiee

thanks for the sound advice, I do sometimes question if I am doing the right thing, as I know he misses me. I only want to keep the situation as it has been for 8 years, the only difference was the CSA pays her instead of me direct thus cutting the demands and threats to me and my wife, and stops her using my son as a tool or weapon.

marshmallows

just pay what the csa want and use the rest to fund your solicitor. Do you have proof she has threatened to stop contact because u havent paid her, text, emails etc If so they will come in very handy, also if you do not already write a diary of events.

simon4amiee

I suspected eventually over the years it may lead to this, I have saved text messages going back years, and even a police file, as we was so threatened, we decided if something was going to happen we had a record of this, so even the police have this information, but at the time they advised if nothing comes of her threats it would be best for the child to leave it which I happily did as I told her he was a tad to young to understand. I went to see him yesterday at my mums and his little face lit up, we had a long talk, and I just assured him i was doing all a can and promised he will be coming home soon (he classes both home). Its a shame, he is my only child, my current wife has had 4 miscarriages, and he gets so much from us both on weekends, and his mother has 3 other kids to 3 other dads, and has the party lifestyle, 40" plasma TV, new car, 3 Wii's, PC's, and he says he cant use any of them but the other younger kids can, I do feel he feels puched out, but always remind him both myself and his mum love him just on different ways. I honestly feel she only has kids for the money, as there was no issue here until money wise she wasnt get exactly what she wanted.

euronorris

Would you be able to apply for sole custody?

On a separate note, who needs 3 Wii's in one household?! Shocking!

Vomityspice

Sadly, if you give into bullies, they will continue with their behaviour.

What you need to do is;

Write a letter giving notice of your intention to make an application for a contact order (there is probably no chance of obtaining a Residency Order so don't waste your time)!

If she doesn't respond, go to the court (or the forms are available online) and fill it in (It's either a C1 or C100 from memory.....been a while since i've had to fill one in!). Again from memory the court fee is £175? If you google EX50, that will give you the current fee. It also has details of scheme for those on low incomes.

Do not pay her £150. Pay her the £38 that she would get via CSA and use the rest to fund you court application.

Then await your court date. 95%+ of all contact applications are successful. If she then becomes difficult, again use the money you are saving to make a further application to the court to enforce the order. Whilst the court will take time, giving her a number of opportunities to apply, ultimately it does (and has) have the power to both imprison her and then award residency to you. I suspect she will modify her behaviour long before this actually occurs. Further, the court are now only too prepared to award costs against defaulting parties.

Don't continue to be walked over or she will never stop, whilst 'she' believes' she has power over you by withholding contact, she will continue to try to exert it. You need to break the cycle, as she certainly won't.

If you need any help filling in the form PM and I'll help.

DigitalJedi

Good advice from Vomity there but be prepared for the long haul.

What's she's doing is bullying you with the threat of contact to with your son. If you give in once, she'll just keep pushing and pushing until she gets her own way so it is important you see it through to the end.

Good luck

simon4amiee

Im applying for shared residency thus not changing anything from his 8 year routine, this will auto give me parental responsibility as she didnt even tell me when he was born and didnt put me on the birth certificate!