Great 'Best Cold Caller Rebukes' Hunt

dralla

There's always : (aside) darling, pull your knickers back up, I've got to take this call, then to cold-caller: I've just got to pull my trousers up but you haven't got long.

I'm also considering doing the following :
Your name please
Your security access code please
(when there isn't one..)
You realise that you've called a security agency and I'll need your National Insurance number, your address, DOB etc.... to vet you

Should slow them down if nothing else

bluekat

My Father-in-Law used a good tactic a few years ago on a window cold caller. When they said who they were he said how relieved he was they had phoned as he had bought a house that had no windows, and he had been sitting in the cold waiting for them to phone. They hung up!! They called again a month or so later and again he told them how relieved he was they had called as he had bought a house without any windows, and his electricity bill was enormous due to having the lights on constantly. He then proceded to ask if windows should have been standard, and if they were, why hadn't they been fitted when the house was built!! They hung up, and presumably marked him down as insane :D!! They haven't called back.
We are with the TPS, and that certainly seems to cut out a lot of callers. But with door salesmen I tend to use a couple of tactics depending on my mood!! I either claim my husband is out of the country working (nice and easy), that he has been made redundant (a bit more of a sob story), or has recently died (the full lip tremble, and if I can muster it a few tears). I actually managed to get one in the house to look at and fix a wobbly door, before he left, very confused!!!:T

colin_tomlinson

Caller: May I ask you a few questions?
Me: You may, but I think you should know that I'm naked.
Caller: Should I call back later?
Me: If you like, but I might be naked then as well.

This usually suffices in distracting them from their script!

fuzzymummy

I've got a friend who tries to sell them something back. eg. They're phoning to sell double glazing & my friend would say 'I've got a widescreen TV I'm trying to sell if you're interested' starts giving them some details & when the caller says they're not interested he says 'ok then, bye' and hangs up. I find this hilarious.

COSTLYPETROL

These people should make their money doing a proper job so they are game for abuse.

If being polite does not work I let them continue...the determined kitchen sales lady was eventually told...I had a super kitchen(lies)....she then asked the question....how long have you had it in for?....I will not print my response but suffice to record she has not answered my obvious question nor called again!

The one that beats them all.....and I have had no calls for two weeks is to go into an anti government rant about control being given over to bankers who stole all the money and called the theft "bonuses"....then the M.P.'S tried to ape the bankers and stole the money calling it "expenses".....I then invite them to respond and that can sometimes reveal their political party which means the World is your oyster.

It is my phone...they are the intruder and deserve to be punished and abused.

brewerdave

I'll use a few of these - :rotfl::rotfl:
My "fun" way has been to make a couple of clicks as if the phone is being diverted then answer any unknown caller with "this is Chief Inspector XXXXX of the Serious Fraud Office, I am tracing this call and require your name, your company name and address please" - usually works but not with some of the callers like "John" (from Mumbai!)

colin_tomlinson's reply reminds me of story from quite a few years ago - a mate's g/friend answered the door virtually starkers to Jehovah's Witnesses/Mormons? on a Saturday morning - cool as a cucumber she asked them in - but they'd have to wait til she and her boyfriend had finished what they were doing!!!
Apparently got rid of them!!

akela987

One particular company made repeated calls to our office. To begin with I politely told them we were registered with TPS - this had no effect. I phone their head office and asked them to remove our name from their database - this had no effect. I wrote to their MD - this had no effect. When they called yet again we were ready for them - they asked for the financial director and were told to wait while we tranferred the call. We called their Head Office and, after
saying "Hello" we linked them up. The result was hilarious. The girl launched into her script and after a while the girl in the HO said "But I'm up the stairs" Puzzled comments regarding telephone gremlins followed. She called us about 3 or 4 times before it dawned on them that we were having a laugh at their expense. Funny - the calls stopped after that!

SDH

I work for a mobile phone tariff company. My colleagues and I have a small competition running between ourselves to see who can keep the mobile-selling-cold-caller on the line the longest (becuase as soon as you reveal you work for a mobile company and thus have a works&personal mobile contract costing £0 they hang up).

Its very amusing seeing my colleagues squirming as they try to avoid answering the "how much does your current mobile contract cost you" question

Sadly the cold callers seemed to have stopped calling us recently. Maybe they got the hint? Could be handy for you out there reading this

iloveorkney

Have a piercing whistle handy- do I have to elaborate

Geoffsave

However I am also aware that this is someone doing an unpleasant job, for not much money, and very much less in an 'Indian call centre'. I would not like spend my day being sworn at by western consumers. My response is usually just 'I'm sorry I never take cold calls thank you'.
I'm TPS registered and ex directory of course, but the effect of this is nullified by the number of web sites which insist on a land line number before you can register/buy.
Make one up? I single out Tiscali for the worst abuse of this - to disover that I wasn't eligable for their broadband in this rural area I had to give the landline number and paid the price with two weeks of calls.