how many chances do you give grandparents?

red_devil

atwitsend wrote: »

Need some advice if possible, I feel like I just don't know what to do for the best anymore, its a long one....
I have two children by my ex. We split up very amicably about 3 and half years ago. He moved out of the family home and back in with his parents (the grandparents, who live just a few miles away) but continued to visit the family home daily to see the children, on weekends the children would stay at his parents home and spend the weekend with him and them there (i worked weekend nights at the time).
The grandparents were a big part of the childrens lives since they were born and continued to be up until last year.
My ex got a new girlfriend and moved in with her, were unable to accomidate the children there, his parents told him he could stay at theirs to continue the contact (the children have their own bedrooms there) but he refused and told them that if he couldnt have them nights, then they werent too either :eek: at this time things got very bitter through solicitors, his new girlfriend wouldnt allow him to call the children or me, he ditched his solicitor and had nothing more to do with the children, the last time he saw them was last August. We have not had a visit, letter or phonecall since then.
I spoke to the grandparents in August and told them that they were of course still able to see the children if they wish, ex MIL cried and said thank you and how much she had missed them etc. I am on good terms with them both.
The grandparents arranged a date with me to pick the kids up to take them out for the day last August, all went well, kids had a fab time and i told them same remained, they can see the kids anytime they like, they made a big deal out of telling the kids they will see them every week without fail, I said to them just ring me and we can arrange it, but I didn't hear anything from them.

September was my daughters birthday, I rang and invited them to the birthday tea, I got the response 'we dont want to get involved' So I left it at that on good terms still though saying to call me if things changed. I didn't hear anything from them again until November.
The ex FIL rang me and asked if they could have the children for the day, of course I said on the basis that they dont just make false promises to the kids about seeing them and then vanish for months on end, he agreed and said that my ex had told them not to contact me or the kids. The day they wanted them was a school day so I asked them if they could change it to a weekend day, they said they would call back.....a week later ex FIL rings again and says that their central heating system has broken down and that they do still want to see the kids and will be in contact when all is mended and house is warm again.
Yet again, no contact made until christmas eve (teh kids sent them a christmas card but they never got one back) when ex FIL rang and asked if he could bring round presents. The grandparents came round a few days after boxing day, I invited them in, they gave the kids their presents and yet again they kept telling the kids how much they miss them and want to see them. Then they tell me that their son still won't allow them contact...and they listen to him for some reason. We sent thank you cards to them in January yet still no contact.
So here we are now nearly in March and I havent heard anything from them since that day. But I know as soon as a birthday arrives they will be knocking at the door with the same story.

So how many chances do I give them? I have told them my concerns before and they say they understand and promise they will have regular contact and how they would love to call the kids each week but they never do! I understand they feel like they don't want to 'betray' their son but its just so annoying they let down the kids because of him who has chosen not to be part of their lives The kids always ask after them and ask to go see them but if I am to call them they won't answer yet when they do occasionally see them they tell the kids how much they miss them and want to see them!!
Confused what to do for the best

just read on and see fil says son dosent want thm to contact you or the kids.

Again its people being weak. Father in law should stand up to his son and say we are seeing the kids. They are our grandchildren and they wont be children forever! They already dont see you do you really want them to go without grandparents now also?

If people dont show strength its a disaster! How dare people dictate to others who they can and cant see!

is there anyway you can sit down and sort it out!

Dad and grandparents should not really be missing out nor should the kids?

red_devil

Gemsgalore wrote: »

Oh my blood is boiling :mad:

I haven't read the whole thread, I only got through the first few that said you should give them thousands of chances and my mouth fell open in shock........what?????? Why???????

What a couple of spineless no hopers these Grandparents are.....they don't deserve to see these 2 little kids after how they have behaved. Dear God it's no wonder their son has turned out to be such a loser with parents who don't know right from wrong.

Have their kids (IE:the no hoper son) ever been shunned by their own family just for being born........I think and hope not!!!!!

If I was in their position, I would flaming well be having those kids round to stay every weekend and telling my son where to get off......in fact if my son refused to see his kids he wouldn't be my son in my eyes and HE would be the one I would have stopped contact with......certainly not the 2 innocent little Grandkids who have now not only lost their Daddy....they are being made to suffer little or no contact with their much loved Grandparents too.........OMG these poor kids :mad: :mad: :mad:

I am off to make a cup of tea and calm down and will post further on this when I'm not seething.....I can't believe you are all ''understanding'' what a difficult position the Grandparents are in.......what about the kids who must be left wondering what they have done wrong to deserve this......I'm off to calm down .....:mad:

This is an excellent post.

red_devil

atwitsend wrote: »

Thanks everyone
I do know that they are in a difficult position in regards to loyaltys, my ex's sister (the kids aunt) keeps in contact with us and told her parents and him quite blantantly that if they don't want to see them then thats fine but she isn't going to do the same, she has been shunned by the family for this
I personally think my ex is being very very unfair by telling his parents they arent to see them!

I have never told the kids when they are due, they are the ones who come round and say 'oh we would love to have you over' and 'we will ring you' to the children, but never do.
We send cards/letters/pictures, I even sent them one of the kids school photos of them together, have even tried calling them but they don't answer their mobiles or house phone, they don't have internet access so skype etc is out of the window too
I suppose its just a case of waiting and keeping all avenues of communication open, it just frustrates me when they come here with presents at christmas, tell the kids how much they miss them and want to see them, but dont, and its down to me to try and explain to the kids why

oh i cant stand all that will ring you. Actions speak louder than words. Say i will believe it when it happens and one day when you get round to ringing you better still hope I am interested!

sulkisu

In answer to your question of 'how many chances..?', I would say give them as many chances as possiblie UNTIL it starts to affect the children. The moment/second that this happens, is the moment that they run out of chances. Your responsibility has to be to your kids and you should no more allow grandparents to play with their emotions, thean you would allow their father or anyone else.

As far as their father not seeing his kids, you cannot blame the girlfriend. By saying that she won't allow him to see the children, you are effectively (even just in your head) absolving him of his responsibility. No-one (unless they have a ourt order) can stop a parent seeing their child. If he wanted to see his kids, he would. I wouldn't excuse the grandparents either - if they wanted to see their grandchildren, they would. Usually grandparents side with their own children, becasue if they don't they might lose contact with their grandchildren. To side with their son, even though it means losing contact with their grandchildren and their own daughter, shows what kind of people they are. I guess we now know where their son gets his ideal and values from - i.e. families are expendable and can be discarded at will like old furniture.

Having said that, I don't see anything wrong in grandparents seeing their grandchildren just a few times a year, so I don't think the number of times that they come around is the issue. The problem is their unreliability and also the reasons that they don't visit more often. Personally, if it was me I would invite them over occasionally (when it suited me not them). If they turn up, great, if not, I wouldn't chase them. I would also make it clear to them that your children are your priority and that if/when they start to suffer as a result of their behaviour, the visits will stop completely.

Good luck x

Edit: Also, if they do let the children down, the next time that they want to visit I would make it a condition that they start by explaining to their grandchildren why they failed to turn up last time.

aliasojo

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Isn't there a case to be made that some contact, even if lily-livered and shamefully sporadic is better than planting the idea that nobody from the other side could be bothered at all?

Actually, no. (Imo) I simply don't see the benefit to the children in this type of relationship.

A relationship isn't about a visit or a phone call, it's about love, care and consideration.

Sure the Grandparents can visit or phone erratically when it suits them but there's little love, care or consideration being shown to these kids.....so why value a visit or a phone call? It's only an empty short lived gesture.

Gemsgalore

I'm so sorry for getting so mad earlier

I'm just so glad that some folks agree that the Grandparents need to get a grip and see more of these kids.....as someone said, they won't be kids forever and they are wasting precious months which will turn into years. From reading the first few posts it just seemed to me that the kids feelings weren't being put first.

I was the OP years ago, the loser Father and the Grandparents who decided not to see my kids if their son didn't want to. So, my kids never did get to have a Gran and Grandpa. Grandpa died last year and Gran died 2 days ago. My heart bled for my kids for many years and I just didn't want these kids to go through the hurt that mine have. I truly hope these Grandparents can change, see the light and remember who the innocent party is here .........it's too late for mine

Pee

My grandparents were the most influential people in my life. I only had one set as sadly the other set were not on good terms, which is still a big regret to me.

I would do anything to encourage my (future) childrens relationship with my parents, even though I am not on great terms with them myself, because I wouldn't want them to miss out. (The children that is, rather than the parents.)

paddy's_mum

So, OP, the present score is 3 - 3 ... but one side might get the winning goal in the last few seconds of injury time :rotfl:

This is why I so hope that there is reincarnation so that we all get the chance to apply what we learned the first time round to the problems of the second life! Good luck.

minimoneysaver

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with giving them lots of chances. I've done that with my daughter. She has been let down too many times by her dad and his parents. She is confused and upset by it. When they see her, they all fill her head with ideas of trips out, holidays etc and nothing comes to fruition.... is this fair on her? No! I am fed up of explaining to her why they don't call, write, remember her birthday etc. She is at the age where she is more aware of time. It didn't matter when she was younger, but now it does and I won't let her go through it any longer. They need to make a choice. Either they are in it for the long haul with regular contact, no empty promises and frequent contact or don't bother.

atwitsend_2

thanks everyone, I don't blame the ex's new girlfriend,I blame him totally-he should have the balls to stand up and say that he wants to see them regardless of what she thinks, and the grandparents should stand up to him to say they will do what they like and wont be dictated to! sadly that is not the case though, but at least he stays away and that I can deal with, the kids know that he isn't around anymore and they are setlled without him, in fact they hardly ever mention him.
What I don;t like is them ignoring the letters, pictures and things, and then turn up randomly on my doorstep on a birthday or christmas and spend the whole time crying saying how much they miss the kids to them, my poor kids dont understand why they dont see them if they want to and I am left with kids saying 'i miss nanny and grandad' for days after, but its only ever after they have appeared and spent time saying how much they wnat to see them...they think they can bring round a big bag of presents and all is mended.
I know its gonna sound harsh and horrible but when I move later this year I am so tempted to not tell them my new address