how many chances do you give grandparents?

Sunshine12

I agree they are stuck in the middle but it will have an affect on the kids if they keep being let down all the time. I would sit down with the Grandparents and explain that you only have the childrens best interests at heart and whilst you want them to be part of their lives they have to commit to following through if they say they are going to visit etc. I dont think you should be put in the position where you cant tell the children that gran and grandad are coming round just incase they dont turn up. Thats not fair on you either. Good luck.

jackieglasgow

Can you not, instead of waiting for them initiating contact, just keep in touch in some way? The kids could send then a drawing or a card or a wee card or note once a fortnight, or month, just to say hi. Then they would know the kids are keen to keep in touch, and it might make it easier for them to keep the contact properly, even if it is only high days and holidays? You know, if the kids keep reminding them that they are there, and they love them, it might give them the strength to do what they want, and see them despite the son's opinion?

ailuro2

Keep in touch by Skype / webcam?

That way they can see them without any nosy neighbours seeing them visit who might, in their minds, tell the son.

It's also free, can be done anytime the kids are awake, and they can also use it just for watching them open birthday cards etc.

floss2

atwitsend wrote: »

We can only live in hope, she has children herself with an ex so you would think she would be understanding about NRP keeping contact with their children

But does her ex see her child? Maybe the NRP having no contact is how it is in her world?

jackieglasgow wrote: »

Can you not, instead of waiting for them initiating contact, just keep in touch in some way? The kids could send then a drawing or a card or a wee card or note once a fortnight, or month, just to say hi....

I think this is a good idea.

brians_daughter

oh how sad for all parties involved. I would ensure kids wrote to Grandparents on regular basis and sent pics. You could also pop a note in saying how they are welcome anytime. When they do make contact you need to have a proper chat - no kids involved and tell them you understand their situ with son, and you want more than anything for them to see kids but you need to think about the effect their coming and going has on the kids. Explain they need stability at the minute. Why not start by trying to agree 1 night a month where they pop round for tea or a trip the park. Not much pressure there for any party involved.

It must be so hard for them as their son will always be their son and they dont want to loose him, but yet they love their grandkids so much... I hope you can get it sorted.

As for how many chances do you give them..you give them as many as you, and more imprtantly, your kids can handle

miserly_mum

In an ideal world every parent/grandparent would do anything they could to maintain a relationship with their children/grandkids but unfortunately life isn't always like that.

The OP is in a horrible situation and understandibly wants to do "the right thing" but (in my humble opinion) if the Grandparents are already putting their son's (who puts his new g/friend in front of his kids) wishes before the needs of their Grandkids then we aren't dealing with rational people anyway.

I have a 2 year old Granddaughter.My Daughter (her Mum) and I don't always get on but that never affects how I feel about my Grand daughter.

Graqndparents who make excuses about seeing their Grandkids are not only lying to the kids but to themselves

*Louise*

I think if you keep all lines of communication open and allow them to see the kids whenever they are able to go against their sons wishes you are ultimately doing what is best for your children.

It must be difficult for them...they are obviously too weak to stand up to him but one day things will all come to a head...and on that day you will be able to say you always had your childrens' best interests at heart and your children will thank you for it

Btw - why not lessen the expectations from them? Instead of having weekly 'arrangements' why not suggest to them once a month instead - that might be a little easier for them to work round (and avoid issues with their son) iyswim.

xxx

BigBlackcat

What a sad situation. I think it's a good idea to not get the children's hopes up about visits, keep the plans to yourself until you are sure the Grandparents are going to honour them. You sound like you've given them lots of chances, I'm not sure how many more you should give them. Ultimately, I suppose it depends on how badly it is affecting your children. If it's upsetting your children then I would tell the GP's that they either keep in touch on a regular basis, or not at all.
While I appreciate that the GP's are in a difficult situation, you can be sure that if my son wasn't doing the right thing by those children, then I, as the Grandparent, certainly would be. Regardless of ANY consequences.

Kay_Peel

In the past the grandparents facilitated their son's access to his children. Son has laid down the law and told them that they cannot have the children to stay and should not get involved with them. They have divided loyalties and can't do right whichever course of action they take.

They suggest a day when the children can visit but it doesn't suit - it's a schoolday and the OP would prefer the visit to take place on a Saturday. (Perhaps they chose a school day and wanted to avoid a weekend because their son might have dropped in unexpectedly?)

The OP admonishes them for not keeping promises - promises which they have made clandestinely in case their son gets to hear about them. They get it in the ear from Son and OP. I'm not sure what the OP means by asking 'how many chances shall I give them?' Does she intend to prevent any future contact if they don't shape up? What possible good will that do?

If visits are impossible, awkward and could get the grandparents in deep trouble then it might be an idea for children and grandparents to phone each other regularly.

Myamoth

I'm so sorry to hear about this, and the appalling behaviour of your children's father. I have to say though, as a divorced mum myself (father also disappeared for two years although he's back in touch now, grandparents also unreliable), I'm in agreement with continuing to give the the grandparents every chance - they have no contact with their Dad now, and they need to know they do have more family out there. Could you go with not telling the kids when they have promised to visit, so it's a "lovely surpise" when they turn up? Then ask the grandparents to not make promises about future visits, just to tell the kids they love them? I think a lot of children, even ones whose parents are still together, only see their grandparents once or twice year (distance reasons etc.) but still manage to keep a relationship going, and at least they are showing up for birthdays and christmas. It's very difficult I know, but sometimes it's best just not to have expectations of people - that way they can't let you or your kids down.