how many chances do you give grandparents?

atwitsend_2

Thanks everyone
I do know that they are in a difficult position in regards to loyaltys, my ex's sister (the kids aunt) keeps in contact with us and told her parents and him quite blantantly that if they don't want to see them then thats fine but she isn't going to do the same, she has been shunned by the family for this
I personally think my ex is being very very unfair by telling his parents they arent to see them!

I have never told the kids when they are due, they are the ones who come round and say 'oh we would love to have you over' and 'we will ring you' to the children, but never do.
We send cards/letters/pictures, I even sent them one of the kids school photos of them together, have even tried calling them but they don't answer their mobiles or house phone, they don't have internet access so skype etc is out of the window too
I suppose its just a case of waiting and keeping all avenues of communication open, it just frustrates me when they come here with presents at christmas, tell the kids how much they miss them and want to see them, but dont, and its down to me to try and explain to the kids why

paddy's_mum

How very sad for everyone involved - except this father, of course.

Good on the aunt, and you, for doing the right thing in very aggravating cirucumstances, but keep on doing it - for the children. You know they're worth it!

aliasojo

I've only skim read the first few posts but I have to admit to holding a different view to those who say give the grandparents every chance.

My view is that if you continue to allow people (any people.....that includes relatives) to let your children down, they will grow up with the acceptance of this and see it as normal. It may, over time, impact on their feelings of self worth.

At present, they clearly are not important enough to warrant fighting for, and an easy and peaceful life is taking precedence over a relationship with them. That's disturbing imo. How will they feel when they get older and start to realise just exactly what the situation is?

Sometimes no relationship is better than an unhealthy one.

What matters though is how you feel about it and whether the children are being upset or not. Only you know how much messing around you can accommodate.

paddy's_mum

Oh heck, hold on, whoa there fellas!

Are you saying, OP, that the aunt (your former sister in law) is being shunned by the grandparents as well as (presumably) your ex and his new partner?

I can understand and accept that the grandparents must have divided loyalties where their son is concerned but if they are joining in with the punishment of their daughter, that puts a whole new light on the subject!

atwitsend_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Oh heck, hold on, whoa there fellas!

Are you saying, OP, that the aunt (your former sister in law) is being shunned by the grandparents as well as (presumably) your ex and his new partner?

I can understand and accept that the grandparents must have divided loyalties where their son is concerned but if they are joining in with the punishment of their daughter, that puts a whole new light on the subject!

Yep its their daughter (the aunt) and my ex's sister and his new girlf who no longer speak to her now because of it, and she doesn't even come round that much (busy lifes etc) but we do keep in contact by facebook. sad but true

miserly_mum

atwitsend wrote: »

Yep its their daughter (the aunt) and my ex's sister and his new girlf who no longer speak to her now because of it, and she doesn't even come round that much (busy lifes etc) but we do keep in contact by facebook. sad but true

OP I know there will be people reading that and thinking "no way people just don't do that sort of thing"

I am not one of them. My ex in laws were exactly the same. When Mum in Law stopped bothering with my kids and me then her sons/daughter weren't allowed to either.

The even sadder part is these grown men and women went along with it

paddy's_mum

Sorry if I'm being thick (need another cuppa, obviously!) but I'd like to know if your children's grandparents are actively joining in with the shunning?

Being a bit spineless and not telling their son where to get off is not the same thing as being an equal participant in the punishment ofyour former sister-in-law/the children's aunt for keeping contact with the children.

Gemsgalore

Oh my blood is boiling :mad:

I haven't read the whole thread, I only got through the first few that said you should give them thousands of chances and my mouth fell open in shock........what?????? Why???????

What a couple of spineless no hopers these Grandparents are.....they don't deserve to see these 2 little kids after how they have behaved. Dear God it's no wonder their son has turned out to be such a loser with parents who don't know right from wrong.

Have their kids (IE:the no hoper son) ever been shunned by their own family just for being born........I think and hope not!!!!!

If I was in their position, I would flaming well be having those kids round to stay every weekend and telling my son where to get off......in fact if my son refused to see his kids he wouldn't be my son in my eyes and HE would be the one I would have stopped contact with......certainly not the 2 innocent little Grandkids who have now not only lost their Daddy....they are being made to suffer little or no contact with their much loved Grandparents too.........OMG these poor kids :mad: :mad: :mad:

I am off to make a cup of tea and calm down and will post further on this when I'm not seething.....I can't believe you are all ''understanding'' what a difficult position the Grandparents are in.......what about the kids who must be left wondering what they have done wrong to deserve this......I'm off to calm down .....:mad:

paddy's_mum

Gemsgalore - believe me, I do understand exactly where you are coming from - and have been known to blow a gasket on here myself! - but if the grandparents also are stopped from having contact with the children, then what conduit for future communication and possibly healing/repair is left?

Look at it this way. Father can't be 'asked'. Girlfriend is prejudiced from the word go. Grandparent's unreliability leads to banning. Aunt who currently keeps some sort of contact wonders why she's banging her head against a brick wall if the children's mother is effectively anti any contact.

Who's left? What's left?

Isn't there a case to be made that some contact, even if lily-livered and shamefully sporadic is better than planting the idea that nobody from the other side could be bothered at all?

ETA You're absolutely right that the grandparents should have stood up to their bluddy-minded son and his accomplice of a girlfriend. However, they didn't and nothing anyone can say will force them to do so. It stinks, I agree, but that's the way it is.

Given that the OP cannot do anything to compel the grandparents to grow some spherical objects, does she carry on trying to do her best by her children, even if that falls far short of what you or I would consider acceptable grandma-hood, or does she do exactly what the father has done and start issuing bans and do-as-I-say-or-else orders?

Sometimes you have to find a middle ground that does the least damage for the most gain and that's when most of us say "ain't life a beach"!

red_devil

atwitsend wrote: »

Need some advice if possible, I feel like I just don't know what to do for the best anymore, its a long one....
I have two children by my ex. We split up very amicably about 3 and half years ago. He moved out of the family home and back in with his parents (the grandparents, who live just a few miles away) but continued to visit the family home daily to see the children, on weekends the children would stay at his parents home and spend the weekend with him and them there (i worked weekend nights at the time).
The grandparents were a big part of the childrens lives since they were born and continued to be up until last year.
My ex got a new girlfriend and moved in with her, were unable to accomidate the children there, his parents told him he could stay at theirs to continue the contact (the children have their own bedrooms there) but he refused and told them that if he couldnt have them nights, then they werent too either :eek: at this time things got very bitter through solicitors, his new girlfriend wouldnt allow him to call the children or me, he ditched his solicitor and had nothing more to do with the children, the last time he saw them was last August. We have not had a visit, letter or phonecall since then.
I spoke to the grandparents in August and told them that they were of course still able to see the children if they wish, ex MIL cried and said thank you and how much she had missed them etc. I am on good terms with them both.
The grandparents arranged a date with me to pick the kids up to take them out for the day last August, all went well, kids had a fab time and i told them same remained, they can see the kids anytime they like, they made a big deal out of telling the kids they will see them every week without fail, I said to them just ring me and we can arrange it, but I didn't hear anything from them.

September was my daughters birthday, I rang and invited them to the birthday tea, I got the response 'we dont want to get involved' So I left it at that on good terms still though saying to call me if things changed. I didn't hear anything from them again until November.
The ex FIL rang me and asked if they could have the children for the day, of course I said on the basis that they dont just make false promises to the kids about seeing them and then vanish for months on end, he agreed and said that my ex had told them not to contact me or the kids. The day they wanted them was a school day so I asked them if they could change it to a weekend day, they said they would call back.....a week later ex FIL rings again and says that their central heating system has broken down and that they do still want to see the kids and will be in contact when all is mended and house is warm again.
Yet again, no contact made until christmas eve (teh kids sent them a christmas card but they never got one back) when ex FIL rang and asked if he could bring round presents. The grandparents came round a few days after boxing day, I invited them in, they gave the kids their presents and yet again they kept telling the kids how much they miss them and want to see them. Then they tell me that their son still won't allow them contact...and they listen to him for some reason. We sent thank you cards to them in January yet still no contact.
So here we are now nearly in March and I havent heard anything from them since that day. But I know as soon as a birthday arrives they will be knocking at the door with the same story.

So how many chances do I give them? I have told them my concerns before and they say they understand and promise they will have regular contact and how they would love to call the kids each week but they never do! I understand they feel like they don't want to 'betray' their son but its just so annoying they let down the kids because of him who has chosen not to be part of their lives The kids always ask after them and ask to go see them but if I am to call them they won't answer yet when they do occasionally see them they tell the kids how much they miss them and want to see them!!
Confused what to do for the best

i picked up on the bit the gf wouldnt allow him. How do you know she wouldnt!

maybe it was him, maybe he was too weak to stand up to her. If he did let himself be dominated then he has a fault.

My ex husband got involved with a young girl when he first split who wasnt keen on him having a child he took no notice of her and still continued to see his son and carry out his fatherly duties. She didnt rule.

Sorry thats as far as i got.