how many chances do you give grandparents?

atwitsend_2

Need some advice if possible, I feel like I just don't know what to do for the best anymore, its a long one....
I have two children by my ex. We split up very amicably about 3 and half years ago. He moved out of the family home and back in with his parents (the grandparents, who live just a few miles away) but continued to visit the family home daily to see the children, on weekends the children would stay at his parents home and spend the weekend with him and them there (i worked weekend nights at the time).
The grandparents were a big part of the childrens lives since they were born and continued to be up until last year.
My ex got a new girlfriend and moved in with her, were unable to accomidate the children there, his parents told him he could stay at theirs to continue the contact (the children have their own bedrooms there) but he refused and told them that if he couldnt have them nights, then they werent too either :eek: at this time things got very bitter through solicitors, his new girlfriend wouldnt allow him to call the children or me, he ditched his solicitor and had nothing more to do with the children, the last time he saw them was last August. We have not had a visit, letter or phonecall since then.
I spoke to the grandparents in August and told them that they were of course still able to see the children if they wish, ex MIL cried and said thank you and how much she had missed them etc. I am on good terms with them both.
The grandparents arranged a date with me to pick the kids up to take them out for the day last August, all went well, kids had a fab time and i told them same remained, they can see the kids anytime they like, they made a big deal out of telling the kids they will see them every week without fail, I said to them just ring me and we can arrange it, but I didn't hear anything from them.

September was my daughters birthday, I rang and invited them to the birthday tea, I got the response 'we dont want to get involved' So I left it at that on good terms still though saying to call me if things changed. I didn't hear anything from them again until November.
The ex FIL rang me and asked if they could have the children for the day, of course I said on the basis that they dont just make false promises to the kids about seeing them and then vanish for months on end, he agreed and said that my ex had told them not to contact me or the kids. The day they wanted them was a school day so I asked them if they could change it to a weekend day, they said they would call back.....a week later ex FIL rings again and says that their central heating system has broken down and that they do still want to see the kids and will be in contact when all is mended and house is warm again.
Yet again, no contact made until christmas eve (teh kids sent them a christmas card but they never got one back) when ex FIL rang and asked if he could bring round presents. The grandparents came round a few days after boxing day, I invited them in, they gave the kids their presents and yet again they kept telling the kids how much they miss them and want to see them. Then they tell me that their son still won't allow them contact...and they listen to him for some reason. We sent thank you cards to them in January yet still no contact.
So here we are now nearly in March and I havent heard anything from them since that day. But I know as soon as a birthday arrives they will be knocking at the door with the same story.

So how many chances do I give them? I have told them my concerns before and they say they understand and promise they will have regular contact and how they would love to call the kids each week but they never do! I understand they feel like they don't want to 'betray' their son but its just so annoying they let down the kids because of him who has chosen not to be part of their lives The kids always ask after them and ask to go see them but if I am to call them they won't answer yet when they do occasionally see them they tell the kids how much they miss them and want to see them!!
Confused what to do for the best

paddy's_mum

Thousands!! Really - thousands and do you know why?

Because they are in a really tough situation. They are caught between their love for their son and their love for your children.

I understand that they keep on letting you down but what I'm hearing is that they also keep on trying to maintain contact. Give them some credit for being in a carp pig in the middle situation and yet every now and then, they find the courage to defy their derelict son and his even more poisonous girlfriend.

It's no skin whatever off your nose to facilitate meetings. It doesn't harm you to explain to the children that their grandparents hearts are between a rock and a hard place.

I can only go on what 'evidence' you have given but I cannot see where there is harm in swallowing your annoyance and being the best Mum you can be. I promise you that one day your children will recognise and thank you for your tolerance and kindness. Good luck.

miserly_mum

If they REALLY wanted to keep in contact with their Grandkids they would, regardless of what their son said. Maybe its easier to use him as excuse than admit to you or indeed themselves that they don't want to have a relationship with them anymore?

I had a similar problem after my first marriage ended. My mum-inlaw felt if I was no longer with her son then there wasn't much point in them seeing our kids. She suggested they could contact her when they were 18 if they wanted (the oldest one was 10 at the time)

You haven't stopped them seeing the kids so just leave things as they are. If they really want to see the kids they will. If you hear nothing more from them then in my opinion they'll be of no great loss to either you or your children

Good Luck MM x

atwitsend_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Thousands!! Really - thousands and do you know why?

Because they are in a really tough situation. They are caught between their love for their son and their love for your children.

I understand that they keep on letting you down but what I'm hearing is that they also keep on trying to maintain contact. Give them some credit for being in a carp pig in the middle situation and yet every now and then, they find the courage to defy their derelict son and his even more poisonous girlfriend.

It's no skin whatever off your nose to facilitate meetings. It doesn't harm you to explain to the children that their grandparents hearts are between a rock and a hard place.

I can only go on what 'evidence' you have given but I cannot see where there is harm in swallowing your annoyance and being the best Mum you can be. I promise you that one day your children will recognise and thank you for your tolerance and kindness. Good luck.

I understand completely what you are saying. It doesnt bother me that I get let down, its the fact they let the kids down
My children I think are a bit too young to explain about the fact they are stuck in the middles, one is 5 and the other is 7 but has autism and wouldn't understand unfortunatly.
We will continue to send cards to them like we have been, as I feel I have to everything I can to prove to them and the kids that I haven't been a spanner in the works.
Thank you for your opinion, it really does help to have someone elses opinion who isn't involved

atwitsend_2

miserly_mum wrote: »

If they REALLY wanted to keep in contact with their Grandkids they would, regardless of what their son said. Maybe its easier to use him as excuse than admit to you or indeed themselves that they don't want to have a relationship with them anymore?

I had a similar problem after my first marriage ended. My mum-inlaw felt if I was no longer with her son then there wasn't much point in them seeing our kids. She suggested they could contact her when they were 18 if they wanted (the oldest one was 10 at the time)

You haven't stopped them seeing the kids so just leave things as they are. If they really want to see the kids they will. If you hear nothing more from them then in my opinion they'll be of no great loss to either you or your children

Good Luck MM x

Thats exactly what my mum says

pinkshoes

miserly_mum wrote: »

If they REALLY wanted to keep in contact with their Grandkids they would, regardless of what their son said. Maybe its easier to use him as excuse than admit to you or indeed themselves that they don't want to have a relationship with them anymore?

I think that's a bit harsh! Some people are very sensitive to issues like this, and as much as the want to see their grandchildren, they also don't want to betray their son, even though what he's saying is out of order.

I would just keep inviting them round every now and then, and trying to maintain contact. Maybe your ex's new GF will change her mind one day...

Rachel83

I'm with the ones who say give them more chances, your children do not need to be told about all arangements everytime. If they show up then bonus if not, the kids don't know.

I'm sure one day you'll feel the benefit of them knowing each other, even if your children only talk on the phone to them or send the odd picture and letter through the post. If they really didn't want to know they wouldn't contact you every few months. They are just in a hard situation, hope things get better

earthmother

I agree with miserly_mum - if they really wanted to see the kids they would.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I imagine they are old enough to get upset when Grandma and Grandpa keep disappearing on them, just like Dad has. I appreciate the Grandparents may be struggling with divided loyalties, but you don't mess kids around like that. And telling them that Grandma and Grandpa want to see them but can't because of Dad won't (I imagine) help matters - it'll just make the kids feel even more rejected.

We had a situation with DHs parents - they cut off contact with us, for their own silly reasons, and then would surface every so often with a sobbing 'we miss the grandkids' story when it suited them. It started to get quite difficult around birthdays and christmas because we were always worried how things were going to affect the kids. After several false starts (because of them), there were finally 2 visits in a row, the kids (and DH and I) just got to the point where they were getting comfortable, and surprise surprise the outlaws changed their minds again and disappeared into the ether. It's over a year now since we heard a peep.

You need to make the grandparents see what their actions are doing - write a letter if you can't phone/meet them. Either they will buck their ideas up and stop letting the kids down (even if it's only guaranteed christmas and birthday contact, it's better than all this not knowing), or they'll choose to follow their sons lead, but at least you'll know where you all stand and can get on with life.

I know many will disagree, and say grandparents are important, and to give them every chance you can, but ones who cause the kids upset and distress are not worth the hassle. Concentrate on the family and friends who truly care.

And if as they get older the children ask what happened, be honest - so long as you upheld your side and tried your best, you have nothing to worry about.

atwitsend_2

pinkshoes wrote: »

I think that's a bit harsh! Some people are very sensitive to issues like this, and as much as the want to see their grandchildren, they also don't want to betray their son, even though what he's saying is out of order.

I would just keep inviting them round every now and then, and trying to maintain contact. Maybe your ex's new GF will change her mind one day...

We can only live in hope, she has children herself with an ex so you would think she would be understanding about NRP keeping contact with their children

paddy's_mum

But it must be terribly hard to feel that you may not give free rein to your love of your own grandchildren and that by pleasing one side, you'll alienate the other and in the case of their son, perhaps manage to create a massive row with him into the bargain.

Few parents would choose to be in this tug-of-love position and unless they possess the wisdom of Solomon, they must feel that they can't do right for doing wrong and that they can't stomach the thought of yet more punishment from their son. I'd have little difficulty telling any one of my children where to go if they overstepped the mark to this spiteful degree but not everyone is willing to fall out with the world in pursuit of a principle.

I can't know - I only speak from my own point of view, based on my own experience - but why would they keep trying to make admittedly intermittent contact if their real motive was to cease all contact? The two things don't agree with one another.

For what it's worth, I think you are 100% right, and fair minded to the nth degree, to try to keep the contacts alive - their father would do well to take a leaf out of your book in his dealings with other people.

I do so hope that if ever she or her parents become weak and feeble, he'll be as loving and supportive of the girlfriend and her loved ones as the pair of them have been to these children and their grandparents. Karma, folks .... !

kendalls_cave

I too would give them thousands of chances - they are trying and caught between a rock and a hard place. What I wouldn't do however is tell the kids their GP and coming so they don't get upset if they don't and it's a lovely surprise if they do