'Settled down, engaged, married, kids... then what?' blog discussion

Treading_Water

After my 3rd girl I was told - oh well, you can try again for a boy!!:eek:
As if!

Mandypops_2

I have NEVER been asked "When are you getting married", "When are you settling down", etc - But from the age of 25, the conversations would go like this;

Person: "Do you have children?"

Me: "No"

Person:"Oh, you don't have any YET" or "Plenty of time left yet, dear"

Me: "I don't want children"

Person: "Oh, you will!" or "DON'T YOU?!?!?!?!?!"

Firstly, I love the idea of making the commitment of marriage to someone I love, one day, and I don't believe in children before marriage, so why is the first question not "Are you married?"? Secondly, I just don't want children - Is that really so odd? - What a dull place the world would be if we all wanted the same thing.
For the last 5 years, I've been made to feel like I'm now no use to the world except as a human growbag. Why aren't people interested in anything else? I spent a year living in Paris - Isn't that interesting? I have a degree in languages - Isn't that interesting? Is it really so hard to understand that babies, nappies, vomit and screaming is just not my bag?!?! To add to that, the human race is killing itself through overpopulation, etc, etc, so why on earth would I think it a good idea to add to that?
A part of me thinks that if I just give into it and have children, people will leave me alone, stop bugging me and I will be accepted as a 'proper' woman - So it's good to see that it seems from your comments that these questions and accusations actually never stop!
I think I'll just carry on being happy and childless!

JimmyTheWig

Mandypops wrote: »

why is the first question not "Are you married?"?

I would guess the answer is that it doesn't lead on to much conversation. If two people have both got kids then there is endless discussions to be had about them.

I spent a year living in Paris - Isn't that interesting?

Of course it's interesting, but hardly likely as a conversation opener, is it? "Nice to meet you. Have you spent a year living in Paris?"
But I'd like to think that if you told someone that you'd spent a year living in Paris they'd ask you about it rather than brushing it aside and asking if you had kids!

poorandindenial

Mandypops wrote: »

I have NEVER been asked "When are you getting married", "When are you settling down", etc - But from the age of 25, the conversations would go like this;

Person: "Do you have children?"

Me: "No"

Person:"Oh, you don't have any YET" or "Plenty of time left yet, dear"

Me: "I don't want children"

Person: "Oh, you will!" or "DON'T YOU?!?!?!?!?!"

Firstly, I love the idea of making the commitment of marriage to someone I love, one day, and I don't believe in children before marriage, so why is the first question not "Are you married?"? Secondly, I just don't want children - Is that really so odd? - What a dull place the world would be if we all wanted the same thing.
For the last 5 years, I've been made to feel like I'm now no use to the world except as a human growbag. Why aren't people interested in anything else? I spent a year living in Paris - Isn't that interesting? I have a degree in languages - Isn't that interesting? Is it really so hard to understand that babies, nappies, vomit and screaming is just not my bag?!?! To add to that, the human race is killing itself through overpopulation, etc, etc, so why on earth would I think it a good idea to add to that?
A part of me thinks that if I just give into it and have children, people will leave me alone, stop bugging me and I will be accepted as a 'proper' woman - So it's good to see that it seems from your comments that these questions and accusations actually never stop!
I think I'll just carry on being happy and childless!

LOL - they have been kind to you, I have had:

-[similar to you] 'You'll change' *said in a 'oh silly you' voice with their head sympathetically tipped to the side*
-I feel sorry for you, you will never have the experience of a fulfilled life
-you are letting society down
-you will be a burden on society, who will look after you when you are old?
-the whole point of life is procreation so your life is pointless

All of these have actually been said to me.

Now, I CHOOSE not to have children and I get angry, but I have friends who are struggling or unable to conceive, some of them just tell people that they 'aren't sure whether they want kids' so that they don't have to trawl through their reprtoductive problems or emotional issues with peoplr that they barely know. I can't begin to understand how upset and angry these sorts of responses must make them.

My favourite response to people that tell me that I will regret not having children? 'Really, well I am sure that is a much better thing to regret for all concerned than me regretting having had a child just to make you happy'

bylromarha

OH gets "So when are you having the snip?" :rotfl:

For over 2.5 years we were trying to conceive our first. Our standard response to not close friends asking "when are you going to have kids?" became "who knows, but we're having loads of fun practising making them,"and start going into intimate detail about our sex life. They asked, they touched a pain nerve, so we wanted to return the favour by maing them cringe. Worked well! (close friends knew the score, so had stopped asked after 1 year if we were secretly pregnant...)

lola34

Having 2 boys, its definately - so are you going to try for a girl? no!!!! In fact someone asked this yesterday mine are coming up 7 and 11, said my next baby will be my villa in florida - well we all need dreams to reach for don't we?

C_Mababejive

Ermmm.wait for empty nest syndrome to kick in..wonder where your life has gone.....die?

beer_tins

If elderly relatives at weddings knowingly smile and say "you're next", turn the tables on them by doing the same thing at funerals. They'll soon stop.

I sympathise with those that can't have kids or know people that can't. It must make the questions so much worse.

EssexHebridean

Speaking as someone who doesn't have, but more to the point has never wanted kids, I find that the insistence of some people with these questions is downright obnoxious. My usual response when asked is a simple "we're not intending to" - yet in the past other people have responded to that by being positively aggressive. In the past I've been asked if I'm selfish, whether I'msome sort of wierdo for not being maternal, whether don't feel that this is a bit unfair to my OH not having kids just because I don't want to (for what it's worth, he doesn't want them either which is one of the things we found in common when we first started going out) and of course the good old chestnut - usually in a confiding undertone "Oh, you poor thing - is there a problem?" all this from people who I barely know - my friends know me well enough to know my take on the subject already. It's bad enough that 90% of the world seem to view a childless couple as some sort of underclass, let alone the fact that they clearly think they have more rights to everything you can imagine simply because they have made a lifestyle choice that involves having kids, withouthaving to put up with these patronising, intrusive and frequently rude remarks all the time! Let's face it - having kids, the most natural thing on earth - why do so many folk appear to think they deserve a medal for following that path?!

Thank you, I needed that rant!

EssexHebridean

a!!!!! wrote: »

I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks, three months ago today.

I'm sincerely hoping no one ever asks me again if I have kids. Because I did have one, one DH and I loved and wanted very, very much, but it died. There were no symptoms - we'd had a healthy scan at 12 weeks and the baby's death was only discovered at a routine appointment with my midwife when she couldn't find a heartbeat and referred me for a scan, not dreaming anything was actually wrong (she thought it was lying too low in my pelvis to pick up the heartbeat).

I'm on a mission to erase the question 'do you have children' from polite conversation. If people have kids, they'll let on, sooner or later. If they don't, it might be either a) an incredibly painful topic, or b) something that drives them mad because they don't want kids. ditto 'when are you having kids' - the person you're questioning might want them desperately, but not be able to.

So. I hope this isn't too distasteful for anyone - but at the end of the day, it's something I find very upsetting and if my post makes someone think twice before asking someone if they have kids, or when they are having them, then I think it was worthwhile.

Read this after I posted my comment - you and I are at totally opposite sides of the scale and yet totally united on eradicating this awful intrusive question. I applaud you for being strong enough to post what you have above, and sincerely hope that in the future things work out for you as you have hoped, dreamed and planned. I have often felt that the people that ask the dreaded question are one day going to have someone dissolve into tears in from of them as a result - perhaps then the message would sink in?