'Settled down, engaged, married, kids... then what?' blog discussion

gilligansyle

Just wait - if you have children it never stops.

From the criticism of your child rearing skills to their choice of subject at school/college etc.

Then if you survive all that after 20 odd years its 'Why is xx still at home? When are they getting their own place?'

If you don't have children it's comments about how well off you must be. A friend's answer to this, she had no money as she was saving so she could go into a really good nursing home as there would be nobody to look after her in her old age.

Stephy13

I've been with the OH for 8 years now we have lived together for 5 years. He gets nagged "when are you going to propose?" I get "hasnt he asked you yet?" oh and when are you having a baby:eek:.

I'm only 23 I havent decided what I want to to with my life yet and ring on my finger will make no difference and a baby will not helps matters I'm sure!!!!



PS this is my first post, hello everyone:j

minerva_windsong

As the 20-something recent graduate child, I'm the one getting asked the "When are you moving out?" questions, not my parents! Although people seem more sympathetic now when I tell them, "When I get a job in London" due to the way the employment market is.

I am also living in dread of family parties because my boyfriend and I keep getting asked when we're getting engaged and/or moving in together - last December it was awful as my sister and his brother got married within two weeks of each other and we got the third degree from various relatives (even complete strangers, to me at least!). By the end of the second wedding I was about ready to throttle the next person who said, "It'll be you two next!" :mad:

My sister keeps getting asked the "when are you going back to work?" questions - she's on the last three years of a five year career break from a fairly high flying job - and then when she tells people that a few people have asked if she's going to have another baby before then (my nephew is two and a half, although oddly the trigger seems to have been him turning two - it never got asked before then for some reason).

ashmit

I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks, three months ago today.

I'm sincerely hoping no one ever asks me again if I have kids. Because I did have one, one DH and I loved and wanted very, very much, but it died. There were no symptoms - we'd had a healthy scan at 12 weeks and the baby's death was only discovered at a routine appointment with my midwife when she couldn't find a heartbeat and referred me for a scan, not dreaming anything was actually wrong (she thought it was lying too low in my pelvis to pick up the heartbeat).

I'm on a mission to erase the question 'do you have children' from polite conversation. If people have kids, they'll let on, sooner or later. If they don't, it might be either a) an incredibly painful topic, or b) something that drives them mad because they don't want kids. ditto 'when are you having kids' - the person you're questioning might want them desperately, but not be able to.

So. I hope this isn't too distasteful for anyone - but at the end of the day, it's something I find very upsetting and if my post makes someone think twice before asking someone if they have kids, or when they are having them, then I think it was worthwhile.

rosalie-lavender

a!!!!! wrote: »

I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks, three months ago today.

I'm sincerely hoping no one ever asks me again if I have kids. Because I did have one, one DH and I loved and wanted very, very much, but it died. There were no symptoms - we'd had a healthy scan at 12 weeks and the baby's death was only discovered at a routine appointment with my midwife when she couldn't find a heartbeat and referred me for a scan, not dreaming anything was actually wrong (she thought it was lying too low in my pelvis to pick up the heartbeat).

I'm on a mission to erase the question 'do you have children' from polite conversation. If people have kids, they'll let on, sooner or later. If they don't, it might be either a) an incredibly painful topic, or b) something that drives them mad because they don't want kids. ditto 'when are you having kids' - the person you're questioning might want them desperately, but not be able to.

So. I hope this isn't too distasteful for anyone - but at the end of the day, it's something I find very upsetting and if my post makes someone think twice before asking someone if they have kids, or when they are having them, then I think it was worthwhile.

It isn't distastful at all. I remember well having to phone some mutual friends to tell them my friend had lost her baby in the same circumstances as you. She had been with me in the morning before she went for her scan. Sadly it happened a second time but the good news is it was discovered her underactive thyroid was what had caused her to lose the babies. It was treated and she went on to have a little girl.

I know so many people that either cannot have children or have had problems conceiving. It is someones personal business anyway and I think it is none of anyone elses business when or if someone plans to have children.

Unfortunately my mil and her side of the family don't seem to have the word private in their dictionary. They will ask you just about anything and think nothing of it. Mil isn't always too fussy about what she repeats either. She is very sweet and good natured but that is one thing I will never get used to. My boys now tell her virtually nothing about girlfriends or anything remotely private. They are also experts in the art of sidestepping any of her veiled questions. The irony is my mum knows more or less everything they do because she doesn't ask and they trust her to respect their privacy.

I even got asked "whether my boys were alright." once after I had sidestepped the questions about girlfriends. What she was meaning was "are they gay?"

Over the years I have been asked most of the questions already mentioned including the "when are you going to start potty training?" DS was only about 2 weeks old when I was first asked that one.:eek: Dh apparently was potty trained from birth.
I think the one I got most fed up with though was endless people asking me "isn't that child walking yet?" about my daughter who didn't walk until she was two. As the health visitor said "why walk when you have two big brothers to wait on you? She had them on a bit of string running and fetching for her. If I got fed up of it how bad must people feel whose children are disabled and are not going to be able to walk?

gratefulforhelp_2

gemmaj wrote: »

Why haven't you weaned him/her yet?
Why haven't you toilet trained him/her yet?
Are you STILL breastfeeding?

Then...When are you having another one?
.

Thats funny and so true. You forgot, two days after birth "is she sleeping through the night yet?"

"When are you going to appear on the honours list?" ??

Gazing_On_Sunsets

After Uni I travelled and did all sorts for a few years so it was always "When are you going to get a proper job?" So I trained as a teacher and got a proper job and worked until I was ill. Then it was "When are you going to stop and look after yourself...?" Now I have a zillion part time jobs that add up to more than full time.

All through my 2O's it was "when are you going to settle down?" Now 33, people were starting to give up until I met someone, and many of my friends are having kids, so it's started up again.

I was covering a "parentcraft" class, bizarrely, for a colleague, teaching adults. The guys wanted to know if I had kids, if not why not, and once they'd established I wasn't gay (like that matters when you are planning a family? They were very cut and dried on this!} they started telling me I was selfish for not wanting kids as "who would look after you when you're old?" Um, how is that selfish? *facepalm*

[Deleted User]

oh oh i forgot one!

I have one boy 2 yrs and one 7 mths as I said but I got 'oh....did you want a girl?' NO. I wanted a healthy baby! Boy or girl made no odds.

wildthing01

so glad (well not glad, but you know what i mean!) to hear others talking about when other people think it's appropriate to question/comment on your child-rearing skills. the thing that gets me most is when complete strangers feel the need to poke their heads into my baby's pram and ask personal questions. the best was when some old lady in a shop randomly walked up to the pram, in which my 3 week old son was screaming his head off, looked at him, looked at me and said accusingly, with no preamble, 'he's hungry'. when i explained he'd just been fed, she said 'he's got tummy ache then'. i never know what to do in those circumstances...

LimeLight

My mother finally stopped asking when I was going to bring a grandchild for her when I came out as gay,