My friend and my depression

Indie_Kid

Really could do with some advice / hugs please:

A friend of mine has known that I have depression and that I self harm for the past 3 years. When he found out, he blamed himself and believed I blamed him. He kept saying that he also believed I would kill myself - I have never said anything like this to him. (I haven't exactly denied it either)

For a while, I was very clingy and he would refuse to talk to me. I discovered that I could get him to talk to me if I told him I needed him to help me - this soon stopped. (I believed he worked this out..)

After this, I had the odd slip up; but nothing major.

Fast forward to January 2010:
I have been having problems with my hallmates and discovered (yet again) that I was only if we talked. He once asked me if I'd come around to his to watch football, do Java or see him and I said that it was to do Java. I then admitted later on that it was the latter.

He asked me what was going on. I told him and he was rather shocked. (He knows one of the hallmates through me)

On Tuesday, we were texting each other. He said to me "I still have your book" and I asked if I could come and get it. He said yes and I went around his that evening.

We got talking and he said that him & his wife are splitting up because of her depression. (it's more she can't cope; not him, I think) He said to me "I hope you don't end up like her". I really didn't know what to say to that; so said nothing.

After coming home, I realised what he meant and became rather upset.

We were talking yesterday and I kept asking him to help me with something. He said "you're just making excuses now; I know that you really want to see me".

I emailed him later on and said that he is partly correct. I also said that what was said on Tuesday has really upset me.

He replied and said "I know what I said; but that is really how I feel".

We are meant to be meeting up next week; (he's taking me to a football match) but given how he's been with me today (he's now refusing to talk to me) I can't see that happening.

I attempted to email him earlier and tell him that we need a break from each other. All I did when writing that email was cry.:(

My problem now is that bwing around him is just making everything harder for the both of us - we're just arguing now. I do think we need a break from each other - but when this has happened in the past, it hasn't lasted long. He gives in and starts talking to me again.

What do I do?

Sorry for the length of the post.

January20

I'm not sure what to say, apart this seems rather like a toxic and confused sort of friendship, so bumping it up to so might get better replies.

Proc

To me it just looks like an interesting slant on "I've stolen someone else's husband and he's realised the grass isn't always greener on the other side".

Indie_Kid

Proc wrote: »

To me it just looks like an interesting slant on "I've stolen someone else's husband and he's realised the grass isn't always greener on the other side".

Our friendship is nothing like that.

Lotus-eater

I've read your post 3 times now, I think I get it, although it is very rambling and confused.
Can I paraphrase.
You have a friend, you want more of a relationship with him than a friendship. When he is there for you, it makes you feel so much better and safe.

You have depression, you self harm, this man stops you having/doing that.

He's splitting up with his wife because of her depression, so whether you like it or not, he's not really going to want to be with someone else who has it.

My advice to you, would be to find other friends if you can, this guy might, or might not be a good friend (it's hard to say from your post) but it doesn't look like he's ever going to be more than that and I think that's hurting you everytime you think about it.
He's been your crutch for so long, you think you can't survive without him, well you can, you just have to learn to.
PM me if you want someone to talk to

Indie_Kid

I am not interested in him. He knows this.

Lotus-eater

sh1305 wrote: »

I am not interested in him. He knows this.

Really?

sh1305 wrote: »

I attempted to email him earlier and tell him that we need a break from each other. All I did when writing that email was cry.:(.

Sounds much more like a relationship than a friendship to me.

Indie_Kid

We're just friends and that's it.

Lotus-eater

sh1305 wrote: »

We're just friends and that's it.

You're not helping very much.....
Have you even read anything else I've written?

So what do you want help with then? Your friendship with this man has gone wrong, Nothing you can do will make it right, so find new friends.

feelinggood_2

Being overly dependant on people is not a good thing, and you shouldn't rely on other people to save you.

Are you seeking treatment for your depression and self-harm?

shell_girl

I may be wrong but I think this is the second thread you've posted about this man? Sorry if I've got it wrong but I'm sure I read something very similar last week.

You describe your relationship as 'friends'. What are you bringing to this relationship? Do you think that you have manipulated him into a position where he has to help you, or he feels responsible for you? If so, this is not friendship. It's emotional bullying at a time when he needs real friends.

I think you need to give him, and you, some space. His marriage is breaking up because of his wife's depression. Leave him alone and let him grieve.