When you marry a widower ...

Errata

PM Looks like you may have to do the 'grace under pressure' thing. Reading your last post, a couple of things :
Your OH can specify what funeral arrangements he wants in his will (I hope he's made one). However his wishes can be ignored by whoever arranges the funeral - odd but true.
Looks like son absolutely dare not fall out with his dad for financial reasons and so he directs his anger at you instead.
Life can seem very unfair at times.

[Deleted User]

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

I've read this thread with interest and all I can say is that I would have stripped the house from top to bottom and removed every trace of the dead wife's photos and belongings.

Sorry.

We live in the present and if I'm married to him, it's going to be me and him, not me, him and the ghost of the dead wife.

That type of reaction does tend to smack of insecurity, though. What's wrong with a few photos and knick-knacks hanging around, out of respect for any remaining children or family visitors? His life has a history, as does his present wife. I'm not advocating a shrine or things remaining the same but surely a happy medium is better than either/or?

Primrose

I've been following this post with sadness because it sounds as if you have had a very hard time trying to live with somebody who is both unable to come to terms with his grief and accept that he has made a big failure of his own life to the point where he seems to be entirely relying on his father's inherited money to keep him afloat rather than making his own way in life.

It does rather sound as if your stepson has now pushed his father too far which inevitably happens. As somebody else has suggested, I hope that your husband has made a Will in which he has made it perfectly clear who he wants to be his Executor and to be responsible for his funeral arrangements.

I can understand that your husband finds it difficult to discipline his son, especially if he has lost one child, but he must surely realise that unless he stands firm on certain issues, you could one day reach the point where you decide that the arrangement becomes untenable if you are pushed too far. You have a right to be treated with respect in your own home, and to expect your husband to ensure this happens, even if that means having to talk harshly to his son.

Perhaps the pair of you need to take a quiet break away somewhere and decide calmly and firmly what legal arrangements you put in place via your Wills so that if one of you dies first, your mutual wishes are respected. And don't forget, you can always put a clause in a Will that anybody who challenges it shall automatically forfeit their legacy. If your stepson is aware of that, it might have an impact in forcing him to modify his behaviour, if nothing else does.

travelgran

Primrose wrote: »

And don't forget, you can always put a clause in a Will that anybody who challenges it shall automatically forfeit their legacy. If your stepson is aware of that, it might have an impact in forcing him to modify his behaviour, if nothing else does.

Is this actually possible? While not referring to this particular situation what if the challenge was perfectly justified?

Primrose

I'm not a lawyer but from what I've read I'm pretty certain that if a Will is legal in the sense that the person who made it is of sound mind and not being put under undue influence, it is a legal and valid Will. A Will doesn't have to be fair to those who feel they are entitled to inherit because they are direct descendants. If the stepson was in a position that he was financially dependant on his father, even though he was an adult, because he was mentally or physcially handicapped for example, he might have a case to challenge a Will to have his needs provided for. However, just because he is the only surviving child, that does not give him an automatic right to inherit. There have been many cases where parents have made Wills that do not favour their children equally (or at all) for some reason or another because of the behaviour of children who might have become drug addicts or otherwise estranged. I think the Courts have mostly ruled in favour of the Will being proved as it was drawn up if it can be shown that the testator was of sound mind at the time. For the avoidance of doubt, I think solicitors usually recommend that in cases where a Will could be contentious, the individual writes a letter accompanying the Will to explain why they have made that decision, especially if during their lifetime they have already made substantial loans to a child which have not been repaid, etc.

Gemsgalore

27 boxes of old Woman's Realm; 394 bars of rock hard Avon soap; carrier bags full of free samples gone mildewed; shoeboxes full of Little Chef sauce and salt sachets and toothpicks ....

Good grief.......I thought I was a hoarder but this had me in stitches

I have no great insight here PM, I truly wish I did. I have read the whole thread and you have done nothing wrong that I can see. You have had to step into someone's shoes and that's never going to be easy. Your OH has lost his wife and other son, making him an only child.......and boy is he taking full advantage of this in my view. I know this means that the son has also lost his only brother and I really feel for him, but we must move on in life......there is no alternative, all we can do is make the process as easy as we possibly can. I'm sure you will find loads of step parents who have gone through similar, walking into established families is a minefield of bottled up emotions and hurt. I don't think your OH is being spineless, I think as you have cottoned on to, he is just so frightened of losing the very last little piece of his whole existence......his only child.

I have no idea what I'd do in your shoes. Just try to keep in mind that as long as your conscience is clear and you know that you have done nothing but show compassion and open arms to the son.....then you can carry on with your new life and husband, guilt free and in the knowledge that all you have done, is set up home with someone you love and who loves you.

Many kids will always hate stepmothers, regardless of how old they are, in fact to some it would be disrespectful to their Mothers memory to like you, ..................even if you were Mother Teresa.

You are OH next of kin so if you survive him I'm pretty sure you will have the final say of where he is buried/cremated and where the ashes go etc (Im sure someone will clarify if this is correct) So hopefully that wouldn't cause any feuds

Minxy_Bella

joolzred wrote: »

That type of reaction does tend to smack of insecurity, though. What's wrong with a few photos and knick-knacks hanging around, out of respect for any remaining children or family visitors? His life has a history, as does his present wife. I'm not advocating a shrine or things remaining the same but surely a happy medium is better than either/or?

You have a fair point which I understand and appreciate but would it work both ways, do you think?

If the wife put up lots of photos of her ex-lovers/spouse, I'm not sure that a lot of men would be totally happy with being reminded constantly that there were other men in his partner's life before him.

Just because the lady has married a widower, why should she be expected to live with the constant memories of her predecessor, given that our society tends to canonise the dead? Would it be the same if the chap was merely divorced? I honestly don't think it would be.

[Deleted User]

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

You have a fair point which I understand and appreciate but would it work both ways, do you think?

If the wife put up lots of photos of her ex-lovers/spouse, I'm not sure that a lot of men would be totally happy with being reminded constantly that there were other men in his partner's life before him.

Just because the lady has married a widower, why should she be expected to live with the constant memories of her predecessor, given that our society tends to canonise the dead? Would it be the same if the chap was merely divorced? I honestly don't think it would be.

Of course, but when a couple have had a long marriage and one has died or they've divorced amicably then I don't think it's unreasonable to leave a photo or two hanging around, or a couple of family knick-knacks (not a full-on shrine!) just so children or family visitors don't feel their history has been written off. I don't advocate either extreme reaction - complete erasure or leaving things as they are - but some common sense.

This situation *has* arisen in my family and my relative's new partner is happy to let the London flat they share remain mostly as it is as it's visited by by my relative's children & grand-children, and has brought some of her personal mementoes too as her family also visit. Both seem mature enough to value their current happiness without denying their previous (happy) marriages. I guess the clincher is that all of their children are happy for them!

With regard to the OP I certainly have every sympathy - the son sounds like a !!!!!!. It's fine to renovate & revamp a house. Just relocate the wedding picture to the dining room or somewhere, and put up a couple of photos of the child with his mum having fun in the main room, plus a couple of old knick-knacks, and I'd say you'd done the right thing. Good on her for getting rid of the junk!! If the stupid boy wanted the junk he'd have taken it before now!

Errata

I doubt any woman would object to the old wedding photo and Great Aunt Lizzie's inherited Georgian silver in the old family home. Problem is, PM isn't living in the old family home, she's in the holiday home which would have only been lived in by the whole family for a very few weeks each year.

paddy's_mum

What's funny-daft and infinitely sad about all this is that I didn't, and still don't, have any kind of problem with the memory of my hubby's first wife.

Neither do I have a problem with my ex-husband having several years ago established a successful relationship with a lady that my/our three adult daughters meet regularly, like very much and value as a person in her own right. She babysits my grand-daughter on occasion. Great! I don't feel threatened. I wish him well and why wouldn't I, since nobody can take away the good things that came out of our marriage? Life does, and should, change and grow and perhaps be different but just as good. It's just a pity that my stepson seems to be stuck in a grief time-warp and can't understand that.

The picture with my stepson is vastly different. He already owned any and everything belonging to his mother that had any value. He already had all the family photos, knick-knacks and precious mementoes. What he wanted was for every last thing to remain as it was, for ever. That's not logical or reasonable unless the motive for kicking up a monumental stink, in the home and all over town, is to make sure that the incoming woman is made fully aware that she's treading on holy ground! In his eyes, even a saint would have been found seriously wanting.

He had no answer when asked what was supposed to happen to a stack of his late mother's size 22 holey, well-worn pinnies (I'm size 14 so no use to anyone here) or the 32 pairs of worn and bobbled Brentford Nylons sheets. This is a family that hoards everything, not just mementoes and items of sentimental value. The late wife once bought a souvenir tea-towel. Friends and relatives saw it and started buying them for her. She ended up with over 450 individual tea-towels, all stacked away in a large Lloyd Loom blanket box and never used. They got smoke damaged and because they wanted to preserve Mum's precious collection, I washed, dried, pressed and re-packed every last one, without a tumble dryer and in November.

That box has remained untouched and forgotten about in an outhouse for over five years. The tea towels don't even have a use in a domestic environment. Have you ever tried to wipe-up the dishes with a pure linen cloth? Perhaps I should suggest to my stepson that he comes to get that box and stores it in his studio flat? Yes, I'm bitter at the unfairness of his allegation and I suspect that most second wives would feel exactly the same.

Neither hubby nor I deny the other's past life. My girls and their families are welcomed here at any time because they have been open-minded, fair and as they grew to know him, warm and affectionate with my hubby and he values them as nice people. I'm quite certain that if I went under a bus tomorrow, for the rest of his own life, they would be welcome.

My stepson, on the other hand, has behaved boorishly and dishonourably from day one, and the pity of it is that by the time he discovered that perhaps I wasn't so bad, any trust I might have had in him was dying. He does come here but I can't truthfully say that I look forward to the visits. I'm civil but secretly always wary .. and that's the tragedy of this entire situation.

I'm quite certain that if he could only turn the clock back, he'd handle things vastly differently and use a bit of wisdom instead of roaring round like a bull in a china shop trying to bully his father and me into complying with his every last unreasonable and pitiful whim.

I also think that I should have been the b!tch I was believed to be and locked uncompromising horns with both father and son from day one, perhaps much of this hostility and hurt would have been nipped in the bud and never come to pass.

I truly don't have a problem with recognising the value of the past. I do have a problem dealing with wild and baseless allegations of wrong-doing from a middle aged man who ought to have had enough kindness in his soul to be glad for the happiness and comfort of his father, even if the changes to the house and father's lifestyle did ruffle his feathers.
*
*
*
Ermm - stepson - I just discovered in the old stable a large stack of plastic bi-coloured floor tiles with the date 1968 on the packages, a box of 11 worn and tarnished vinyl handbags, three large suitcases of outsize dresses and underwear, 26 tins of solidified old paint, and three rusty electric fires, minus elements. When would you like to come over to collect them or alternatively, which local storage facility would you like me to deliver them to? I understand that XXX Bros of Wisbech charge only £10 a week for a small car sized storage cube .....