When you marry a widower ...

paddy's_mum

In order to protect the 'innocent', I can't give much detail but would really welcome opinions on this scenario.

Six years after the death of his wife, a widower remarries. The new wife puts a substantial (£25k+) amount of her own money into remodelling the husband's house and bringing it into the 21st century. (It had been used as a holiday getaway and was never the matrimonial home)

During a disagreement, the adult son levels the charge at his father's second wife that she had "tried to wipe my mother's memory out" with the building works, and the getting her own kitchenalia in, replacing 1970's curtains and gaudy patterned carpets, replacing old blankets with duvets etc. You get the picture, I'm sure.

The son seems to be astonished that a second wife would prefer not to live with and among all his late mother's possessions .. and is very hostile to any suggestion that his perception is both insensitive and flawed.

How would you deal with this?

Lotus-eater

I would expect the widower to sort out his son.

euronorris

I think a heart to heart with the son is required. From his point of view, all physical memory of his Mum has just been wiped out by another woman.

I know it wasn't intended that way, but it is probably how he views it and is therefore very upset.

Are there any items that his mother wanted passed onto him, or that he would like, that can now be given to him?

Or maybe, just a few items of hers in the living room?

I can understand why he's upset that the family home is now, apparently, devoid of his mother's touch. It must be quite painful for him, so best to try and meet him halfway and show him that it's not intended that way but that his father does need to move on with his life.

angelicmary85

euronorris wrote: »

I think a heart to heart with the son is required. From his point of view, all physical memory of his Mum has just been wiped out by another woman.

I know it wasn't intended that way, but it is probably how he views it and is therefore very upset.

Are there any items that his mother wanted passed onto him, or that he would like, that can now be given to him?

Or maybe, just a few items of hers in the living room?

I can understand why he's upset that the family home is now, apparently, devoid of his mother's touch. It must be quite painful for him, so best to try and meet him halfway and show him that it's not intended that way but that his father does need to move on with his life.

Very well put Euro but it's used as a holiday home, not the house they live in

euronorris

angelicmary85 wrote: »

Very well put Euro but it's used as a holiday home, not the house they live in

Yeah, I know. But it's still a house that belongs to the 'family', so to speak.

And, I expect that's why the son is feeling so 'put out'. If it's a holiday home then it probably holds a lot of very happy memories for him.

It's just change, but very difficult change for him.

pigpen

I think he may need to act like the adult he is supposed to be and realise life moves on.. and if his hasn't maybe he needs to consider bereavement counselling. I think it is very immature to expect his father to become celibate and consecrate the home and the rest of his life to mourning his loss.

I agree that any items no longer on display he might like to have for himself.. I'm certain he would love some floral curtains and musty blankets..

After 6 years a lot of the kitchen stuff would need replacing anyway.

I do think had it been a long happy marriage a few photographs of the family could be on display at least.. it is wrong to deny either party had no former existance so pictures of family etc would be a nice touch.

If it is used only as a holiday home..maybe they are wanting to rent it out to reclaim some of the substantial costs invested in it (which seem very steep for just a holiday home!!) and who would want to holiday in a house which hasn't been touched in 30 years? It would not only be dated but grubby and maybe a bit grotty too. Also, as a holiday home it isn't actually the FAMILY home is it? The son needs to get a grip and the dad needs to tell him so!

paddy's_mum

It was indeed the holiday home for the first wife but is now the matrimonial home for the man and his second wife.

The son had whatever he wanted (in terms of possessions) in the years between the time of his mother's death and the second marriage. He was given many items of considerable value - all her jewelry, her collections of Royal Doulton - amounting to a value of many thousands of pounds.

Interestingly, he did not take away one item from the shedloads of valueless clutter. That was all left for the second wife to slog over and drag to the tip. An example? A large suitcase containing every birthday or Christmas card received since 1946!

The second marriage was five years ago but it is only now that the son's desire to blame the second wife for declining to keep the house as a shrine to his late mother is emerging. Father has backed the second wife completely but neither spouse has any idea of how to deal with the bullets of resentment and spite being fired at her.

I appreciate an earlier comment re the living room but honestly - how many women would welcome say the first wife's wedding picture in pride of place over the fireplace?

euronorris

Mmmm, hadn't realised this was a delayed reaction of sorts. Which makes me wonder if this is really the issue, or if something else has upset him?

And, it doesn't have to be a wedding picture, but I don't think the house should be devoid of all her pictures. It's not like they divorced, or there's any chance of a reconciliation, so one or two family pics would be good.

Then again, it depends on how often the son (or other family members) visit the house. And, again, I think there is a different issue underlying this one. So, I'm feeling now, that any attempt to appease him will not be enough.

Are there any issues in the son's life at present? Work, divorce etc etc? Anything at all?

Certainly not a simple one to resolve.

floss2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

...The second marriage was five years ago but it is only now that the son's desire to blame the second wife for declining to keep the house as a shrine to his late mother is emerging. Father has backed the second wife completely but neither spouse has any idea of how to deal with the bullets of resentment and spite being fired at her.

I appreciate an earlier comment re the living room but honestly - how many women would welcome say the first wife's wedding picture in pride of place over the fireplace?

Has something happened in his own life to trigger this? Or is it a significant anniversary / date / year for his mother (i.e. my own mother died in 2005 but would have been 80 next Saturday which to me means that my memories are even more poignant this year).

I agree that the husband / father needs to speak to his son, and ascertain exactly what has brough this about at the present time, while asserting that he will not tolerate the behaviour towards his wife.

Lotus-eater

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Father has backed the second wife completely but neither spouse has any idea of how to deal with the bullets of resentment and spite being fired at her.

If the softly softly approach has been tried and didn't work, then I suggest a simple conversation, where the father tells the son not to contact them for the time being, until he can act and talk in a normal manner.

He might end up losing his son over this, but it's not his fault.

eklynne

I keep all my cards in a suitcase under my bed, there are hundreds and I would hate to think that if I died someone would take them to a skip. Maybe I'm a bit too sentimental, but cards and written words have always meant more to me than expensive possessions.