When you marry a widower ...

eklynne

Person_one wrote: »

But they only have meaning to you. As long as you have them to read and look at during your life does it matter what happens to them after? Who do you expect to keep them?

My kids maybe? Or my siblings? My mum has letters and cards which were given by her parents to each other and in my opinion they are priceless. Yes, they were between my grandparents but just because they are dead doesn't mean they now have no value.
Perhaps some of the cards in this deceased lady's suitcase were from her husband?
Words and memories are precious, a skip is no place for things that were sent from the heart. I actually find it quite disrespectful.

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

In fact letters and photos, is one of the things my DH and his siblings bemoan. They think that had they known with enough warning they would have liked to spend a week together going through this sort of stuff, reminiscing..seeing if there were any that meant something to them...or to their mother's siblings.

Oh I don't think there's anything wrong with offering these things to people who may want them, just that its a bit much to expect someone to preserve a suitcase full of papers/cards that may just be a burden to them just because they meant something to you.

I don't think people should feel obliged to hold onto things they don't want for the sake of someone who isn't around to appreciate them anymore!

As to the OP's situation. I think dad needs to sit down with his son and explain his wife's feelings, reassure him it was a joint decision to change the house and that the new wife is not a replacement for his mother, but his companion for this second part of his life. Is son having some family/marital issues of his own that have brought this on?

euronorris

eklynne wrote: »

My kids maybe? Or my siblings? My mum has letters and cards which were given by her parents to each other and in my opinion they are priceless. Yes, they were between my grandparents but just because they are dead doesn't mean they now have no value.
Perhaps some of the cards in this deceased lady's suitcase were from her husband?
Words and memories are precious, a skip is no place for things that were sent from the heart. I actually find it quite disrespectful.

I think it depends on which/how many cards were retained.

I hold onto, what I consider to be, significant cards. ie, the ones celebrating my Birth, my Baptism, first birthday, 18th etc etc And, only from those who are most important to me, ie immediate family and closest friends/OH.

But, I wouldn't hold onto every card, from every year, for every event. They don't hold that much value to me, and these days most are just: To xxxx, Happy Birthday! Have a great day! Love xxxxx. So many people don't write long messages, or even a short message of significance, these days.

Perhaps it would've been best for the new wife to check with the family first though. Or maybe she did and received no feedback.

Person_one

eklynne wrote: »

My kids maybe? Or my siblings? My mum has letters and cards which were given by her parents to each other and in my opinion they are priceless. Yes, they were between my grandparents but just because they are dead doesn't mean they now have no value.
Perhaps some of the cards in this deceased lady's suitcase were from her husband?
Words and memories are precious, a skip is no place for things that were sent from the heart. I actually find it quite disrespectful.

A skip (well, a recycling facility!) is the right place if there is no one living who wants to keep them. A suitcase full is quite a lot of space in some people's homes, they shouldn't feel guilty for not keeping these things.

busiscoming2

I find this quite difficult to answer. My common sense tells me that 12 years (since his mothers death) is a long time and that the father deserves some happiness and a new life. But having lost my mum (only fairly recently - almost 2 years ago) and I am in my 40's I think I would be upset if a lot of changes were made to what was my mothers home, albeit a holiday home. I think I would feel it was still hers.

Maybe if it had been sold he (son) would be feeling differently? I think dad needs to talk to him and ask him what he has a problem with. I would assume he is ok generally with the new wife?

belfastgirl23

I think that the new wife and the son need to sit down and have a proper talk. At the minute they are both demonising each other - he thinks she is a gold digger, she thinks he is out for what he can get and making trouble. If they could build a better relationship then this might settle down.

Actually I feel for him a bit though. I drove past my grandmother's house yesterday and it was a bit dilapidated looking and even though she has been dead ten years I found it really upsetting. Knowing it isn't the same place is another piece of the jigsaw of accepting that she is dead and never ever coming back. And that's hard, however much my logical mind has accepted this, my heart is still somehow hopeful. I don't think the son is grieving the curtains or whatever but is grieving the loss of his mother. And while we might think it's ten years and he should get over it, grief has its own timetable and sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

If I were the stepmum I'd apologise from the heart. I'd say that the last thing I wanted to do was upset him and that I understand him missing his mother and feeling worried that her memory isn't being respected. And ask him what I could do to make things better. By now no one can bring back the past anyway, the curtains etc are gone, so it's about the gesture of accepting his grief and how it has made him behave.

I would totally understand why she would be upset but I think she needs to acknowledge why he is hitting out at her on this. Hopefully he will also come to understand that what he's feeling isn't anger but is misdirected grief.

Hermia

eklynne wrote: »

My kids maybe? Or my siblings? My mum has letters and cards which were given by her parents to each other and in my opinion they are priceless. Yes, they were between my grandparents but just because they are dead doesn't mean they now have no value.
Perhaps some of the cards in this deceased lady's suitcase were from her husband?
Words and memories are precious, a skip is no place for things that were sent from the heart. I actually find it quite disrespectful.

Unfortunately you cannot keep everything anyone every wrote. When my grandmother died I ended up with tons of letters and cards. I live in a shoebox where I constantly have problems as there is no storage space. None of the names on the letters and cards meant anything to me and they were not particularly interesting. What annoyed me is that the rest of the family said we must keep them, but they all claimed they didn't have the room (they all live in houses considerably bigger than my flat)! I don't expect people to keep all my stuff when I die.

paddy's_mum

Oh, believe me she did check and got the husband's relieved and grateful permission to do what he couldn't bring himself to tackle but this is a family of hoarders. That suitcase had been buried in the mountain of junk in the loft for years. Neither the son nor the father even knew what was in it. They could have written their names in the thick dust on the lid.

The second wife has got one tea-chest sized box of lifetime memories, including her children's baptism robe, and previous marriage wedding photos. Shes totally understands sentimental value but there is no disrespect whatever in disposing, 7 years after her death, of the deceased's 39 years worth of bank paperwork; 27 boxes of old Woman's Realm; 394 bars of rock hard Avon soap; carrier bags full of free samples gone mildewed; shoeboxes full of Little Chef sauce and salt sachets and toothpicks ....

What son truly thinks that the second wife ought to be grateful to have another woman's hoarded junk, clothes, battered 1950's furniture, moth-eaten crocheted blankets, beaten up rugs, mis-matched crockery etc ad nauseum while her own nice things sit in storage for the duration of the second marriage?

He hasn't offered to lift a finger to deal with the (literally!) shed loads of junk but has been happy to take everything of value.

The more I think about this, the more I realise that it's the fact of being not his mother that he is hating the second wife for and that perhaps she is beating her head against a brick wall to even begin to think that they can ever have a genuinely kind, fair and affectionate relationship.

Lotus-eater

paddy's_mum wrote: »

The more I think about this, the more I realise that it's the fact of being not his mother that he is hating the second wife for and that perhaps she is beating her head against a brick wall to even begin to think that they can ever have a genuinely kind, fair and affectionate relationship.

No no, it can happen, but the son needs to change and he needs to be told to change.
I still think the father is letting the son get away with way too much. He needs to explain to the son the way it's going to be, that he is acting unreasonably, not just unreasonably, but bloody rude and hurtful.
Firm but fair.

belfastgirl23

Are you sure though that the isn't an element of the second wife wanting to remove traces of the first wife? And that there isn't any truth at all in some of what the son is saying? TBH going into the loft to clear it out seems a bit OTT to me - I understand redoing a kitchen, after all you're living and working in it - but this sounds a bit like removing all traces.

Part of the reason the stuff was there may have been that the family couldn't face dealing with it but that doesn't mean that it's right for the new wife to do so. Actually I think it wasn't appropriate for her to go through personal belongings no matter how much she has put into the house. And no matter how much she might have asked the other family members to do it and no matter whether the husband agreed to it or not. It just feels insensitive to me...I'm thinking of similar situations in my own family and when I think of second wives clearing out stuff belonging to first wives all I can think is :eek:

I think she made a mistake - it happens, we all do it from time to time and she didn't realise she was treading on corns but she has. She needs to fix this and fast before her husband ends up in the terrible position of cutting off his son as a way of demonstrating support for his wife. Which would just prove to the son everything he has been thinking about the wife because if she would make him choose, she's not so much of a catch.

((sorry I know it's a bit strongly worded but I think it's horrible to put a father in this position))

Oh and if you were posting on behalf of the son I'd be advising him the same thing it's not a rant about stepmothers, I'd be telling him that she meant well and didn't intend to hurt him and he should recognise this...