When you marry a widower ...

Lotus-eater

paddy's_mum wrote: »

the head-in-the-sand, rose-tinted, I'll-sort-it-out-tomorrow father

I knew it.
God I love being right.


I do hope you get it sorted, I presume you've told him how unhappy it makes you?

pusscat

I have not had time to read all of the posts – so apologies if I repeat anything someone else has said….
I am that adult “child” IYKWIM. My parents had been married very happily for many years, we had a great upbringing, much love, much happiness and then out of the blue when I was in my mid 30’s my Mum developed a disease, fought it for 18 months and then sadly died. My Dad remarried very quickly.
I feel “anger” at my Dads new wife – not because of anything she has done, but simply because she is here and my Mum is not – getting past the “fairness” of it all is pretty hard. It is very hard to be rational and lots of small things start to take on a huge importance that they should not. In my case I would feel very hurt in the situation of the adult son too – after you loose a parent, somehow all of those memories, things and places take on a much more special meaning – your Mum will never get to upgrade her kitchen, so it is hard to watch somebody else step into her life and do it, especially in a way you know she would not like – if you see what I mean. I am not saying he is right, but I can certainly understand how he feels. It is nothing to do with it being a holiday home or not – it is memories of “before Mum died”.
I suspect that the anger is nothing really to do with the kitchen, it is more to do with still grieving and still missing his mum – often it is hard to be angry at the dead parent directly for leaving you as you know it is not their fault, but you are angry and someone has to get the blame. It is also difficult to be angry at your living parent as you actually want them to be happy – the easiest thing is to blame the person who has taken your Mums place.
Sorting the situation out falls squarely on Dads shoulders – but in my experience, Dads are not always the most sensitive of creatures and the gentle steps required to form a trusting and lasting bond with their kids after Mums death just seem to bypass them…
I would suggest that in the OP’s scenario the Dad in question takes some time out to really talk to his kids (and in particular this son) not in an accusing way, but in a loving way, a supportive way and a gentle way, to accept that his son feels this way to accept that he is hurt and to accept than maybe in the past he has not always acknowledged the sons hurt, to explain to the son that he is loved, to explain that there is not a contest for his (the fathers) affections, to explain that the son will always have his own special place in his Dads heart. Maybe Dad could also let the son have anything from the old house that he likes and feels an attraction to and he can take that and keep it in his own house.
At the same time he also needs to explain that the house was owned by him and his first wife – not by the son, he needs to explain that it was his decision to refurbish it and it was his decision to allow his second wife to pay for it in part (or whatever the circumstances are) and that if the son is to be angry at anyone then it is at him – as it is him who has chosen to do this.
In general, it is pretty hard for any new husband or wife to do anything “right” regarding things that relate to the first marriage – so in general it is best to get rid of everything and start again together with a new life.

I am not saying any of this is right or rational - it is just how it is :-)

I hope this makes some sense – please feel free to PM me or ask any questions if I can help explain it from the “childs” point of view any better.

Puss
xx

paddy's_mum

I can't express how disappointed and upset I am by some of the responses to this thread. As much as I defend free speech and the right of others to hold a different viewpoint, some of this feels like a deliberate misinterpretation of the information given.

For heaven's sake, just point to the bit where a single word I said could be interpreted that I had thrown out, willynilly, anything that belonged to the first wife without regard, respect or consent? The son had absolutely free rein, for six years, to sort out, preserve, keep, store, archive - whatever word you care to use - his late mother's possessions. He did not one jot except to take the valuable items. The rest - and I'll repeat that there were sheds full of junk - was just ignored and left to rot for years. "Precious"? What sane person objects to the disposal of 29 woodwormed hammers or a crate of obsolete Avon catalogues? Those things only became important when their disposal became a stick to beat me with!

I've only one question really. Let's imagine that my original post had read like this:-

* * *
Ever since his father first asked me out, 7 years ago, my bone idle step-son has been behaving hatefully towards both me and his over indulgent father. Once we married and I was preparing to move into my husband's house, the son was clearly furious that he had to get a job and support himself. For the six years before that, he had been treating their home like a hotel, never lifting a finger and relying on his father to suport him from the proceeds of the sale of the former matrimonial home. He was very happy for that to be sold as he was given a brand new car out of it. He has no friends, doesn't wash too often and his teeth are green with neglect.

He's just been forced to tell us that by working only part-time for the past four years, he has run up in excess of £10k in debt and his foolish father is now running around frantically trying to raise that money to save his son from his creditors and won't listen when I say that it is madness to risk the roof over our heads.

I've tried so hard to forge an amicable relationship with the 40 year old son but everything we do is wrong in his eyes. He seems incapable of giving credit where it is due, just harps on about minor glitches from the past, such as how stupid we were to waste so much money replacing the rusting original Crittal windows with modern double glazing and that only idiots would change the 35 year old storage heaters for an up to date central heating system. He seems quite happy for me to keep on footing bills from my own money to repair or maintain the house provided I want no say in how that money is spent.

I'm getting fed-up with being treated like a piece of dog dirt on his shoe when I know that I don't deserve it. Should I keep trying or should I just accept that nothing will ever overcome his chip on the shoulder at how unfairly (he thinks) life has treated him?

* * *

Every last word I have written is the truth. Now tell me who is the sensitive one, deserving of a bit of compassion and kindness and dare I suggest it .. forgiveness? Respect!? This man doesn't understand the concept and I'm tired of being punished for it.

Errata - thank you for your last post. Spot on, and I appreciate it.

Errata

You know what ? Decent offspring would be glad to see their dad happy and settled with a new wife. I suspect the dead wife also would.

Lotus-eater

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I can't express how disappointed and upset I am by some of the responses to this thread. As much as I defend free speech and the right of others to hold a different viewpoint, some of this feels like a deliberate misinterpretation of the information given.

If everyone thought the same way, you'd never have to ask a question on here, because you'd already know the answer.

Also some people don't read the posts properly, the written word doesn't always come over in the same way or attitude that it is written and things are just interpreted differently by people depending on their experiences.

Bearing that in mind and the fact you were asking for peoples thoughts, I fail to see, apart from outright rudeness, why people who post on here get so upset.

Errata

I'm getting fed-up with being treated like a piece of dog dirt on his shoe when I know that I don't deserve it. Should I keep trying or should I just accept that nothing will ever overcome his chip on the shoulder at how unfairly (he thinks) life has treated him?

From what you've written the son doesn't respect himself or his dad, so don't expect him to respect you. Ignore him and don't rise to his bait.

Pee

A holiday home is likely to have a lot of sentimental memories. Very hard for all concerned, for a son losing his mother and for a new wife coming in. It is up to the widower to set things straight and also to make sure that his Will and hers are up to date and cover what should happen in the future.

margaretclare

Well, I was widowed 18 months after we moved here, and I got together with my second husband 5 years after widowhood, remarried 4 years after that. He moved in with me, and since then has put a lot of work, effort and money into this place.

The reaction of family members was variable. Some - grandchildren especially - saw it as 'disloyal' to their late grandad. Others couldn't have been more pleased for us.

Things move on. I would hope that everyone and anyone updates their kitchen, buys new curtains, repaints or wallpapers, enough to keep the place modern, easy-care and convenient. What on earth is the point of NOT doing so? You hear occasionally of houses that are like a time-capsule of the 1950s. Unless you want to live in a museum, and put up with the inconveniences of those times, it's ludicrous. I agree with Errata.

andrealm

I can see both sides to this. It's understandable that the son feels upset about the changes made to the house but he shouldn't take it out on you or his dad. It sound as though the son hasn't really moved on after his mum's death. If he doesn't wash or clean his teeth, maybe it's a sign that he's clinically depressed. It must be very difficult if the son is so hostile even after several years.

If they are a family of hoarders, they will find it very difficult to deal with sorting out the first wife's stuff, even though a lot of it s junk, it may be hard for them to deal with it even after a number of years.

Of course you would want to make changes to the house especially if it hadn't been touched since the 1970s. Was selling the house and starting afresh ever considered? How long had you been living in the house when you cleared out the loft and started to make changes?

flossyblog

Listen paddys mum

you don't need permission or approval from anyone. As this is your stepson I would tell his father to talk to him. Tell your husband exactly what you what, and then tell him if he does not do it you will take care of it yourself.

Go to your stepson tell him to ---- off until he becomes a decent human being.

Now you can settle down, relax and enjoy your married life with your husband in your home.