Marriage Woes

tattycath

Hi OP. I have just read this thread and couldn't read and run. I lived with my ex for 10 years, he 'had to go to the pub every night. It wasn't a problem before we had the children-I used to go with him, however, once the children arriv ed My life changed and his...didn't. He went to the pub straight from work every evening and every weekend. He had no time for me and the kids. he did do odd jobs round the house but he had to go to the pub for his 'fix'. His way of winding down. If I wanted us to go out as a couple he would say it was my turn to pay-and i invariably had to drive home too-unless we went to the 'local'. Only unlike you the relationship we had was volatile and he was violent-for a few years-then I endured mental cruelty after that for 3 years. I talked to him, screamed at him and cried at him to show more consideration for me and the kids-but to no avail. He never thought i would ever leave him because i had suggested it on several occasions. When I did leave I was at rock bottom-when you're constantly told every day for 3 years that you're worth nothing, deserve nothing and how lucky you are to be swith such a man (roll eyes!!). Anyway I digress-sorry. Getting back to your situation. The point is, he won't change. You're flogging a dead horse to think he might (i'm afraid). If he's anything like my ex it will be a case of 'if he has a problem, you both have a problem if you have a problem and he doesn't-it's your problem'.
I don't blame you for looking to divorce. You need to move on with your life as you deserve so much better.

I've left my ex 10 years ago and haven't looked back-the kids have a relationship with him-but they rarely want to see him, but that's another story...
Good luck OP. ((hugs))

jakem_2

PM..... Your right, its there in front of my eyes, I did think I was expecting too much, I did think it was me, but when it got worse and I was doing more I realised this is how it will always be.
I know the expression, 'men dont think like us', but he never offers, I would have to ask, if I was carrying something heavy like a bag of composte, he wouldnt think of saying, 'here love let me get that', I would have to say, are you going stand there and do nothing?
Cause of my back problems I am not supposed to hoover, yes really lol, but he knows and I do,I cant pick thinks up, heavyish things but I do, cause he would stnad there and do s8d all.

Tattycath..... it must have been hell for you, I think its much worse when you have kids, as your trying to stay strong for your kids, and the emotional stress wears you down.

I know I am flogging a dead horse, and he genuinly cant see what the problem is either, he will sit, (notice I always use the word sit) and look at me as if I have two heads.
Infact we had a bit of a ding dong last night, I said its a sham of a marriage, you are like a lodger, housemate, there is no us, its only you, I went on about the weekend business, and the after work, I said I wouldnt mind so much if we had some time together, whats wrong with every other weekend its us, not that I really want that, but did a year ago, but I wanted to see his reaction, again the usual, didnt say anything, He will not discuss anything as he doesnt want to hear it, and I never got the chance to mention money as he just switched off.

Am glad your happy now,:) you did the right thing and it must have been hard with kids, I had a violent marriage the first time round and had 2 kids.

Pusscat..... sorry I meant to reply to you earlier, but I forgot.
I wish it was so simple I could draw up a rota, but he wouldnt do it, or if he did I would have to go over it again.
The thing with him is he cant do much, even if he mows the lawn, (thats really all he does, its a petrol mower and I cant pull the string bit) but he will go down and back up then he has to stop, lights up a fag and just stand there doing a benny hill impression with his hand on his hips.
He mows the lawn, thats it, he has done his duty, he is now entitled to go off to the pub, he cannot even contemplate in doing 1 other household chore, it s beyond him, his mentality is telling him he has done his bit.......

Like I mentioned earlier, I am off in a couple of weeks on hols with my friend, her treat, bless her, but I will pay her back, and I will be taken stock of things, he knows the end is near, I told him last night, whether he takes it in is another matter, as he has selective hearing, (when it suits him)

lees1950

Just wondering how old he is? Almost seems to have given up on life - almost detached as though it's all a disappointment and not worth bothering with. Depressed maybe? Definitely stubborn so
I think, like the others have all said, you need a different life. What do your children think - they must know him well
Wish u much luck and happiness whatever happens x

Annisele

jakem wrote: »

We have separate rooms, as he snores so badly, also we havent made love for some months now, as I don’t feel ‘warm’ to him, as him being the way he is puts me off him. he falls asleep every evening on the sofa downstairs about 9pm, I am upstairs watching TV or on the PC, I can hear him through the closed sitting room door, and the bedroom door is closed, I have my TV on, and he has the front room TV on, and yet I can still hear him, if I am lucky I fall asleep first and don’t hear him, but when he starts snoring I cannot get to sleep as I have to wake him up to stop snoring, so I have to get out of bed and tell him, and this can be 3 times a night, so my sleep is broken, and I am so tired and stressed.
　

I haven't read the whole post so apologies if this has been mentioned - but has he been to a GP to see if he has sleep apnea, or some other medical condition?

My OH used to snore *incredibly* loudly - from the sounds of it at least as loudly as yours - and it turned out that he had sleep apnea. The sleep apnea was treated, and then suddenly he had bundles of energy and almost all signs of laziness disappeared almost overnight.

He hadn't even realised that he hadn't been sleeping properly. The consultant who treated him reckoned that he might not have had a proper night's sleep in the whole of his adult life, so he didn't actually know what 'not tired' felt like - and it's not surprising somebody is cranky in those circumstances!

jakem_2

I thought i would pop back in to give an update on events.

We went on holiday as it was booked last year, I knew my feeling hadnt changed, so I thought perhaps on holiday I might be able to actually talk to him, like I mentioned previously, he does not want to talk at all, his eyes are glued to the TV.

Anyway, it didnt do any good, he was snoring every night, I never slept well at all, I would sit on the balcony in tears as this selfish git is snoring away, then he would have the cheek to fall asleep at the pool and snore his head off, I was so embarressed by people making jokey comment all through the holiday.
He didnt want to venture out anywhere, or walk anywhere, or do anything, I am lying around the pool next to him sleeping and snoring, everything was an effort, if i asked him to go to the bar to get a drink, its, 'in a minute', or pop back to the room for a bottle of suntan,' we have enough to do us'
I was the one running around getting the drinks, arranging a parasol for him etc.

Anyway, came back home knackered, with black eyes through lack of sleep, feeling like carp, what does he do?, goes off to the pub!!!, the grass needs cutting, 'do it later he says',so i am sorting out all the washing, cleaning the house etc.
he still wouldnt go and make an appt with the doctor about his snoring

Over the easter he went out every day, just like a single man, didnt lift a finger, so I told him its over, I was calm and firm, and said you have had enough warnings, threats, whatever you like to call them and he has done nothing.
So he has packed his bags and gone, he didnt even put up a fight, or try and discuss it, I wasnt expecting it anyway, as he never wants to discuss our problems.

I feel better now that actually something has moved along, I still have the divorce papers which I will get round to filling in, I daresay he thinks it will be another 'glitch' like last year when he came back after 2 weeks, and he got worse.
I told him it wont be like last time, this time I mean it.

In one way I do feel sad that it has to come to this, if he had of met me halfway, or even a third of the way, then there might have been hope for us, but he has done nothing, just carried on his selfish way of life without no thought to me.

I will keep you updated when things start to move properly, as there will be lots of questions and advice i will need.

I just want to thank you all again for being there, and listening to me.:T

Minxy_Bella

It's always sad when a marriage ends, honey but I hope that you feel a bit better now and are more optimistic about your own future. The holiday sounds like a total nightmare to me, so I'm sure you've done the right thing.

xxx