Marriage Woes

Errata

This is the $64k question. If you suddenly became seriously ill and needed to be looked after, would he do it ? Would you want him to do it ? And vice versa for him.

carefullycautious

I think he need to go to his GP about possible sleep apnoea. If he is snoring this loudly there is a problem.

It is dangerous to ignore this problem as they can stop breathing many times a night which makes them very tired and sleepy throughout the day.

I would be encouraging him to seek medical advice.

Money_maker

jakem wrote: »

Juliff, thankyou also for your words
I hope everything goes okay with you, I have a feeling that you are or have experienced similar, so I hope it all works out.:)

Yes, Juliff is going through similar and is one gutsy lady - check out her thread on this board for inspiration and advice.

paulrn_2

Couldn't read and run, Many men have a relationship like this do as they please, seperate rooms etc, only normally its when they live with Mum!!! Bin him find a man, good luck

Pee

Speak to a solicitor. Find out what your financial position will be and then decide either that you are better off without him in which case you can stay and maybe come to some arrangement about his lifestyle, unlikely as he has always behaved like this, so expecting him to change is fairly unreasonable.

Or, much more likely, you can decide you are better off without him and can move on with your own life.

Don't assume that you know what the financial position will be. Check it out and think carefully as to what you want.

It doesn't sound to me like much of a marriage.

Mrs_Imp

jakem wrote: »

Deep down I knew I had to do something, and I have been wanting for ages to come on here and write this to get your opinions, hoping you would say that I need to get out of this marriage etc.
You have confirmed what I already know, that I need to sort this out once and for all, and I thankyou all from the bottom of my heart.:)

No. It must be your decision. No-one else should ever tell you to get out of a marriage, as it could lead to resentment and blame. All people should ever do is give helpful advice to enable YOU make the decision.

ninky_2

jakem it sounds like you are very lonely and miserable at the moment. so sorry to hear that you are in pain.

however, i think you have to look very carefully at why you have chosen and continue to stay in this relationship. it seems that you find it easier to play the victim role in your relationship than take responsiblity for your life (and perhaps your own failings). i'm sorry if this sounds harsh but until you accept the fact that you really do have a choice in life - you can marry someone or not, you can stay or not etc. then you won't begin to build the valuable self esteem that will let you become your own person.

you need to look at why you are in this situation. you chose to marry this man, no one forced you. yes, perhaps you can find reasons (previous abusive husband), but if you look back now you can see they were not good ones. you need to accept you made this choice, it was probably a mistake, forgive yourself and move on.

this man is not going to change and it is not a failure to accept this it is a strength.

the only person you can really change is yourself. i suggest you maybe go to relate and get some help with your feelings about moving out from this relationship. then think about the practicalities. imagine a life for yourself that you are able to create yourself - i.e. not with a mythical man on a white charger that will come and rescue you from it all.

then once you have created this life you can start to think about who you might be happy to share it with.

all the best.

pusscat

If you think it is worth one last ditch attempt at saving then maybe you could carry the splitting things 50/50 to it's logical conclusion. Tell him unless he follows this plan you will file for a divorce (AND MEAN IT!!!)

Draw up a rota of all the household chores, washing up, ironing, cleaning, changing the beds, gardening, laying the table, cooking, etc.

Split the chores 50/50 and tell him to do half. Make sure his half is somehting that he can't just skip over (like dusting) and that it is obvious if it has been done (like changing the bed sheets).

Both of you mark down when a chore has been done - include marking each others chores (to make sure he does not cheat).

If he wants to get a takeaway instead of cooking then he pays for it. If he does not want to do the cleaning then he pays for the cleaner or pays for an ironing service.

This may get over to him how much you do and may shake him out of his comatose state.

This depends on whether you think he is worth it or not. If he was helpful and shared chores when you first married then he may just have got complacent and lazy - this may shake him up. If he has always been a lazy slob then he won't change.

Puss
xx

jakem_2

Errata, with the ill comments, yes I have been ill, not ill ill, but bad back trouble, yes, I didnt get the support.

Moneymaker, yes, I read all juliffs thread, I started last night, and read some this morning, then read some more, it should be made into a sticky, I salute her, she has gone through hell.

Paulrn, yes it is sad the seperate rooms, I think I tried to kid myself it was because of the snoring, saying that, the snoring wasnt as bad as it is now, and this is also to Carefullycautious, he knows about the snoring, I have begged him to go to doctors, that they might send him to a ear,nose and throat specialist, but he done nothing, and if you read some of my previous posts, I am concerned for his health, as he does nothing physical, he is piling on the weight, he take high blood pressure tabs, he smokes, and has an awful smokers cough which rips right through him, I have offerd to go with him, but he just cannot do anything.
he does not want to give up smoking or his pints, he does not walk, he has to drive everywhere, ( I walk), I have offered him to go Salsa dancing with me, he just laughs, so I have given up.

Pee, thankyou to you also for hitting the nail, he wont change, deep down I was hoping he would but I now realise he wont.

Mrs Imp, again I have written it wrong like I did in a previous post, I am furiously typing trying to get it all down, but somewhere along the lines it comes wrong or I havent explained myself properly.
I think what I meant was, that I read on hear a hella of lot worse than I am going through, and a part of me thought, Someone will say, 'there is people worse off than you, wots your problem' or along those lines, as when I have read awful stories I think in one way I am very lucky.
But emotianally its destroying me, I hate weekends, I dread easter/christmas/valentines day/mothers day.

Ninky, you have every right to say what you think, I asked for opinions whether positive or negative, as we all dont think the same.
I chose to marry him, but again I will say, he wasnt like this, its only got really worse over the last 3 years,and not all partners are the same people when you first court them, some lets the mask slip and you see thier tru colours, so I am not accepting that comment, I was a happy go lucky person, always laughing and joking, I am not that now, so I am a different person also, but i really thank you and everyone for the input.:)


I am thinking more now, christ! is this it for the rest of my life,me being a grass widow every weekend, and after work, him not lifting a finger, sleeping in seperate bedrooms, me hoping he will put his hand in his pocket and say hers a couple of bob love, I know you have been off work for 6 weeks.

Just want to say I am not playing the victim role, yes I am very down, and feeling like some old mrs mop, I am unhappy, like thousands of others, this why its great to come here and talk.
I will sort this out, I have started making enquiries, and I know I will get loads of help, advice, links etc on here.

I found out the other week how much he draws out for spends, he only works 20 mins away, so he buys his fags, his beer, his petrol, he doesnt actually go out at night, cause he has his social time from 12-5-6pm,ever weekend or from 3ish every afternoon till he gets in, so he just lies on the sofa.
What he has as spends I am lucky some weeks to earn

I know I have let it go on too long, and if I am being honest, I thought at first when I was starting to get resentful, that its me, I expect too much, I am making it worse than it looks, but I have stepped back and looked, and I know its not me, he is living the life as a lodger, or single man, and yes, its got to be that changes, and I will.

paddy's_mum

Sometimes the trouble is that hope gets in the way of clear sightedness.