Marriage Woes

eklynne

Have to agree with most who have posted. Start the ball rolling and leave. No point wasting time trying to change him, when that time could be used finding someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Be grateful you have no kids (that's what holds most women back) and start living your life.
Life's too short.
Good luck.

daska

Errata wrote: »

I guess the plain fact is that he won't change until you do. You do everything, so he doesn't need to. TBH you'd get more respect from a lodger.
If you're not earning, stop paying the bills. The penny will drop when there's no food on the table and the gas and electricity have been cut off, but probably not before.

Exactly. You've already pointed out to him that he's not once asked whether you're OK for money having been out of work for so long, so if he ignored that sledgehammer hint then yes, stop paying the bills and as soon as you get back from holiday you only buy food for yourself.

I'd also search out as much paperwork as you can before you go on holiday and keep it in a safe place away from your home. Don't worry about what it all means or whether it's relevant, just take copies of whatever you can get your hands on, you can sit and examine it at your leisure while you're on holiday.

jakem_2

Thankyou all again for all your support, I wish I could answer you all individually, as you have posted very good comments.

I would like to address sailorsams comment, with regards was he always like this, and perhaps did I jump in.
No he wasnt like this, when we were courting he could,nt do enough for me, he still had his social time, but he still spent time with me, but as time gone on he has settled into his singleman routine.
I was on my own for approx 10 years after my first divorce, I never had a live in boyfriend, I had dates, but no partner staying with me.
My children were younger, and didnt want them to have any more upset in thier lives, they had enough with thier father, OH no1, and I vowed I would wait till they were old enough and had lives of thier own, which I did.
I could have had a live in boyfriend, but I wouldnt, so of course when I was courting OH no2, I had already been on my own managing as a single mother, and fell in love with him, and was ready to take the plunge again.

You all have been great support, and like I said I knew what I had to do, but as I only have my friend to talk too, I wanted other views, and I got them, and for that I am very thankful.

I am reading up as best as I can about quicki divorces ( if there any), and I need to go to the County court and get some papers, I think I can just walk in and get them?

jakem_2

nje24 wrote: »

I wouldnt go for a divorce.Id just move out very soon.

I have to comment on your post, I will never move out of my home, this is my home and was my kids home, not the first OH, as I left him with nothing but 2 kids and 2 suitcases, and had to go for housing, so I am not going to lose another home, I cant.:(
I was a council tenent for years, then when we got married we both bought the house.
OH has another house, actually it was his family house, council, only his father lived in it, as the kids grew up and had homes and families of thier own.
OH got the mortgage on the dads home with him and dad on the mortgage, but oh pays the mortgage, tbh, the mortgage is peanuts, so OH still has a home to go to, I dont, I have this one, and he will have to fight me for this one lol.

I dont think he will play dirty, (who knows what he will do when the sh*t hits the fan), but if he plays the game with me, then I will play the game with him, ie, I keep this house, I will make no claims on his other house, or his savings, or even his big f&ck off pension he will get.

belfastgirl23

I just wanted to say though that you need to take some responsiblity for this situation. For example the financial decisions, you TOLD him that this is how you wanted it - he is now honouring your request - it really doesn't feel fair to me to blame him for that.

I know what you're saying, that you have tried to talk to him over the years, but when I look at the kinds of things you're posting, they all sound sort of like nagging, not like they're really important. And the fact that you're still there and still doing the same old things means that what he is understanding is that he just has to cope with the nagging and then things will go back to normal.

he actually doesn't sound like a terribly bad man to me, just selfish. However the bit I'm not getting is does he still want to be with you. In your shoes, I'd sit him down and very calmly tell him what EXACTLY you expect of him. Not a sort of random 'you never/you always' whinge where he can let it go in one ear and out the other but a specific 'I'm unhappy and I would like us to...go out one night a week together/spend Saturday together' or whatever. My experience with men is that they need very specific instruction.

Then the question is does he follow through. You need to be clear what the consequences will be if he doesn't. You are unhappy and you aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving. He needs to understand things are this serious. If he chooses not to work with you to save it then I guess that tells you everything you need to know.

I actually don't think your feelings for him are dead - I think it's embers rather than flames but embers can be rekindled (or extinguished) if you choose to do so...

jakem_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I just wanted to say though that you need to take some responsiblity for this situation. For example the financial decisions, you TOLD him that this is how you wanted it - he is now honouring your request - it really doesn't feel fair to me to blame him for that. Yes I agree, as I thought I was being fair, but fastforward 11 years, and he knows I dont spend a penny on myself, I dont have hairdo's nails, every penny I have I contribute to the home,when I work I work and still come home and do everything, I dont have a penny for spends, when I have lean times, like now how does he expect me to pay my whack, when he earns at least 3 times more than me. I made him lovely dinners, I do all the maintenence in the house, I clean windows as well as the usual chores, the only thing I cant and dont do is mow the lawn, I clean the moss out of the patio, and my patio is big, I do all cleaning of the block paving at the front, I do all the trimming of trees and hedges as well as grow vegtables,so I think the least he can do is offer me some money towards the home in my lean times, jhe has enough to spend on himself.

I know what you're saying, that you have tried to talk to him over the years, but when I look at the kinds of things you're posting, they all sound sort of like nagging, not like they're really important. And the fact that you're still there and still doing the same old things means that what he is understanding is that he just has to cope with the nagging and then things will go back to normal. I agree it is nagging now, its shee bl**dy frustation, wheras before I would be nice and pleasant, even after asking him 10 times, we are talking about a man that when I done my back in last year and could only walk bent over, sat and watched me try and cook the dinner, he never lifted a finger to help, in the end I had to go to hospital

he actually doesn't sound like a terribly bad man to me, just selfish. However the bit I'm not getting is does he still want to be with you. In your shoes, I'd sit him down and very calmly tell him what EXACTLY you expect of him. Not a sort of random 'you never/you always' whinge where he can let it go in one ear and out the other but a specific 'I'm unhappy and I would like us to...go out one night a week together/spend Saturday together' or whatever. My experience with men is that they need very specific instruction. I have never said he is bad, just so selfish, and I have sat him down loads of times, I have sobbed, broken my heart to get him to listen, and he will never give up his saturday or sunday afternoons afternoons.

Then the question is does he follow through. You need to be clear what the consequences will be if he doesn't. You are unhappy and you aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving. He needs to understand things are this serious. If he chooses not to work with you to save it then I guess that tells you everything you need to know. Oh god, I wish he would follow through even just once, he knows I am unhappy, he knows after last time when we split up for a bit I said this has got to work this time, as if we cant make it work, then there is only divorce left, this is why now, 6 months on I am going for a divorce, as there is no hope.

I actually don't think your feelings for him are dead - I think it's embers rather than flames but embers can be rekindled (or extinguished) if you choose to do so...

I dont wish him any harm, I want to remain on good terms, and I hope he will meet someone who perhaps can accept him the way he is, if he cant change even a little bit, then how can I accept things they way they are


Thankyou for your comments and I can see what your trying to say, and I appreciate your honesty, but you would have to live with him to really understand.
I am not perfect by all means, but everything he is not, I am, I just feel he is a very cold man, has no empithy, has no soul, and this is becoming more and more obvious as time goes on.

I could sit and watch for example the news showing the haiti aftermath, where you see the kids scrabbling in the street for a bit of food, I am sitting there crying and going 'oh those poor kids', he comes out, 'well if they didnt breed like eeffing rabbits they wouldnt be in this position' 'get thier goverment to sort it out' he has to be nasty with any third world country, 'its thier fault' etc etc, I sit there and say you hard so and so, how can you say these things, then he laughs, that what I mean, he has no soul, no feeling, and no heart.
I have only noticed this side of him in the last 12 months or so, or maybe my eyes were shut till then, I dont know.

thanks again for your input.

julliff

jakem

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

Only you are living this, and you know what the reality is. If you feel like you have done everything you can to make it work, and nothing is changing, then you can make your decision with your head held high.

Goodl luck, I do know how you feel.

Trazy

RUN
Get the hell out of there, you will be much happier on your own:D

littlemissmoney

He is in a different bedroom but you wake him up 3 times a night to stop him snoring?! :eek: No wonder he is grumpy!

You only get one life. If you will be happier without him then leave.

jakem_2

littlemissmoney wrote: »

He is in a different bedroom but you wake him up 3 times a night to stop him snoring?! :eek: No wonder he is grumpy!

You only get one life. If you will be happier without him then leave.

Lol, he is not asleep in the bedroom, he falls asleep downstairs anytime between 7.15 and 9.00 withouit fail, and thats him watching his own programs, as I cant get near the TV, hence I am upstairs watching TV in the bedroom, I am the one that cannot sleep because of his snoring, which comes through 2 closed doors, a full flights of stairs and 2 TVs on, it should be no wonder I am grumpy.
Imagine a train going full speed thru a tunnel, well thats him,. infact I recorded him on my mobile, bearing in mind I am at the top of the stairs, with a closed door and a TV on, and it still was very loud.


thankyou trazy, I know I will be happier, as this sort of relationship is not normal, I am one of the lucky ones in a way, I havent got any children at home and I know its worse for women who have, (memories of H no1)as they are stuck worse than me.

Juliff, thankyou also for your words, and your right, I am the one living it, and writing it down and experiencing it first hand is so different, and I know lots of posters on here know exactly what I am getting at.
I just feel now that if I dont make the move now, I will be like this for the rest of my life, as tbh I am no young thing either, I am of very mature years lol, and it will be a big step for me at my age.
I hope everything goes okay with you, I have a feeling that you are or have experienced similar, so I hope it all works out.:)

Again thanks to everyone for all your thoughts and coments.:)