Marriage Woes

paddy's_mum

Get photocopies of those financial papers you saw - you may need them to prove his income if he plays the poor man in a subsequent divorce.

Living without respect is soul destroying but it does sound as though it's not any active dislike of you that is at the root of all these problems. Rather that he is totally lazy in every area and aspect of his life, including thinking about the possible outcomes of his carelessness.

Why are so many men so idle when with just a little bit of forethought and awareness, life could just bimble along perfectly placidly? I'm of the view that benign neglect destroys as many relationships as any of the big matrimonial crimes!

Lotus-eater

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Why are so many men so idle when with just a little bit of forethought and awareness, life could just bimble along perfectly placidly? I'm of the view that benign neglect destroys as many relationships as any of the big matrimonial crimes!

I really think it's built in to men. I honestly do.
It just comes so naturally to so many of us.

I could probably have said "guilty" to some of the things listed by the OH. Although not so extreme.

BitterAndTwisted

He's in denial and he's being passive-aggressive while he's at it. On top of being a selfish and lazy sod who just wants what he wants and b*gger anyone else. So corrosive to the soul.

Lady, start putting your plans into action. Get your hands on any important paper-work while you still have the opportunity and do not discuss any of this with him until you have done so. You need to protect yourself and your future as best you can

jakem_2

I will get the ball rolling, I have made some initial enquiries.

My friend who I have known for 25 years sees all this, and she has gone and booked a little cheapo holiday for me and her, OH is okay with this, as he has always let me do my own thing if I wanted too, plus I know him so well, that he will have two weeks of him doing exactly what he always does without me having goes at him.
When I come back from this holiday I will start the ball rolling, I am not going yet for a week or so, I dont want to start anything yet incase he gets wind of it while I am not here, and starts emtying the house, am not saying he would, but I want to be here in the house when I hand him the papers.
By the time I come back I will be fighting fit lol.

Any...., I read back that bit of post I wrote, and it did come across as if I was apologising, I wasnt intentionally apologising with the BUT, I sort of meant I had to divorce him anyway as he would never change, as he would always hit me, so I was trying to make a point in a way the no2 will never change so the option left to me is to get rid and go it alone.

As it happened, hubby no1 who had the affair with my ex-friend, they married, went on to have a child, and guess what! he battered her, and had an affair with her best friend, actually I got out of the marriage in good time,and here to tell the tale, unfortunately for her (ex friend) she wasnt as lucky as me, but thats another story.
So they never change do they, maybe the odd will, but when they become a creature of habit, you know they will never change.

jakem_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Get photocopies of those financial papers you saw - you may need them to prove his income if he plays the poor man in a subsequent divorce.

Living without respect is soul destroying but it does sound as though it's not any active dislike of you that is at the root of all these problems. Rather that he is totally lazy in every area and aspect of his life, including thinking about the possible outcomes of his carelessness.

Why are so many men so idle when with just a little bit of forethought and awareness, life could just bimble along perfectly placidly? I'm of the view that benign neglect destroys as many relationships as any of the big matrimonial crimes!

You are so right PM, and I hate repeating myself as I keep saying, 'I have talked to him' but I have, I have said simialr, in a nice calm way, I have said things like, 'if you would only think, as you know this gets to me the lazy and selfish side of you, and I get upset or go into one, if you could only say to yourself, I know this winds up J, so I wont do it, but you do it again and again'
In the past I have said, 'if you did a bit more in the house, or didnt go out as much every weekend, then I would feel warmer to you, but by you doing this, you are pushing me away and making me dislike you', now I cant be any more direct can I, so a normal person would probabally take it in after the 2 or 3rd time I say it, oh no not he, I have said it time and time again.

Nothing sinks in, he just goes on doing his same routine with the same selfish attitude.

Funny you should say about photo copies, as when I saw the wage slip last year, I did take a photo copy of it then, so obviously something was niggling in the back of my brain to make me do this.

Zazen999

jakem wrote: »

I will get the ball rolling, I have made some initial enquiries...

So they never change do they, maybe the odd will, but when they become a creature of habit, you know they will never change.

Good! Take the holiday and make lots of to-do lists.

Hopefully you will meet someone eventually whose habits you DO like, and you don't want them to change. Like doing the washing up, ironing, hoovering [like mine].....they are out there

*Louise*

Have you posted about this before? I got a weird sense I had read about this already.....

As I see it you have 2 choices - sort it or get out.

You say you have spoken to him...we all know that when you speak to some people it can go in one ear and out the other...I would resort to writing it down. Not only will you have everything straight and explained (without being cut off) but you wont forget anything either.

However - when you write down the problems, write what you would like as a solution. Nothing worse than finding your other half has issues but not knowing what they want done about them. Perhaps you could compromise, he cuts down to 2 nights at the pub, and one night you go out together,(just an example)

Also make him aware that he can't just keep bimbling along showing no respect or regard for you - outline the consequences.

After that, if he still shows no sign of even caring - I would get on to a solicitor
(And if he has a list explaining everything...he shouldn't be surprised if you divorce him!)

SailorSam

Has your OH always been like this ?
Looking back do you think after your first violent marriage you jumped feet first into something that you just felt safe in, and hoped this one would change.

Errata

I guess the plain fact is that he won't change until you do. You do everything, so he doesn't need to. TBH you'd get more respect from a lodger.
If you're not earning, stop paying the bills. The penny will drop when there's no food on the table and the gas and electricity have been cut off, but probably not before.

moneysavermum_2

I wouldnt go for a divorce.Id just move out very soon.