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Marriage Woes
jakem_2
Posts: 201 Forumite
Hi Everyone, I need some thoughts and advice as, I am contemplating a divorce as I don’t think I can last much longer in this situation.
I have been married 11 years, 2nd marriage for me, no kids, so just us both at home.
He works in an office, and finishes approx 3.30, he starts at 7.am, 4 out of 5 days he goes to the pub after work, he has always done it, also every Sat and Sunday about 12 noon he goes to the pub.
Its like a ritual, he only has a couple of pints, and cokes, he’s there till about 5pm when he comes home where he lie on the sofa and does nothing.
In the summer at weekends he will mow the lawn, but he will be the garden about 30 mins of his time, and woe betide it goes over 11.30, as he has to go to the pub.
Sometimes we will go to the usual garden centre or a market, but he has to be back for the pub, I can count on one hand the times he has given me a whole day.
He is very lazy, he will sit on the sofa and not move till its time to go to the pub at W/E, he might once every 2 months flick a duster round, but I do literally everything.
I work, but work for myself, sometimes I can work for 3 months at a time, then I could be off for a few weeks like now, as work is slack, I have a physical job and on my feet all the time, I come home and do dinner, he does wash up the odd time, but I do everything in the house and garden including weeding, planting, cleaning the block paving, and patio.
He takes control of the TV, he will sit and watch his stuff, then I can get the remote when he goes to the pub, in the evenings I cant watch what I want, so I go upstairs on the PC or watch TV in bedroom.
He is very tight with money, we don’t have a joint account, as me thinking I was being straight and honest, or maybe I was bl**dy naive said before we get married that because sometimes I am not working I don’t think its fair we have a joint account especially if I am not putting money into it, and didn’t want to be one of those women who don’t contribute but max out credit cards.
So we agreed that he pays mortgage which is approx £ 550 pm ( in both our names) and council tax, and his Sky TV, I will pay the bills, Gas, elect water, my internet connection, TV license shopping etc.
If we need any small bits, like towels, sheets, curtains new kettles I get them, if we have any work done in house, ie tiling, new stair carpet we go half, which is okay if I am earning the wedge he is earning but I am not, even if I work a full week or month I don’t earn anything near what he earns.
He has never told me what he earns, or what bonuses, and raises he gets, it was only by accident I saw last October his take home pay, and I nearly died of shock as it is quite a substantial sum.
We have no debts except the mortgage, no CC debt or loans.
When we go on holiday I pay my half, and I mean my half, even half of the car parking, insurance, as well as half of the holiday cost, its like we’re flatmates in every sense of the word.
I have been off work for about 6 weeks now, and not once has he asked how am I coping for money, or am I managing to pay the bills, or have I enough for shopping, I cannot ask him as I feel I shouldn’t have to.
I feel there is no us, we never do anything as it will interfere with his time for the pub, its like he is in a cocoon and its all about him, he’s alright Jack, s*d me.
We have separate rooms, as he snores so badly, also we havent made love for some months now, as I don’t feel ‘warm’ to him, as him being the way he is puts me off him. he falls asleep every evening on the sofa downstairs about 9pm, I am upstairs watching TV or on the PC, I can hear him through the closed sitting room door, and the bedroom door is closed, I have my TV on, and he has the front room TV on, and yet I can still hear him, if I am lucky I fall asleep first and don’t hear him, but when he starts snoring I cannot get to sleep as I have to wake him up to stop snoring, so I have to get out of bed and tell him, and this can be 3 times a night, so my sleep is broken, and I am so tired and stressed.
Believe me when I say I have tried so hard to talk to him about everything I have mentioned, I have cried, I have spoken quietly, I have screamed, I have given him ultimatems, we split up for a few weeks last year again over everything I have just written, he promised he would do more, he promised he wouldn’t be so selfish, for a week he was good, but he has gone back to the way he has always been.
I’v put off divorce as it’s the final nail in the coffin, thinking maybe he’ll change, I’l try a different tact, maybe its me, maybe I expect too much, maybe I am being unreasonable, all these things are in my head, but part of me is saying he wont change,he’s been like for 11 years, admittedly he wasn’t as bad, but the last few years he has got worse.
I feel that we are two housemates, or I am the cleaner,the dogsbody, I feel bl**dy worthless, and is this my life now for the next 5,10, 20 years.
I am so down, my outgoing personality has vanished, I am going around as miserable as sin, as I am so unhappy.
In all honesty, he is carrying on as usual, he cannot see how I feel, he does not see he is lazy or selfish and tight, like I said, he has his life the way he wants it and he’s alright jack.
Am I being unreasonable?, am I expecting too much?, do I accept it as my lot?, or do I get the hell out of it?
I will welcome any comments whether positive or negative, I feel better a little bit just written this down.
Apologies for the long post.
I have been married 11 years, 2nd marriage for me, no kids, so just us both at home.
He works in an office, and finishes approx 3.30, he starts at 7.am, 4 out of 5 days he goes to the pub after work, he has always done it, also every Sat and Sunday about 12 noon he goes to the pub.
Its like a ritual, he only has a couple of pints, and cokes, he’s there till about 5pm when he comes home where he lie on the sofa and does nothing.
In the summer at weekends he will mow the lawn, but he will be the garden about 30 mins of his time, and woe betide it goes over 11.30, as he has to go to the pub.
Sometimes we will go to the usual garden centre or a market, but he has to be back for the pub, I can count on one hand the times he has given me a whole day.
He is very lazy, he will sit on the sofa and not move till its time to go to the pub at W/E, he might once every 2 months flick a duster round, but I do literally everything.
I work, but work for myself, sometimes I can work for 3 months at a time, then I could be off for a few weeks like now, as work is slack, I have a physical job and on my feet all the time, I come home and do dinner, he does wash up the odd time, but I do everything in the house and garden including weeding, planting, cleaning the block paving, and patio.
He takes control of the TV, he will sit and watch his stuff, then I can get the remote when he goes to the pub, in the evenings I cant watch what I want, so I go upstairs on the PC or watch TV in bedroom.
He is very tight with money, we don’t have a joint account, as me thinking I was being straight and honest, or maybe I was bl**dy naive said before we get married that because sometimes I am not working I don’t think its fair we have a joint account especially if I am not putting money into it, and didn’t want to be one of those women who don’t contribute but max out credit cards.
So we agreed that he pays mortgage which is approx £ 550 pm ( in both our names) and council tax, and his Sky TV, I will pay the bills, Gas, elect water, my internet connection, TV license shopping etc.
If we need any small bits, like towels, sheets, curtains new kettles I get them, if we have any work done in house, ie tiling, new stair carpet we go half, which is okay if I am earning the wedge he is earning but I am not, even if I work a full week or month I don’t earn anything near what he earns.
He has never told me what he earns, or what bonuses, and raises he gets, it was only by accident I saw last October his take home pay, and I nearly died of shock as it is quite a substantial sum.
We have no debts except the mortgage, no CC debt or loans.
When we go on holiday I pay my half, and I mean my half, even half of the car parking, insurance, as well as half of the holiday cost, its like we’re flatmates in every sense of the word.
I have been off work for about 6 weeks now, and not once has he asked how am I coping for money, or am I managing to pay the bills, or have I enough for shopping, I cannot ask him as I feel I shouldn’t have to.
I feel there is no us, we never do anything as it will interfere with his time for the pub, its like he is in a cocoon and its all about him, he’s alright Jack, s*d me.
We have separate rooms, as he snores so badly, also we havent made love for some months now, as I don’t feel ‘warm’ to him, as him being the way he is puts me off him. he falls asleep every evening on the sofa downstairs about 9pm, I am upstairs watching TV or on the PC, I can hear him through the closed sitting room door, and the bedroom door is closed, I have my TV on, and he has the front room TV on, and yet I can still hear him, if I am lucky I fall asleep first and don’t hear him, but when he starts snoring I cannot get to sleep as I have to wake him up to stop snoring, so I have to get out of bed and tell him, and this can be 3 times a night, so my sleep is broken, and I am so tired and stressed.
Believe me when I say I have tried so hard to talk to him about everything I have mentioned, I have cried, I have spoken quietly, I have screamed, I have given him ultimatems, we split up for a few weeks last year again over everything I have just written, he promised he would do more, he promised he wouldn’t be so selfish, for a week he was good, but he has gone back to the way he has always been.
I’v put off divorce as it’s the final nail in the coffin, thinking maybe he’ll change, I’l try a different tact, maybe its me, maybe I expect too much, maybe I am being unreasonable, all these things are in my head, but part of me is saying he wont change,he’s been like for 11 years, admittedly he wasn’t as bad, but the last few years he has got worse.
I feel that we are two housemates, or I am the cleaner,the dogsbody, I feel bl**dy worthless, and is this my life now for the next 5,10, 20 years.
I am so down, my outgoing personality has vanished, I am going around as miserable as sin, as I am so unhappy.
In all honesty, he is carrying on as usual, he cannot see how I feel, he does not see he is lazy or selfish and tight, like I said, he has his life the way he wants it and he’s alright jack.
Am I being unreasonable?, am I expecting too much?, do I accept it as my lot?, or do I get the hell out of it?
I will welcome any comments whether positive or negative, I feel better a little bit just written this down.
Apologies for the long post.
0
Comments
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Why on earth are you still there?Herman - MP for all!
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you deserve better!!!0
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How much would he have to change for you to be happy? really happy, not just acceptable happy.
Because I can't see any way in which you will be totally happy, so you can drag it on for a few years, or you can get on with life as you want to live it.Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.0 -
Oh honey, it certainly sounds as if you'd be happier on your own. You can be very lonely in an unsatisfactory marriage, I know!
If you've tried everything you can think of to get your OH to show that he cares, then you need to save yourself from further mental cruelty and get out while you have the energy to do so.
xx0 -
I know you feel you shouldn't have to ask him for money but why don't you? Maybe he thinks you're fine with everything. Do you still love him? If so try to fight for the relationship. Go to the doctors about his snoring and start to sleep in the same bed again. Get a joint account together and see how he is with that.
If you don't want to stay with him and you don't love him anymore, then issue the divorce papers and get on with your life.What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine..0 -
Thankyou so much for your quick replys, yes you ask, why am I still here, and in all honesty I ask myself the same, I know what I need to do, but I wanted to run it by you all, its hard to explain why I am still here, but I'll try.
Like I said he is my 2nd husband, husband no1 was the brutal type, battered the hell out of me, terrorised me, and had affair with my sister and my ex friend, and others, but wasnt a lazy man, and infact took care of me financially wise , but I had to divorce as he was litterally killing me.
Fastforward to number 2, he would not hit me in a million years, thinking on it now, he would have to move off the flippen sofa to do that, and he might strain something.;)
he has and would never have an affair, again, probabally too lazy to do that either.
But now I have a man who is selfish, lazy, and obviously doesnt care about his marriage, he says he cares, but makes no effort to change.
In fact when I have said all these things to him, and I swear to you I have said upteen times, he actually cannot see what is wrong.
So, part of me thinks I have failed again in a way with husband no 2, I know it wasnt my fault with no 1, but with no 2 I kept hoping things would change, 'I am over reacting, well count yourself lucky he doesnt hit you or have affairs'.
Thats what I was thinking, its only the last 12 months I have realised, hey, so what he dont hit me, or have affairs, I still need and deserve something better than I have got.
Deep down I knew I had to do something, and I have been wanting for ages to come on here and write this to get your opinions, hoping you would say that I need to get out of this marriage etc.
You have confirmed what I already know, that I need to sort this out once and for all, and I thankyou all from the bottom of my heart.:)
I just need now to get some info behind me with regards to how I stand re-house etc, and I know I will be back on asking questions about that, but that will came a bit later, as he hasnt a clue I am gathering info about divorce and where I stand etc.
I have been over the months selling things a) to generate some money, b) to get rid of some clothes and shoes etc, as I know that the house will have to be sold as I wouldnt be able to keep up the mortgage, so my sensable head is telling me, start clearing stuff out, start selling stuff, have also been getting rid of karp, nicnaks etc, boxing them up to sell at carboots, so I have been doing this knowing deep down the final outcome.
Again thanks for confirming what I need to know.:)0 -
Go see a solicitor hon, and get the ball rolling.0
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neneromanova wrote: »I know you feel you shouldn't have to ask him for money but why don't you? Maybe he thinks you're fine with everything. Do you still love him? If so try to fight for the relationship. Go to the doctors about his snoring and start to sleep in the same bed again. Get a joint account together and see how he is with that.
If you don't want to stay with him and you don't love him anymore, then issue the divorce papers and get on with your life.
I really appreciate what your saying, but with regards to the money I used to always say this to him, 'you never ask me if I am okay, or are you okay for money' and he always changes the subject.
No matter what I say he will never comment, if I say can you cut the grass for example, he always has an excuse, when I have tried talking to him in the past (many times) about this, he never answers, he just keeps watching the TV, or if he's standing up, he will walk away.
he does not think he is doing anything wrong, whenever I say, 'you dont do anything', he'l say, 'I washed up last week', .
He just switches off, honestly, he has everything the way he wants, and he does not want to hear anything that might interfere with his way of life.
As regards the love side, no, I dont love him anymore, he has killed it, I have also mentioned about the way he is behaving is killing my love for him, but again he does not want to hear.
I have tried talking, I have been honest, I have even told him that he is killing my feelings for me, so obviously he has no intentions of changing, so I am the one that has to change.
he couldnt even forgo his pub yesterday and take me out for a pub lunch as it was V day, off he went and came back at 5.30 ish, he was suprised there was no dinner.:D0 -
If you can't discuss this with him calmly and frankly and you can't go on living like flat-mates, which is what you appear to be doing, then the bull must be taken by the horns and steps taken to end this very unsatisfactory marriage. I was going to say "partnership" but it doesn't sound like one to me. His relationship with the pub and his drinking pals is obviously more important to him than you are.
For a start I think you should stop paying any bills right away and tell him that you just don't have the means to at the moment.0 -
Like I said he is my 2nd husband, husband no1 was the brutal type, battered the hell out of me, terrorised me, and had affair with my sister and my ex friend, and others, but wasnt a lazy man, and infact took care of me financially wise , but I had to divorce as he was litterally killing me.
This sounds like you are appologising - believe you me, once men hits you you need no explanation or appologise to anyone - you have done the right thing!!
Neither of those 2 marriages is your failing - it is them who has a problem, not you.
I can understand where you are coming from - what you are describing is like room mate relationship and everyone deserves better then that.0
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