Is my boyfriend too controlling?

Any

Liz3yy wrote: »

Sorry but that's a terrible thing to say. I left home at 25. My partner didn't leave home till he was 30, does that make him a bad person, no? things didn't work out in the end with this ex so he moved back home. 5 years later I come along, we date for 3 years then move in together.

My partner hasn't suffered from never living by himself, he is a generous, warm, funny, thoughtful man who knows how to look after himself and me. We each have a life and enjoy time together and apart.

You shouldn't assume that if a person doesn't move out by the time they are 21 they are sad.

Might not be everyone's opinion, but cannot see it being terrible thing to say.... I think you are taking it a bit too personally.

Any

OP - as one poster mentioned, you do not say how much do you feel for him.

If you do feel a lot I would suggest that first you rent somewhere together to try it out and see for yourself what things would be like if you were together 7 days out of 7.

The thing is, that he might be just frustrated - he might just be still madly in love and want to spend every minute with you - once you live together he might be fine with you going out with your friends etc.

Or it might be that he is a control freak, but in that case you just move out.

I have to say that you will need to discuss with him the area though... If someone asked me to move 30 miles away from my friends and family because of the cost, fair enough. BUT it might be just for his own convenience. I suggest you have a proper look at property prices etc and you see for yourself whether he is being selfish or whether he is being financialy sensible.

littlemissmoney

Nixer wrote: »

OP you posted a very long post about your boyfriend and I don't think I saw in it anywhere anything about your feelings for him, whether you love him or not. So I think what you didn't say spoke volumes.

Any wrote: »

OP - as one poster mentioned, you do not say how much do you feel for him.

See here...

lacoste1985 wrote: »

yet I love him to bits

lilmissmup

I was 18 when I met my ex, we split last July after 6.5yrs together and lived with him for 5 years, at the time it was the end of the world but I have now realised we had grown apart, even though I was the younger one I was the one who wanted the mortgage and kids but thank god we didn't I think now.

I am soooo much happier now than I was with him, he used to get moody when I went out with friends and was lazy and a stoner.

I am sort of seeing someone now though its hardly gonna lead to anything serious but has made me realise there are better men out there.

I think you need to end it hun!

Radiantsoul

I don't think he is that controlling. I can see why he wants you to quit the job so that he can spend more time with you, as that time is quite limited. I don't think he should stop you seeing friends, but equally you should want to spend time with him. It is a matter for negotiation between the two of you. As a guy in his 30s I used to like clubbing, but it is something that has less appeal. I still enjoy it, but I used to go a couple of times a week but no longer do! Perhaps your and his friends group could be more integrated.

To be honest though it sounds like you just have very different goals in life. He probably is quite happy to settle down to a life in the valleys with a house and spend his evening watching television with his kids. There is nothing wrong with this and you are being controlling as much as he is in trying to change this.

You seem to still want to live the life of going out, which is equally fine and he should not really be telling you not too.

To an extent it might be the case that he has moved on and you haven't. But equally in your early 20s you might not want to settle down. My guess is you posted this hoping that people would say he is too controlling and give you an excuse to leave. My guess is that the relationship is dying and perhaps you both need to accept this and work towards a decent split. I do kind of wonder if you might be happier being single for a bit, in that way you could go out more and experience different people.

maysmummy

FWIW

I'm with the 'yup, he's too controlling' camp. Reasons aplenty

• It's no-one's business but yours what time you come in at night. I've been married almost 20 yrs and wouldn't dream of telling DH what time to come in after a night out(rare, but they still do happen)
• It's no-one's business but yours whether you work at the Weekend or not. BF Newsflash- we all work for the money. I work Sun am and it's no big deal with OH.
• This is the 21st century. If he doesn't like talking on the phone he's the one with the problem. Even my 74 year old mum can manage that. I bet all the rest of your friends and family can, too.
• Missing a night out for fear of a row....now that is too far.

Lace up those trainers, girl and run like hell....

kettlefish

I think sometimes people mature at different rates. Although in this case, he appears the more mature and 'adult' one, by staying in and not going out clubbing etc, he is far less mature than you in that he isn't comfortable with himself and the relationship, while you sound trusting, sensible with money and level-headed. He feels cross when you leave him out of the minutiae - ie nights out - but he won't let you be involved in the big decisions - like where to live!! It sounds like this is something which has been ongoing for a while, and although he seems keen to move the relationship forward by getting a house together, he doesn't seem to be moving it forward emotionally; leaving you out of important decisions, and continuing not to trust you suggest to me that you have unfortunately grown apart. Whether this can be remedied by talking in depth so you're both singing from the same hymn sheet remains to be seen - but perhaps the relationship has sadly run its course.