Is my boyfriend too controlling?

Pee

Yeah. 11 on a week night is late. I'd tell my boyfriend you remember I'll be late tomorrow night, I am doing so and so, and then be back at 11. (I probably wouldn't be much later, or I'd never get up in the morning, but in theory I'd do the same if it was 3am and sometimes I will stay over somewhere else.)

If he doesn't think it is reasonable for yu to see your friends, my view is that you cannot accept this and should end the relationship.

From his point of view, I can understand him wanting a commitment and not liking clubs - I wouldn't be keen on that either - but either you don't do it, you do it on your own and he doesn't mind or you split up.

I think that if you won't move 30 miles for him, he is not the man for you. You say you feel 24 is too young to be commited, and to be honest you are probably right, although I didn't see that at the time.

Have a think about how you feel about splitting up. I think this sort of control and pressure gets worse when you live together and especially if you have children when you may be reliant on him for money.

I don't like my boyfriend working Saturdays. I appreciate our weekends together. Any chance the part time job is to avoid spending more time at his dad's in front of the tv?

Fire_Fox

tabsmagic wrote: »

really?
i am still on my first boyfriend- getting wed in june!

OP- get the hell out- life is too short to be treated any less than like a princess!!

That is why I said 'most' and not 'all'. Best of luck!

Souk08

Hon, read your own post for the answer to this.

I totally understand about not wanting to sit in every weekend watching tv, I don't either. If this is what he's like now do you honestly think it will get more exciting if you live together/get married/have kids etc? It wont. It can only get more and more restricitve and less and less fun.

Get out and have fun and a life while you're young X

Sunshine12

I think he sounds like a nice enough guy but as several others have said it sounds like you are in different places on your lives at the moment. I think you should have a proper talk with him and tell him how you feel, find out how he feels and, in time, it will all become clear as to whether its "meant to be".

Primrose

I think you may have answered your own question and are coming here for some reassurance that you gut feelings are right. You met six years ago when you were still quite young and I suspect that you've both grown up and changed over the years you've been together although perhaps you haven't quite realised how much until now because these growing and changing issues happen quite slowly over time. Your circumstances for meeting and spending time with each other don't appear to be ideal, with little privacy, but it seems that he has now decided what he wants and he expects you to conform.

You obviously don't feel ready to settle down and commit yet, and I suspect that this is because part of you is still unsure whether long term, you can make a go of things. You can love somebody to bits (as you say) but this doesn't necessarily meet you are compatible. You appear to be a more social person than he is, and you could find that if he's not socially confident he could gradually stifle you and unconciously you will give up all your friends simply because it's the easiest option to avoid continually arguments on the subject. Where will this leave you in the long term? Very isolated I would think.

The fact that you couldn't visualise being married to him and settled down with him in ten years time suggests to me that your brain is blocking off something which is uncomfortable for you to confront.

Maybe it's time for you to think hard about your relationship. Do you feel you are continually being manipulated to do things "his way"? Are your needs and desires being over-ridden by the way he wants to do things? Is what you do for a living, or your part-time job being marginalised by the way he feels about them? From from you say, it would appear that the answer in "Yes".
He is further down the road than you are in wanting to settle down. I feel it would be a mistake on your part to go against your current natural instincts. In time, when you are ready to settle down, you will know instinctively. I don't think you're there yet, and probably not with this person.

kaz0705

Hey,

Without sounding in anyway like an old woman but you remind me of me when i was a bit younger!

You've clearly got your head screwed on and are willing to stand up for yourself but it sounds like you're making concessions to keep the peace.

Now, there's nothing wrong with making compromises- I'm sure most people on here would agree that all relationships require compromise (as an aside, my boyfriend says the definition of a perfect compromise is both parties being dissatisfied!).

However, you appear to be making all the concessions- what compromises does he make for the relationship?

I stopped seeing my friends for nights out and things like that during my first relationship (met at 17, together for 5 years) and i missed a lot of nights out for friends birthdays and things because, well, i guess i wanted to see my boyfriend and I wanted him to know i wasn't interested in going out and meeting other people like a lot of my (single) friends.

However, now I'm in a different relationship. I can not *ever* imagine avoiding a night out or event because he might react badly; it just wouldn't happen. I work 9-5 and he works in a bar and is a musician so we can find that weeks go by where we don't see as much of each other as we'd like and we might have a whinge about it to each other but its only ever in the basis of "i miss you, i wish life wasn't getting in the way of us spending time together".

But we both accept life DOES get in the way; work, friends, family, events... And having a partner that accepts and understands this is crucial- especially if you have close female friends (i have 5 close ones that moved with me from home to London and another 5 or so that I regularly email or text- all at least 16 years worth of friendships)!

I guess my point is that having experienced two different relationships- one with the potential explosions, the lack of understanding about maintaining friendships and changing my life to fit in (willing, might i add- there's nothing in theory wrong with making changes to keep partners happy!) and now having one based on compromise, understanding and a willingness from *both* of us to make any changes that's best for *us*, i know where I'm happier.

A couple of questions i've since used in other relationships are:

Am i happy more than 50% of the time... Is it as much as 80%?

When I get married, will i be sitting listening to the speeches thinking "hmm, well, I'm happy except this, and that one thing happened but if we don't talk about it that's ok" (this was mostly when i returned to a boyfriend who cheated on me but i think its still relevant when you've got so much of your life head; can you do all you want to do? Will you be happy not doing it?)

Anyway, it'll all work out in the end as long as you keep looking out for yourself :-)

Best of luck,

Kaz
x

Lotus-eater

kaz0705 wrote: »

my boyfriend says the definition of a perfect compromise is both parties being dissatisfied!

I'm gonna take that, love it and tattoo it on..... well somewhere anyway.

Honestly I love it. He's a keeper

Liz3yy

neneromanova wrote: »

The thing that stood out most to me was that he is 29 and still living at home! I'm only 23 and couldn't imagine living at home with my parents. Even if it was just one. Ok it maybe cheap but the things you learn when you live on your own is amazing. I would say to you, leave him. He doesn't sound like much of a guy to be honest. Also look about renting somewhere. Maybe with one of your friends to halve costs but you will learn so much about yourself you will think, christ, what was I doing!!

Sorry but that's a terrible thing to say. I left home at 25. My partner didn't leave home till he was 30, does that make him a bad person, no? things didn't work out in the end with this ex so he moved back home. 5 years later I come along, we date for 3 years then move in together.

My partner hasn't suffered from never living by himself, he is a generous, warm, funny, thoughtful man who knows how to look after himself and me. We each have a life and enjoy time together and apart.

You shouldn't assume that if a person doesn't move out by the time they are 21 they are sad.

SouthernBellE*

Hi Hun,

Amazed at how many young girls contemplate bending what they want in life to suit their significant other.

My old Ma was right, youth is wasted on the young....Anyone else out there over a certain age I'm sure would agree with the saying 'if I knew back then what I know now".:rotfl:

The fact that you don't want the same things right now doesn't mean either one of you is right or wrong. To live your partners life is a waste of your own. Maybe sometimes it does work. More likely outcome is you'll resent the things you gave up & missed out on from your expectations & then put the blame & resentment on him.

You're a young lass enjoying life, You're 23, its allowed. HAVE FUN & FILL YA BOOTS! It's probably the only time you'll feel this free and independant.
I'd advise any girl who thinks her fellas controlling, He'll only control you if you let him. Never give up your friends....Fellas come & go...Friends are for life!;)
No crystal ball here so can't tell you whats round the corner. You already know the answer. If this felt right for you you'd have felt excited. People grow apart, if you don't want the same from the beginning, what chance has it got! We've all got somone in our past that we might think of as The One That Got Away, Doesn't mean the one we end up with is wrong.
We all choose our path. Just be sure you choose the one you want,don't be dragged kicking and screaming down his.
Enjoy ya life kid, hope it works out well for you. Advice is a good thing, old farts do sometimes know what we're talking about,Choice is yours alone.

Its the only time we'll be nice to you youngsters, hate the fact that you make us realise WE'VE BECOME OUR MOTHERS AFTER ALL:rotfl:

Nixer

OP you posted a very long post about your boyfriend and I don't think I saw in it anywhere anything about your feelings for him, whether you love him or not. So I think what you didn't say spoke volumes.

As to whether he is controlling, whether 11pm is late...well you're going to get loads of different answers. As he is a welder he may be physically tired by his job and not want to do a lot in the evening. As I've got older I have found that I don't want to go out on week nights as I fall asleep at work the next day - but I certainly wouldn't tell someone else not to.

I think you've probably made up your mind and are looking for reassurance.