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Is my boyfriend too controlling?
lacoste1985_2
Posts: 182 Forumite
Hi all
My problem may seem like a trivial one to many - I'm having relationship problems with my boyfriend of 6 years. It’s something that seems to have become a problem over the last 3 years but I've only started to think about things more as we've been bickering more recently.
I'm 24 (gonna be 25 in March) and my OH is 29. We both still live at home with parents - me with my mum, dad and brother and my OH with his dad. His mum and dad got divorced about 5 years ago so now his mum lives in West Wales along with his 2 sisters, 2 nieces and nephew. We met when I was 18 on a Saturday night in town whilst out clubbing. We live 30 miles away from eachother which may not sound like a lot but its caused major problems for us.
When we got together everything was great - we spent every weekend out clubbing or going to the cinema and saw eachother nearly every day. I didn’t think life could get any better - he didn’t insult me, we didn’t argue or fight. This lasted for about 6 months. I stopped going out clubbing with my friends when we got together as I didn’t think it was fair on my OH and didn’t want him to think I was out on the pull all the time like I used to be. We spent a lot of time going out with his best friend and his OH and some nights were spent with my friends.
When his sister moved to W Wales we weren't able to stay at her house anymore on a Sat night after going out clubbing so weekends started to be spent in front of the TV instead at his dad's. We stopped going out clubbing and doing something on a Sat night about 5 years ago - now every weekend is spent watching telly in the front room with his father there. We have the occasional night out...once every 3 - 4 months, on birthdays or if one of my OH's friends are going out and invite us but other than that we don’t normally bother. This has become one problem area - the fact that we are always cwtched up on the sofa with his father watching us on the other side of the room and don’t seem to have a life anymore. I've tried persuading him to go out more not just with me on the weekends, but with his mates, but normally he says he'd rather just stay in and that clubbing is for kids / singletons.
My OH is a welder (full time) and I'm an admin assistant (full time) working for the local LEA. I've also got a part time job as a sales assistant on a Saturday which I've had for the past 9 years. I've found that having an extra £100 a month is very handy especially when I need new clothes or am saving for something. Plus I get 2 pay days a month :j This is something that my OH has wanted me to quit many times because it means that I’m working 6 days a week – part time hrs are only 8:30 – 2:30. He calls this job a YTS (Youth Training Scheme) job and says that I should quit it so I can spend more time with him and keeps pointing out that I’ve had it since I was 16. So what I think? It’s all extra money at the end of the day. What does anyone else think?
He has always had a problem with me meeting up with my friends – this is what causes us to row the most I think. I travel up to see my OH on Thursday evenings after work and weekends. He travels down to me on Fridays. Our routine has always been pretty much the same since we met. The only free time I get to myself is Mon – Weds, which I normally use to relax at home / spend time with friends. My OH hasn’t got many friends, although he does see them from time to time when he’s not spending all his time sat in front of the computer on internet. I, on the other hand have tonnes of friends going back to primary school, high school and college. I have a close handful of about 5 that I often meet up with to go to the cinema or go for a meal. Some have got babies and its hard for us to go out so I tend to catch up with them by just popping round their houses for a cuppa tea.
I met up with a friend last week that I hadn’t seen since before xmas and had a meal. When I told my OH that I was going out and that I had to get off the phone to go and straighten my hair, he responded by saying ‘Okay then I’ll just go and put a shirt on then love and some aftershave and I’ll go out on the pull too!’. I thought how childish can you get…just because I was going out with a mate. Its not the first time he’s behaved like this when I’ve gone out with friends, at the same time though I can’t predict when he’s going to ‘go off on one’ and create an atmosphere as sometimes he’s genuinely ok with me going out and will ask how my evening went etc.
He says part of the reason why he gets so !!!!!! off about me meeting up with my friends all the time is because theres a 4 day gap in the week where we don’t see eachother, he says he doesn’t like talking on the phone all the time and would rather be talking to me face to face and that he’s at an age now where he wants to settle down and get a place together.
We discussed the possibility of getting a house together a couple of years ago and getting a mortgage but the problem was that we couldn’t decide on an area that we were both happy to start looking for houses in. My OH wanted me to move up the Valleys where he lives as he said that was all we were going to be able to afford mortgage wise. I earn £17,000 with my full time and part time job and my OH is on about £15,500 (all before tax). Not only were we not ready to get a place together (we were still arguing), I felt as though I was too young at 22 years of age and said I wasn’t prepared to move 30 miles away from work, my family and friends just to get on the property ladder. The OH wasn’t amused by this and said that if I wasn’t going to be ‘in’ with him from the start, then I couldn’t come into ‘it’ at all. Basically, he said he’d try to get a mortgage on his own and that I’d have to pay him rent to live there as his GF if it got accepted. He even tried persuading me to use money I had saved up for a new car for myself towards a house deposit. But again, my answer was no and I stuck by my guns. He wasn’t prepared to compromise in terms of where we could live – it was just, ‘houses up the valleys are cheaper, its all we can afford, you’re either in with me or you’re not’.
We split up shortly after all this went on, only for about a week but I think it taught him a lesson in terms of just expecting me to drop everything just so we could get a house together – the thing is I know my OH wouldn’t be able to get a big mortgage on his own. At times I think he sees being with me as a way of bridging the financial gap that he so desperately needs to get a house. I know it sounds bad but I cant help feeling this way.
Anyway I suppose the point of this huge post is to say what happened the following day after I met my friend for a meal last week. I travelled up my OH’s last Thursday and we had ‘one of those chats’ – where true feelings really come out. He told me that he thinks we’ve got different objectives, that we don’t click anymore like we used to, that from Mon – Weds its as though I’m leading a split life (when I see my friends) and that I’m not really his GF until we see eachother again on Thursdays! Brought up the fact that he hates speaking to me on the phone again and asked me the question ‘Where can you see yourself in 10 years time? What sort of a question is that? I’m only 24 for Gods sake…I replied by saying ‘I really don’t know…alive!’
He told me he wants to settle down but I cant imagine how we’d ever get on with eachother if we lived together if he’s got a problem with me seeing my friends from time to time now. And its not v often that I do see my friends…probably about 1 friend a week – 2 at the most.
I haven’t been on a girls night out for about a year for fear of sparking a row. I just don’t know what to do, I feel as though hes bringing me down in some areas yet I love him to bits. The fact that we’ve been together for 6 years must say something about us – may be we would be able to live together comfortably with compromises…I think I’m just living in a dream world though tbh, trying to convince myself that I can change him, trying to prove to my parents and friends that hes not an idiot…trying to control my life all the time telling me what I can and cant do.
I’m just confused…would be really happy for some advice…however big or small off anyone.
Sorry my post is so long, I’ve tried to sum up the way I’m feeling as best as I can but its hard.
Oh and maybe someone could start this up as a poll on here: Is coming home from a meal with a friend at 11pm on a week day evening classed as ‘coming in late’?
My OH seems to think it is.
My problem may seem like a trivial one to many - I'm having relationship problems with my boyfriend of 6 years. It’s something that seems to have become a problem over the last 3 years but I've only started to think about things more as we've been bickering more recently.
I'm 24 (gonna be 25 in March) and my OH is 29. We both still live at home with parents - me with my mum, dad and brother and my OH with his dad. His mum and dad got divorced about 5 years ago so now his mum lives in West Wales along with his 2 sisters, 2 nieces and nephew. We met when I was 18 on a Saturday night in town whilst out clubbing. We live 30 miles away from eachother which may not sound like a lot but its caused major problems for us.
When we got together everything was great - we spent every weekend out clubbing or going to the cinema and saw eachother nearly every day. I didn’t think life could get any better - he didn’t insult me, we didn’t argue or fight. This lasted for about 6 months. I stopped going out clubbing with my friends when we got together as I didn’t think it was fair on my OH and didn’t want him to think I was out on the pull all the time like I used to be. We spent a lot of time going out with his best friend and his OH and some nights were spent with my friends.
When his sister moved to W Wales we weren't able to stay at her house anymore on a Sat night after going out clubbing so weekends started to be spent in front of the TV instead at his dad's. We stopped going out clubbing and doing something on a Sat night about 5 years ago - now every weekend is spent watching telly in the front room with his father there. We have the occasional night out...once every 3 - 4 months, on birthdays or if one of my OH's friends are going out and invite us but other than that we don’t normally bother. This has become one problem area - the fact that we are always cwtched up on the sofa with his father watching us on the other side of the room and don’t seem to have a life anymore. I've tried persuading him to go out more not just with me on the weekends, but with his mates, but normally he says he'd rather just stay in and that clubbing is for kids / singletons.
My OH is a welder (full time) and I'm an admin assistant (full time) working for the local LEA. I've also got a part time job as a sales assistant on a Saturday which I've had for the past 9 years. I've found that having an extra £100 a month is very handy especially when I need new clothes or am saving for something. Plus I get 2 pay days a month :j This is something that my OH has wanted me to quit many times because it means that I’m working 6 days a week – part time hrs are only 8:30 – 2:30. He calls this job a YTS (Youth Training Scheme) job and says that I should quit it so I can spend more time with him and keeps pointing out that I’ve had it since I was 16. So what I think? It’s all extra money at the end of the day. What does anyone else think?
He has always had a problem with me meeting up with my friends – this is what causes us to row the most I think. I travel up to see my OH on Thursday evenings after work and weekends. He travels down to me on Fridays. Our routine has always been pretty much the same since we met. The only free time I get to myself is Mon – Weds, which I normally use to relax at home / spend time with friends. My OH hasn’t got many friends, although he does see them from time to time when he’s not spending all his time sat in front of the computer on internet. I, on the other hand have tonnes of friends going back to primary school, high school and college. I have a close handful of about 5 that I often meet up with to go to the cinema or go for a meal. Some have got babies and its hard for us to go out so I tend to catch up with them by just popping round their houses for a cuppa tea.
I met up with a friend last week that I hadn’t seen since before xmas and had a meal. When I told my OH that I was going out and that I had to get off the phone to go and straighten my hair, he responded by saying ‘Okay then I’ll just go and put a shirt on then love and some aftershave and I’ll go out on the pull too!’. I thought how childish can you get…just because I was going out with a mate. Its not the first time he’s behaved like this when I’ve gone out with friends, at the same time though I can’t predict when he’s going to ‘go off on one’ and create an atmosphere as sometimes he’s genuinely ok with me going out and will ask how my evening went etc.
He says part of the reason why he gets so !!!!!! off about me meeting up with my friends all the time is because theres a 4 day gap in the week where we don’t see eachother, he says he doesn’t like talking on the phone all the time and would rather be talking to me face to face and that he’s at an age now where he wants to settle down and get a place together.
We discussed the possibility of getting a house together a couple of years ago and getting a mortgage but the problem was that we couldn’t decide on an area that we were both happy to start looking for houses in. My OH wanted me to move up the Valleys where he lives as he said that was all we were going to be able to afford mortgage wise. I earn £17,000 with my full time and part time job and my OH is on about £15,500 (all before tax). Not only were we not ready to get a place together (we were still arguing), I felt as though I was too young at 22 years of age and said I wasn’t prepared to move 30 miles away from work, my family and friends just to get on the property ladder. The OH wasn’t amused by this and said that if I wasn’t going to be ‘in’ with him from the start, then I couldn’t come into ‘it’ at all. Basically, he said he’d try to get a mortgage on his own and that I’d have to pay him rent to live there as his GF if it got accepted. He even tried persuading me to use money I had saved up for a new car for myself towards a house deposit. But again, my answer was no and I stuck by my guns. He wasn’t prepared to compromise in terms of where we could live – it was just, ‘houses up the valleys are cheaper, its all we can afford, you’re either in with me or you’re not’.
We split up shortly after all this went on, only for about a week but I think it taught him a lesson in terms of just expecting me to drop everything just so we could get a house together – the thing is I know my OH wouldn’t be able to get a big mortgage on his own. At times I think he sees being with me as a way of bridging the financial gap that he so desperately needs to get a house. I know it sounds bad but I cant help feeling this way.
Anyway I suppose the point of this huge post is to say what happened the following day after I met my friend for a meal last week. I travelled up my OH’s last Thursday and we had ‘one of those chats’ – where true feelings really come out. He told me that he thinks we’ve got different objectives, that we don’t click anymore like we used to, that from Mon – Weds its as though I’m leading a split life (when I see my friends) and that I’m not really his GF until we see eachother again on Thursdays! Brought up the fact that he hates speaking to me on the phone again and asked me the question ‘Where can you see yourself in 10 years time? What sort of a question is that? I’m only 24 for Gods sake…I replied by saying ‘I really don’t know…alive!’
He told me he wants to settle down but I cant imagine how we’d ever get on with eachother if we lived together if he’s got a problem with me seeing my friends from time to time now. And its not v often that I do see my friends…probably about 1 friend a week – 2 at the most.
I haven’t been on a girls night out for about a year for fear of sparking a row. I just don’t know what to do, I feel as though hes bringing me down in some areas yet I love him to bits. The fact that we’ve been together for 6 years must say something about us – may be we would be able to live together comfortably with compromises…I think I’m just living in a dream world though tbh, trying to convince myself that I can change him, trying to prove to my parents and friends that hes not an idiot…trying to control my life all the time telling me what I can and cant do.
I’m just confused…would be really happy for some advice…however big or small off anyone.
Sorry my post is so long, I’ve tried to sum up the way I’m feeling as best as I can but its hard.
Oh and maybe someone could start this up as a poll on here: Is coming home from a meal with a friend at 11pm on a week day evening classed as ‘coming in late’?
My OH seems to think it is.
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Comments
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Yes that's too controlling, imo.
I had an ex that started by just moaning, ended up with my head getting slammed in the fridge and things thrown at me in front of the children
Escape now whilst you can.Mum of several with a twisted sense of humour and a laundry obsession:o
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OMG thats terrible.....did you leave him? Hope you are out of the relationship now. Thanks for the advice x0
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I don't know the ins & outs, but if OH is this controlling when you don't even see him that often, imagine what it would be like if you lived together or were married.
He may be feeling insecure because he doesn't see you that often, but after 6 years, if he doesn't trust you, it's unlikely he ever will. People don't really ever change.
It may be that your relationship has run it's natural course.0 -
You don't sound like the kind of girl who would allow herself to be controlled.
But you do sound like a couple who want different things out of life, and that's only going to make both of you unhappy in the long run.0 -
I think he's spotted something that is quite clear to me too and if you re-read your post you'd see too. You have grown apart and the age gap is making a big different right now. You just want different things, you would both probably be happier acknowledging this and moving on in your lifes in the direction you are both heading - opposite each other. Don't leave him hanging in there just because it's nice to have a boyfriend, if you continue on you're both become more resentful of the way you want to live your lives. Let him go and find a girl to settle down with and you go out and have lots of FUN.We Made-it-3 on 28/01/11 with birth of our gorgeous DD.0
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He doesn;t sound controlling to me, it sounds like you both want different things out of life. I feel as sorry for him as I do for you to be honest. Neither of you has the relationship you want.
I'd be livid if I'd asked my long-term BF where he saw himself in ten years and got he answer 'err, alive'. He was trying to find out how you feel about him and in a funny kind of way you answered him - you don;t see yourself with him or you'd have said so.:cool: DFW Nerd Club member 023...DFD 9.2.2007 :cool::heartpuls married 21 6 08 :A Angel babies' birth dates 3.10.08 * 4.3.11 * 11.11.11 * 17.3.12 * 2.7.12 :heart2: My live baby's birth date 22 7 09 :heart2: I'm due another baby at the end of July 2014! :j
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lacoste1985 wrote: »OMG thats terrible.....did you leave him? Hope you are out of the relationship now. Thanks for the advice x
Yes I did, and it took over 4 years and god knows how many court battles (owing to the lies he told about me) to get my kids full time I've finally got my life back, but when I first left I was a shadow of my former self, scared of everything, wouldn't talk to anyone, I had just been totally conditioned to believe that no one thought I was worth talking to (he had been telling our friends I was slagging them off behind their backs, so a lot of them just stopped talking to me) fortunately he couldn't get to my own friends and family who'd always thought he was a loser so he just tried to 'ban' me from seeing them instead. Needless to say I've only kept the friends who had the faith in me to see through the lies
It all starts gradually and builds up, with me I was made to move away from my home town to somewhere I didn't like, and I hated it. Before long they're in charge of everything.you're in that situation before you know it, have the courage to tell this man you've just grown out of it and you want a grown up relationship, with someone with the mental capacity to realise you need your friends too!Mum of several with a twisted sense of humour and a laundry obsession:o
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Too controlling for me i`m afraid!
Sounds as if the `routines `have got out of hand and expect to be kept for life!
Your 2nd job is YOUR job, YOUR income and you have been there a long time. If YOU like it and want to continue then continue - how dare he advise you to give it up!!
As for `Is coming home from a meal with a friend at 11pm on a week day evening classed as ‘coming in late’?:rotfl:DebtFree FEB 2010!Slight blip in 2013 - Debtfree Aug 2014 :j
Savings £132/£1000.0 -
OP, you sound like a great fun girl that some nice guy is just waiting for. Go out and have fun and leave the chap to his telly and his computer. You'll both be happier:) Good luck.0
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29 going on 59 by the sound of it. The fact that he doesn't like you seeing your friends should be ringing very loud alarm bells. The fact that he wants to dictate how and where you work should be ringing some more. The fact that he thinks getting home at 11pm is a late night sounds like he's turned into his dad. The fact that he thinks he can get a mortgage on earnings of £15k should tell you all you need to know..................
....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)0
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