Depressed boyfriend

belfastgirl23

I kind of understand what he's going through but I think the doc is right, he's built up an irrational fear and the only way to conquer it is to face it.

Would volunteer work be a good idea in the meantime to build up his confidence in a safer and supported environment? At least he'd be getting out and doing something.

But i would definitely say that you can't let his issues cloud your judgement about your own life. Whether you're with him or not, you being better qualified can only be for the good.

PS his mother sounds toxic to me, she's giving him absolutely no motivation to get himself out to do anything. Could the sister have a word?

Buddingblonde

Hi there - I would like to add my tuppence worth.
I have suffered depression since having a nervous breakdown in my teens - I still have very black moods.
My Ex boyfriend also had mental health issues and with hindsight I can see that we became enablers for each other - we both were stuck in a rut that neither one of us could change. I started doing a little voluntary work and that was changed the status quo. We split and now I am with a lovely fellow and my ex qualified as a painter and decorator after coming to terms that our relationship was over and that we had made things very difficult for ourselves staying in the same place.

You bettering yourself will change the dynamic of your relationship - it may be the end or it may encourage your boyfriend to take control and change with you. What is clear is that more of the same is not the solution - it hasnt been for the past 7 years and it wont be for the future.

Good luck in everything you do

Ax

the_cat

Your BF currently has no need to change his life and turn it around. Everyone around him (I'm sorry, I need to include you in this) is patting him on the hand and saying 'take as long as you need' etc and enabling his behaviour. Five years of that hasn't worked.

I think you need to take a more practical approach both for your benefit and ultimately for his. Deffo go to college. He needs to learn that you are not at the beck and call of his 'needs'. A relationship is a 2 way street.

If I were you I would leave. End of. You may not want to though and I understand that

If you want to try and make this work, then it needs to work for both of you. ATM it only works for HIM! Don't even consider moving in with him.
He needs to prove he can be a part of a normal, equal partnership and earn that right.
Ask yourself what needs to change to make you want this as a forever relationship. Spell it out to him and give him a time limit. Don't waste precious years bumbling along hoping that it will all magically get better on it's own. It won't.

One final thought. You were obviously very young when you got together and can only have very limited experience of other boyfriends. Are you sure that there is not better out there waiting for you if you have never tried? Can you be absolutely sure that you are not drifting along through habit and feeling sorry for him, as quite frankly, I can't really see what you might be getting from this relationship

Sorry if I appear harsh, it is not intentional cruelty. He needs to be given a reason to make the effort......

Person_one

Can I ask what you get out of the relationship OP? Does he support you in your goals? Do you have shared interests that you follow together? Do you laugh and talk? Go out and about or on holidays together?

Errata

Everyone else has posted what I would. 7 years is a very, very long time to be 'stuck' it may take him 7 more years to become unstuck. Are you prepared to hang around on the offchance he manages that ?

System

He needs to take control of his life. I'm surprised after years of it and 3 bouts of anti-depressants he hasn't had a refferal for a psychiatrist?

Although i do sympathise with your bf (have suffered with depression for the past 12 years now),if he doesn't want this to end, it never will. There is only so much you can do, and you have done a lot for him. I think the fact his mum is always ready to bail him out isn't helping him. And as i think someone else said when you have 2 people with MH probs together they can in a sense feed off each other. Which is what sounds like might be happening with you bf and his mum.

Is he claiming any benefits? If so it might be worth talking to an advisor at the jobcenter. In some cases he could do work trials where you can in effect "try out" a job. That or voulnteering might help? Personally after a year of nothing i am now on the verge of making some improvement, i'm hopefully going to college in september.

Would further study be something he might want to do? Gets him out the house and meeting new people, which i know at times can feel the worst thing and last thing you wnant to do, but sometimes you just have to push yourself.

annie12

beetbeet wrote: »

Hi


Im not sure what im hoping to get from posting this, maybe some advice or some criticism if you think im doing something wrong and making the problem worse.

My boyfriend (22, lives at home with his mother) is now on antidepressants for the 3rd time since we have been together (7years) im also 22. he thinks that the reason he is depressed/anxious is that getting a job scares him. He has not worked more than a month in his life, I work full time and do a part time collage course.
We have gone to the doctors together and the doctor basically said that he needs to grow up and get a job, as he is giving himself to much time to worry about all this. I agree with the doctor and think that all this will go away when he faces his fear. His sister also supports me with this.
His mother who has been depressed many times before and took antidepressants and been to counseling seems to think that his doctor is wrong and she is trying to book him a appointment with a therapist. My only problem with this is that he has seen a councilor 2 times before and they tell him to take as long as he needs to get a job (his mother tells his this too) and as you can see the problem keeps resurfacing.
I have collage tonight but he has just phoned me crying begging me not to go. I would also like to add that he has plenty of good friends, lots of money (gifts from his mother) and has a car (also paid for by his mother)

Sorry for such a long rant, I cant talk to my mam and dad about this because I know they would tell me to leave him and get on with my own life.

He may have social anxiety and unfortunately being told to grow up, isn't going to help him. There is a social anxiety forum http://www.social-anxiety.org.uk/ which may help.

Pee

Would it be an option for you to move somewhere rented, a little bit away from mother, if he got a job.

My feeling is very much that you are destined for better things. Five years is a long time to mope around without getting a job. I do however know a guy who was like that, got married to a mother figure on benefits and dossed around for years, sometimes had a job but always had a bad back or some other excuse to leave/ get sacked. He got together with a bossy woman who had his children and for the first time he was motivated workwise and has done really well.

Whatever options there are available on the NHS, counsellors etc he should try, because hopefully he will find one that works for him, but in the meantime, especially when you enjoy college, you have to make sure that you put yourself at least equal first.

C_Mababejive

Eject...Eject.......Eject......

Lotus-eater

annie12 wrote: »

He may have social anxiety and unfortunately being told to grow up, isn't going to help him.

It could well be that.

I do understand lethargy, depression and SA, together with the fear of the unknown..... as I understand it, everyone is different.

Without knowing the lad personally it's very hard to get what he's really like. But it doesn't look good, at his age he should be able to deal with it and at least try to do something, asking you not to go to college is very very wrong and I fear like the others that he is pulling you down too far and will be affecting the rest of your life.

Having a house and kids with this person as he is, will be a massive mistake I'm afraid.

He isn't preparing for the rest of his life at all, you need to. Go out there and do it, if he wants to come along, he'll have to change and prove he can sort himself out. But if he hasn't done something by now, it's not looking good.