Depressed boyfriend

beetbeet

Hi


Im not sure what im hoping to get from posting this, maybe some advice or some criticism if you think im doing something wrong and making the problem worse.

My boyfriend (22, lives at home with his mother) is now on antidepressants for the 3rd time since we have been together (7years) im also 22. he thinks that the reason he is depressed/anxious is that getting a job scares him. He has not worked more than a month in his life, I work full time and do a part time collage course.
We have gone to the doctors together and the doctor basically said that he needs to grow up and get a job, as he is giving himself to much time to worry about all this. I agree with the doctor and think that all this will go away when he faces his fear. His sister also supports me with this.
His mother who has been depressed many times before and took antidepressants and been to counseling seems to think that his doctor is wrong and she is trying to book him a appointment with a therapist. My only problem with this is that he has seen a councilor 2 times before and they tell him to take as long as he needs to get a job (his mother tells his this too) and as you can see the problem keeps resurfacing.
I have collage tonight but he has just phoned me crying begging me not to go. I would also like to add that he has plenty of good friends, lots of money (gifts from his mother) and has a car (also paid for by his mother)

Sorry for such a long rant, I cant talk to my mam and dad about this because I know they would tell me to leave him and get on with my own life.

springclean

difficult one because depression is often overlooked and not taken seriously as it an unseen illness. that said, it appears that while ever he is being financed, he has no need to get a job and start helping himself, step by step, to overcome his fears. i have no advice for you. only you can decide if you want to hold yourself back to stay with him and where he is, or if you want to progress with your life.

good luck with whatever you do, and don't let guilt play a part in how you handle this.

Pee

Hmm... and how do you feel about the likely advice from your Mum and Dad? Seeven years is a long time to be with someone, especially at your age. You seem to have a lot of get up and go, and whatever the medical problems, he doesn't. Do you foresee a long term future together? Does that seem workable?

Why doesn't he want you to go to college? Would this be for a couple of hours this evening? If he is crying, it sounds to me like a fairly serious medical problem.

Did he go to Uni or since leaving school at 16 or 18 he has just never worked a month?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Go to college. Don't let his illness (whether real or imaginary) drag you down. Sooner or later he will decide that either you are worth the effort and he will sort himself out rather than have you achieve stuff without him, or he will step up the emotional blackmail in the hope that he will be able to control you with the fear that he would do something harmful to himself.

Sounds like he's learned that being a victim is the way to get attention and understanding and absolves him of all responsibilities in life. If this habit hasn't been broken by now, there is a very good chance that he will spend his entire life being a victim. (especially as Mummy is reinforcing all his anxieties and self pitying tendencies)

If he wants to be Mummy's Wounded Little Soldier all his life, you won't be able to stop him transferring the job of Mummy onto you if he is allowed to get away with it.

Next thing you know, you'll have two jobs, a mortgage, 3 kids and he is still sitting on his behind watching Jeremy Kyle on the afternoon reruns and internet shopping with your credit card until the kids come in and he retreats upstairs because he finds them too stressful to cope with - which means you also end up doing the cooking, cleaning, homework, bathing, sending to bed (whilst getting the 'you're too hard on those children' speech from him and his mother).

Your choice. Not going to tell you what to do. But I reckon that quite a few people on these boards recognise the scenario.

Indie_Kid

beetbeet wrote: »

We have gone to the doctors together and the doctor basically said that he needs to grow up and get a job, as he is giving himself to much time to worry about all this. I agree with the doctor and think that all this will go away when he faces his fear. His sister also supports me with this.

I would seriously get a second opinion. A doctor would never say this. I would ask for refferal to a psychiatrist.

beetbeet

Pee wrote: »

Hmm... and how do you feel about the likely advice from your Mum and Dad? Seeven years is a long time to be with someone, especially at your age. You seem to have a lot of get up and go, and whatever the medical problems, he doesn't. Do you foresee a long term future together? Does that seem workable?

Why doesn't he want you to go to college? Would this be for a couple of hours this evening? If he is crying, it sounds to me like a fairly serious medical problem.

Did he go to Uni or since leaving school at 16 or 18 he has just never worked a month?

hi pee

well i always did see a future together, i really want to get a house soon (we even have the deposit saved between us)
my college course tonight is only for 3 hours, and he knows how much i love it.
no he hasnt gone to uni/college or got a job, nearly every day since he has left school (5 years) i have told him to find a job, helped him fill in job applications, do a CV, looked at possible courses he might like.

beetbeet

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Go to college. Don't let his illness (whether real or imaginary) drag you down. Sooner or later he will decide that either you are worth the effort and he will sort himself out rather than have you achieve stuff without him, or he will step up the emotional blackmail in the hope that he will be able to control you with the fear that he would do something harmful to himself.

Sounds like he's learned that being a victim is the way to get attention and understanding and absolves him of all responsibilities in life. If this habit hasn't been broken by now, there is a very good chance that he will spend his entire life being a victim. (especially as Mummy is reinforcing all his anxieties and self pitying tendencies)

If he wants to be Mummy's Wounded Little Soldier all his life, you won't be able to stop him transferring the job of Mummy onto you if he is allowed to get away with it.

Next thing you know, you'll have two jobs, a mortgage, 3 kids and he is still sitting on his behind watching Jeremy Kyle on the afternoon reruns and internet shopping with your credit card until the kids come in and he retreats upstairs because he finds them too stressful to cope with - which means you also end up doing the cooking, cleaning, homework, bathing, sending to bed (whilst getting the 'you're too hard on those children' speech from him and his mother).

Your choice. Not going to tell you what to do. But I reckon that quite a few people on these boards recognise the scenario.

thanks for your support Jojo, i would really like to print this off and show him in the hope that he wakes up and realises. but then i worry that maybe his mother is right and he needs a psychiatrist and i might have pushed him to far

Flearoy

Sounds like a lazy so and so to me. There are lots of people who suffer from anxiety, depression and other related debilitating illnesses that do a lot more with their lives. 5 years of idleness - no wonder he's depressed. And before I'm accused of not understanding such conditions, I can confirm that I have suffered from depression for many years, and have been 'treated' with antidepressants and behavioural therapy. The more I was 'coddled' and left to wallow in my self-pity, the less motivated to do something about my miserable state I was. It took some pretty harsh words and actions from those around me to get me to start trying to sort myself out. I still have bad times, but on the whole I'm trying, and I feel a lot better. You must not allow yourself to be dragged down.

elisebutt65

beetbeet wrote: »

hi pee

well I always did see a future together, i really want to get a house soon (we even have the deposit saved between us)
How has he managed to contribute to the deposit if he has never worked???
my college course tonight is only for 3 hours, and he knows how much i love it.
If he really loved you, then he wouldn't ask you to stop going to something he knows you love
no he hasn't gone to uni/college or got a job, nearly every day since he has left school (5 years) I have told him to find a job, helped him fill in job applications, do a CV, looked at possible courses he might like.

Sorry but I think you know in your heart of hearts that he isn't the 'one' or you probably wouldn't have posted on here. Basically, he left school at the age of what? 18? And hasn't done anything at all since???

Whereas you've gone out, got a job, getting qualifications at college, saved up for a deposit - He really knows he's onto a good thing, doesn't he? A prospective good little wifey who'l bring in the dosh, pay the mortgage and bills, whilst as Jojo says - he can sit at home on his backside, whinging about how life is just stressing him out too much to do the housework whilst you're out earning everything to subsidise he lazy !!!!! lifestyle!

Yes - you are making the problem worse and so his is mum by not letting him face up to reality and the Doctor obviously realises this or he would have referred him to a psychologist by now. A friend of mine is 'really' depressed and was referred within 2 visits to the GP - NOT after 7 years!!!!

I can't speak for anyone else but personally , I would as they say in the States - 'Kick him to the Curb'! Find yourself some who appreciates you and is not a loser!

merlin68

How has he helprd you save a deposit if his never worked. I think your setting your self up for a life time of misery. Been there before and got the t-shirt.

Hectors_House

It can't harm to let him go ahead and see a psychiatrist. If they are any good they'll soon know if he is deluding himself and hopefully help him to see past whatever is stopping him getting on.

Don't let him interrupt your work/course though. He sounds like he has other support to turn to then just you and you may soon have an indication of where you want to go with the relationship if he ratchets up the demands for you to spend time with him and not bettering yourself.

Hope you guys work it out.