Depressed boyfriend

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

beetbeet wrote: »

thanks for your support Jojo, i would really like to print this off and show him in the hope that he wakes up and realises. but then i worry that maybe his mother is right and he needs a psychiatrist and i might have pushed him to far

Even if you had pushed him, there's no way it could be too far - Mummy's there to catch him and say 'there, there Bunnikins, Mummy'll protect you from that nasty Beetbeet not loving you like I do, because I know you're weally poorly'

euronorris

Hi beetbeet!

Please, please don't miss your college class for this. If he is that upset, then his mother can comfort him tonight. And he should never ask you not to go! In fact, he should be pleased for you and encouraging you.

My ex bf sounds very similar to your current bf. I hate to say it, but.......all the time you are helping him, he simply won't bother to try. Not fully anyway. And why would he, when everyone else does things for him?

You can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

I do understand that you love him very much, so I won't tell you to leave him. But, I do think it would be good for you to step back a bit. Let him take the lead in completing job applications, therapy exercises etc etc.

If he continues to try without your input, then, I would imagine, he really wants to sort things out. If, however, his effort twindles without your input, well...I think that speaks volumes really.

I must admit, I have never heard of 'fear of getting a job' before (plenty of people who fear interviews, but they still go). I'm not saying it's not possible, it just sounds a bit fishy to me. It's the kind of thing I would expect someone who doesn't want to work, to say. (No offence is intended to anyone who genuinely suffers with this problem. But, I'm sure that this is abused by some).

Do you know anyone who works in therapy etc, that could provide you with some advice on how best to deal with this?

x

Person_one

Listen to your mum and dad, they have your best interests at heart and they are right I'm afraid! I've been in exactly your position, although I was a couple of years younger and I wish I'd listened to my mum and dad sooner.

You are far too young and have too much potential to be dealing with this. If your boyfriend is ill then you being around won't make him better, he'll do that if and when he decides he wants to get the right help and support (not his mum from the sounds of it!)

Walk away, study, get a great job and make yourself happy and maybe one day you'll meet someone who can be happy alongside you.

Person_one

beetbeet wrote: »

hi pee

well i always did see a future together, i really want to get a house soon (we even have the deposit saved between us)
my college course tonight is only for 3 hours, and he knows how much i love it.
no he hasnt gone to uni/college or got a job, nearly every day since he has left school (5 years) i have told him to find a job, helped him fill in job applications, do a CV, looked at possible courses he might like.

How has he saved a deposit if he's never had a job? Is it money from Mum? Please don't buy a house with somebody who you seriously doubt will be contributing to the mortgage/costs.

Mini_Bear

I second getting a second opinion on his conditions. as hes young with a lot of time on his hands, can he not join a gym and go regularly, then think about sport classes? If you say hes got a lot of friends its unlikely to be social phobia?
He really needs to try and push the limits of his comfort zone, could he not do some volunteer work, even blow some of your house deposit and travel or do hobbies?
I know some of these ideas might be too much at first. my boyfs been on and off prozac for a couple years now and we discuss ways to push his comfort zones so he doesnt retract too much from life. This year hes running the marathon and im so proud!! - He also wrks 60 hrs week!!
Good luck OP, you seem very focused and driven!

neneromanova

What do his friends think about the fact that he doesn't work and gets money off mummy?

I would say leave him but only to see if he would fight for you. If he fights for you, shows that he's worth something and gets up and gets a job then you know you have a good man. If he watches you go into the distance and still does nothing, you will look back on this and say "Phew. I had a lucky break there!"

Barny1979

beetbeet wrote: »

I would also like to add that he has plenty of good friends, lots of money (gifts from his mother) and has a car (also paid for by his mother)

He's on a cushy number and wants you as a replacement mother in the long-term to pay for all his things he wants, because life is just too scary according to him. Move on with your life and meet someone with some gumption! Does he go out at night, drink etc?

Alizarin

beetbeet, just wanted to say you have my sympathy and understanding. My boyfriend has suffered from depression since the age of 14 and as a result lacks any motivation to do anything.

We got together at 18 and it took until he was 21 to finally get a job. I don't think he would have gotten this job if I hadn't written his application letter and CV, borrowed him a suit from my dad and really guilt-tripped him into turning up. I still feel guilty about pushing him into the job, but if he hadn't gone for it there's no way we'd still be together and he'd still be spending every day in his bedroom in his mum's house being mollycoddled (definitely another case of mum unintentionally making it worse).

On the other hand, I've also suffered from depression in the past. Unlike my boyfriend, I went to the doctors for a diagnosis, took the antidepressants I was given and went to councilling sessions. I then got a full time job cos I was so bored of moping around the house and was off the medication and feeling a whole lot better within two years.

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to let you know that I understand how difficult it is. My boyfriend often has really bad days and it's so upsetting and difficult. I hope in our case that the good days are worth suffering the bad days for, but who knows ... if you want to talk, please PM me.

kezia_jay

Hi, beetbeet,

Obviously you will make up your own mind about what you need to do, but reading your thread reminded me a bit of my neice. She took on a boyfriend/husband who had mental issues despite warnings from friends to think twice. Now, 2 children later she feels like she has 3 children and is quite lonely. Think carefully but good luck to you what ever you decide.
Also I would definitely go to college as planned.

Oldernotwiser

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