Depressed boyfriend

DKLS

If he has genuinely suffers from depression/anxiety he needs to seek help, there is a wealth of services available, he needs to go back to his GP and ask for a referral to his local IAPT service, where he can be taught the skills so he can manage his own thoughts and feelings ultimately leading to recovery.

Or the other side of me things this guy is a manipulative professional pain snail. Who has learnt how to get those around him to enable his pain. Some people are only happy if they are suffering.

If that is the case, do you want to spend another 7 years with someone who holds you back?

annie12

Lotus-eater wrote: »

It could well be that.

I do understand lethargy, depression and SA, together with the fear of the unknown..... as I understand it, everyone is different.

Without knowing the lad personally it's very hard to get what he's really like. But it doesn't look good, at his age he should be able to deal with it and at least try to do something, asking you not to go to college is very very wrong and I fear like the others that he is pulling you down too far and will be affecting the rest of your life.

Having a house and kids with this person as he is, will be a massive mistake I'm afraid.

He isn't preparing for the rest of his life at all, you need to. Go out there and do it, if he wants to come along, he'll have to change and prove he can sort himself out. But if he hasn't done something by now, it's not looking good.

CBT may be the answer, but I think he needs to go to his GP to be referred. Is there another GP withing the same practice he can see?

Lotus-eater

annie12 wrote: »

CBT may be the answer, but I think he needs to go to his GP to be referred. Is there another GP withing the same practice he can see?

It may be the answer <sigh>

If I'm really honest, I would advise the OP to run a mile, this guy is never going to be normal, although he may function for a while, he's always going to have problems.

My problems have put my OH through hell and I would have advised her to do the same when we met, had I known. I love her too much to have put her through this pain on purpose.

C_Mababejive

annie12 wrote: »

Gosh!!
I hope none of your close family/friends ever have a mental health problem if that's how you'd treat them :eek:

I know what you mean Annie but with these kinds of issues,the sufferer is often totally powerless to act and they can be likened to a black hole,sucking in all around them into the blackness. Those connected have every right to either disassociate themselves and/or apply tough love techniques.

Love can only last so long under such conditions and we all have a duty to ourselves to live our own lives as best we can.

This girl cant do that with this millstone shacked to her young,inexperienced ankle. She doesnt have the experience and lifeskills to deal with ti.

paddy's_mum

Can you even begin to imagine the hate and criticism that will come your way if you marry this man and then manage to cross his wickedly stupid mother?

Your life would not be worth living and you can bet your bottom dollar that he would not tell her where to get off. He can't afford to disobey his mother since he needs her for the money and for fostering their abnormal way of life.

You're reluctant to speak to your parents about all this. I suggest that you're afraid of the wrong people!

Oldernotwiser

annie12 wrote: »

Gosh!!
I hope none of your close family/friends ever have a mental health problem if that's how you'd treat them :eek:

It can often be a more helpful attitude than all the handwringing and "there there"ing in the world. You could argue that themother is helping him but this help is only holding him back and prolonging the situation.

annie12

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

It can often be a more helpful attitude than all the handwringing and "there there"ing in the world. You could argue that themother is helping him but this help is only holding him back and prolonging the situation.

I understand what you're saying, but a little understanding isn't too much to ask.
I think at the end of the day, if the OP is to stay with her BF her love for him has to be unconditional & strong.......That does not mean she says "there, there it will be ok".

If she can't do this, I think she should leave him.

[Deleted User]

You sound like a kind person and I have no doubt that you want to help your boyfriend.

I'm writing this as someone who has suffered with depression for over 30 years - and who has a loving, and supportive husband, so hope you can see that I'm replying from years of experience.

YOU HAVE TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Keep on with your college course. You're his girlfriend, not his nurse or his therapist, okay? Whatever happens, keep that going - it's your future.

His mother's way of dealing with him may have many different aspects; if she's suffered depression herself, she will understand how devastating it can be and so will want to look after him (he is her child, after all). Whether she is overdoing this is another matter (but she may not know what else to do). She may use his dependence to keep him from leaving home. Undoubtedly, the lesson he has picked up is "Learned Helplessness" which underpins a lot of people's depression. He feels powerless in the world (hence no job) and has learned to depend on others.

I would agree with another suggestion here - ask his doctor to refer him for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which has proven results for both anxiety and depression. I had counselling many times, with only limited success, but CBT was truly life changing. (There are sometimes long waiting lists for CBT but no matter; he needs to get his name on them).

It's important to understand that his depression has two aspects: probably a biological predisposition (inherited from his mother) and also a behavioural one (he has learned to be helpless). He can learn to change both - antidepressants, exercise, diet, mood management, and slowly build his confidence. (Best research outcomes for depression = both antidepressants AND CBT).

It's also important for YOU to understand that if he does have a biological predisposition and you stay with him, this will be your life for a very long time. (And if you have children together, a very good chance that he will pass this on to them).

My advice to you (and the advice I would have given my husband if I'd realised how long it was going to take me to be able to live "normally") is to slowly, gradually, detach yourself from him (even if it means living elsewhere) and find someone who doesn't have the "black dog" following them.

As someone-else has said here already - Run For The Hills.

spora

Given that you have been with him for so long and nothing has changed it means that you need to try a different approach.

If i was in your situation i would tell him i want to go on a break from the relationship until he sorts himself out (whether thats getting psychiatrict help/counselling or just facing his fear and getting a job). If he makes no attempt to get better then the relationship cant mean that much to him, so hes not worth your time. If he does sort himself out then great, in 6 months-1 year or however long it takes then you guys can start talking about getting back together if you want to (you never know, you might have found someone else by then).

As his gf im sure you will want to be there for him whilst (if?) he gets help, but i would suggest that whilst hes getting better you two have very little contact as it will be very easy to slip back into the situation you are in now.

Oldernotwiser

annie12 wrote: »

I understand what you're saying, but a little understanding isn't too much to ask.
I think at the end of the day, if the OP is to stay with her BF her love for him has to be unconditional & strong.......That does not mean she says "there, there it will be ok".

If she can't do this, I think she should leave him.

It seems reasonable to me that she should impose conditions on the relationship;he seems happy enough to impose them on her!