How do you say No to things you really need

hermum

Hi again Jim, I don't know if you've seen this link
http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/files/2009/11/advocacy-at-work-newsletter.pdf
has your wife applied for disability living allowance? Does she have a CPN or is being seen by the mental health team? If so try & get to an appointment with her & see if she can have a support worker, someone other than you may be able to get through to your wife that she really does need to curb the spending, easier said than done I know as I have bipolar & most of the time spend zilch, other times I can go crazy & blow loads on nothing. Also maybe you could take away the cards & give a budget that you've both agreed on for spending. It really does sound as if you need outside intervention to keep you both well. How old are the children?

hermum

Hi, yet again. Another thought, if your your wife uses the computer, encourage her to sign up on some of the threads here. Maybe if all meals are costed per head & the challenge is to eat cheaper each day until you reach a target price. Turn £100 into £10,000, live on £4k a year & make money on ebay. The old style thrift thread, could give ideas on cheap recipes & there are loads of recipe sites online for cheap meals. I don't know if that would make her ocd worse, or if channeling it in a positive way would help her. Maybe she would feel that she had some control again.
Hope you're all having-had a good weekend

pelirocco

GeorgeUK wrote: »

Mortgage................................ 210
Interest only or repayment?

Council tax............................. 116
Is this over 10 months or 12?

Electricity............................. 66
Gas..................................... 30
I'd check the meter readings with the companies and see if you are in credit.
Change to energy saving light bulbs and make sure everything is turned off at the plug if not in use - not standby.
Check the comparison sites to make sure you are getting the best deal (uswitch, moneysupermarket)

Water rates............................. 37.57
Is this metered? Do you have a water hippo or similar in your cistern to use less water?

Mobile phone............................ 25
PAYG?

Telephone (land line)................... 14
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 24
Internet Services....................... 30
Is this a package deal?

Groceries etc. ......................... 300
She's having a laugh!!
You might even be able to halve this. Are meals planned or do you just go around the shops and pick what you fancy? I would suggest a meal plan for the month and then only buy those ingredients - buy in bulk and freezemeals.

Clothing................................ 0
Something needed here (I know what you said before, but it would be better to budget for this)

Petrol/diesel........................... 200
Road tax................................ 190
Ouch!! Would it be possible to trade in for a smaller car?

Pet insurance/vet bills................. 25
Buildings insurance..................... 15
Contents insurance...................... 10
Life assurance ......................... 10.48
Other insurance......................... 53
Again i would shop around to make sure you get the best deal - also use a cashback site like quidco.

Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 0
Haircuts................................ 0
Emergency fund.......................... 0
Something needed here.

perhaps you could list a meal plan with prices to feed a family for less ,not forgetting to include non food items

Butti

Jim,

I was all ready to throw the book at your family for not supporting you enough but things are never as clear cut as they appear at first. Having watched two friends with depression get part-time jobs in retail I think it would really help Mrs Jim if this is achievable. It gives structure and purpose to your day and brings money in! Haven't read the whole thread so don't know how realistic this is.

I think the kids could also do with a serious explanation of life. Friends at school whose parents struggled all had part-time jobs just so they could support their own needs and take a bit of the load off.

Hope things start to turn round for you.

B

lilac_lady

I hope Mrs Jim is getting medical help with her illness as it seems quite debilitating (for you both). If she hasn't been referred to a specialist for help, try and persuade her to visit her GP to ask for a referral asap. Has she applied for DLA? It's not means tested and would give the family some extra income.

I hope posting here has been beneficial to you.

GeorgeUK

pelirocco wrote: »

perhaps you could list a meal plan with prices to feed a family for less ,not forgetting to include non food items

Not easily - i have a different size of family and most of my info on this comes from the oldstyle board.

Here are a few threads that may be worth looking at though.
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=2176651
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=2254127
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=326929
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1437561

Where you but items will also make an impact on the price. Also if you use vouchers it will help.
Sites like this may help too if like me you can't cook much more than toast.
http://www.supercook.com/

katsu

Butti wrote: »

I think the kids could also do with a serious explanation of life. Friends at school whose parents struggled all had part-time jobs just so they could support their own needs and take a bit of the load off.

I really support Butti's point on this. I've worked since I was 13 (alongside full time education). My parents did not have lots of money coming in and what I earned helped me feel independant and a contributor. It is good for kids to work. We've been doing recruitment recently at work and graduates who have never worked are definitely at a disadvantage in their understanding of workplace behaviours and demonstrating a work ethic.

jazzyjustlaw

Norfolk_Jim wrote: »

The advise on these boards is generally pretty much the same, cut back to the bare bones, live frugally, pay off debt for umpty years and nver go back again - thats pretty much my approach except that I do end up going back again.
In the past, as I've seen things developing I've slammed on the spending breaks and come out safely on the other side but in the past few years I've really come off the road and into the ditch.
First off, I have a really unsupportive, unsympathetic wife & kids. They take the view that no matter what "Jim'll fix it" and I suppose since in the past I always have, why would they think differently? I've done everything I could think of - sought advise/support on here, showed them the budget, showed them the board - they talk a good talk then carry on as normal.
Then I had a mental breakdown under all the stress. Have been nursed through it by my employer and back to full time working after 2 years of ill health, during which my debts have gone from £2000 to £24000 or so (in no position to defend myself).
Luckily, for now I can manage debt at this level but I hate being so vulnerable to any downturn. were just one disaster away from financial meltdown - like if I get sick again - which gives me a lot of worry.
I've now persuaded the wife that we should sell the house and downsize if we can - its on sale now but who knows how long it'll take to sell.
So in the meantime I'm trying to apply the spending breaks. Trouble is that although I have a balanced budget with around £200 of discretionary income after the payments go out - this is always consumed by non anticipated expenses.
With no savings at all, these emergencies hammer my attempts to pay off debt and month on month my debt still creeps up. Not as fast as before but always up. Theres times I feel like, lets just live happy till the kids are up and away and then go bankrupt? Then I feel guilty for having such an irresponsible thought, since I have always paid everyone everything I owe.
I get a lot of help from reading all your diferent situations but theres not much there I see in how to deal with real difficult unexpected bills, heres some of my recent ones.

The dog breaks its leg (yeah, I know, your in debt and you have a dog? Are there no pounds out there? Very Dickens) and its not insured. Do I kill the dog or pay the very £1000 to fix it. I get paid too much to get help from PDSA.

The wife breaks her teeth and the dental plan only covers half the bill now. Do I leave her in pain or fork out £300 on my flexible fiend to get them fixed right away?

The wife breaks her glasses (again), another £40 to Specs Direct or let her stumble about bumping into things.

The Boiler, having been nursed along for 12 years and well past its commercial lifetime, dies, and its freezing. Buy a new one I cant afford or extra jumpers all round?

Ok I'm being flippant but these are real choices I've had to face recently

The car hits a dirty great big pot hole - Do I pay to get the tracking sorted or fingers crossed and hope I dont end wearing my tyre out fast? (This is current)

I need clothing for my job, 2 specialist outfits and 2 sets of smart casuals (I'm the scruffiest person at work with holes in my clothing - no kidding - but I'm supposed to be a professional), I can maybe get the smar casuals from Tesco for £40(?) But the specialist clothing is a lot more, maybe £200. Theres no Budget for clothing in our budget, I wear gifts and charity shop finds (and to be fair to Mrs jim, much of the time so does she)
I'm worried that having been so good to me, my bosses will lose patience with me.

We used to feed ourselves on £2 a day, but now I find my £60pw groceries & household budget isnt enough? result - I eat less and feed the wife & kids, but obviously there will come a point. OT and Frugal living would help but I'm at work long hours and Mrs Jim wont play ball. So we overspend on food even though I'm well unhappy about it.

The car breaks down - I work 25 miles away and theres no bus. It has to be fixed (we are moving closer to work and on a bus route once house sells but in the meantime?) It has to be financed somehow?

Thats just a few examples. Any one of them alone and I might find a way -daily clicks - cashback shopping - selling something. Its just that they seem to come one thing after another in a never ending stream.

Oh well - Despairing rant over - I know - post you SOA and we'll tell you to get rid of the dogs, ditch the Sky, eat beans and sit in the dark.
I've done all of that before, and worse.

Living alone I truely believe this would never have got so bad as I can impose any kind of austerity on myself and be untroubled - in fact the happiest I've ever been was living in a concrete shack in the Malawi bush (helping a charity help poor farming communities) with no Tv, no electricity, no shops and just a bed and two sets of clothing. That was bliss. But When it comes to others, the wife, the kids, its another matter.

What do you all do when something unexpected comes your way and you have no money to pay it?

Lots of potential problems there not helped by the fact it appears that you are dealing with the burden on your own. Marriage means compromise and sacrifice.

Perhaps back to the Malawi Bush?

Hope it works out hugs x

jazzyjustlaw

Having now read the thread realise my comment was harsh!! All the best!

dancingfairy

Hi Jim - sounds like you're doing really well and have been hit by some unfortunate set backs.
My suggestions are:
1) do a realistic buget - you need clothes for work - it's kind of essential so factor these in
2) emergency budget again - factor this in
3) car reppairs - again factor this in
at the moment you SOA is not a real reflection as you are going to be spending on essentials that you just haven't covered.
With regards to Mrs Jim - check out whether there is a MIND (mental health charity in your area), get on to the job centre and speak to the disabilities advisor, try the local CAB, try and find a DIAL (some disability charity thing), see if she is eligible for ESA (employment support allowance ) or DLA (disabled living allowance) benefits.
Once you have done this you will be in a better situation to see the real situation with you finances - If you can not afford the minmiums on your debts after allowing for essential expenses in life - ie food, clothes, electric, etc then you may need to consider a DMP or other solution.
A dmp is where you contact your creditors and show them your budget (ie you can manage at the moment) and you split what spare you have with them rather than going without (like you said going without is fine up to a point but it seems to be like you have reached the point where you can no longer do this as you need to focus on your health). In return for seeking help from a debt charity and going on a dmp then you ask the companies to stop adding charges and interest to get you back on your feet. Please have a chat to one of the debt charities about this as I think it would really help you.
Anothe suggestion would be to maybe approach a credit union if you have one and see if they are able to lend you money at a more favourable rate with the idea being to pay off some of your debts and just repay the credit union - so each monthly payment would be paying more off your debt.
You're doing great and you've obviously had a hard time of it.
df