New year, New me (finally)

thrifty_fifty

Well after reading some of the inspirational diaries on here, I thought I should start my own. I'm sure I'll look back on some of these rantings and realise how silly I had been.

It all began on new years eve, when it suddenly dawned on me that I was going to be thirty this year and should really sort myself the hell out. I have been in debt since 2004, got it right down and racked it up again. This time it is going to stay down.

A bit of history, sorry to be boring. I won't try and blame people here I'm an adult and clearly responsible for my own actions. It all started in 2004 when I was in the process of purchasing my own house. I got excited buying things for it, buying all the best stuff in a 'buy the best you don't buy twice' frame of mind-and to be fair this has worked out as I still have all my stuff and it's all still in a1 condition and hope it will be until I'll long and grey. Anyway I did this on my own as my boyfriend did not seem interested in anything housey atall. To be fair looking back on it the relationship was faulty anyway and my lack of self confidence hung onto him thinking I wouldn't get anyone else. He let me pay for pretty much everything when he was on twice the money I was and he insisted that I pay exactly half towards all of the bills, the same as he was paying. He found out about all the stuff I had been buying and basically said I had trapped him by getting the mortgage knowing I had that debt. Not a great start. He insisted that I give all my money to him and that he would pay off the card each month. I cut the card up and it was fine.

Except when the old card expired and the replacement one came through the door. Absolutely miserable in this relationship, and feeling that I couldn't go back home to the folks I started secretly treating myself to things when in town. To make up for the fact that I had such a rat of a boyfriend, I felt that I had lost everything, I'd sold my car before moving in. We moved to an area that I didn't want to live in, but he insisted because of his work was more important than mine, and now he had control of my money. I felt that I had surrendered everything, so my buying was my guilty secret. Well that all came to a head in 2006 when i basically decided that I couldn't afford this lifestyle and to keep buying all his stuff as well as give him my money. I received a call at work to say I had gone £800 over my credit limit and they needed payment for the unauthorised amount that day. I panicked, I had just been paid, given all my money to my boyfriend and there was no way he could find out, or it was definitely over. I could see no future beyond this. I said I felt sick and went home. I applied for two credit cards and got refused. I rang my bank and the loan was refused, but they could offer it to me at a much higher interest rate. Like a fool I took it. I meant to pay the credit card off straight away, but I decided that I would stick the loan money in savings and pay off the loan straight away, and knock a lump sum each month off the credit card. Well I continued to buy things for him, fuelled by the guilt and also feeling trapped and because he made me aware every day what I had done the first time round and how he had saved me. I look back now and I can't believe that he said if I went up into the loft (something I was scared of) he would by me some shoes (i guess he knew my weakness). He basically made me beg like an animal.

Anyway the loan money soon ran out and I still had the credit card debt left. I pushed my way through my degree whilst working full time, in the hope that I would get a better job and leave him and my debts behind. That all went wrong in 2007 when I had gone over my overdraft and panicked again, there was the threat of redundancy, I was stressing over exams, and had been keeping my guilty second secret debt for three years. I broke down. I took 16 paracetomol and rang him at work to say sorry, what I had done and how he was better off without me.

He came home, told me we could get through anything, it was only money and got me to confess. Then he went cold. We were due to go on holiday at the end of that week. We still went on the holiday even though everyone at home knew he would break up with me. It was the most bizzaare holiday ever. When we got back and reality set it, I cracked up. I found a text on his phone from a friend saying 'so it was out with her then', after he had strung me along for a month, i finally got him to say he was breaking up with me. He told my parents about my debt behind my back, because I would have togo home to them. He tried to have my name taken off the mortgage and basically said that I should hand the house over to him, and if I wanted my share of it, he didn't have the money right now, but if I wanted it that badly I would come back every week and pester him for it. I really found out who my friends were during that time.

I started work two weeks later at the same place as him, and had to listen to him regale of tales about how a girl in his department was flirting with him. Nice, when we had been together for 10 years and I was almost on the verge of a breakdown.

Anyway when everyone pitied me and thought I had ruined my life, I met a wonderful young man at work. He knew what I had been through and had racked up debts of his own supporting two housemates who were out of work and he had to pay their way.

We moved out and started renting a cottage together just over a year ago. I've started my masters and he is training to be an accountant. We both have a bright future ahead of us and want to get out debts out of the way. I have 18 months left on a loan currently standing at £3814, which I intend to pay off early. I have a test for another job this week, which although it won't pay any more than my current one, will give me loads of valuable experience, which should get me another 10k a year on top of my current salary. I have £2017 on one card-stuff for moving in here and £7005 on another card. The loan is a fixed amount at £200.00 per month and I pay a set direct debit of £100 for the card with £2017 and sling my other £550 at the card with £7005. So if I live at my current rate the end of this year looks much better at £1614 on the loan, £900 on one card and £1500 on the other. Significantly better.

:j

I have started this month on making the serious dent in the debt. I have to say I'm finding it hard. Going cold turkey. My job is really boring and I think this is why I eat and spend. Lunch time I feel I need to escape the office, so bought lunch and some pick me up smellies are on the order. I have cut this right down i allowed myself a bag of crisps today and have stocked up on all my smellies for the rest of the year, thanks to the sales, tk maxx and some cheeky freebies at beauty counters.

One for the ladies, but the current deal on bodyform with the free lipgloss. Amazing! Reduced at Morrisons to 68p, I have a whole years worth of feminine hygiene items for £9.76, plus enough lipgloss to last me for the next two years. I have to spend £5 getting the other five months worth tomorow as Morrisons ran out, but Boots have the offer for £1. I have bought a last few work clothing items for the year on ebay-loving my Alberta Ferreti dress for £8. And the only other purchase I will make is some new birkenstocks in the summer, as I have worn my other ones out, and they are the only things I live in during the summer. Apart from this I have nothing to spend for the rest of the year, apart from my next course.

I have my inner tight person so uncontrolled now, I have been invited out for a birthday dinner and have offered to drive, so that I can save money on overpriced alcohol and have free tap water instead.I have a voucher out of a magazine for a free YSL makeup consultation and free foundation, which I will use tomorrow to perk me up. Finally feel like I am getting on the straight and narrow. I have a wonderful man, and want a future bright with savings, free home grown veg, and a little house in the country. Lets start living life again!

Sorry for the long rant, but that has been bottled up for nearly three years now.

Virus_2

Well done on starting your diary and I'm glad that you've found happiness after what sounds like not a very nice time.

Looking forward to any updates

niccatw

FAntastically well done on getting to where you are now! A little house in the country sounds with home grown veg and a good man sound as though they are just what the doctor would have ordered!

I started my debt-free diary tonight too and while I haven't been through what you have, I am currently off work with anxiety and do find it more difficult to deal with the curve-balls in the nice, calm fashion I used, and completely appreciate how diffcult and stressful a time you must have had!

Keep up the good work. I'll keep popping back to check you haven't fallen off the wagon

thrifty_fifty

Thanks everyone,

Well, when you hit rock bottom the only way is up hey? I'm wiser for my experiences so they are a kind of blessing in a way.

Have a rubbish cold today .I have to say that its nice that people don't judge you on here.I think sometimes you can feel a bit alone when you are in this situation and people think you're an idiot for having done what you did.But we all had our reasons at the time.

I'm starting the appreciate the more simple things in life, like the fact that my lovely OH is making sausage baguettes for breakfast at the moment. Not so good for the diet, but hey we'll get there.


Hope you all have a fabulous day

x

thrifty_fifty

Hmm spent more than I wanted to today £1.13 so not horific. I was feeling under the weather so got some muffins 64p at M&S and some of their lovely cheesy poofs 49p.Feeling very guilty, especially as I should only have spent my £5 on lady items for the rest of the year.

Virus_2

Colds are rubbish Don't beat yourself up too much about spending the £1.13, you have caught the guilt which means you probably won't do it again Why not make up for it by trying to earn back the £1.13 somehow?

thrifty_fifty

Thanks.It really can get quite addictive this getting things for free or paying little for them. I promptly placed a sandwich back on the shelf today-they did that thing where they highlight the £1 and put save in smaller letters, so it looks like the items only costs £1. Sneaky! Very naughty and spent an extra £2.29 on chocolate and cola for tomorrow I'm spending less on things, just finding it hard to let go that last bit. Going to try that dove deoderant offer where it is bogoff in boots but the voucher on here is also bogoff, so two deoderants for free. Don't know if I have the courage, but as a loyal Dove fan, I figure they owe me for customer loyalty or something like that. Got free samples of clinique toiletries today, although only the satchets, not the 30ml bottles like the generous lady in Debenhams gave to me. Have signed up to Twinnings and Clipper tea sites to get free teabag trials and have two free satchets of yeast on the way, to make bread. Awesome!!

thrifty_fifty

Right,

Today is my first no spend day. I'm going to allow myself to look at things online, maybe even put them in my basket and then cancel. I can do it, I can do it!!!

Virus_2

Not wishing you luck, because you don't need it... You can do it!

thrifty_fifty

Thanks.

Still don't feel like I have my spending fully under control. Trying to direct it on saving more money on the things I normally spend it on, while I wean myself off spending all together for a while. Small steps hey?

We probably won't do anything for valentines day, but I had a credit crunch stylee idea for a night in for the two of us all for £10

Dvd -play.com or HMV sale £2.99
Pizza £1.00-supermarket special offer
Wedges £1.00
Biere Speciale 8 stubbies £2.85
Dip £1.00 max
chocolate eclairs m&s £1.00
total £9.85
Slightly calorific, but not too damaging on the budget.

Hope everyone is having a good day

thrifty_fifty

I'm sure the multiple postings will slow down. Just keep having several 'big bang' moments. Just created my signature with the various amounts I owe, and I think it has just hit me, what a muppet I've been. I've basically self put my life on hold, and to relieve the misery of being stuck in a job I hate and spending all my free time studying to get a better one, thus no time to see people, go on holiday and just live, thus making me more miserable and wanting to spend for a short temporary fix, then going into a cycle of guilt, more misery and more spending (you get the picture).

I shouldn't be morning my ability to spend on credit, but rather looking forward to saving for something, paying for it, enjoying it, and not let the nightmare of having aquired it, come bite me on the !!!! up to 12 months later.

How I used to be with money, and how I will be again......

start saving at Christmas for the holiday (holiday? that's something I haven't taken in a while) book it in feb when the saving I have done so far, covers the deposit. By the time the holiday comes, have the balance and spending money saved, and also money for new holiday clothes. No cluttered wardrobe because I bought one pair of sandals last summer, that matched everything and wore them everywhere to work, outside of work, wore them out and threw them away.

2 weeks before the holiday, go into town. Withdraw £200 to spend on clothes-but do this in £50 spurts, this 1. Makes you physically aware of how much you are spending by handing over physical cash instead of seeing pretty numbers in green appear on a till display.
2. Sees you running out of money in your purse.
3 the various visits to the cash machine make you think twice about your purchase because it is a pain in the !!!! going back and forth to them- See I had it at one stage.

Now here comes the science part-Don't let anyone else tell you what you need. I didn't need a credit card, i preferred using cash, and never let my bank account drop below £1000. Someone thought I was living in the dark ages and needed one, I listened to them, and for the first time in my life I enjoyed being able not only able to buy the pair of trousers on display and praying that I had saved the rest in time for them to still have the outfit in stock, but was able to buy the whole thing. BIG MISTAKE!!!! . If I had carried on in the student lifestyle way that I had begun work (saving up two weeks money for a pair of £20 jeans from Topshop), I wouldn't be in this mess now. If you don't have the money, you can't have it, but if you have a credit card you can have it all, and five other things that take your fancy along the way back to the car. Then because you have been out for hours, you need lunch, a cup of tea and a cake, some foot cream to nurse your aching feet when you get home, and then for the hefty parking fees, etc, etc.

MADNESS!!

Sorry, this post seems to be me giving myself a right old telling off. Bear with me, I'm not nearly half done with myself yet.

The result of all this crazyness is this... I can't start my next OU course until november, instead of May, because I want to get a good chunk of my debts out of the way, before I spend any more (£1050 per course and 4 more and years of this to go), but hooray at the end, lots of pretty letters after my name PG DIP development management and Msc Development Management, award ceremony. Hooray! 4 more years studying after that whilst working full time- and trying not to go insane Dr- phd on development, displacement and identity, in between buy house, get married, hopefully small people on the way.Put money away to have dream little shop in Stamford selling home made smellies and revived antique chairs etc etc.

Anyway I digress. I want to stop spending, start saving, use up all my toiletries and buy fresh new ones when I need them. Have enough wardrobe space to put things away in an orderly fashion, lose weight and feel confident in my clothes, and be able to sit in a garden on a summers day, with a glass of pimms and a smile on my face.

Long gone will be the current situation.... budget petrol for car. Can't go and see brother as this is extra petrol we can't afford. Get accused of being antisocial. Can't go out with friends and get bored of the age old excuse that we can't afford it. Have to watch other half sew his tie for the forth time after it has pretty much fallen apart in the wash. Live in tiny cottage being rented for the same amount of money I used to pay when I owned a house. Have to share 1 wardrobe between the two of us because the cottage is so small there isn't room to put another one in. Feeling constantly unsettled.

Annoyed that for every £600 I pay off my credit cards each month I'm really only paying £470. Yes they get £130 interest every month for what? Sitting there doing nothing apart from printing me a nice statement each month. I won't swap now because in a year and a bit I'll be done and quite frankly I'm sick of them all. I feel like its a talent contest everytime I apply. Do I get accepted, don't I? And then the paperwork drops through the door to sign your agreement, and your deal with the devil is complete.

Thank-you too Barclaycard who decreased my credit limit, on Christmas eve. I wasn't going to spend on it. I was enjoying seeing the little swingometer thing they have on online banking move further away from my limit, now they have lowered it, it is right near the end of the bar again. They have the cheek to put on your statement-you're near your credit limit, here are some things you can do to help with this. Patronising as hell!!! I'm doing all those things, and if you hadn't lowered it willy nilly I would be only half way to hitting my credit limit.

Anyway, on a more positive note. Got through the photbox calender freebie today, that was advertised on here. I put on there some nice pictures of when we went to River Cottage last September-Hugh is the most lovely guy.To spur us on and remind us of the good times we've had. I've set in my outlook calendar at work a reminder for 25th of each month of the new balances on each of my debts, so I'm reminded that they're coming down. I've also marked out 25th August 2011 as my final loan payment and to take myself and myself only that lunchtime to the champagne bar, and buy one glass of champagne, with a crisp £5 note and celebrate the beginning of life again.

I'd promised myself several years ago a trip to the Plaza Athenee in Paris for my 30th birthday this november-I know mock me, big SATC fan (and yes I do have a terrible shoe habit too), but I'm going to have to cancel it. I would have enough credit on my credit card to do it. But the guilt would kill me, and I would have to declare myself a lost cause. Instead we have agreed to do it for our 40th, when we are debt free and can pay cash for everything.


Sorry that was a long one.Think I need to go and lie down after that. And start panicking for this test I have tomorrow. Part of me wants it, part of me just wants another year to go at a snail pace, and trundle along in this job and just takes things a bit more easy. We'll see.


This really is like therapy. Excuse the crazy rantings. Hanging on in there. Next step, take that credit card out of my purse, for work tomorrow. 1st no spend day is nearing an end and it feels good.