Reach for the stars...

Jesthar

*decloaks*

Oooh, I found a Nicca!

niccatw

:hello: Jesthar. I'm not surprised you found me. I never under-estimate the power of a techno geek.

How's the garden?

7th NSD in a row today! But I've ran out of rice milk so it may have to come to an end.

Head all over the place, didn't get much sleep last night and collected a friend from hospital today (all ok, she just had an op under GA so needs a sitter for the night. She got me :rotfl:.)

Jesthar

Hey Nicca

The garden is currently in the 'it's winter so I can ignore it for now' phase, although I do keep intending to get the bird feeders back up, then forgetting (somebody kick me, please! :rotfl: ). I could do with doing some general dead stuff clearout, though, and the first grass cut of the year is gonna be hard work, though, as it didn't get cut after about September due to all the rain we kept having (conveniently at the weekends!).

I DO need to do it properly this year, though, especially now I have my proper fence - no more excuses! I also have a mini-greenhouse I picked up in a clearance sale, so I'm hoping to actually get motivated and USE it properly, not just sow some seeds then ignore them until about two weeks too late as is my usual habit...

Until gardening time arrives, though, I've started a new fitness drive (regular Wii fitness gaming) and I'm going to try and get the house generally presentable - can I borrow your cleaning compulsion, sometime? Mine has been AWOL since about, well...

I am making a start, though - I'm hopefully picking up a second hand pine filing cabinet tomorrow, which will mean I can finally get all my paperwork PROPERLY organised out of it's various breeding piles...

niccatw

Good luck with the organising Jesthar! I am available for hire and have a competitive hourly rate...

I have reached NSD 15 and today is my 8th in a row! It hasn't really been any hardship; I haven't needed anything (found more rice milk in the cupboard, hiding behind the pasta). Hmmm, those words will come back to haunt me the next time I start moaning about trying to reach my NSD target!

I'm heading out for my mates birthday tomorrow though, so a few wee drinks and a curry will put paid to that run! My friend texted me today too, making me aware of the sale in a fab wee shop with gorgeous dresses... I'm so very tempted!!! But, I've been keeping the DPs dress I got with my christmas voucher for tomorrow night and I really don't need another dress. Let's see if I make it through the weekend... (I mentioned the temptation on the crazy clothes challenge too, so I'm really trying to make sure I shake it )


The £8.53 rounding down account money has cleared to the RBS loan; it's now £6,689.07. Slight flaw in the rounding down system! It doesn't work nearly so well when you've reduced your spending and are having a good run at NSDs! Maybe I need to join the PAD challenge instead... will ponder!

Never let the little things get in your way though... decided I'd just shave another tenner off my bank balance so opened another tab and popped onto oline banking, another tenner winging it's way to the loan. Still holding on to the £600 in case of a bill for whatever prodding they've been doing under the building...

niccatw

My big fat thumbs, lack of co-ordination and some weird functions of the buttons on my laptop meant I hit send before I meant to there.

Perhaps I have alien hand syndrome (I was watching A Secret History of the Brain last night, there was a lady who had no control over one of her hands).

I did get my resubmitted assignment in. It's still not good enough to pass. Unless the professor is feeling particularly generous.

Unfortunately he wasn't in today when I tried to call. I am going to ask him what options are available to me, other than just out-and-out quitting, before speaking to my boss. However, I know, from the relief I've felt since making the decision to quit (even if I haven't yet managed to do that officially) that it is absolutley the right decision for me.

I don't think my boss will disagree. I'm just aware that she is on the committee for the grant body that granted me 75% of the funding and that she will have the job of going back and saying a member of her staff will not be continuing with the course.

I also can't remember the details of paying back the funding. I have a feeling I will have to pay it back to the grant body. And I won't get it back from the uni. Hence wanting to speak to the professor before I speak to the boss. I am wondering if there is any scope for doing the modules over a longer period of time on medical grounds.

I am also wondering if my boss will grant study leave... I doubt it though, one of my colleaugues has just announced she is pregnant. We are under no illusions, there won't be cover while she's gone. And I'd guess she won't be back if she can possibly afford not to come back!

None of that takes away from the decision though - it's not right for me, I can't do it to the best of my ability right now. And I don't want to make a half-a**ed attempt at it.

So I guess I just need to wait and see.

So since I won't be stressing over trying to find articles and reading government papers this weekend I aim to take some photos for ebay and BigWardobe.

I'm also hoping to be brave and make my first trip to a community garden scheme thingy that is very near me. I don't really know the protocol but it's kinda like a big allotment for folks in this area and if we help out in it, we get a share of the veg. One of the girls at work was telling me about it and 'cos I'm a big scaredy at just turning up, offered to meet me and introduce me to some of the folks she knows, so hopefully I'll find out more. It'd be great for reducing the fruit and veg cost though (even though I get a veggie box delivered for £11.75, which does me fine). But if I could get a wee bit of fresh air and veg every copuple of days, how good would that be for money, fitness and diet!

MrsMoo2U

De lurking to say that is 2 days of my diary reading behind now because I happened across yours by chance. Thoroughly engrossed and wanted to say thank you for the entertainment. I had seem some of your posts over on Mikes thread.
I am stunned by the amount that you have managed to pay off in such a short space of time, reading through your diary shows how focused you have been (even though it comes across at times that you are frustrated with not being focused).
I was interested in the way you talked about how rubbish you were feeling at the beginning and the Dr signing you off etc. What a long way you have come. Do you mind me asking if , at any point you realised that you were suffering with anxiety/depression before the Dr mentioned it? Sorry if this is being nosey, but my Dr suggested that to me at Christmas and I declined any offer of counselling. I had gone to him as I had a car accident and was convinced that I was still in shock hence the jibbering wreck before him but reading your diary I have had a few AHA moments (well not the Morten Hackett type) including the being up at silly oclock browsing the net moments.
Anway, sorry to jump in and ask lots of questions. I have subscribed and I am looking forward to hearing more about your tibetan, yoga, wigwam holidays. Sounds fab.

I also wanted t say that people used to pass comments all the time about how "scrawny" I was and I used to hate it. My friend was/is obese but nobody would dream of telling her she should eat less so why do they think it is ok to nag slim people to eat more? I have, however filled out at lot now I am older and wish that I had embraced my size when I was slim instead of hating it.

niccatw

Hi cherisong . Thank you for reading! Oops to taking up two of your days! Glad you enjoyed it enough to continue reading :j.

I can say with hindsight that yes, I probably did have an inkling at the time, but I wasn't in a place where I was ready to admit it to myself or any-one else.

In the summer (July, specifically) before I went off sick, my boss referred me to occupational health because she was worried about the weight I was losing. I told her my BMI was fine (which it was) so there wasn't a GP in the country who would be concerned. Even though I knew then something wasn't quite right. I went to counselling then but I wasn't up for it and I immediately didn't like the attitude of the person counselling me. So that was never going to work. I was still thinking everything was every-one else's fault, especially the comments on my weight or anything I was - or wasn't (I'm a veggie who thinks mushrooms are evil ) eating.

In fact I remember filling out a questionairre at the GP surgery the first time I was brave enough to go, and because I know some of the "signs" of depression, I just ticked the boxes in a way that I knew wouldn't give me a diagnosis. That doctor told me to got get a nice haircut and pamper myself and I was majorly p*ss*d off at her. But I guess it wasn't really her fault.

The next time I was brave enough to go back, I remember just trying not to to cry in the waiting room, wondering why I even wanted to cry and that I felt sick because I didn't know what to say to the doctor because "there was nothing wrong with me". I think she took one look at me and had me sussed!

Now, I can look back and I know it goes back much further but that I had just been dealing with things one after another, thinking that it's just life, people do it all the time. But my energy and my coping mechanisms must have depleted each time and I was a different person.

And I can only say that now, because now I can see the "real me" again. And because I have a couple of really fab friends who were able to see past the bubbly, optimistic me and realise there was something more than "just a bit of stress". (Both of them have also had depression at some point. They probably knew what was coming long before I did!)

And because my doctor is still fab and she still sees me regularly - if not so frequently now! And I do trust her judgement.

But I was determined that I wanted the old me back, so, you are probably right, I was quite focused. I still have to work hard to make sure I eat healthily. I will always have to cajole myself into going to the gym, but my enitre outlook on life is a much more balanced and sensible one than it was a year and a half/two years ago.

And while it's not the only reason, the debt has probably been there hanging over me, so being focused - and more importantly, balanced - with that has made a huge difference!

I had a lot of people tell me cut back on absolutely everything when I first posted my SOA. It's too much, too soon. Now I'm a bit better at knowing some people would break out in a cold sweat and the amount I pay for my cut and colur - but I love it. I love the whole experience of it and I love waking up and loving the way my hair is sitting, so it's money well spent in terms of keeping me sane and keeping me on the straight and narrow with the rest of it!

Crikey! Sorry, that's almost another day of yours taken! A word of warning, it's been a while since I managed a short post! :rotfl:

niccatw

I spoke to the professor at uni today. He says he will speak to me again at the end of the week as he hasn't marked my essay yet and they are always double marked, so the other professor has to mark it too.

He thinks I am jumping the gun a bit and that even if it isn't good enough to pass, there are options open to me.

You can tell he's a professor in psychology too as he then began to ask me about my second job and also about what's happeneing with the management structures and set up in my main job (social care + health + no money = utter confusion in the masses) and told me a little bit of uni stuff and had completely positively pyschologised (quite possibly a new niccatw phrase) me by the end of the call.

So I still don't know what's what, but he's calmed me down enough to make sure I stop and think carefully before throwing in the towel completely.

Now what I need, if any of you could be so kind, is that magic Hermoine uses in Harry Potter to alter time so she can go to more classes than can possibly be taken in one day! :rotfl:

MatyMoo

Loved your answer to Cheri, just shows how flippin clever you are that you could manipulate things, like the survey, until you were really ready to accept help!

niccatw wrote: »

I spoke to the professor at uni today. He says he will speak to me again at the end of the week as he hasn't marked my essay yet and they are always double marked, so the other professor has to mark it too.

He thinks I am jumping the gun a bit and that even if it isn't good enough to pass, there are options open to me.

You can tell he's a professor in psychology too as he then began to ask me about my second job and also about what's happeneing with the management structures and set up in my main job (social care + health + no money = utter confusion in the masses) and told me a little bit of uni stuff and had completely positively pyschologised (quite possibly a new niccatw phrase) me by the end of the call.

So I still don't know what's what, but he's calmed me down enough to make sure I stop and think carefully before throwing in the towel completely.

Now what I need, if any of you could be so kind, is that magic Hermoine uses in Harry Potter to alter time so she can go to more classes than can possibly be taken in one day! :rotfl:

I'm glad that you had this chat and he Prof wants you to wait until A) After its fully marked and You have looked at the other options before throwing in the towel.

If time was no object would you want this qualification? If so, you have to find a way to get it even if it takes you longer than others to get it. Where there's a will there's a way and all that.

And I love that you rarely do short posts :T But your short ones are normally the killer ones :rotfl:

MrsMoo2U

Thank you so much for that answer Niccattw it is really insightful. I, like Maty, am so glad of the fact that you don't often write short posts. That is what drew me in.
Maybe your psychologised you will take a step back. When I was reading your diary my thoughts were that perhaps you just needed to take a bit of time out. I know that you have already put it on hold but lots of people take longer to do these things. It is good that your professor is willing to take the time to work through things with you and he can obviously see that you have the ability if he wants you to look at options. Just a thought, and I hope that you dont mind, but are you a perfectionist? The reason that I ask this is because when I was reading your notes about the work I sensed that you are not happy with what you have written and assuming that it would fail. I have been told in the past that I am too harsh on myself and set myself too high a standard and thus, sometimes, assume things are worse than they are. It may well be that you do get a pass mark. A pass is a pass, even if it isn't top of the class. And anyway, my understanding of uni courses these days is that there is no such thing as a fail because you are given time to get these things right.
Thank you for brightening my 2 days and I look forward to hearing about your adventures. By the way, I used to spend lots on my hair. It was the one treat that I would never compromise on. Since I moved 150 miles away I cant find a good hairdresser and I look like a witch. I am convinced that is why I am feeling like carp!!!!!! So you spend whatever you like on it.
Oh, and as you were the one making tea on DIY I can say that your hair is lovely.