Reach for the stars...

niccatw

I am feeling great again today; I think my anxiety is finally under control. The tablets have certainly made a huge difference to my outlook and motivation and today I did the scariest things I've been putting off since the beginning of December:

• I called the professor of the course I'm meant to be in the middle of. They have given me a leave of absence and essentially I get to start all over again in October this year. He was absolutley lovely and we chatted for ages and I don't know what I was so worried about! It's such a weight off my mind as I don't have to try and do course work on top of everything else at the moment, but neither do I have to pay back £1800 that I would have had to do if I'd dropped out of the course.
• I called occupational health about a phased return to work. :eek: Bit perturbed that I have to use annual leave for this :rotfl:But I guess I can't expect my boss just to let me wander in and out when I like (Though wouldn't that be a great job!) Occy health say it has to be in line with service demands but I know my boss is worried I might just leave and has assured me I won't be "overwhelmed" when I return to work. Which has led me to worry that I'll be bored :rolls eyes: Still, I don't need to worry about that until March, so don't let me!!!
• And the scariest bit: I made an appointment with employee counselling. Deep breath, deep breath. I'm not sure how that will be!

To try and explain, I know I haven't been feeling "myself" for quite some time and tried occy health counselling in July. It was just a disaster. I don't like talking about my feelings much anyway and I felt a bit like a petulant child so we didn't get anywhere. So nothing changed and I was hugely busy at home and at work, I'd been to at least 6 funerals through work, mum wasn't well, my brother and his wife split up, one of my very close friend's had a very serious illness... and I guess I was just bottling everything up and trying to get on with things.

Except my stress response is to stop eating properly! So I am currently verging on being underweight and I was probably about 16-17 years old the last time I was this weight! I'm still not hugely concerned as, if I manage to put on half a stone, that's probably my "normal" weight! And, as long as I don't lose any more weight, I'll be ok. But my sleeping patterns also go haywire, which makes eating sensibly even more difficult (I hardly want an oven cooked meal at 2am!)

Other people don't see it like that though so I spend my life hearing how unfair it is that I'm eating that cake, or why am I eating fruit when I should be eating cakes or maybe I should get some meat in me (I've been veggie since I was 14) and what is that horrible [veggie] concoction I'm eating, it looks like sick, and it's not fair that I'm a skinny b*tch and why do I go to the gym as I'll waste away etc etc etc. Which is really, really, really frustrating when I am trying so hard to be mentally and physically helathy!

Making a concentrated effort to tackle my debt and to go to the gym has made the world of difference to my mental health. But my sleeping and eating patterns are still all over the place, so, after speaking to my GP, we figured it might be good to give counselling another go! I've been putting off making that phone call as I'm not sure I want to go, that I'll actually even talk when I'm there, what I would even actually talk about... but I've made the call and I'll go to the first appointment, see how I feel and take it from there!

I actually think I'd rather you guys "counsel" me! There's nothing like knowing other people are in the same boat, or have been in it and made it through the storm, to help you through. And knowing how other "normal" (i.e. not qualified counsellors - although some of you may very well be) people got through some pretty horrific stuff just helps put everything in perspective.

*Rant over* I've done all the scary stuff - which means I'm feeling much better as I'd normally put that off. And we'll just have to see how things go...

BILLIE

Well done Nic - have enjoyed reading your thread and seeing how you are coping. You have made the first moves by getting on here and off-loading. I have only done it in small bits and althought I have had my lightbulb moment and am trying so very hard, I still don't think I have actually been truly honest with myself. What makes me feel better is when I see someone's signature line with their debts and they are of a similar total and I think "yep someelse is in the same boat as me". Keep it going and I will check back on you once in a while. Good luck with counselling sessions - maybe just the ticket. Take care Billie xx :T

niccatw

Thanks Billie. It really does help to know you're not the onlt one, doesn't it. Keeping this diary is helping keep me on track and it's good to feel finally in control. I don't think I was honest with myself for ages and that bulb really was flickering. But I feel different about it this time; it needs to be done and the quicker it is, the quicker I can enjoy all the things I've currently put on hold - a fab holiday will definitely be top of the list

Just back from the gym and having trouble lifting my cup of tea up to drink it. The cream egg is, however, causing a lot less trouble

maneki_neko_4

nic, give counselling another try - I had a lot when I was much younger and I think it's made me much more grounded and more able to deal with whatever life throws at me. That's not to say I don't have the odd wobble - in fact since I've had my true LBM a couple of weeks ago I've been feeling quite down and not wanting to do much at all, but I have to see what progress (however small) I'm making and see the positives! Like you I've had flickers for ages, but am determined this time I'm going to crack it!

Well done you for tackling the scary jobs too, these things are never as bad as you think they'll be.

And I totally sympathise with the weight issues too - I've been borderline underweight pretty much all my life (and had all the negative comments), but now I'm in my mid 30s I'm starting to fill out a bit more. Previously being stressed would cause me to drop about a half a stone a week, but now I find I'm staying a much more constant weight. If you're struggling to eat properly, could you make some smoothies with fresh fruit/veg? At least you'll be getting some of the vitamins and minerals you need and they're easy to digest.

I'm really impressed with your total paid off last year, I average about £300 a month at the moment which feels like such a slow slog, but once I've knocked out one credit card (aiming for September) I'm hoping the rest will speed up a little.

My little DFW task for today: posted off old mobile for £5 and got £3.25 cash back through quidco. Baby steps! :T

Enjoy your tea and creme egg!

moo2moo

There are more of us underweight forgetful eaters about than you think. I have days that I have so many things whizzing round my head that it squeezes out the ooh it must be dinner time thoughts and my stomach doesn't begin to rumble until day two of minimal consumption. I've yet to find a solution to it other than making a point of having breakfast regardless of whether I feel like eating purely as one of those things I do between the alarm going off and jumping in the shower.

niccatw

Thank you! It so good to know is isn't just me! Moo2 - I totally do the not really noticing the rumbling stomach thing! Though I'm not so great at the breakfast (I'm more a "fall out of bed at the last possible minute to just about get to work on time" kinda girl, so breakfast always tended to be a couple of cups of coffee when I got to work!).

Maneki - I did get frozen fruit for smoothies but I've not yet done anything with them! That's a good idea - and if I have them for breakfast, that's two birds with one stone

Headed to Sainsbury's last night to make sure I had plenty of things like cereal (those oaty cluster things, but not Jordan's ones as they are too expensive ), cereal bars, soya yoghurts - the kind of stuff I can just grab when I know I should eat something but just don't feel hungry. So that should help.

I did spend almost £40 there though so I do think my £80 budget in my SOA might just have been what I think I spend rather than what I actually spend!!!

Contemplating being a brave soldier and pulling out all my bank staements for the last year to see if that SOA really is what I am spending, or if it's what I'd like to be spending! I think it'll also help set a realistic budget for pressies and emergencies and things like that. Though I am scared I'll find lots of ATM withdrawals without knowing what they are for! Gotta bite the bullet...

And still no word from Bl**dy N Rock. I'm going to have to phone them again, aren't I?

Oh, but I did get all my cleaning stuff from Summer Naturals Now I just have to figure out what it is you do with citric acid to stop your drains smelling!

niccatw

maneki_neko wrote: »

I'm really impressed with your total paid off last year, I average about £300 a month at the moment which feels like such a slow slog, but once I've knocked out one credit card (aiming for September) I'm hoping the rest will speed up a little.

My little DFW task for today: posted off old mobile for £5 and got £3.25 cash back through quidco. Baby steps! :T

Thank you Maneki! It's all thanks to the second job and the lodger. They meant I could make all the mininmum payments and get rid of a couple of overdrafts I've had hanging around for year. If I didn't heve either or both of those two, it would me a much tougher fight!

£300 a month really isn't bad going, so well done you! I completely understand the hard slog part though - it really does come down to learning to celebrate the baby steps! Which are always fab - let's face it, the reason we get through is much more down to the baby steps than the giant leaps. There was only a couple of giant leaps for me to take and then I kinda wobbled on my own on a rock in the middle of a river, before realising I just had to go with the flow and try and enjoy the ride. (Not so easy when, like me, you are terrified of fish!) :rotfl:

So here's to many more baby steps :j

niccatw

So close to having a NSD... but had to pay 10p for parking at the doctors

Tomorrow is another day...

I'm a sucker though... answered my landline (something I never normally do as it's generally some-one I don't know trying to sell me something I don't want, even though I'm signed up to TPS). Anyway it was some-one giving me the chance to "win" a kitchen make-over (obviously never gonna happen as I guess that would mean some-one I don't know got me to believe I wasn't actually "buying" something I didn't want and couldn't afford - and we all know I'm almost cured of that ) However, I still have a kitchen designer coming around to my house tomorrow!

Why don't I seem to know when to use that very useful phrase "No thank you"?

Though have to admit, I'm curious! I have a tiny, oddly shaped kitchen and I'd like to know how much I need to save to get a brand spanking new one. The designer never needs to know that's, at the very least, that's 5 years away . Or that my dad is a joiner and, when I do get around to saving for my wee flat, then it'll be much cheaper to pay my dad to do it!

I knew there was a sensible reason I never answered the landline!

BILLIE

Don't you dare to let that kitchen designer person twist your arm into signing on the dotted line!!

niccatw

It's so tempting though... a whole new kitchen, appliances and all (including a wine cooler!) for less than 5k!

WHAT ON EARTH AM I THINKING!!!!!! Billie, will you come and break my arms so I can't sign on that dotted line!!!!!

On the plus side, I'm off to visit my friend for the next few days so I won't be around to answer those "have you decided yet" phone calls! And my lodger is fab on the phone with these people; he'll just tell them they must have made a mistake as he rents and can they not waste his time. Matter of fact; just like that! Why can't I do that? If some-one at work was suggesting some-thing ridiculous, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them what I thought! It shouldn't be that hard to do the same outside of work, surely!!!!