no wiser than the fool i was before-lyns' debt diary!

lynsayjane

right two hours on...

the lasagne is cooling, looks so yummy my friend might not get it after all cake is in the oven at the moment and curry is done too (thats tonights dinner sorted!)

lots of little bits have been done, all my crap is in the room it belongs, the bedroom is tidy, just needs cleaned now, all my washing for this week is done and drying. just about to clean the loo/sink/shower, then i'll start dusting and polishing throughout follwed by the hoovering! starting to feel a little more like me again!

Mrs_Sparkle

Keep at it Lyns- I've had a weekend like that too and it's bliss to walk around a clean house. Although we've had friends round for lunch today and the dishwasher is working its little heart out with another load still on the counter waiting to go in. Hope you're well...and don't feel too guilty about the gym- we all have our bad days!

LookingAhead

Well done LJ, you've been very productive!

I love it when everything is clean & tidy...especially the bedroom (if you've changed the bedding), it's heavenly!

Wish I could take a peek at your charismatic & lovely tidy, clean flat!

lynsayjane

think i'm gonna have to take a wander over to the old style board, took my cake out the oven to find it resembles more a crispy pancake...so i stuffed a heap of jam on it and scoffed the lot, well i can't waste it can i? :rotfl: :eek:

anyway good news is everything barring the living room and kitchen is finished, the floor in the hall and bathroom has been moped and is drying at the moment.

the bad news is i don't think i'll get all my list done, i put all the 'clean out the cupboard', 'tidy up the wardrobe' crap on it and time wise i don't have any! but everything will be clean in time for 24, i'll just have to do a more long term plan for cupboards etc.

it's been a good weekend though, yesterday i spring cleaned myself, today i spring cleaned the flat! now i just need to spring clean my life and finances and i'll be as close to perfect as can possibly get!

lynsayjane

today feels like the end of a very long and tiring week...yet it's only tuesday. i can't honestly believe how exhausted and crap i feel. it's not even just physical, it's emotional too. coming home from work today an di was fighting back tears. i've got to the point where i'm starting to make mistakes at work, it's really really bad.

i pretty much decided to day to get myself a very quick passport and hopefully get away during my holidays from work the week after next, dunno if i can get a passport that quick tho! the holiday would have to go on my credit card, but right now being debt free needs to take a back seat to feeling like a sane human being. i thought i was doing so well getting myself sorted financially and stuff but i think i've just pushed myself too far. i've never been on holiday, not since i was 16 and my folks paid and took me. i'd never have thought of putting a holiday on credit, i didn't have the money so i didn't go, end of. but right now i think i'm gonna crack up if something doesnt give soon.

what i ideally need is a short time to stop being me, but since that isn't possible i guess a short time away from being this me is needed. or am i being totally stupid? normally i ask my mum these kind of things but i know she'd tell me to just book it, but then she'd in worse debt than me and i think is yet to have a lbm so perhaps not the best judge.

ZTD

lynsayjane wrote:

today feels like the end of a very long and tiring week...yet it's only tuesday. i can't honestly believe how exhausted and crap i feel. it's not even just physical, it's emotional too. coming home from work today an di was fighting back tears. i've got to the point where i'm starting to make mistakes at work, it's really really bad.

Right, what's causing this exhaustion?

lynsayjane wrote:

i pretty much decided to day to get myself a very quick passport and hopefully get away during my holidays from work the week after next, dunno if i can get a passport that quick tho!

You can pay more to get your passport expedited. Mine came through quite quickly, but I did mine before the prices went up - the prices went up because they were talking about pulling people in and measuring them for biometric data.

lynsayjane wrote:

the holiday would have to go on my credit card, but right now being debt free needs to take a back seat to feeling like a sane human being. i thought i was doing so well getting myself sorted financially and stuff but i think i've just pushed myself too far. i've never been on holiday, not since i was 16 and my folks paid and took me. i'd never have thought of putting a holiday on credit, i didn't have the money so i didn't go, end of. but right now i think i'm gonna crack up if something doesnt give soon.

Look for the late cheapee holidays such as lastminute.com etc. You can have a very cheap holiday if you're not bothered where you go.

lynsayjane wrote:

what i ideally need is a short time to stop being me, but since that isn't possible i guess a short time away from being this me is needed. or am i being totally stupid?

You're being very opaque and confusing. Would it not be better to start at the beginning? Maybe enlighten us?

lynsayjane

don't think i could name one particular thing thats causing it really, tho the confusion in my love life at the moment isn't helping, maybe thats the final straw type thing. it's a hard time being a dfw as you all know, it's even harder doing it without the support of someone close to you. none of my friends are close enough or properly understand further than 'lyns is skint' and my family aren't great either. don't get me wrong, i love them all greatly but i don't actually know anyone who has done the whole lbm/dfw thing. and there is only so much i feel i can discuss on a forum like this.

i've never really known what i want long term from like, i change my career goals as often as i do my undies! i feel like i'm coasting along with no fixed destination, i know i need to find something i want to do or achieve, some kind of goal to work towards, but i change my mind so often it's hard to do. i can't even remember my motivation to get debt free either! my job at the moment is great, i have such fun, but there isn't the money in fitness that i'd look to make from a proper career and it's one of a chain of 'pay the bills until...' jobs.

as for my love life, well i'm not going into detail here, but basically i thought i'd met someone who seemed perfect, but somethings not right and i'm trying to find out what but he's being sparse with communication shall we say. i'm trying to just carry on with things and forget about it, but i think it's getting to me more than i care to admit.

friends, well i can't tell you the last time i spoke to most of them. last time i tried to call one particular girl was to celebrate getting my bank charges back at the start of the month, after replying to my text to say well done she promptly ignored all my calls and hasn't got in touch since! whats that all about???

i guess in a nutshell i feel i'm achieving nothing and doing the same things day in day out with no firm idea of why. the holiday i suppose is my way of taking a little time out to try and sort my head out and decide what i want, if this guy is worth waiting for, and where i want to go in life. i hate to say it at 25, but i seriously need to stop acting like a child.

thanks zed, i know i can get a cheap enough holiday if i'm not bothered where i go, and i'm pretty much not, i have a few places i'd love to see but i think this is more a relax in the sun type of holiday rather than a i want to see/do this. i'm gonna do a google search on passports and find out if there is any chance of getting it in time etc.

Deb73

Hi lynsayjane,

I just read your whole thread. I'm impressed that you are doing this all on your own and can understand why you are struggling. I just had my lbm a week ago and am still full of enthusiasm but I can see from reading on this web site that there are lows to be expected. Just imagine how much worse we'd both be feeling if we were still digging the hole deeper...

I can see you've got a case of what Holly Golightly would call the 'mean reds' (sorry just watched breakfast at tiffanys - recommended if you want to smile and go 'aaah' at the end of a film and Audrey Hepburn is gorgeous...). It makes me wish I were still in Aberdeen so I could buy you a drink and we could form a mutual dfw appreciation society...

I can tell you that at 25 i was working dead-end bar jobs and got made redundant when I broke my arm. I decided to go work overseas (the wages for bar work and waitressing in Europe are actually worth earning) and after a couple of years got my head together went back to uni and recently completed my professional training. I even found a husband along the way. And if I can do that then anyone can.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a rather long winded way is that I know we are with you 100% and it does get better.

But you know that anyway...

LookingAhead

Hello LJ, I've been away from the boards a bit recently so am only just catching up.

I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling down. Deb73 got it spot on with the "man reds" too! (Yes great film Debs....can I suggest also read the book if you haven't already? Hollywood can't deal with anything less than perfect endings that's all I'm saying......;))

LJ, I don't want to sound like a man hater, cos I'm anything but. But no man, nay no human being no matter what the gender, is worth waiting for. Life speeds up every year hon. You have to enjoy life the best you can while you can....and if that means sometimes doing things alone, then so be it.

Not only do you grow in confidence the more you do things without someone else holding your hand, you get to be a great conversationalist too when you wow people with your tales of adventure.....:D Sometimes by being independent you become more appealing too, I've noticed...

Get out there hon. I know it's hard being a DFW....I've chosen not to go out & do stuff because I've run up so much debt 'going out & doing stuff' for years gone by *however* I did not have the wisdom of this site. If you can get away cheaply and manage the bills, then it's your life, you must enjoy it.

Cliché yes, but true: life is not a rehearsal.

Don't ever use that as a reason to be financially reckless (lest you end up like me :rolleyes:) but, if you are not the kind of person who can deal with being a strict DFW all the time without going insane, then challenge yourself to do fun, exciting or just plain different things....but at a manageable budget level.

Live for the moment? I can get my head around that....but in all honesty you have to keep one eye on the future too else the cost of it all will come back and bite you on the a$$.

Hope you feel better soon babe.

LA xx

lynsayjane

cheers you guys...you almost made me cry there!

i'm gonna take this moment to steal minnie's song lyrics thing and give you a piece of my mind through the words of james morrison (two of his songs are all i can listen to at the moment...)

'who am i to dream, dreams are for fools, they let you down....
well i know it's a wonderful world but i can't feel it right now,
i thought that i was doing well but i just wanna cry now
well i know that it's a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea,
but i can only see it when your here with me'

i did my tarot cards last night, i know not everyone believes in that kind of thing, i'm not 100% sure i do, but i keep an open mind and would ask you to do the same while visiting my home (thread!). one of them was the tower which can symbolise pride before a fall. that kinda feels like whats happening here, everything seemed to be going well, my dfwness was working well, i was loving my work, i felt popular and met a wonderful man. i guess i thought life was starting to turn my way.

today i had a very bad work day which is now resulting in my making an official complaint about a collegue who makes me feel intimidated and threatened, today she actually grabbed me and growled 'don't think your smart misses because your not' she also said 'you dare' when i tried to go to the office to tell a manager...my response (in my head anyway!) ... 'yes i do dare!' he's asked me to put it in writing and we're speaking to the top manager on saturday. i'm not feeling like that in a job i love! end of! and !!!!!! her if she thinks i'll lie down and put up with it.


anyway...it's day 31, the end of the first month and on eleventh through my goal for the perfect year. i know it's far from it but, if you'll forgive my self indulgence (it is my thread after all) i'm going to list the things i've achieved so far and what my next steps and bad bits are...this may run on for a bit so feel free to grab a cuppa tea before starting!

achievements in january...
- finally received my bank charges refund, savings account +800odd squids :j
- closed two of my current accounts and transferred all dd's to a&l account, now just waiting on od results so i can transfer that and close the last account
- lost a small amount of weight and body fat (next weigh in tomo so i'll post final results then) diet hasn't been perfect but it's going in the right direction!
- done very well with making home made meals and not buying lunches, though being honest i've always been good at that
- made a few new friends, couple of them have the look of becoming good ones too
- i've started being better to myself and starting to like myself better. i've found hair stuff that makes me happier with that, i've been using holiday skin tan stuff and generally sorting my physical appearence. if i'm looking good i feel good.
erm i think thats all i can remember... doesn't seem like much but i can only get better next month!

bad points...
- letting another man in to break my heart, this is going to be the last for now. i'm staying away from guys till i get my life properly sorted out. next time a man causes trouble i want it to be the only trouble i have! much easier to deal with then!
- not being quite so good with the budgetting/moneysaving stuff. i admit it i've been a bad dfw recently. i could blame the post xmas/new year stuff but sod it, i was weak and must try harder.
- i've done nothing to the house either, if i dont go away on my holidays i'm aiming to get the kitchen and hall finished, i don't need to buy much/anything so it should be cheap, and time won't be a problem either!

next steps...
- get my final account closed to simplify my finances
- pay off my one card once 0% finishes on my next bill
- sort out a budget for spends on my skycard (cashback type thing)
- get more quidco/pigsback savings on the go!
- start working on the house, even if it's a little job a week
- keep working at the diet and gyming and keep working on making me happier with myself
- start trying to see my friends more often, even if it's just for dvd's. think last night was the first time i'd done anything other than work/work out since new year!

right thats enough to be getting on with for now, slow and steady wins the race and all that!

as for the holidays...i've pretty much decided to do the 2 week check and send passport thingy, it means i may not get it sorted for going on holiday this month, BUT it costs the same as normal and means i'll actually have a passport which is step in the right direction for my eventual goal of a holiday once i get debt free. i'll pop into the post office tomorrow to get the forms.

thank you for all the good wishes and encouragement you guys give, it means a great deal to me and helps more than i can find the words to say

(deb i wish you were in aberdeen too, it'd be great to have a dfw friend locally! tho i'm hoping to be down your way for the day this weekend!)

xxx