After an affair

jackieglasgow

Wow, there's some really harsh judgements on here. Maybe he's feeling guilty and trying not to rock the boat. Maybe he is missing her, maybe he's waiting for you to blow your top, maybe he wishes he had ended it with you. The bottom line in that you need to ask him. Don't take no for an answer, if you fail to communicate whilst trying to repair your marriage, you won't be able to repair it. I wish you all the luck and love in the world. X

JBD

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Well take away all sexual disease, any problems at all with sleeping with more than one partner, no legal, no marital, no pregnancy, jealousy, absolutely nothing being put in the way of sleeping with who you like.
You think all men would go to their grave without sleeping with anyone but their wife?
Of course not, so we are ruled by our desire, but it is tempered by reality.

Yes that may be true. It may also be true of women. Personally I have met women who enjoy sex in the same way that men do so I don't believe there is one rule for men and another for women. The fact remains that in our society the majority expect a monogamous relationship to be exactly that. Not one person being faithful and the other going behind their backs. Theoretically all men and women could cheat, if they were careful enough not to get caught out but the fact remains that some people choose to be faithful whilst others choose to cheat.

mackemdave

basil1998 wrote: »

i am sorry to hear this but i am one who says a leopard never changes it spots . and with in time i think it would happen again . im sorry to be staight to the point .

Absolute rubbish !!!! ....it can be sorted ..... why do people have to take the negative route every time

Good luck to OP

Mrs.O_3

I haven't read all of the other posts fully but wanted to reply anyway.

The OP said 'That was last week'

It's only been a week! It's possible that he doesn't even know what he's feeling himself yet. After a jolt like that in a relationship it can take a while to get one's emotions straight. Perhaps they both just need some time to accept what has happened before anything else?

bouncydog1

You've only been aware of this for a week - when this sort of thing happens a week is no time at all I'm afraid. Life as you knew it, will never be the same again (it can be better, but this will take time).

You need to have this out with your OH - sod his feelings - what about yours? O.K. you really love him, but marriage is a partnership and it takes two people to make this work.

He has totally upset your world and you wonder why he did it, what did you do to make him do it, what didn't you do etc. etc.

Everybody deals with these things differently - some people push them under the carpet and try to carry on as normal. I don't personally think this helps as one day all of these feelings are going to explode onto the surface.

You also have to have it out with him because until you do, you are going to worry that he will start to see this other woman again (and he may well do that), worry if he is late for dinner, worry that he will leave you etc. etc. Remember you did not choose to have an affair - your OH did - and he owes it to you to explain why he did it.

You can come out of this with a much stronger relationship that you ever thought possible - but it will take time and effort on both your parts and the will to want to move through this part of your lives. Good luck.

Pollycat

Caroline73 wrote: »

Your husband has just be forced to end a relationship because you caught him out. He is miserable because he was forced into a decision, he didn't voluntarily end the other relationship.

He isn't sorry for his affair, he's sorry he got caught and made to choose.

Where does the OP say that she FORCED her OH to finish the affair?
How do you KNOW that he's not sorry about the affair?
The OP says he is - what reason do you have not to believe her?
Who said he was MADE to choose?

The OP hasn't said how long this affair lasted.
I can see her OH having a miserable face if the affair had lasted a number of months and was starting to (or had already got) serious.

The only way the OP is going to move this forward is to talk to her OH.

Caroline73_2

Pollycat wrote: »

Where does the OP say that she FORCED her OH to finish the affair?
How do you KNOW that he's not sorry about the affair?
The OP says he is - what reason do you have not to believe her?
Who said he was MADE to choose?

The OP hasn't said how long this affair lasted.
I can see her OH having a miserable face if the affair had lasted a number of months and was starting to (or had already got) serious.

The only way the OP is going to move this forward is to talk to her OH.

I didn't say SHE forced him but he was forced into the situation where he had to make a decision as I ASSUME (I don't know) that when he found out that his wife knew, he couldn't just carry on with both relationships.

The OP asked what we thought, not what we knew. Don't have a go at me, I offered the same advice as you and said that they needed to discuss it.

My OPINION is that the husband isn't sorry. If he was then I would THINK that he would have stopped the affair (or not even started it) before his wife found out, not stopped just because he got caught.

Those are might THOUGHTS on the subject of infidelity in general. I have applied to the OP's situation as asked by the OP.

ncsmummy

In our sitution is was a very messy, drawn out thing - there was no resolution for quite a while. Everyone had their opinion on wht I SHOULD do but at the end of the day I follwed my own feelings on it. I always said if he ever cheated on me I would leave him but things are very different in the situation.
These things are very complicated, emotions run high. The very early days are hard - there is readjusting to do and things to talk about. It is very very hard to hear the truth but very important! Talking is the only way forward - take it a step at a time. There is too much to take in all at once!!!
The ideal thing for op to do i sit down with her husband and talk. He is probably feeling dreadful, not sure about what is going to happen and es very possibly upset at the end of the relationship as I know my DH was. I made it very clear to him that I was very very hurt, angry, upset etc - he was never in any doubt of that! I wasnt prepared to sugarcoat things for him and make him 'feel better' about it all but at the same tim once I knew what he was looking so unhappy about ad that despite this he really DID want to make it work then I commited myself to taking the time it needed to work things out!
No idea if this mkes sense!! Despite being a while ago it is still a VERY paiful memory but just wanted to let the op know that she is not alone with this and that whilst it is hard it does get better!!!!!

Tamsin_Temrin

Husband may be playing miserable to convince wifey he is genuine sorry about upsetting her - may not be real.

Also may be wound up because wifey doesnt look as stressed as he thought she would and wondering exactly how upset she is and how committed she is to the marriage - bring on emotional blackmail - look how miserable I am at the thought of losing you. Just in case he finds himself dumped. Nothing like wanting something because you think you might lose it.

Cynical is a valid point of view

Pollycat

Caroline73 wrote: »

I didn't say SHE forced him but he was forced into the situation where he had to make a decision as I ASSUME (I don't know) that when he found out that his wife knew, he couldn't just carry on with both relationships.

The OP asked what we thought, not what we knew. Don't have a go at me, I offered the same advice as you and said that they needed to discuss it.

My OPINION is that the husband isn't sorry. If he was then I would THINK that he would have stopped the affair (or not even started it) before his wife found out, not stopped just because he got caught.

Those are might THOUGHTS on the subject of infidelity in general. I have applied to the OP's situation as asked by the OP.

But it doesn't say anywhere in the OP's posts that he was FORCED to end the affiar.
He may have decided to do it willingly to save his marriage.
I'm not having a go at you, just pointing out that you've made (imho) sweeping assumtions with no basis in fact.
You've implied that the OP is lying when she says her OH is sorry and that he is lying too when he's said he's sorry.
He may be VERY sorry about the affair - you stated that

He isn't sorry for his affair, he's sorry he got caught and made to choose.

That's a direct contradiction of what the OP says in her first post.
You didn't say it was your OPINION.