After an affair

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Obviously you need to go away and reread my first post then, because I said to find out what her OH thought was missing or wrong, I didn't say she'd done anything wrong.
I don't think I laid the blame on anyone, I know nothing about the situation, not something you have a problem with I see?

Fair enough if you truly aren't blaming her. I just think that this isn't all her responsibility to fix! I hope he's willing to make as much if not even more effort in all this.

I do agree though with the previous poster who pointed out that often men cheat just because they feel like sex with someone else and think they can get away with it!

ncsmummy

I have been there! Hubby had an affair for 18 months with someone from work and when I found out I went to hell and back!!! Our situation has ended up unusually but I dont want to go into it here. At the end of the day though our marriage is stronger for it! He knows he f****d up and he knows how close he was to losing everything. There is no question that if he ever cheats on me again it is game over - no going back. He appreciates our marriage much more now.
To start with i handled it much the same as you - carrying on as normal because I simply wasnt strong enough emotionally to have it all out in the open - in fact to be honest it is only quite recently that I have felt secure enough in our relationship and strong enough to ask all the things I wanted to know back then!!!! My husband was quite down to start with - as another poster said he felt sad for the end of that relationship - feelings dont disappear overnight but he had made the decision that he wanted to be with me and so he just went through it and came out the other side. Also though he was feeling guilty because he felt so bad for putting me through all that - in fact to this day if the subject comes up somehow he tells me how sorry he is for doing it to me.
You cant turn back time and undo what has happened but you can move forward from it if that is what you want. Yes the trust is gone and I am not going to lie to you - it takes a long time to feel completely secure again but it is possible!! If you talk it out with him please remember to listen to what he say and try not to get too upset with what you hear. In discussions me and OH have had he has said something that came out badly so I always asked him exactly what he meant so things didnt get blown out of proportion where it wasnt needed.
I wish you lots of luck in getting things sorted and lots of happiness and best wishes for the future xxx

JBD

Person_one wrote: »

Fair enough if you truly aren't blaming her. I just think that this isn't all her responsibility to fix! I hope he's willing to make as much if not even more effort in all this.

I do agree though with the previous poster who pointed out that often men cheat just because they feel like sex with someone else and think they can get away with it!

If you are referring to my posts I would just like to mention that I said 'people' not 'men'. Women cheat as well and they are equally responsible for their actions. Sometimes these threads turn into a war of the sexes and that isn't helpful to anyone.

ninky_2

before my current marriage i had two longterm relationships. in each of those cases the other person had an affair, i forgave them, the relationship seemed better than ever etc etc but each time they ended up being unfaithful again (with a different person) and leaving me for that person.

maybe it is possible for people to work through why affairs happened and for it not to happen again but i know that i would never ever take someone back who has been unfaithful to me again. in both cases i gave my all to the relationships. i'm convinced there is nothing more i could have done to make it work. i really do think some people are more capable of cheating than others and that having done it once they are capable of doing it again. the only reason they don't is if the chance of a relationship with someone they consider a better bet than you doesn't arise.

did your husband end his affair because her realised you were a better bet than the woman he was having the affair with? e.g. maybe she wasn't able to commit to a longer relationship with him, maybe they weren't compatible etc. if so, i would doubt his motivations. what happens if he meets someone else who is able to commit to a relationship with him and who he is compatible with?

i think fidelity has eveything to do with loyalty and less to do with our ability to love our partner more than another person. we could all find someone else we could fall in love with.

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

Fair enough if you truly aren't blaming her. I just think that this isn't all her responsibility to fix! I hope he's willing to make as much if not even more effort in all this.

I do agree though with the previous poster who pointed out that often men cheat just because they feel like sex with someone else and think they can get away with it!

It might not be her responsibility to fix it, but if she wants her relationship back on track and he's not going to do it, then she has to. Or as Pollycat says, next month she'll be back saying the same thing. Or saying how miserable they both are.

As for saying men cheat because they want sex with someone else. Men are genetically programmed to want sex with more than one person, so we have what I call the penis effect, your mind goes blank and you have great difficulty thinking of anything else. That's not to say you don't love your OH, want to hurt or leave her.

The way we get round it nowadays, is to talk about sex and have lots of books, people and films which offer us advice to spice it up and keep each other happy. That's the carrot, we also have the big stick of divorce and lives being ruined.

Btw, I'm not saying this is purely a male trait, some females are like it as well.

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

It might not be her responsibility to fix it, but if she wants her relationship back on track and he's not going to do it, then she has to. Or as Pollycat says, next month she'll be back saying the same thing. Or saying how miserable they both are.

As for saying men cheat because they want sex with someone else. Men are genetically programmed to want sex with more than one person, so we have what I call the penis effect, your mind goes blank and you have great difficulty thinking of anything else. That's not to say you don't love your OH, want to hurt or leave her.

The way we get round it nowadays, is to talk about sex and have lots of books, people and films which offer us advice to spice it up and keep each other happy. That's the carrot, we also have the big stick of divorce and lives being ruined.

Btw, I'm not saying this is purely a male trait, some females are like it as well.

Gagh, excuses! I enjoy sex as much as anybody but I am not willing to believe that half the population is ruled by their reproductive organs! That's not a world I'm happy living in, especially when you consider who runs most of the countries/big corporations etc!

Anyway, I'm derailing the OPs thread, sorry. Relate, definitely Relate.

ninky_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

It might not be her responsibility to fix it, but if she wants her relationship back on track and he's not going to do it, then she has to. Or as Pollycat says, next month she'll be back saying the same thing. Or saying how miserable they both are.

As for saying men cheat because they want sex with someone else. Men are genetically programmed to want sex with more than one person, so we have what I call the penis effect, your mind goes blank and you have great difficulty thinking of anything else. That's not to say you don't love your OH, want to hurt or leave her.

The way we get round it nowadays, is to talk about sex and have lots of books, people and films which offer us advice to spice it up and keep each other happy. That's the carrot, we also have the big stick of divorce and lives being ruined.

Btw, I'm not saying this is purely a male trait, some females are like it as well.

i don't think the evidence is conclusive on this. cultural and environmental factors have a big part to play in sexual behaviour. in many non-western countries anthropologists have found no gender differences when it comes to infidelity. i think in our society culturally men probably get a bigger self esteem boost from a sexual conquest than women.

if her OH is not prepared to put the work into the relationship is doesn't matter what she does, it's not going to work.

yoni_one

iknownothing wrote: »

But I cant stand this miserable face. Surely it should be me what looks miserable not him.

I've ask him and he's says he's fine and nothing is wrong.:undecided
What do you think?

Instead of asking him what's up you could take ownership of your feelings and tell him that all is not well with you because you can see that he is miserable and you don't understand why.

You can tell also him that instead of worrying about why he looks and acts miserable it is your expectation that he support you as you recover from the shock of his infidelity.

Maybe, once you focus on you and share this with him, the impact not only the affair has had on you but the impact of his subsequent behaviour, then maybe he will start talking about it - but also beware that once you open this box you may hear things you don't want to hear, so, if you can do it in a professional setting with a mediator or counsellor ie Relate as suggested previously, it may help keep things from potentially exploding on either side.

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

but I am not willing to believe that half the population is ruled by their reproductive organs!

Well take away all sexual disease, any problems at all with sleeping with more than one partner, no legal, no marital, no pregnancy, jealousy, absolutely nothing being put in the way of sleeping with who you like.
You think all men would go to their grave without sleeping with anyone but their wife?
Of course not, so we are ruled by our desire, but it is tempered by reality.

Caroline73_2

iknownothing wrote: »

My husband has been having an affair with another woman. I found out and he ended it. I want to make a go of my marriage, I really want it to work.
I have been being normal and cheerful. I havent been making him suffer. Suppose I've just acted like nothing has happened.
He said he was sorry and hasnt seen her since. That was just over a week ago. He did at first seem to be really trying, and even now he hasnt done anything wrong, that I could tell you he does this that and the other.
Sometimes he seem okay, but a lot of the time he seem really miserable. He was the one who begged for us to try and to let him show me how much he's sorry and loves me.
But I cant stand this miserable face. Surely it should be me what looks miserable not him.
I love him so much and cant imagine my life without him. But whats wrong, if its me he want whats up with him.
I've ask him and he's says he's fine and nothing is wrong.:undecided
What do you think?

Your husband has just be forced to end a relationship because you caught him out. He is miserable because he was forced into a decision, he didn't voluntarily end the other relationship.

He isn't sorry for his affair, he's sorry he got caught and made to choose.

You say it was just over a week ago and then use the phrase 'at first', surely after only a week things shouldn't have changed.

If you want to forgive and move on you need to tell him that you understand he is hurting from the end of the other relationship but you need to work through your own relationship. You cannot pretend nothing has happened or else you are deluding yourselves.

I hope you can work through it if that's what you both want.