After an affair

iknownothing

My husband has been having an affair with another woman. I found out and he ended it. I want to make a go of my marriage, I really want it to work.
I have been being normal and cheerful. I havent been making him suffer. Suppose I've just acted like nothing has happened.
He said he was sorry and hasnt seen her since. That was just over a week ago. He did at first seem to be really trying, and even now he hasnt done anything wrong, that I could tell you he does this that and the other.
Sometimes he seem okay, but a lot of the time he seem really miserable. He was the one who begged for us to try and to let him show me how much he's sorry and loves me.
But I cant stand this miserable face. Surely it should be me what looks miserable not him.
I love him so much and cant imagine my life without him. But whats wrong, if its me he want whats up with him.
I've ask him and he's says he's fine and nothing is wrong.:undecided
What do you think?

bugsaboo

hi
not sure you're going to like this, but I think he's probably feeling a bit down because they've split. in the same way most people do when a relationship ended. but he doesn't want to tell you this because you'll be (rightly) upset.
it's a difficult one because you've done nothing wrong in the situation and you shouldn't really have to deal with him being upset but equally he can't just turn off his feelings (if he could he'd probably not be someone you'd want to be married to?)
why did he have an affair? have you talked about that? are you going to relate or anything? have you said how you felt or are you trying to ignore it all? it has happened for a reason and you need to get to the bottom of that before you can move on, that means understanding why he did it and responding to that even if it's hard on you.
i just want to say as well, despite what a lot of people do say on here, you can get through this and have a better (stronger) marriage afterwards.
it sounds like you really want it to work so that's a good starting point.....
big hugs to you

floss2

Have been in your shoes and it is not nice.

Maybe you both need to sit down and open up about why the affair started, how you & he feel about it, how you and he each think you should recover from it and move on. Have you thought about counselling?

Acting as though nothing has happened is not the best way to be - he may think that you aren't bothered about why he had the affair, and not bothered about repairing your marriage, if you are showing that in your behaviour.

Lotus-eater

You really need to find out why he had the affair. Whats wrong, or is missing that he went somewhere else for it?
Then you may find out why he's miserable. I hope it works out for you both.

brians_daughter

You need to talk about it - just getting on with life wont last long. Or it didnt in my case. You need to have a discussion, not an argument -as to why he needed to have the affair, what you can do together as a married couple to ensure it doesnt happen again. You need to move on as a couple and i dont think you can do that by carrying in as if nothing has happened. An ideal way of doing ths is not to launch into a 'whats up love?' type conversation but maybe text him at work and say 'this evening i want us to talk ' assure him its not a bad thing, or a dressing down but you really want to talk to him!

He is probably wondering why everything is so normal! Hopefully (in the nicest possible way) he will have many regrets about what he has done
and is probably realising what a plonker he has been...

The other side of the coin is he may be wondering if he has made a mistake ending it - sorry i dont mean to sound harsh, or rude but it is a possibility

We talked our way through my oh's affair. It took months for me to trust him again, maybe 8 months.

But now, 3 years later i can honestly say its the best thing that ever happened to us - i know this sounds strange, but he knows he is on last chance, no more mess ups. He realises what a plonker he was and to this day finds it hard to understand how he did it knowing how much hurt it would cause me and the family. We now have a much better relationship, we realise we love each other and we talk about anything that comes up.

We both understand where the other one is 99% of the time - i mean mentally and in the relationship, not physically - that would just be strange lol

Well done for forgiving and i hope you make it work!

basil1998

i am sorry to hear this but i am one who says a leopard never changes it spots . and with in time i think it would happen again . im sorry to be staight to the point .

JBD

Well there's quite a few reasons why he could be acting like this.
Perhaps he cared for this other woman and is missing her.
Perhaps he is confused as to why you appear to be taking it so well. He probably expected you to be crying and angry so it is probably a blow to his ego for you not to react in this way.
Perhaps he just wants to put the affair behind him and get back to normal.
Whatever it is you don't really seem to have talked about the whole thing.I think most women in your situation would want to discuss it a little bit more. If you do then I think you have a right to. You shouldn't feel as if you have to bottle things up so as not to rock the boat.
Hoping things work out for you. Best of luck.

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You really need to find out why he had the affair. Whats wrong, or is missing that he went somewhere else for it?
Then you may find out why he's miserable. I hope it works out for you both.

This is dangerously close to blaming the OP for her husband's infidelity. If there were issues in the marriage he should have disccussed with his wife, possibly gone into counselling or even left her. There is no excuse for betraying her like this and she is not responsible for his actions, he's a grown man he could have stopped himself!

OP, I agree with others that relate would be a good idea. This is a lot to deal with without help.

Snowmoredebt

Hi
You say your acting cheerful and normal so he doesnt suffer, but if your hurt and upset this will show in your eyes. He may see this and just feel totally ashamed of how he has behaved and hurt you.
I would also question why he had an affair then discuss a way forward.
I really hope things work out for you.

Pollycat

iknownothing wrote: »

My husband has been having an affair with another woman. I found out and he ended it. I want to make a go of my marriage, I really want it to work.
I have been being normal and cheerful. I havent been making him suffer. Suppose I've just acted like nothing has happened.
He said he was sorry and hasnt seen her since. That was just over a week ago. He did at first seem to be really trying, and even now he hasnt done anything wrong, that I could tell you he does this that and the other.
Sometimes he seem okay, but a lot of the time he seem really miserable. He was the one who begged for us to try and to let him show me how much he's sorry and loves me.
But I cant stand this miserable face. Surely it should be me what looks miserable not him.
I love him so much and cant imagine my life without him. But whats wrong, if its me he want whats up with him.
I've ask him and he's says he's fine and nothing is wrong.:undecided
What do you think?

I agree with other posters who say you need to discuss why your OH had the affair.
Acting like nothing has happened isn't going to work for you in the long run.
You need to find out what the problems were (on both sides) and discuss how things are going to change in the future.

Pollycat

Lotus-eater wrote: »

You really need to find out why he had the affair. Whats wrong, or is missing that he went somewhere else for it?
Then you may find out why he's miserable. I hope it works out for you both.

Person_one wrote: »

This is dangerously close to blaming the OP for her husband's infidelity. If there were issues in the marriage he should have disccussed with his wife, possibly gone into counselling or even left her. There is no excuse for betraying her like this and she is not responsible for his actions, he's a grown man he could have stopped himself!

I don't agree that Lotus-eater's post is 'dangerously close to blaming the OP'.
He did have the affair, almost all people who have an affair are unhappy in their relationship or feel that something is missing.
That doesn't mean that the OP is in any way to blame but it DOES mean that she needs to find out what her OH perceived was wrong with the relationship - otherwise she'll be posting the same thing on here next month, next year or sometime down the line.