After an affair

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

This is dangerously close to blaming the OP for her husband's infidelity. If there were issues in the marriage he should have disccussed with his wife, possibly gone into counselling or even left her. There is no excuse for betraying her like this and she is not responsible for his actions, he's a grown man he could have stopped himself!.

Maybe you misunderstood, I was blaming it on the relationship.

Maybe it's all his fault, maybe not, I would suggest that we don't know.

I look at it from a purely male POV, because that's what I am. What I suggest, is maybe what the male husband may understand.

pigpen

BTDT.. I 'tolerated' my exs (KH) fling for 3 months.. until he came home with 'lice' that was the final straw he was asked to leave and didn't... and eventually he did.

2 years previous to this he had accused me of having an affair.. no grounds other than paranoia.

He left and came back to patch things up etc.. He made my life a living hell.. every argument disagreement and minor misdemeanour meant it was thrown in my face... and I had done absolutely nothing!!

I guess what I am trying to say.. There are issues that MUST be resolved.. right now before they build a resentment.

you must discuss this.. you have quetions, you mst have it would not be natural to not have and as painful as it may be to hear the truth you must hear it or how can you move forward?

Silly things like, why was he attracted to her in the first place? Did he actually consider your feelings at all? You need answers in order to gain closure. IF you don't think you can both be this honest without it devolving into an argument then mabe something like relate would be helpful as it is a neutral ground with a neutral party to keep things on topic.

I really do wish you well and hope you can resolve this.. but.. I would urge you to look at the relationship you have and evaluate it and think about whether it is a place you want to be long term.. starting over is a huge step but not always the wrong one.

YOU have the 'upper hand' here.. you are the victim, the injured party. What you get from this is down to what you want for your future.. and I don't mean you to make unreasonable demands.

He probably feels stupid for being caught out, embarrassed and guilty.. if he doesn't.. he should! He deserves to feel miserable does he really think you are enjoying this?

Go write a list of questions you need answering, sit him down and talk about this.. a bottle of wine and a takeaway might help.. if you have to.. each of you take 5-10 minutes talking without the other interrupting and see where you end up.

Be prepared though that he might not actually want to be with you but feels unable to just say it because he does care for you and not want to hurt you.

hugest of hugs.. it is a crappy position to be in!

JBD

Pollycat wrote: »

I don't agree that Lotus-eater's post is 'dangerously close to blaming the OP'.
He did have the affair, almost all people who have an affair are unhappy in their relationship or feel that something is missing.
That doesn't mean that the OP is in any way to blame but it DOES mean that she needs to find out what her OH perceived was wrong with the relationship - otherwise she'll be posting the same thing on here next month, next year or sometime down the line.

This isn't neccessarily true. They may just enjoy having sex with different people whilst still enjoying the benefits of a stable relationship. Some people just feel entitled to cheat for various reasons. To say people cheat because 'there was something missing in the relationship' is often just a cop out IMO. Is there ever such a thing as a perfect relationship with nothing missing?

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Maybe you misunderstood, I was blaming it on the relationship.

Maybe it's all his fault, maybe not, I would suggest that we don't know.

I look at it from a purely male POV, because that's what I am. What I suggest, is maybe what the male husband may understand.

Even if there were problems in the relationship that they share responsibility for, having an affair is completely his responsibility. He wasn't forced to and I'm fairly sure he didn't see it as a possible solution to all their problems.

Yes, they need to talk and as I suggested go to relate or similar so that they can move forward in a way that makes them both happy but it really irks me that every time some poor woman is betrayed like this, so many people's first response is to tell her to examine her own behaviour, think about what she did wrong. She's the injured party here.

Lotus-eater

JBD wrote: »

This isn't neccessarily true. They may just enjoy having sex with different people whilst still enjoying the benefits of a stable relationship. Some people just feel entitled to cheat for various reasons. To say people cheat because 'there was something missing in the relationship' is often just a cop out IMO. Is there ever such a thing as a perfect relationship with nothing missing?

I think you'll find Pollycat said
almost all people who have an affair are unhappy in their relationship or feel that something is missing.

See that "almost" in there?

Of course some people just like sleeping with other people (probably about half the male population if they could get away with it, or no one would ever know) and it's not always down to sex y'know, which is why I didn't mention it.

paddy's_mum

What on earth do you mean when you write "what's up with him"?

Are you really so wrapped up in your own view of it all that you cannot even begin to understand that when someone's life has been turned upside down, even if it is by their own stupidity, they might not be joyous and smiling?

How about wondering if he's feeling guilt, remorse, pity, doubt, regret, humiliation, lost dreams ... a grain of sympathy from you might take both of you a long way down the road of true reconciliation.

I fully expect to be flamed for this response but I'd point this out. I was once lucky to escape from a devastating house fire. Yes, I'd managed to save my life though lost almost everything I owned. Was my thinking 'oh good, I've survived so that's alright then - big knees-up next week, folks?' No, I was desperately unhappy for months, suffered a breakdown and was depressed and psychologically disturbed for a very long time.

You're only a week into repairing a broken marriage and you expect him to be cheerful?!

DVardysShadow

JBD wrote: »

Well there's quite a few reasons why he could be acting like this.
Perhaps he cared for this other woman and is missing her.
Perhaps he is confused as to why you appear to be taking it so well. He probably expected you to be crying and angry so it is probably a blow to his ego for you not to react in this way.
Perhaps he just wants to put the affair behind him and get back to normal.
Whatever it is you don't really seem to have talked about the whole thing.I think most women in your situation would want to discuss it a little bit more. If you do then I think you have a right to. You shouldn't feel as if you have to bottle things up so as not to rock the boat.
Hoping things work out for you. Best of luck.

Perhaps too he feels guilty and is staring at the prospect of being in the relationship and feeling guilty for years. No reason for him not to feel that way, but then it doesn't do the relationship any good if it continues.

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

Even if there were problems in the relationship that they share responsibility for, having an affair is completely his responsibility. He wasn't forced to and I'm fairly sure he didn't see it as a possible solution to all their problems.

Yes, they need to talk and as I suggested go to relate or similar so that they can move forward in a way that makes them both happy but it really irks me that every time some poor woman is betrayed like this, so many people's first response is to tell her to examine her own behaviour, think about what she did wrong. She's the injured party here.

Obviously you need to go away and reread my first post then, because I said to find out what her OH thought was missing or wrong, I didn't say she'd done anything wrong.
I don't think I laid the blame on anyone, I know nothing about the situation, not something you have a problem with I see?

JBD

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I think you'll find Pollycat said
almost all people who have an affair are unhappy in their relationship or feel that something is missing.

See that "almost" in there?

Of course some people just like sleeping with other people (probably about half the male population if they could get away with it, or no one would ever know) and it's not always down to sex y'know, which is why I didn't mention it.

Yes I did notice the 'almost all' in the post. That is what I am disagreeing with.IMO the majority of cheaters do so because they want to and they think they can get away with it.

JBD

paddy's_mum wrote: »

What on earth do you mean when you write "what's up with him"?

Are you really so wrapped up in your own view of it all that you cannot even begin to understand that when someone's life has been turned upside down, even if it is by their own stupidity, they might not be joyous and smiling?

How about wondering if he's feeling guilt, remorse, pity, doubt, regret, humiliation, lost dreams ... a grain of sympathy from you might take both of you a long way down the road of true reconciliation.

I fully expect to be flamed for this response but I'd point this out. I was once lucky to escape from a devastating house fire. Yes, I'd managed to save my life though lost almost everything I owned. Was my thinking 'oh good, I've survived so that's alright then - big on her knees-up next week, folks?' No, I was desperately unhappy for months, suffered a breakdown and was depressed and psychologically disturbed for a very long time.

You're only a week into repairing a broken marriage and you expect him to be cheerful?!

Why should the OP feel sorry for her husband? He has just cheated on her. Why shouldn't she be wrapped up in her own feelings?
And what on earth has this got to do with your housefire?