Modestly-priced fun for becoming-deaf old bloke with no interests

mary-op

My OH isn't retired but at the moment he's not able to work due to illness. He's not a 'hobbies' person but does enjoy the company of other chaps at the pub so he goes off at lunchtime to see them, particularly an elderly chap we know who loves to 'talk gardening'. We can only do container gardening and this time of the year is a no go for that.
He's lost interest in reading since he was ill and I put that down to the worry of it. He still enjoys football on the tele, crosswords etc. but other than that it does seem I'm the one with all the 'interests'. I felt he was missing out a bit but he insists he's not. He enjoyed work for the company as much as bringing home the wage and at the moment thats what he's missing more than anything else.
Maybe your OH is missing company the same way ?

hethmar

Mary, could he do a very part time job, B and Q love the older man to give advice - may be in their gardening department? Or perhaps a little delivery job, something like that?

monkeyspanner

How about combining computing with making a bit of money from unwanted stuff around the house by selling on ebay. It is a also a form of recycling.

Alternatively suggest he finds cheaper insurance, utilities etc. online, maybe using MSE and Quidco.

I do think men measure their wellbeing in a very different way from women and are more tolerant of isolation and less aware of its effects. Also expressing persistent concern can easily be misinterpreted as nagging. He probably is not missing the hassle of day after day of work but may miss some aspects of the work environment and even some aspects of his old job. Maybe you could identify something similar which would link him to the past but provide a future interest.

Savvy_Sue

I thought I answered this earlier, from my netbook, but it's not here and I was having problems, so here goes, perhaps more briefly ...

morganlefay wrote: »

and I don't want him to do things I want (I read a lot and sew and cook and have lunch with my girlie friends and write essays for my course, none of which are things I can share with him) but I do want him to have some little spark in life to make it worth getting out of bed for.

I am not sure why cooking and reading and your essays CAN'T be shared, even sewing too, although I realise some men don't 'do' these things, but eg as a fan of The Archers I remember Phil Archer driving Jill round the bend a few years ago because he became a raving foodie and started cooking when he was doing less around the farm. And there's Jamie and all the other male role models cooking away on TV.

Reading - we often read the same books and talk about them afterwards, or during. DH gets the New Scientist, and while I'm no scientist I usually skim it and respond to anything which takes my fancy, eg DH was asking if I'd seen the article about exercise earlier, and I know he's been reading one about possible drug treatments for alcohol abuse which my colleagues may be interested in. And so on. And DH is studying for a masters degree so we'll sometimes talk - in very general terms - about his essays and research.

Really, nothing is off limits for me to prattle on to him about.

Another thing we often talk about is TV or films. However ...

morganlefay wrote: »

Oh and when I say 'How about a hearing test ducky' he magically doesnt hear me !!!!!! and I don't want to bully because it's a nasty thing - going deaf - and why would you want to have it confirmed if you are, so I understand absolutely why he's buried his head in the sand about it, but it's still anoying for the person who has to say everything to him several times - I'm only human I suppose.

that can be tricky if you can't follow a programme well, and I don't for one moment suppose that he'd have the subtitles on. Although you could try 'accidentally' taking him to a sub-titled film showing if there was something you would both enjoy, and see if that helps.

I think the RNID's hearing test has been mentioned, you can take it online or by phone, and maybe if you said you were going to take it 'just to check' then maybe, just maybe, he would too.

But deafness can be incredibly isolating, especially if there's a reluctance to accept it. My FIL was impossible in the period between losing a lot of his hearing and doing anything about it. And it can be easier to withdraw than face it, at least initially.

monkeyspanner wrote: »

I do think men measure their wellbeing in a very different way from women and are more tolerant of isolation and less aware of its effects.

I think that's a very good point.

monkeyspanner wrote: »

Also expressing persistent concern can easily be misinterpreted as nagging.

And so is that.

monkeyspanner wrote: »

He probably is not missing the hassle of day after day of work but may miss some aspects of the work environment and even some aspects of his old job. Maybe you could identify something similar which would link him to the past but provide a future interest.

Which leads me to ask, what was he like before he retired? Was his chief topic of conversation the work equivalent of going to the recycling centre? Or were you able to talk about more scintillating subjects?

foreign_correspondent

Is he interested in animals at all?

Just wondered whether a project like trying to attract more burds into the garden, or building a fish pond, or keeping tropical fish may interest him - or even thinking about taking on a pet like a cat or a dog - dogs are great for getting you out for a walk, but only if he is interested, obviously (an older dog would be ideal, a young pup that chews and poops everywhere may well prove to be a bit much to manage!)

There are a lot of older dogs who have been owned by people who have passed on, who would love another older chap to take to!

http://www.oldies.org.uk/?p=17698

Primrose

Well, firstly maybe you have to start talking to him all the time in a very low voice so that he can't hear what you're saying. Then maybe he will take the hint about going to his GP to get his hearing checked.
Your OH doesn't sound as if he's much of a "joiner" but I wonder whether belonging to the U3A,(University of the Third Age) if you have one near you, might engage him. It's a national organisation for the retired and they have branches all over the country. (Google U3A and the main website will tell you how to find your nearest branch), It's an organisation for retired people who want to keep their brains busy but it's NOT about studying for academic qualifications. Each branch usually has a monthly general meeting with a speaker who will talk on a wide range of topics, and there are common interest groups where people who have similar interests can meet up for mutual discussions, etc. The subscription is £15 a year and the only other expense is normally if you attend one of the common interest groups, where everybody chips in about 25p for the cost of a cup of tea and a biscuit. Most U3A branches will let you attend the first general meeting for free as a visitor to find out what they're all about. I joined our local branch on retiring, now belong to several groups, and have met lots of interesting people who have enriched my life in some way or other.

Your library may have a list of other local groups, PROBUS ( a monthly lunch get-together for retired business people). The National Trust also have local groups which arrange talks and coach outings to places of interest.

It might be helpful if you could tell us what type of work he did before he retired. Maybe that would trigger some more useful suggestions. Perhaps he is feeling a little lost now he has no structure in his life but there must have been things, when he was working, that he would have wanted to do once he had more time. That time has now arrived and it would be a shame to let the weeks, months and years slip by without trying to find anything which will find in those vacant hours.

mary-op

Some really helpful replies given.
Regards my OH he has now taken over the main grocery shopping (we get home delivery so no lifting as such) and he enjoys cooking so he's taken over that role (thankfully as I'm the worlds worst near an oven)

Maybe OP's OH could be more active in that area.........my OH doesn't spend all his time over a hot stove but does get some pleasure out of deciding what's for dinner

morganlefay

I wrote a long reply yesterday and it got lost before I could post it – will now summarise. OH worked in senior managerial job at BBC for many years but some 16 years ago was offered voluntary redundancy which he took as terms were good then. Then he set up a business with a partner which did very well for a while, but then the market got harder and things started going a bit wrong, they took on another partner and eventually OH and new partner carried on together. Things got worse and some 18 months ago we were in danger of the Bank repossessing our house because of loans to the business. While all this going on I had breast cancer and 18 months ago developed diabetes.(I’m all fine now, cancer gone and treated well with insulin). Finally about 12 months ago we managed to slide out of the bank’s grasp, and OH got out of the business but only when I had spent all my savings paying off some (but not all) of his debt. I think that the stress of his business stuff made him change so that he now blocks out anything unpleasant and pretends it isn’t happening. I find this quite hard, myself.I am currently doing a higher degree in English – very esoteric and the reading very dull for anyone not interested in my subject (he isn’t) so no sharing there and anyway he is v slow reader while I am v fast. I have tried to suggest cookery – bought the Jamie Oliver book, and also wrote out simple versions of our favourite recipes (shepherd’s pie, chicken casserole, cauli cheese etc – all simple family stuff) and he can do it but prefers not to as I’m a good cook, so why would he bother ? He does like walking, which I can’t easily do as have v arthritic knees and it hurts, and I shall explore this more on his behalf.
But actually perhaps some of you are right and I should just let him sit about. It’s just that he used not to be so aimless, we used to laugh and have fun doing stuff together (which we now mostly can’t afford – we used to have a lot of holidays, went to lovely places, had huge fun and now can’t – tho we do have lovely memories) and I feel that if he slides into the mud he will never get out. Of course that’s part selfishness on my part, but what with never hearing what I say and not doing very much he seems to be closing in on himself, which just seems sad for the jolly playmate I used to have.
I appreciate all your ideas and thoughts, and will certainly try some of them.

foreign_correspondent

If he likes walking, but has no-one to walk with, maybe it is worth looking into taking on a dog? I love walking, but only with my dog, and have had so many lovely, free walks with her, in places I would never go to otherwise! Alternatively, he could look into walking other people's dogs - plenty of people do, and many charge for it - lots of people who work full time are happy to pay somene to take their dog out!

Otherwise, lots of areas do 'walks for health' type schemes, and are often looking for new members, or even volunteer walk leaders - would this interest him?

Farway

Back to walking, our U3A has a "walking" group, no doubt others do as well

Perhaps worth looking into

The walks are not up mountains, [none round here anyway] just strolls through woods in the fresh air sort of thing