Modestly-priced fun for becoming-deaf old bloke with no interests

morganlefay

My Old Gent has been retired a year now. He retired with a MUCH smaller pension than we had always planned for (so many thanks to MSE for so many good ideas and help) and I let him just bumble about the house catching his breath for a year. But now he's bored. Doesn't do any of the following: golf, bridge - or any card games - swim, cook, hoover, gardening, read, do crosswords or jigsaws, do voluntary work etc etc. You name it he doesn't do it. He is also going a bit deaf while not wanting to admit it. I am doing a degree part-time and am very busy. I also very much liked being in the house alone for parts of every day. Old gent just plays a bit with his computer a bit(but doesn't even play solitaire and no facebook or any interest in reading or writing blogs etc), seldom goes out and I can see his brain becoming less active. I wondered about depression but he says he feels fine and is not the sort of chap to conceal feeling really down if he did. Can anyone suggest anything I can subtly interest him in that he would actually enjoy, that would keep his brain active and which would get him out of the house occasionally, but which also doesn't cost much. Oh and has anyone any ideas about how I broach the subject of the increasing deafness? I am so sick of saying everything twice and three times tho I have always spoken clearly and at a normal speed.
Sadly the bottom line is : thrift, thrift, thrift, but I would also like him to be enjoying himself more.
I feel uncomfortable writing this but if he goes on like this I think his future seems glum (his high point in the week is taking the recycling stuff to the tip) and people on here are always so practical and friendly. Thank you for listening !

sagalout1954

To be honest, it doesn't sound as if he is unhappy with his life & total lack of interest in anything much. Clearly it isn't how YOU would want to live (hence you keep busy) but it's going to be pretty difficult to stimulate his interest if he isn't interested!

What a huge shame there's no voluntary work he'd like to do, so many charitable organisations crying out for people - costs virtually nothing with some of them even reimbursing small travel expenses etc.

Do you think it might be best if you leave the issue of 'hobbies for him to take up' alone until/unless he indicates he's bored and wants some help thinking of something to do with himself? PLEASE don't be offended, but do you think this may be more about what you want than what he wants? I've found that my old man retiring was more of a shock to my system than it was to his. Suddenly this person in my face and under my feet.......................

As for the deafness, larger branches of Specsavers have a very basic hearing testing machine in the shop, a 'walk in and use it yourselves' thing (very easy). My hubby (& me) had a go on it whilst there for an eye test, showed his hearing was a little below par - well, that and me saying "YOU'RE GETTING A BIT DEAF".

I wonder if you have anything like that in your area, might be just enough to prod him into getting a proper, professional hearing test done. Hearing aids are discreet little things nowadays.

Good luck - has taken me 18 months to get used to having a retiree about the house.

Farway

He may be aware of his deafness and is avoiding situation where he cannot hear what is said to him. I did this

The solutions was dead easy, go to GP, tell them can't hear, loud TV etc and next thing will be hearing test & free hearing aid if needed. There are government targets on hearing now, so no year waits anymore

I know he is not a mixer / doer and a lot men [I'm a bloke BTW] are same, me included, not wishing to be nasty here, but why are you trying to run his life for him? Just let him get on with his life as he wants

You could suggest a pub lunch perhaps?

PS, as he like his computer, how about Family History, no need to cost a fortune, free [shareware] program is Brothers Keeper, http://www.bkwin.org/ and many free genealogy sites, including the Mormons http://www.familysearch.org/eng/default.asp one so no need to spend £80 plus on Ancestry

From there, if interested, he could join local U3A or group on same subject

Mojisola

Would he try this - https://www.rnid.org.uk/howwehelp/hearing_check/

Perhaps if he can do the test in private at home, he might come round to talking to the GP about the problem.

If he doesn't want to get out and do other things, I would be insisting on sharing the housework, cooking, shopping and gardening.

SailorSam

To start the family history first go to your local library, they'll tell you all you need to know for free.

Errata

OP - I guess we could all suggest dozens of things that might interest your OH but we would have a better success rate if we knew what he did before he retired - ie brain work or hand work, practical or theoretical ?

Do encourage your OH to do the telephone hearing test. Perhaps you could try it yourself first if your hearing is perfect ? Personally if things are so bad that you have to repeat stuff 2 or 3 times I'd stop doing ithat until he did something about his deafness and consider it a fair swop.

Sounds like you've got used to having the house to yourself. That can take some getting used to, but of course it's his house too and he might like it to himself as well. The solution to your problem might be to make yourself a den in a spare room.

Have you considered sitting down together and divvying up the housework/cooking/gardening/DIY ? 50% of all those things will give him something to do.

scotsbob

With respect you sound like the partner I was with when I retired. She was always on at me to be doing something. I used to tell her that I grafted hard all my life from the age of 15, frequently holding down more than one job, now I was retired and wanted to relax.

Eventually, I got so cheesed of I dumped her and now have a partner who is far more relaxed and easy going PLUS I can do what I want.

Maybe you need to give your man a bit more space and stop nagging him about doing things, when he is probably enjoying the retirement he looked forward to.
You push him too far and he may get to the point of moving you on.

Savvy_Sue

Is there anything he would like to do with you?

I went through a bit of a hibernation stage a few years ago (although not associated with retirement - work was the only thing I did!) and slowly started going out again, but found it had to be without DH as he was busy doing things which were either work related or not what I wanted to do. I would have preferred to do regular things with DH, but that wasn't ever going to happen. We started with a few joint outings however, just to get me in the way of leaving the house apart from going to work!

Farway

scotsbob wrote: »

With respect you sound like the partner I was with when I retired. She was always on at me to be doing something. I used to tell her that I grafted hard all my life from the age of 15, frequently holding down more than one job, now I was retired and wanted to relax.

Eventually, I got so cheesed of I dumped her and now have a partner who is far more relaxed and easy going PLUS I can do what I want.

Maybe you need to give your man a bit more space and stop nagging him about doing things, when he is probably enjoying the retirement he looked forward to.
You push him too far and he may get to the point of moving you on.

Sort of the point I was trying to make, stop trying to run his life.

Like Bob I left the wife who wanted to run my life for me

let him live his life as he wants, not what you think he should want

chesky369

...golf, bridge - or any card games - swim, cook, hoover, gardening, read, do crosswords or jigsaws, do voluntary work etc etc...

well, I do play bridge and I do do voluntary work but your list does depress me a bit. Poor devil, if he's a bit hard of hearing he probably wouldn't hear anyone say '3 no trumps'.

How about going down the pub? I mean as a bit of a ritual. If you have a nice local, how about making a regular date - say 6.45pm every Friday, Monday and Wednesday (every day would be better but more expensive). Just pop in for half an hour, bit of a chat and a walk.

How about the movies? Does your local place do a special price for retirees? If you both popped in every Tuesday.

I'm saying both of you rather than just him on his own, because I think you should help him at first until he's gained his confidence and perhaps started to talk to people.

As for the deafness - how about saying 'ducky, I think it's time you had a hearing test'?

Savvy_Sue

There are usually two people in a relationship of the kind the OP describes. Does his happiness trump hers? She's worried about him vegging out, and the highlight of his week being the trip to the recycling centre. She's worried about his brain cells dying. She's not trying to run his life for him, she's trying to make it more interesting for the pair of them! Wouldn't most of us rather NOT hear about the trip to the recycling centre if there's something more interesting to talk about?

Or perhaps, she should leave him and find a toy boy.