Cracking up

ChrisCobra

I do tire of these type of posts sometimes. Its like online jeremy kyle , if its that bad go see a doctor.

Sorry but theres loads of these posts everyday and annoys me that there isnt enough support for this type of thing in uk healthcare it seems.

katebl

ChrisCobra wrote: »

I do tire of these type of posts sometimes. Its like online jeremy kyle , if its that bad go see a doctor.

Sorry but theres loads of these posts everyday and annoys me that there isnt enough support for this type of thing in uk healthcare it seems.

I hope that wasn't meant as nastily as it came across, what a horrible thing to say. If you don't want to know how these people feel don't read their threads!

Pocketrocket, does your OH know anything of your past? If he doesn't and is still extremely caring as you put, that's a good sign. Please get help and allow yourself the happiness you deserve.

belfastgirl23

I think by posting here you've acknowledged that you need to do something and that you can't carry around this awful weight for much longer. That takes guts, well done.

Which means that you do have enough guts to see a doctor about this. You might not believe it right now but we all know you can do it. And that you will do it. And that this will be the start of a sometimes painful journey that will eventually bring you to a much happier place.

I also wanted to say that the things you are expressing frustration or worry about are things that do happen to everyone. I'm just worried that you think you're the only one people have eg pointed and laughed at. I was in a local shop today and two people who were speaking another language were very clearly talking about me and I'm pretty sure not in a nice way. So it isn't that you're strange, it's just that this is the sort of thing that happens in life, I think you just react to it differently because you're feeling so upset inside.

Similarly with taking it personally with your OH if he is late or whatever - I think we all do this from time to time as well and I admire you for the insight you have into the reasons behind this.

Phone on Monday and make an appointment. You can't keep going as you are, you owe it to yourself to let someone help you.

Please keep posting and let us know how it goes.

pocketrocket_2

katebl wrote: »

I hope that wasn't meant as nastily as it came across, what a horrible thing to say. If you don't want to know how these people feel don't read their threads!

Pocketrocket, does your OH know anything of your past? If he doesn't and is still extremely caring as you put, that's a good sign. Please get help and allow yourself the happiness you deserve.

My OH does not know of my past I dont think I will ever tell him as he may be disgusted or not know how to handle it. He is a very patient person and im pushing it I know with him one day he will explode and ask why I behave like this ? perhaps then I can tell him..

I know im being unfair taking it out on him but then again all I do is nothing I dont argue with him I dont fight, I just go home and cry..I long to tell him or someone but im so nervous in case my problems dont ease once it all comes out, I feel if its locked up inside then no one can hurt me any more if that makes sense.

Thank you all

Firefly

Scary isn't it? You know how you behave and you know why you behave the way you do.

You say you won't go to the doctor although you know the doctor will support you in dealing with your history of abuse.

However if they did offer you the support you need to come to terms with all your difficulties then who would you be? You may not be the insecure and angry person who doesn't know where to turn.

You might become a more confident and capable person who understands her history and can face a new and brighter future. That may not be with the partner you have now. It's so much easier to stay with the person you know you are now with all your problematic behaviours. But that does need to change for a successful future, particularly with a partner.

YOU are the only person who can facilitate a change in your life. Others can help and support but it's YOU who needs to do the hard work looking at your behaviour patterns, root causes, core beliefs, etc.

Your case is quite typical and I would hope that your GP can sort you out with more than 6 weeks of CBT but if that isn't possible try and contact a charity that supports adult survivors of abuse. They may be able to help you with longer term psychotherapy that isn't available easily on the NHS.

Good luck and enjoy the new you.

cobbingstones

I wanted to wish you all the best. You need to remember that you are not a victim, but very much a survivor! I can only repeat the utter importance of getting yourself some CBT from your GP. You deserve to have some closure, then you can move on with your life in the direction that you feel is best.

Good luck and make 2010 YOUR year!


x

mumslave

pocketrocket wrote: »

My OH does not know of my past I dont think I will ever tell him as he may be disgusted or not know how to handle it. He is a very patient person and im pushing it I know with him one day he will explode and ask why I behave like this ? perhaps then I can tell him..

I know im being unfair taking it out on him but then again all I do is nothing I dont argue with him I dont fight, I just go home and cry..I long to tell him or someone but im so nervous in case my problems dont ease once it all comes out, I feel if its locked up inside then no one can hurt me any more if that makes sense.

Thank you all

Pocketrocket, if you do talk about your problems, they will get worse before they get better. Please dont let that put you off, its because as some of the things happened to you as a child, you will have blocked some memories out, the worst ones. Talking about what went on, can bring back memories, things you might wonder if you dreamt even, but children block things out to protect themselves again. It wont be worse for you because anyone will treat you badly, I think you would be amazed how supportive those around you should and would be, but it may feel worse for you yourself, whilst you deal with the inital outlet. Its a very important part of trying to move on with your life.

That si the scary thing isnt it, knowing whats wrong, and why you are the way you are, but totally unable to get a grip of your emotions. This is what some are not able to understand (those that might flippantly say, oh just pull yourself together, or, oh just go and see a doctor (gee never thought of that one eh), but it comes from learned thinking, having reacted in certain ways to situations for so long, you have to relearn new ways to react to them, and this requires counselling, such as cognitive behavioural therapy, designed to help you break bad thinking patterns and put new ones in place.

There really is a lot of help available to you out there, but you are going to have to be strong. If you dont feel you can talk about things, do what you have done on here, write everything down, as much as you can. It doesnt even have to make sense. Show it to a doctor. Then you have to try and be patient, it can take a while to get an appointment for counselling from the NHS, but remember it will all be to help you move forward in life and not carry on being so angry and sad. Best of luck to you.

RoxieW

OP i know exactly how u feel. I was exactly the same as you and still am in stressful situations. One thing i learnt from counselling is that i had control issues stemming fro, being in a situation that i couldnt control as a child. Small things such as my OH being late that i couldnt control took me back to those feeling and brought a very angry response.
That OH is now my husband and father of my children and we celebrated our 10 yr anniversary last year so when you find the right man he will stick with you through thick and thin. Not that it has been easy. I've had several attempts at counseling - some more successful that others. I've also had spells on different antidepressants. Talk to your GP. if they dont listen go and see another one. YOU can take control of your life now. Another thing that helps is a coping strategies. You need to talk to your man (if you havent already) about where this anger comes from and develop a coping strategy when you are calm and well. For example - you were pushing him away on new years eve - punishing him because he 'rejected you' by 'not caring enough' to be on time. You were protecting yourself from more hurt from rejection. But by letting you leave and leaving you to cry alone on NYE he was confirming in your mind that you were rejected and unworthy and that he didnt care. You then punish yourself for 'causing' the situation. Am I right? Had he said to you 'right well if you're going to yours then I'm coming too. i love you and i wont spend new years eve without you' then it would have cut the viscious cycle IYSWIM. But he's not a mind reader and needs to be told how your mind works. This will help you both.
I hope that you are strong enough as a couple, and he is strong enough as a man to see each other through through this but if not then he wasnt the right man for you. Personally cheating on me would be the worst thing my OH could ever do to me as it would reaffirm all those horrible feelings of being unworthy and ugly and a bad person etc etc etc. I have major trust issues and would not be able to get over a betrayal of trust unfortunately. Dont stay with him because you dont think you will get/dont deserve anyone better. Concentrate on you in 2010. Get help. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself - think 'you know what' I deserve it. I know it tough believe me but we;re all here right behind you

pocketrocket_2

RoxieW wrote: »

OP i know exactly how u feel. I was exactly the same as you and still am in stressful situations. One thing i learnt from counselling is that i had control issues stemming fro, being in a situation that i couldnt control as a child. Small things such as my OH being late that i couldnt control took me back to those feeling and brought a very angry response.
That OH is now my husband and father of my children and we celebrated our 10 yr anniversary last year so when you find the right man he will stick with you through thick and thin. Not that it has been easy. I've had several attempts at counseling - some more successful that others. I've also had spells on different antidepressants. Talk to your GP. if they dont listen go and see another one. YOU can take control of your life now. Another thing that helps is a coping strategies. You need to talk to your man (if you havent already) about where this anger comes from and develop a coping strategy when you are calm and well. For example - you were pushing him away on new years eve - punishing him because he 'rejected you' by 'not caring enough' to be on time. You were protecting yourself from more hurt from rejection. But by letting you leave and leaving you to cry alone on NYE he was confirming in your mind that you were rejected and unworthy and that he didnt care. You then punish yourself for 'causing' the situation. Am I right? Had he said to you 'right well if you're going to yours then I'm coming too. i love you and i wont spend new years eve without you' then it would have cut the viscious cycle IYSWIM. But he's not a mind reader and needs to be told how your mind works. This will help you both.
I hope that you are strong enough as a couple, and he is strong enough as a man to see each other through through this but if not then he wasnt the right man for you. Personally cheating on me would be the worst thing my OH could ever do to me as it would reaffirm all those horrible feelings of being unworthy and ugly and a bad person etc etc etc. I have major trust issues and would not be able to get over a betrayal of trust unfortunately. Dont stay with him because you dont think you will get/dont deserve anyone better. Concentrate on you in 2010. Get help. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself - think 'you know what' I deserve it. I know it tough believe me but we;re all here right behind you

Thankyou so much Roxie you have hit the nail on the head thats so much like me I feel like all I deserve in to feel low and second class to everyone I come into contact with because that is all I knew from age 5.

I do have good times good days that I look back on but what happened to me last year when my OH seemed to find the need to get back on the dating site we met on was a massive blow he was sorry he said its taken this to realise im the one for him the one he will marry etc etc... I wonder if I didnt find out would he of met another?? that question always plays on my mind..yet at the moment I cannot fault him he is always there for me and what do I do run into my shell.
I found out in July time 2009 and feel that yr was not one of joy but of a complete waste of time as he was always going to find another in his head so thats why NYE I needed to be alone, as we all look back at 2009 for me it was a lie, I think all the times I met up and gave up time to be with him it was a lie.
But I dont want to get into the internet debate even if it looks like that sorry.

Im going to ring doctor Mon.

Morglin

pocketrocket wrote: »

I feel like im cracking up, I went to meet my partner today I missed my connecting train so cancelled even though he was half way there to pick me up.. I just said im not in the mood anymore and feel too tired anyway. I lied and said I was off home on the returning train and made out it was soon but I stood there waiting for 50 mins the temp today was zero I was frozen. Dont ask me why but I get like this I make myself suffer and I punish myself in different situations I could of easily stayed and he would of picked me up.

When I got home (had to walk 20 mins to my home) I smashed my mobile phone that I really like, I was angry at the world ...again.

I know I have alot of pent up anger to do with my past but I wont go to my doctor.

If anyone has read my previous posts I talk about my partner who went back to look at other girls on the dating site we met on after 11 months of dating me, we managed to work it out im still with him.

I was abused by my dad he passed away over 10 yrs ago.

I was kicked in town by a complete stranger for getting in his path, few months back.

Two women started to laugh at me in Tesco I looked round and they were still giggling, up until then I was having a good day so went home in tears thinking I dont deserve happiness I thought how dumb am I my partner needed to look elsewhere although he is completely in love (so he says) with me. I do love him but im pushing him away as no one really has cared and think this will end up sour anyway and have suffered heartache already with him.

I used to self harm when younger I still hit my head with something hard when im angry or upset the only damage ive done is cause a small bump on my head. Few years ago I used to hit my head against the wall hoping it would finish me off. I did try overdose soon after my dad died I didnt wnat to die it didnt work of course I didnt take enough pills I rang the doctor next morning to say will it harm me? she said no it should be fine for the amount I took and didnt offer an appointment or any help.

I used to cut myself and show my dad when I was a child he used to dismiss me.

I have so much memory loss about my child hood because of abuse my mum died a long time before my dad. No one knows about the abuse.

I feel like screaming im so tired of pleasing people at work my family my partner I feel like screaming 'what about me?!'

Sometimes I feel like a pointless person.

Now I have written all this down im shocked at how sad I am inside and that I wear a mask pretending to be happy.

I dont know where to turn.

I know no one can help me here, please dont think im mad I hold down a full time job have mortgage on my own house, run a car my life appears settled to everyone else but inside im always crying.

Whatever you think of GP's, you do need some help, so I really would advise going to see him/her.

Anything has to be better than feeling how you say you are feeling.

Lin