Cracking up

pocketrocket_2

I feel like im cracking up, I went to meet my partner today I missed my connecting train so cancelled even though he was half way there to pick me up.. I just said im not in the mood anymore and feel too tired anyway. I lied and said I was off home on the returning train and made out it was soon but I stood there waiting for 50 mins the temp today was zero I was frozen. Dont ask me why but I get like this I make myself suffer and I punish myself in different situations I could of easily stayed and he would of picked me up.

When I got home (had to walk 20 mins to my home) I smashed my mobile phone that I really like, I was angry at the world ...again.

I know I have alot of pent up anger to do with my past but I wont go to my doctor.

If anyone has read my previous posts I talk about my partner who went back to look at other girls on the dating site we met on after 11 months of dating me, we managed to work it out im still with him.

I was abused by my dad he passed away over 10 yrs ago.

I was kicked in town by a complete stranger for getting in his path, few months back.

Two women started to laugh at me in Tesco I looked round and they were still giggling, up until then I was having a good day so went home in tears thinking I dont deserve happiness I thought how dumb am I my partner needed to look elsewhere although he is completely in love (so he says) with me. I do love him but im pushing him away as no one really has cared and think this will end up sour anyway and have suffered heartache already with him.

I used to self harm when younger I still hit my head with something hard when im angry or upset the only damage ive done is cause a small bump on my head. Few years ago I used to hit my head against the wall hoping it would finish me off. I did try overdose soon after my dad died I didnt wnat to die it didnt work of course I didnt take enough pills I rang the doctor next morning to say will it harm me? she said no it should be fine for the amount I took and didnt offer an appointment or any help.

I used to cut myself and show my dad when I was a child he used to dismiss me.

I have so much memory loss about my child hood because of abuse my mum died a long time before my dad. No one knows about the abuse.

I feel like screaming im so tired of pleasing people at work my family my partner I feel like screaming 'what about me?!'

Sometimes I feel like a pointless person.

Now I have written all this down im shocked at how sad I am inside and that I wear a mask pretending to be happy.

I dont know where to turn.

I know no one can help me here, please dont think im mad I hold down a full time job have mortgage on my own house, run a car my life appears settled to everyone else but inside im always crying.

aliasojo

pocketrocket wrote: »

I know no one can help me here, please dont think im mad ....

I don't think you're mad, I think you desperately need counselling.

Just like you couldn't fix a broken leg all by yourself, you can't fix the way you feel inside all by yourself either.

Things wont change for you overnight but if you could just make yourself see a professional, it would be a first step. Phone your GP.

worriedsik

Are you punishing yourself for something ?

xx

pocketrocket_2

I guess im punishing myself for being a failure in so many areas ie my partner looking elsewhere, for being laughed at by a number of people including at work.

Im punishing myself as I dont have the guts to finish things

worriedsik

Iam sure you are not a failure...i think you may have some insecurities which you may need professional help with ((((((((((((((xx))))))))))))))

please dont do anything drastic please call your boyfriend and tell him what happened and that you dont know why you done it because now you will be angry with yourself for not meeting him x

lynzpower

You dont need to finish things, you need to START things.

You dont get happiness, maybe because you are not going after it hard enough.

Why have you not been to your doctor? Counselling is a great start. You have had some terrible things happen to you and you need to take stock of it and learn to live with it. I have been the victim of something horrible too, and counselling made me see this is not my fault it was his, and the responsibility for what he did lies with him and the responsibility for my own happiness lies with me.
It sounds like you are pushing your boyfreind away,and am not blaming it is wholly inkeeping of how you feel about yourself.

Start the journey within, it is there you jsut need to take the steps and work with the journey. No one will do it for you and ending things is really not the answer

X keep us posted xx

rachelhen

Pocketrocket

you are in control maybe sometimes because of the past you get release from the things you are doing, but it sounds like you don't want to do the same 'release' things anymore?

I know someone very close to me with similar background issues, only similar because everyone is unique including you unique and loveable and strong x

pipkin71

I honestly think you need to seek professional help, and this forum isn't the place.

You risk pushing your OH away, with your behaviour and isolating yourself.

Please think about talking to someone professionally trained to listen and help you work your way through this.

I wish you well.

pocketrocket_2

I am angry at not meeting. I dont know how to control this urge to get away from people who could make me happy..I dont trust easily

worriedsik

pocketrocket wrote: »

I am angry at not meeting. I dont know how to control this urge to get away from people who could make me happy..I dont trust easily

Yes you will be angry with yourself now for not meeting him you seem to be wanting to punish yourself , either that or you may have not wanted to meet him and are feeling guilty for not wanting to ?

do you want to be with this guy ?

will you please call the doctors on monday and the doc will maybee forward you on to a counselor where you can get all this brain fog sorted ?

xx

pocketrocket_2

Brain fog is a good way to describe it, I know I need a counsillor, I did see a bereavement counsillor when my dad passed away and it didnt go well I could not speak about my grief so I only saw her twice.

I just find it hard to talk about my problems