depression

elona

gilly

Use Bupa and phone the hospital.

It's worth a try and might make you feel a bit better.

Hug

Sazbo

gillette147 wrote:

Thanks Sazbo xx

Telling the doctor I'm depressed feels like a huge step. Feels like they will slap me and tell me to get over it.

Really, they won't. Honestly. Doctor's are really on the ball about mental health these days, and there is a wide range of support available. Have a think about it hun ok? x

Tiff_2

feelinggood wrote:

I will definately bend your ear about housing benefit and things when I find out how much money I'm gonna get - then I can find me somewhere to live! I dreamt about leaving last night.
Finally admitted that one reason I'm scared to leave is that I don't trusts OH's reaction. He is either going to be totally calm, and just leave it, or he is going to get very angry. He doesn't get angry that often, but he really scares me when he does. Got the hole in the wall in manchester to prove it :rotfl: I know I'm not responsible for him once I walk out that door, but I don't want him to mess up his life because of me. I've got horrid thoughts of what he might do :-/
Anyways, this was only supposed to be a short message!!

Hi feelie!
Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I'll begin. Here's a Tiffy Tale - all true I promise.
After many years of marriage, I left my husband due to physical and emotional violence. The physical violence only came at the very end. I was a terrified Tiff. We were in debt too because I was always trying to make him feel better, trying to make things all right. It got so that I never knew what mood he'd be in when he'd come home. He had valid reasons for his depression - the sudden death of his mother in New York hit him hard. I tried for over a year after to make things work. In all fairness to him,it wasn't all his fault - I was having a hard time because it was only 2 years since I nearly died while being held hostage, so I'd got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What I needed more than anything was to feel loved.

He was always a quiet man but funny, very nice person actually. Only my height. He has been doing martial arts since he was 17 so that's what, 25 years now. Obsessed by it and very good at it. He's extremely fit and muscular. Gym addict too. To fuel my fear, he was in the US Air Force for over 13 years and left with an honourable discharge at the rank of Staff Sergeant. So he could be capable of anything.

When it got to the point that he would just sit on the back of a chair staring at me, I knew I had to get out. There was no intimacy. I felt rejected in every way. Our son was only 9. It became unbearable & I was living in fear. It got to the point where I slept with a knife under my pillow I'm ashamed to say - I was that scared. To cut a very long boring Tiff tale short, I was seeing CAB in an attempt to sort out the debt. As I started to explain the financial situation all the other stuff came out. CAB were amazing. They arranged for me to see a domestic violence police officer at CAB and stayed with me. I just remember going to bed that night thinking it wouldn't be long. Suddenly I'd made the decision and I just knew it was time to go.

Within 2 days, a plan was made & I went home and tried to act normal. I was taken to our house by two police officers while he was at work and I grabbed what I could, scribbled a note and they took me to a shelter. I picked my son up from school. I was terrified because either he'd totally lose it (he'd already threatened to kill us all in a row once) or he'd break completely and kill himself. He told me he had tried to kill himself but I didn't go back. I said I was too afraid, couldn't trust him and that I was sorry he'd tried to od but that that wasn't my fault. Eventually, we became friends of a sort - nothing sexual. And I just carried on helping him because I felt so guilty.

I felt terrified still but I was safe though I didn't stop worrying. My leaving him devastated him and he begged me to come back, that he was sorry. But I was too afraid. There'd only been 2 incidents of physical violence but the emotional cruelty was severe. He resented having to come back to the UK because I couldn't live in New York just down the road from where I was held hostage. He'd started to blame me for the state I was in, calling me a coward for not fighting back - he just couldn't understand. Sometimes he'd just explode out of proportion to whatever the situation was. He'd been so supportive too which made it worse. I just couldn't understand what was so wrong with me to be treated like that by him.

I never knew how he was going to react anymore so I took the coward's way out , leaving while he was at work. I just felt so responsible and sorry for him - even after I left him. Now the blinkers are gone from my eyes and I can look back over the years of our marriage, and I can see it was always me that had to sort the problems out.

The CAB helped me get benefits and housing sorted. So hun there is never a reason good enough to stay. I still feel guilty for leaving him in a financial mess and him having to leave the council house to go live in a room. I helped him out for years after I left him in 2000. I suddenly got smart and stopped giving him help. He just took everything for granted. He's been in a relationship for 3 or 4 years now & lives with the lady. That's helped me - I refuse to take responsibility for him or his actions now. He's a grown man. It's harder for me - I feel like I'm worth nothing if I'm honest. I've fought my whole life it feels like. Sorry - that sounded so pathetic.:rolleyes: Silly Tiff!

Did I say I was going to make this long tale short?:rolleyes: Sorry guys.
Basically the point is, don't make the pain last any longer than it has to. If you need to get out of somewhere, there is help. That's why I can relate to you fg and cc and ethel and so many of you. I've been there and if I can help someone by embarrassing myself on here, so be it.;) Don't end up like me hun - there's always a choice.

Much love to you all
Tiff xxx

Sazbo

I admire you so much Tiff. You're an amazing person - don't let anyone tell you otherwise - and yes I'm including you in that. You have not embarrassed yourself at all. It is humbling that you give time to worry about my trivial problems when I think of what you've been through in your life and still came out fighting. Bless your heart Tiff. Much love, Sazx

blinky

Sazbo wrote:

Really, they won't. Honestly. Doctor's are really on the ball about mental health these days, and there is a wide range of support available. Have a think about it hun ok? x

I agree they won't. Okay GP's don't have all the specialist knowledge a consultant or CPN or other psychiatrist specialist have. However, clinical depression is common enough that GP's will have experience dealing with it.

Miroslav

Well, flatmate has put me out of my misery, slightly.

'S' does want to see me again, but now, she's frightened of me again She thinks i'm really angry at her.

She's mentally on the verge of collapse right now, so she's taking everything wrong

She didn't meet me last night as she didn't want to read my text, because she thought I was going to be nasty to her and was too frightened to read it

She told flatmate she was going to write to me and explain some things about her life and why she is the way she is. She probably won't, but at least she thought about it.

She admitted she was really scared, can't trust anyone because everyone hurts her, and she has no idea what is happening to her life.

I'm REALLY scared for her, she is so easily hurt and I don't want to do that. Sad thing is, if I feel really low, like the next 3 months are going to make me feel, I can't tell her, even if she asks, because she's not strong enough. It's going to be like looking after her, with nothing in return, and I wanted a mutual friendship.

Flatmate and I bought her a funny card and a strawberry smelling bear today to cheer her up, along with a tiny little card, which says "I think of you and smile"

Flatmate says she'll appreciate a little note too, full of positives and a text message later, now flatmate has told her not to be scared of me.

I just hope she reads it, as I want her to know how FANTASTIC she is!

Sazbo

Miro - the next three months are going to be hard for you, and you are going to need support yourself during that time. I guess what concerns me is you trying to spread yourself too thinly, wanting to look after S, during what might be a tough time for you. Just my thoughts, as always. Sx

Miroslav

Sazbo wrote:

Miro - the next three months are going to be hard for you, and you are going to need support yourself during that time. I guess what concerns me is you trying to spread yourself too thinly, wanting to look after S, during what might be a tough time for you. Just my thoughts, as always. Sx

I've never had support for what I go through in the next 3 months. Flatmate doesn't know dates and has never supported me over them.

I just hoped that 'S' and I could give and receive mutually, and that i'd found someone that cared for me, but sadly, maybe that's not the case.

I've always coped on my own, I guess I got a bit excited and thought someone could help me through for once.

Sazbo

Miroslav wrote:

I've never had support for what I go through in the next 3 months. Flatmate doesn't know dates and has never supported me over them.

I just hoped that 'S' and I could give and receive mutually, and that i'd found someone that cared for me, but sadly, maybe that's not the case.

I've always coped on my own, I guess I got a bit excited and thought someone could help me through for once.

Just didn't want you taking on too much hun, y'know? xx

Well, about another 30 minutes more work to do in the [STRIKE]prison[/STRIKE] office, and then home... :j :j

blinky

Miroslav wrote:

I don't feel good. Rather depressed and wondering, is it me?, am I destined to be alone forever?

No it's not you. You won't be alone forever. I can't say who or when it will be. It could be 'S' but I don't know and at the moment I don't think you know either. I know you would like it to be and it's worth trying to find out...

I have said this before but if you'd asked me in the summer if I would meet someone special I would have said "No I don't think I ever will". Compare that with where I am now.