depression

Sazbo

CCStar wrote:

Thank you

I feel I am a decent person and felt I was being a good mother. I can't fight a bad father and husband too. I paint my husband to be a total monster, of course there are times we are fine, but this has been an underlying problem since we got married.

We had to get out of debt when we first married and I had to be strong and it made me controlling. I have been accused of being too controlling. I was 17 when I married so did the best I could. I feel he has been rebelling against me ever since. He was more childish than I was, he was 30. I thought it was my hormones but since having them dealt with, I realise he contributed to a major part of our problems.

I am doing my best and tried many approaches. I am tired and don't feel that strong any more. I can only do my best and dealing with stupid stubborn 'donkeys' I call them. I don't know what else I can do anymore. For my health, I have to leave. Our son is an adult, he won't listen to me, I can't watch him turn into a loser. I have done my best as a mother, against a lot of aggro and bad health. I have to accept I cannot manage donkeys.

As far as your son and husband are concerned, you have done your best. That's all anyone can do. Sounds like you were being the adult at 17 and your husband was being the child (aged 30). And now, as you say he's rebelling. But you know what it is you need to do for yourself now, your strength will continue to be sapped, but keep going, the goal is in sight. Sx

Miroslav

Damn, just seen flatmate approaching........not a good sign this early. They usually stay out until 5 or 6

Sazbo

Miroslav wrote:

Damn, just seen flatmate approaching........not a good sign this early. They usually stay out until 5 or 6

everything crossed

Miroslav

Oh dear, she's not telling me. That means she wants to break it to me gently.

gillette147

Hi guys,

Has anyone heard from Ethel? I'm thinking of you and really hope you are ok.

CC big hug and thoughts to you.

Tiff (and sazbo)
Yes I can tell you're on my case Tiff.
I'm numb today. My mood lifts if I forget all of it but that doesn't get the babby washed as we say. If I try to deal with it I drop down again. I have waived my rights to compensation when I took redundancy - I did this under advice from physio when she said there is nothing major wrong with my back. I almost wish there was so I could just go on benefits and opt out of all this carp. I don't know if i'm depressed or just selfish - even coming on here just seems like being a drama queen. But I am unhappy, alone and daunted by life. Worse without job because I feel the pressure of an unsustainable life (bills to pay) but generally feel like it anyway. I put an act on of optimissm but it can only be kept up for a couple of days. Yes I love trees and music etc but so what. This is a worthless lonely life i'm living. I can say that without even being depressed when I say it. If my passing wouldn't hurt anybody I would probably go - in a quite undramatic way.
I have tinnnitus and my future is probably of deafness (and madness if I can't escape the noises) anyway.
I love my sister and her kids (and my mom I guess lol) but they've got there own lives and only want me as a bit player.
I don't take advice well and something in me rebels against doing the right thing sometimes. I know the "how to swallow an elephant - bit by bit approach" but I just want it all to go away on its own. I'm making myself go out tonite to a salsa do - but i don't want to.
I've been waiting for the dole forms all week - i feel trapped by them - i want someone to say "treat the next week as a holiday" but i'm not on holiday, i'm out of work!

Groan.

Miroslav

Still not telling me. Flatmate really prolongs things, I think she enjoys it

Not a hope of getting it out of her yet, pointless.

Tiff_2

Sazbo wrote:

Hi CCStar hun. Haven't heard from you for a bit. Please post if you get the chance, just wondering how you are. You have my sympathies re idiots. My policy has tended to be to try and isolate myself from them, but not sure that's been a totally winning strategy either... but feel free to vent here anytime. Thinking of you. Saz xxx

I know Saz - I keep finding you don't I?!!!:rotfl:
Much love
Tiff xxx

PS ''Where's my saucer of milk?! I'll tell Rosie! :rotfl:

Sazbo

gillette147 wrote:

Hi guys,

Has anyone heard from Ethel? I'm thinking of you and really hope you are ok.

CC big hug and thoughts to you.

Tiff (and sazbo)
Yes I can tell you're on my case Tiff.
I'm numb today. My mood lifts if I forget all of it but that doesn't get the babby washed as we say. If I try to deal with it I drop down again. I have waived my rights to compensation when I took redundancy - I did this under advice from physio when she said there is nothing major wrong with my back. I almost wish there was so I could just go on benefits and opt out of all this carp. I don't know if i'm depressed or just selfish - even coming on here just seems like being a drama queen. But I am unhappy, alone and daunted by life. Worse without job because I feel the pressure of an unsustainable life (bills to pay) but generally feel like it anyway. I put an act on of optimissm but it can only be kept up for a couple of days. Yes I love trees and music etc but so what. This is a worthless lonely life i'm living. I can say that without even being depressed when I say it. If my passing wouldn't hurt anybody I would probably go - in a quite undramatic way.
I have tinnnitus and my future is probably of deafness (and madness if I can't escape the noises) anyway.
I love my sister and her kids (and my mom I guess lol) but they've got there own lives and only want me as a bit player.
I don't take advice well and something in me rebels against doing the right thing sometimes. I know the "how to swallow an elephant - bit by bit approach" but I just want it all to go away on its own. I'm making myself go out tonite to a salsa do - but i don't want to.
I've been waiting for the dole forms all week - i feel trapped by them - i want someone to say "treat the next week as a holiday" but i'm not on holiday, i'm out of work!

Groan.

Big hugs Gillette. No, haven't heard from Ethel yet. Hope she's ok and that she'll post soon. As Tiff says, the way you are feeling about yourself right now is one consequence of the depression. It makes you feel isolated and worthless. So no - you are not selfish, or a drama queen and you are just as entitled to post on here as anyone else; and please do any, any time.

Totally understand what you say about rebelling against doing the right thing. You wouldn't believe me if I told you just how much of my life was spent doing exactly that. But you know what? I found this thread, I found the wonderful people on here, and ok, yes, Tiff nagged me relentlessly and then one day, I picked up the phone. I asked for help, for the first time in my life. No, I'm not out of the woods yet by any means. Heck, I'm still up in the branches. But it's a start. Make that call to your GP, gilly hun. But in the meantime enjoy salsa tonight!

Love Sazzy x

Sazbo

Tiff wrote:

I know Saz - I keep finding you don't I?!!!:rotfl:
Much love
Tiff xxx

:rotfl:

Tiff wrote:

PS ''Where's my saucer of milk?! I'll tell Rosie! :rotfl:

:eek: *saz panicking and running round kitchen like a headless chicken* Phew! Here we are! A nice big saucer of gold-top milk. Tiffy's favourite! And I'm putting another one alongside it for Rosie, too. Love, Sxx

gillette147

Thanks Sazbo xx

Telling the doctor I'm depressed feels like a huge step. Feels like they will slap me and tell me to get over it.

My tinnutus has got alot worse in the last month. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a reoccurrence of the Klestiatoma I had sugically removed two years ago. It's throbbing for the first time today. I'm still in BUPA until the end of the year so I might phone the hospital about it.