depression

Sazbo

regularsaver1 wrote:

Yes sazbo - I was also literally told I have no career there. I;ve worked there for 4 years!!! Was told I only would be able to move on, if I could get through interview

she said - if you had a supervisor whoi was a man and you cried he couldn't deal with that all the time and would say you couldn't do the job

Easy to say I know but I would say take no notice - you're obviously doing a good job there, sounds to me like they feel threatened...?

rose07

feelinggood wrote:

I've never talked about it in so much detail, it helped I think. I flinched and cried and stuff while talking about it - but felt relieved after.
I have had a few conselling sessions, and she just thought I was lying cos I laughed and made jokes - she didn't understand that I can only talk about things if I make light of them and distance myself - like I'm talking about it happening to someone else.
If you told me, in all honesty and detail what happened, I'd be able to see that you weren't to blame. Like if I told you all about what happened to me - you wouldn't think I was to blame. Yet because it is ourselves, we blame ourselves. I've spent so long going over the what ifs - what if I'd have stayed at home that day, what if I'd have left 10 minutes earlier, 10 minutes later etc.
I had a flashback a few weeks ago - thats what triggered the SH'ing that I did that night. It was so scary, I was back there, I could taste the mud in my mouth, smell them etc. Horrid. Its amazing how it affects so much of my life, even know. Its 6 years for gods sake, I should be over this. But it takes time, patience and stuff to get over something as bad as that.
Took me five years to say the word. Its kind of liberating, still hurts a bit when I say it.
I didn't go to the police - I didn't think anyone would believe me, and I thought it was my fault. but it is never your fault.

there is only one councellor who i have talked to, where it did some good, she was amazing, she got through to me soo much, but that was in newcastle and now im back home i dont have as much support as i did.

yeah i think some people think i lie bout things too, as i laugh things off, i joke and try and make light of it all, but really im hurting inside and all i wanna do is scream and say whats really going on. but cant, something stops me. i dont lie as i learnt along time ago it only comes back to bite ya on the bum.

no your right i wouldnt think you were to blame either, jut blame meself i dunno why.
im getting all kinda a things, nightmars, visions, flashbacks, physical pain. its srange, such a weird feeling.

i can still see there faces, i can still see them laughing, and me scared, trapped, vulnerable, and dead inside. i can smell the cigarettes, the drugs, the drink on thier breathe, i can still see two of them by the door trapping me, while the other two hold me down. and i still dont understand.

its been 3 years now, was 3 years in october.
and i think i should be over it, i dunno why i cant even say the word,

gunna have to crash in a mo

my parents are having a go, god you wouldnt think i was in m 20s :rolleyes:

xxx

regularsaver1

No I just think I don't fit their "mould".

Maybe i need out for myself

rose07

feelinggood wrote:

Random fact - everyone on this page has a post count in the 1000''s, we are all between 1000 and 1999. How cool is that?

pretty coll FG, god poor tiff is gonna have alot to catch up on

tiff where are ya tonight???
xxx

Sazbo

rose07 wrote:

pretty coll FG, god poor tiff is gonna have alot to catch up on

tiff where are ya tonight???
xxx

yeah tiff where are ya? xx

feelinggood_2

rose07 wrote:

there is only one councellor who i have talked to, where it did some good, she was amazing, she got through to me soo much, but that was in newcastle and now im back home i dont have as much support as i did.

yeah i think some people think i lie bout things too, as i laugh things off, i joke and try and make light of it all, but really im hurting inside and all i wanna do is scream and say whats really going on. but cant, something stops me. i dont lie as i learnt along time ago it only comes back to bite ya on the bum.

no your right i wouldnt think you were to blame either, jut blame meself i dunno why.
im getting all kinda a things, nightmars, visions, flashbacks, physical pain. its srange, such a weird feeling.

i can still see there faces, i can still see them laughing, and me scared, trapped, vulnerable, and dead inside. i can smell the cigarettes, the drugs, the drink on thier breathe, i can still see two of them by the door trapping me, while the other two hold me down. and i still dont understand.

its been 3 years now, was 3 years in october.
and i think i should be over it, i dunno why i cant even say the word,

gunna have to crash in a mo

my parents are having a go, god you would think i was in m 20s :rolleyes:

xxx

The degradation you feel is horrific isn't it? I think cos there was two of them, it made me feel even worse - not only had someone 'done' that to me - but they talked and laughed during it, and probably talking about it afterwards too - felt like a cheap piece of meat.
I don't remember the date - I went home and got very very drunk. I spent everyday drinking for a good 4-5 months after that - sad, sad, sad thing. I got told off for getting home late too - I wanted to tell my mum, but I couldn't - how could I say that? "sorry I'm late mum but I was raped by two guys on my way home". You just can't find the words. I wish I'd never told her - she was so upset - upset not only becuase she let that happen to her little girl, but also upset that I didn't tell her.
We'll get through this Rose - we will.
Have you looked up about post traumatic stress disorder? I know we can't discuss stuff like that, but its interesting to read
xxx

Miroslav

Right, mixed night as I said, although mainly positive!

She came at 4.30, said hello etc etc. Was a bit awkward, but we got on okay. Britney was on in the background, which she mentioned a bit....

Walked to the fair.........was a bit sad.......

Got to the fair, it all changed.......

I didn't go on any rides, but 'S' took about 7 or 8 quid.........£5 to get in to fireworks..........£2.50 a ride...........you do the maths.

So, I paid for all 3 of us to get in, and paid for loads of rides for both of them, both paid for a couple themselves, but I paid for stalls etc etc...........I mean £8 to last 4 hours...........lucky I took £70!!!!! But money very well spent.

She won 2 cuddly toys with my money! And I won another! And gave it to her

Bought us all some food.........Burgers, warm tea and soup........

Awwwww, she looked kinda sad at times, because she had so little money, so to see her face when I paid, it made me soooooooooooooooooooo happy........spent about £30 on her, wirth every last penny

Once we settled she was laughing and joking with me............she's like a big kid at times........awwwwww

One bad bit though............she saw the guy who tried to rape her Apparently he used to get his mates around and they all used to humiliate her She totally lost it and started freaking out...........luckily I put my arm around her and she calmed down after a few tears.

She kept apologising but we were okay with it, kept making sure she was okay.

Saw yet another side to her tonight, she's really sweet.

We hopefully are off to the cinema on Friday............wonder what 'S' will turn up then

Probably missed a load out, that I can tell you later

Got a bit funny towards the end..............18 years since my Grandad died today.........the last time I went to the fair and bonfire was 4th November 1988.......he died that night, so it felt very strange...........didn't tell her though, but flatmate told me to tell her, but I refused.

Text her in the end though, saying had great time, that I really care about her and explained about grandad.

Didn't think she'd reply, but she did

Along the lines of

"I care about you, I want to get to know you more, sorry about the anniversary, hope you are ok, c u friday, I will phone u b4.....big hug from me! 'S' x"

Which made me tearful

d'oh!

Oh and earlier she tried to hug me when I felt bad, and I turned away, so I felt bad about rejecting her, so before we got her in a taxi (My money again!) I gave her a big hug and she had a big smile on her face.


I hope tonight is the beginning of many good times

She did say she may be leaving the town, or it's an option because of bad memories............so I text her that she may have bad memories, but she can't leave as me and flatmate care about her, and we'll make more good memories, and by leaving, she's letting the other people win.

I really really care about her, I just hope she meant it when she said she cared about me

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

feelinggood_2

Aww Miro, glad I stayed up to read that, I'm happy now.
I'm so glad for you that there were sooo many positives!
And I can uncross my fingers, and you cross yours now!
Talk to you tomorrow, I'll send you a big big big message tomorrow,
take cares xxxxxxxxx

Miroslav

feelinggood wrote:

Aww Miro, glad I stayed up to read that, I'm happy now.
I'm so glad for you that there were sooo many positives!
And I can uncross my fingers, and you cross yours now!
Talk to you tomorrow, I'll send you a big big big message tomorrow,
take cares xxxxxxxxx

Did I make sense?

Everything is crossed for you tomorrow with 'H'...........wasn't he once in Steps? :think:

Sazbo

Miroslav wrote:

Right, mixed night as I said, although mainly positive!

She came at 4.30, said hello etc etc. Was a bit awkward, but we got on okay. Britney was on in the background, which she mentioned a bit....

Walked to the fair.........was a bit sad.......

Got to the fair, it all changed.......

I didn't go on any rides, but 'S' took about 7 or 8 quid.........£5 to get in to fireworks..........£2.50 a ride...........you do the maths.

So, I paid for all 3 of us to get in, and paid for loads of rides for both of them, both paid for a couple themselves, but I paid for stalls etc etc...........I mean £8 to last 4 hours...........lucky I took £70!!!!! But money very well spent.

She won 2 cuddly toys with my money! And I won another! And gave it to her

Bought us all some food.........Burgers, warm tea and soup........

Awwwww, she looked kinda sad at times, because she had so little money, so to see her face when I paid, it made me soooooooooooooooooooo happy........spent about £30 on her, wirth every last penny

Once we settled she was laughing and joking with me............she's like a big kid at times........awwwwww

One bad bit though............she saw the guy who tried to rape her Apparently he used to get his mates around and they all used to humiliate her She totally lost it and started freaking out...........luckily I put my arm around her and she calmed down after a few tears.

She kept apologising but we were okay with it, kept making sure she was okay.

Saw yet another side to her tonight, she's really sweet.

We hopefully are off to the cinema on Friday............wonder what 'S' will turn up then

Probably missed a load out, that I can tell you later

Got a bit funny towards the end..............18 years since my Grandad died today.........the last time I went to the fair and bonfire was 4th November 1988.......he died that night, so it felt very strange...........didn't tell her though, but flatmate told me to tell her, but I refused.

Text her in the end though, saying had great time, that I really care about her and explained about grandad.

Didn't think she'd reply, but she did

Along the lines of

"I care about you, I want to get to know you more, sorry about the anniversary, hope you are ok, c u friday, I will phone u b4.....big hug from me! 'S' x"

Which made me tearful

d'oh!

Oh and earlier she tried to hug me when I felt bad, and I turned away, so I felt bad about rejecting her, so before we got her in a taxi (My money again!) I gave her a big hug and she had a big smile on her face.


I hope tonight is the beginning of many good times

She did say she may be leaving the town, or it's an option because of bad memories............so I text her that she may have bad memories, but she can't leave as me and flatmate care about her, and we'll make more good memories, and by leaving, she's letting the other people win.

I really really care about her, I just hope she meant it when she said she cared about me

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Awww Miro love, brings tears to my eyes. I don't doubt it is the beginning of many good times, nothing less than you deserve. You see? You're a wonderful person with so much to give. I'm not at all surprised you had a good evening with 'S'. Sxxxx