depression

feelinggood_2

rose07 wrote:

so you know what i mean then? its a funny feeling as sometimes i can be a blank canvas numb and empty and everything is just fine. then next minute i feel like i am a broken canvas, paint splattered everywhere, holes through me, and inside out to the point of no return.

im glad you have found a friend and they can keep you going, it is nice to have people around us, real or online, friends all mean the same. tho all my friends are away at the moment. my friend that went to london is coming back in a week tho, so that will keep me going as me and her are like this (rose crosses fingers).

i think about you too FG, i think about all of you when im at work and everything. you are always in me thoughts xxx

thanks hun, its good to know you are all here xxx:grouphug:

I struggle to understand my emotions - I'm kinda low alot, but also do feel happiness, but alot of fear aswell. Can understand about the paint - right now I'm blank I think - well, I feel like a paint splattered canvas, thats been painted over white. but the paint is starting to dry and colours are peaking through.
This is the first 'friend' I've actually had - I'm trying so hard not to screw it up and do what I always do - try and sleep with them :rotfl: For so long I've only ever felt good enough to be used, to change in to someone who people like and want to spend time with is rather challenging.
Glad your friend is coming back soon xx

Miroslav

Sazbo wrote:

How you doing Miro hun? x

I'm okay, typing a reply now about my day. Hope your visit to your folks was okay?

feelinggood_2

rose07 wrote:

i aint very good at asking for help or saying im not ok, only doing it here as i am attatched to me lappy like glue x
it terrifies me to ring someone up.
yeah i know i cant snap out of it, but when people say it to you makes you think you should.
dunno if im having a panic attack, just sore heart and ribs and things
just alot of pain
xxxx

If you fell downstairs and broke a leg, you'd phone someone wouldn't you?
If you don't feel you can, they have an email service on the website I think. I know how hard it is to ask for help - how long did it take me to get back to the doctors!
When I'm very low, I get a chest pain - sorta like my chest is being crushed - its tight and hot. Different to a panic attack, its a odd kind of pain, but really feels like pain, you know?
If you are very worrying about things, could you meditate? Lie in bed? Read?
watch a movie? listen to fave music?
The samariatins were very good - the first time I phoned, the first thing I said was that I shouldn't be phoning, then burst in to tears. The guy just talked to me while I cried for an hour - then I was ready to talk an he listened, and really helped me make sense of things.
Take care sweetie x

rose07

feelinggood wrote:

Have you ever talked about everything you've been through?
The other day, I actually talked a bit about the rape, managed to say outloud things I'd never ever said to myself. It hurt, but I feel like a weight is off my shoulders. And now, I can start believeing that it wasn't my fault.
5 years I kept everything bottled up, and it very nearly killed me.

:T :T :T well done you

i do talk about things, yeah but not in depth, like if im with my councellor it feels like im numb and that someone else is talking and im not actually dealing with anything by talking about it. like it all comes out, but it doesnt do anything, maybe im having trouble accepting it all. (wow, never said that before)i think i aint over it all, i still cant even say the word hun. i am still blaming myself and i still have flashbacks and things. and because nothing was done it makes it all worse and i convince myself i must deserve it. but i cant accept it. why would people do that? there are too many questions.
im very good at keeping things bottled up, and yeah i have nearly died too from it all, had a very, very close call back in june. xxx
xxxx

rose07

feelinggood wrote:

I struggle to understand my emotions - I'm kinda low alot, but also do feel happiness, but alot of fear aswell. Can understand about the paint - right now I'm blank I think - well, I feel like a paint splattered canvas, thats been painted over white. but the paint is starting to dry and colours are peaking through.
This is the first 'friend' I've actually had - I'm trying so hard not to screw it up and do what I always do - try and sleep with them :rotfl: For so long I've only ever felt good enough to be used, to change in to someone who people like and want to spend time with is rather challenging.
Glad your friend is coming back soon xx

we all need a friend

i struggle with me emotions too. theres soo much building up

its important to have people around us that we can trust and appreciate us, you sound like me when i was younger trying to fit in with everyone else, doing what i thought people wanted me to do, and most times yes ending up in bed

but you gotta take i easi hun, be yourself and not who you think you should be. if people dont like it then its thier problem, we are each our individual people, yes we have faults but we are only human.

give yourself some respect and others will follow xxx:grouphug:

feelinggood_2

rose07 wrote:

:T :T :T well done you

i do talk about things, yeah but not in depth, like if im with my councellor it feels like im numb and that someone else is talking and im not actually dealing with anything by talking about it. like it all comes out, but it doesnt do anything, maybe im having trouble accepting it all. (wow, never said that before)i think i aint over it all, i still cant even say the word hun. i am still blaming myself and i still have flashbacks and things. and because nothing was done it makes it all worse and i convince myself i must deserve it. but i cant accept it. why would people do that? there are too many questions.
im very good at keeping things bottled up, and yeah i have nearly died too from it all, had a very, very close call back in june. xxx
xxxx

I've never talked about it in so much detail, it helped I think. I flinched and cried and stuff while talking about it - but felt relieved after.
I have had a few conselling sessions, and she just thought I was lying cos I laughed and made jokes - she didn't understand that I can only talk about things if I make light of them and distance myself - like I'm talking about it happening to someone else.
If you told me, in all honesty and detail what happened, I'd be able to see that you weren't to blame. Like if I told you all about what happened to me - you wouldn't think I was to blame. Yet because it is ourselves, we blame ourselves. I've spent so long going over the what ifs - what if I'd have stayed at home that day, what if I'd have left 10 minutes earlier, 10 minutes later etc.
I had a flashback a few weeks ago - thats what triggered the SH'ing that I did that night. It was so scary, I was back there, I could taste the mud in my mouth, smell them etc. Horrid. Its amazing how it affects so much of my life, even know. Its 6 years for gods sake, I should be over this. But it takes time, patience and stuff to get over something as bad as that.
Took me five years to say the word. Its kind of liberating, still hurts a bit when I say it.
I didn't go to the police - I didn't think anyone would believe me, and I thought it was my fault. but it is never your fault.

Sazbo

Miroslav wrote:

I'm okay, typing a reply now about my day. Hope your visit to your folks was okay?

Hiya hun. Visit to folks was ok. Their usual mad selves So how was your evening babe? x

feelinggood_2

rose07 wrote:

we all need a friend

i struggle with me emotions too. theres soo much building up

its important to have people around us that we can trust and appreciate us, you sound like me when i was younger trying to fit in with everyone else, doing what i thought people wanted me to do, and most times yes ending up in bed

but you gotta take i easi hun, be yourself and not who you think you should be. if people dont like it then its thier problem, we are each our individual people, yes we have faults but we are only human.

give yourself some respect and others will follow xxx:grouphug:

Thats what I like about my new friend. I need a name like Miro has. Mmm, I'll call him 'H'. I'll forget that by later :rotfl:
He isn't after anything, he is just a genuinely nice guy. He makes me feel good about me. Yeah, I'll shut up now, you don't want a 10,000 word essay about how I'm feeling about someone I hardly know lol

rose07

feelinggood wrote:

If you fell downstairs and broke a leg, you'd phone someone wouldn't you?
If you don't feel you can, they have an email service on the website I think. I know how hard it is to ask for help - how long did it take me to get back to the doctors!
When I'm very low, I get a chest pain - sorta like my chest is being crushed - its tight and hot. Different to a panic attack, its a odd kind of pain, but really feels like pain, you know?
If you are very worrying about things, could you meditate? Lie in bed? Read?
watch a movie? listen to fave music?
The samariatins were very good - the first time I phoned, the first thing I said was that I shouldn't be phoning, then burst in to tears. The guy just talked to me while I cried for an hour - then I was ready to talk an he listened, and really helped me make sense of things.
Take care sweetie x

im just too scared hun, and as i say i dunno quite where i am at how can i tell people how or whats going on when i dunno mself?
yeah i get the crushed feeling too. i understand hun.

i have tried all kinds of things hun. i even was in town today and took tiff's advice got a sketch pad, and alsotried to find a meditation tape but couldnt find one anywhere. xxx

i did find great help in a team called the crisis team once think i ended up talking to a guy for hours he certainly helped me and was funi, and that was at 4 in the mornig or somethhing like that, that was back in june tho.

oh Sh*t patrents are back, better go wash eyes out......

xxx

feelinggood_2

rose07 wrote:

im just too scared hun, and as i say i dunno quite where i am at how can i tell people how or whats going on when i dunno mself?
yeah i get the crushed feeling too. i understand hun.

i have tried all kinds of things hun. i even was in town today and took tiff's advice got a sketch pad, and alsotried to find a meditation tape but couldnt find one anywhere. xxx

i did find great help in a team called the crisis team once think i ended up talking to a guy for hours he certainly helped me and was funi, and that was at 4 in the mornig or somethhing like that, that was back in june tho.

oh Sh*t patrents are back, better go wash eyes out......

xxx

You take care hun
I'm going to have to go to bed before I get shouted at - I'll be thinking about you tonight.
If you want to email me, feel free - even if it is random mutterings that make no sense, my inbox is always open xxxxx
Thinking of you, take care.
I'll check in on you tomorrow,
Muuch love xx