My 10 year old has anger management problems - how to help?

Spendless

stressedoutmum- have you ever tried reflection of feelings? It's where you say 'and that made you feel sad because you felt it was unfair' or 'and that made you angry because .......'. I'd never even heard of it till I did the families first course and when I tried it on my DS it was like someone had stuck a magic wand in my hand and I just got a mournful 'yessss' followed by a change of subject to something happier instead of it turning into a huge kick-off.

Indie_Kid

stressedoutmum wrote: »

Thought I would give you an update on my son. I decided to talk to him last night while everything was calm. I asked him why he kicks everything and firstly he said it calms him down. When I said he continually kicks things so how can it calm him down?

Sometimes, it can be very difficult to answer questions like this. I self harm which calms me down. I can't tell explain why - it just does. Although, from what someone has said, it could be release of energy/anger?

What does he/anyone else do in order for him to kick off?

stressedoutmum

Sillythings he does. If he is in a bad mood and Ive asked him to get washed dressed etc either ready for school or bed he won't. I will ask him again and he won't so he gets told off then he goes into a mood. Everytime we have a discussion about what happened and I always tell himto stop and think about what he's doing before I remove his toys but he carries on misbehaving. I then speak to him and ask why did you lose your PS and he will tell me exactly why. Then I ask how many chances did you get and he will answer lots and then I say whose fault is it you lost it and he will say its his own. He always admits he has been wrong but he's still quite happy carrying on his bad behaviour until he loses his toys a d eventually calms down. We also stick by what we say so he knows if I say its going then it does until he earns it back. It could be his homework, not eating his tea - anything that can set him off if he. He doesnt do it every time he is upset but when he loses it he loses it. I always tell him that I love him very much but sometimes dont like him when he behaves as he does. I also ask how would you feel if I kicked things that belonged to you and he says not happy at all.

kezlou

donquine wrote: »

Perhaps you could talk to your DS and suggest whenever he feels himself getting angry, he goes to his room and sits by himself for a bit (maybe reading) until he feels calmer. This isn't you sending him to his room, this is him learning to recognise when he needs some quiet time away from whatever is winding him up and him solving the problem himself.

This is exactly what i did with my 9 1/2 year old son, and it does work. When he was quite young he had a blazing temper exactly the same as me. In fact he is the same as me he bottles up his emotions/anger and then the last straw comes and boom all hell breaks loose, things get broken etc

Since he was at least 3yrs old and his tempter become increasingly more violent i would put him in his bedroom and shut the door and leave him to kick and scream. Obviously everything that could hurt him was taken out so i knew he was safe. sometimes he would try and open door to attack me but just put him back in there and held the door shut. Usually after 15 mins he would calm down say sorry and have lots of hugs and cuddles. Now he is nearly 10 he still has a short fuse but he's become to recognise that if he feels something bubbling up inside he either talks to us about or if he feels like he needs some quiet time he goes into his bedroom and reads a book.We apply the same thing to DS2 and it really works with him too, another thing i bought was a punch bag, yes silly i know, but if they feel like they need a release of violent energy we say use the punch bag to release it. If you want to be vocal then scream into a pillow or scream to music.

An incident happened at school, this had never happened before as eruptions only ever happened at home and he really lost his temper and attacked three 10 yr old children because he thought they were beating up his 5yr old brother .Turned out he got the wrong of the stick entirely. We had a massive talk with him along with the headteacher. I asked to speak to the school nurse about behavioural issues and maybe counselling for him. The school nurse was fantastic, she took in a separate room to speak with him for about 20 minutes, both came out and DS1 was happy and in strictest confidence was told her what he behaved the way he did. Now he's much happier in himself, his controlling his temper and no other counselling was needed. No labels or stigma attached and all contained within three people within the school and ourselves.Sometimes speaking to a school nurse can be a lot more beneficial than you think.

It could be that he lots of hormones (testosterone) flying through his body, after all he's the age as well where puberty begins to show. Maybe a martial arts class may help to control his temper and maybe could be his "special" activity.

Just hang in there, you are doing the right thing hun x

Gingham_Ribbon

I agree about finding a parenting class.

I also agree about contacting the police. Without hesitation. If you know someone who is a police officer, perhaps they could come round in uniform to talk to him? If not, call the non emergency number and ask what would happen if you brought him in or called them for help during one of his outbursts. If my child stole or hit me for example, I'd have no hesitation in letting them see what the inside of the police station looked like.

However, the most important thing is to try to deal with why it's happening. It doesn't happen anywhere else, so something different is going on at home that can be changed to help him. I found reading 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' really opened my eyes to a way of communicating with my children that has shaped our whole relationship. There is some very interesting information on consequences not punishment and how to say things in a less negative way that really helps.

This is a serious problem. Without wanting to frighten you, my ex was like that at home, but nowhere else. That is until he came to live with me and he began treating me the way he'd treated his mum.