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My 10 year old has anger management problems - how to help?
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Bonnie2009 wrote: »I really can't believe you suggested that.
Whats the alternative..?
Get involved in modernist claptrap about diet, E numbers and anger management courses? Next thing someone will say he should be checked for ADHD or similar?
If i had kicked off at home i would have got a slap.
Sometiems the old fashioned tried and tested approaches work better.Feudal Britain needs land reform. 70% of the land is "owned" by 1 % of the population and at least 50% is unregistered (inherited by landed gentry). Thats why your slave box costs so much..0 -
A ten year old is responsioble for their actions. If they are damaging property then it should involve the police. If a ten year old got angry and kicked your front door in, would you not report it?
This kid needs help and he needs to understand that you don't go round punching or kicking anything, no matter how much you don't get your own way.Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam0 -
This is the 3rd time I tried to replyto this post - dont know where my replies are going?? One person hit the nail on the head when she says he wants to control us. He used to get a reaction from me when he screamed and shouted - now he doesnt, he soon stops but he has realised that he definitely get a reaction when he starts kicking and banging. Its hard to let him carry on because he kicks the furniture we bought him ie his bed, chest of drawers etc. When I put him outside he screams and shouts "stop bullying me, you are being horrible to me, you're nasty etc" I am mortified and bring him back in and am also frightened someone calls social services feeling sorry for him! He always wants to be the centre of attention whether its good or bad. If I give my other son a cuddle then he "squeezes" in. When friends visits he tries to overtake - look at me - look at what Ive done etc so I end up sending him out the room until he minds his manners. Anyone would think he came from an unstable background but he has a very stable background with loads of cuddles support and praise. He definitely doesnt do this at school. He has no problem at school apart from the fact he doesnt like it. He does silly things at school to get attention but he doesnt cause fights or is aggressive etc. He's always been like this but we thought he might grow out of it. my husband doesnt want to seek any help as sometimes you get tagged by doctors, health visitors etc and if I seriously thought he had a mental health problem I would but I think its more behaviourial?0
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The police will not intervene in this case for a couple of very good reasons:
Firstly, it is not good for any child to be labelled delinquent and to be on the record of a government agency. The child will begin to see themselves as delinquent, or else they will see themselves as having mental health problems. Once labelled, they will live that self-fulfilling prophecy. (That's another reason why I don't like to see small children labelled with 'syndromes', seeing counsellors and GPs etc - especially since it is more likely that the family is the source of any unwanted behaviour and there's nothing wrong with the child).
At the age of 10, a child has only just reached the age of criminal responsibility. In theory they could be given a reprimand, so long as their 'victim' of their temper tantrum was prepared to make a statement. I can't see the OP doing that.
Quite a few parents turn up at police stations with a petrified child and ask the officers to give the child a right good talking to about their behaviour - stealing from mum's purse, uncontrollable fighting with siblings, petty theft, glue sniffing etc. For obvious reasons the police are not going to get involved with a situation that they know nothing about and which has nothing to do with them. Neither do they want to make the encounter official for all the reasons that I wrote about above.
So, the police are not the people to help sort out this family's challenges.0 -
ahhhhh a power struggle been there and my suggestion is to ask if there's any parenting courses for you to attend eg 'what can a parent do' mine was run by families first or webster strattons 'The incredible years'. Ask at your nearest children's centre. please don't feel there's a stigma to attending one of these, they can open you up to ideas you may never have heard of- I didn't realise I was in a power struggle with my eldest till I went on one.0
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my son is also 10 and has had problems with his temper - he can push, shove, shout and throw things around at home and has a very short fuse. This behaviour has come about since he changed schools in sept and i've recently discovered that hes be having problems with "friends" - hes being left out and has been called names and taunted. Since I found this out, we now talk about his problems he has improved a lot, so I just wondered if everything was alright with your son at school, and if much of his frustration and aggression is brought about by things that might be happenign outside the home.0
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meant to say that I think the "lock him in the cupboard/report him to the police" type responses are most unhelpful and hurtful when you have asked for help for your son.0
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Hi there, firstly try not to stress. You need to speak to your GP and get a referral.
I had the same with my son (11 now) but it was the same at school sometimes and has been since he was 3. My main worry was that I couldn't control a 10 year old but what about when he 15?? I didn't stand a chance when he was in a rage. What happens then.
The school also noticed the problems and have been brilliant working with me. They referred me to a local nurse who had a meeting with me and decided to refer me to local counsellor.
The counsellor explained that although she works for the mental health trust they deal with all sorts of problems and issues and you don't get labelled.
So she starting meeting with my son every 2 weeks and every 4 weeks we had a family meeting. It then increased to every week. Under the data protection act she cannot discuss with me what they spoke about unless he said so. But she gave him goals to work towards and I must admit they did help. And also gave the family tips aswell. My son no longer sees his counsellor and his temper is definitley better. He stills shouts at us but there is no more harming himself, attacking people, kicking or screaming. Again he would shout at us that he wished he was dead, should never have been born, we don't love him, he even wrote all over his school books he wished he was dead. I was forever being called out of work.
If I find that I still have a problem then they are there and I can contact them at any time. As of yet I haven't needed to.
I still don't know the reason behind his rages but I know how to deal with them better, even the school have said that he is like a changed boy.
I think that for my son that just having someone to talk to was a help. He learnt some things and the family sessions although very daunting at first where helpful. It was a chance for us explain how we were feeling dealing with him as him explaining to us.
He also learnt about anger management for example if his sister was winding him up then all he had to do was remove himself from the situation before losing control. Then report back to the counsellor at the next session. He only saw his counsellor for 4 months beforethey felt that he didn't need them anymore. All I get in rages now is a 'Kevin & Perry' teenager - oww that's not fair, you always blame me etc so nothing as bad as at was.
Please encourage your husband to do this and it will benefit you all.
HTH0 -
C_Mababejive wrote: »OK maybe not lock him in the cupboard but banish him to his room to contemplate his feelings.
Whats the alternative..?
Get involved in modernist claptrap about diet, E numbers and anger management courses? Next thing someone will say he should be checked for ADHD or similar?
If i had kicked off at home i would have got a slap.
Sometiems the old fashioned tried and tested approaches work better.
As somebody who was brought up with these tried and tested approaches and felt they were totally appropriate, I always applied them to my own ds (now 15) with varying degrees of success, however over the past three years he has displayed increasingly aggressive and disruptive behaviour, including threatening my husband with a baseball bat 12 months ago.
These tried and tested methods only exacerbated the problem. We eventually had a referal to the CAMHS team who diagnosed ADHD. Since then the support and help we have had have greatly improved the situation and has helped my son and ourselves to use different approaches.
If you have not experienced the distress and and helplessness that arises from seeing your child in such a situation and not being able to help them it is extremely insensitive to refer to dismiss other peoples experiences as modernist claptrap.S/W -1, *-1.5, +1:o, -1/2, *-2, -2.5,0 -
Thought I would give you an update on my son. I decided to talk to him last night while everything was calm. I asked him why he kicks everything and firstly he said it calms him down. When I said he continually kicks things so how can it calm him down? But it didnt look like he was being truthful so I said I know why you do it but I want you to tell me. Then he said to get your attention and annoy you because I am angry. He said when he screams and shouts I blank him but when he kicks things he knows it winds me up! So he knows exactly what he's doing and can control it so Ive told him I am not going to play his silly games. In future if he kicks I wont be moving him elsewhere in the house so anything he damages will be in his room and it wont be replaced so his friends can see what a mess he has made. Hopefully things should improve now.I hope so. My only concern is what do I say to the neighbour when my son is being as rowdy as he is the next time he decides to kick off? I only every moved him into the kitchen because we are semi detached and the kitchen side had no neighbours.0
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