My 10 year old has anger management problems - how to help?

stressedoutmum

I've just had a nightmare over xmas with my 10 year old son. He is a lovely kind caring boy but when he loses his temper (which is often) he really loses it and its very frightening. No amount of reasonining, ignoring or talking helps and he kicks everything in sight., He has always had a problem with his temper and when he cant have what he wants he goes off on a tantrum. He shouts, screams and says horrible things about everyone which are very hurtful. I used to get very upset and shout and scream at him back which I know didnt help but eventually I learned to totally ignore his behaviour until he came and apologised. For a while this worked but for the past 6 months because we are ignoring him he has then started kicking doors, furniture etc. Firstly he would do this in his bedroom so I put him into the kitchen as there wasnt much around to kick but then he started kicking the unit doors so I put him in theback garden to calm down but then he almost breaks the door down which is partly glass and I bring him back in because I'm frightened of the danger to him. He's kicked the chairs over the place, all his new toys for christmas, his bedroom door - anyting in sight He is very scary when he's like this and we can't seem to control him at all. I worry about him for the future. I'm not sure where we go from here but he has to learn he can't behave like this. He's always had a temper and it causes a lot of problems in the family. I took him to the doctor before for advice and he told me he is in fact a very clever little boy as he doesnt do this at school or anywhere else. No family or friends have seen this as he only does it at home which means he can control it. Has anyone else had experience of this. I am frightened for the future and want it sorted especially before he goes to secondary school as teenage years bring their own problems. We have tried talking to him when everyone is calm but he says he doesnt know why he does it and knows its not acceptable but then he does the same the next day again.

fernliebee

Personally I would have left him in his bedroom doing it, as at least everything he breaks in there is his, and I would not be replacing any thing broken in anger so eventually he would start to realise that he is only punishing himself.

Hope you get this sorted or at least some support soon.

ali-t

could you ask the school to refer to educational psychology who could do some anger management with him?

Bonnie2009

Hope you don't mind me joining in on this!

I wondered what causes his anger? Is he frustrated over something (eg something won't work) or is he angry because he can't have his own way? When he damages things is it random, or does he deliberately damage other people's things?

Does he have any regular exercise? I think a lot of boys have so much energy they just don't know what to do with themselves. I know exercise can really help mood and also release energy in a more rewarding way.

Does he eat or drink anything with E numbers or high sugar levels?

I think you're right to ignore him when he is in a temper. I know you've said he isn't like that for other people, but I wonder what he would think if he could see himself behave like that? It's all too easy for him to pretend nothing's happened afterwards - if he had to watch himself, it might help him confront his own behaviour. I don't know how you could do this - obviously you wouldn't get far videoing him with his knowledge as that would be the first thing to go!

I know when my children were little I read something about temper tantrums in small children - I did this and it worked though I'm not sure how it would work with an older child - I used to hold my son very tightly, with my arms around him and my face next to his - the idea was that you virtually covered the child with your own body - it was hell, obviously, because of the noise and the thrashing about, but after a few minutes he would start to cry instead of scream and would become quiet. It's something to do with when they are babies and are wrapped tightly for comfort.

I hope you find a way to help him.

leylie

My friend had a similar problem with her son (also a bright lad)- if he was OK at school, he was a nightmare at home...when he could hold it together at home, he was a nightmare at school!
They got a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) via the GP and/or school (the head-teacher should be able to let you know how). It took a while, and the son didn't like it at all, but the parents went to some workshops and came away with some useful ideas - and good moral support from other parents - and he really is MUCH better now at controlling his temper!

In the meantime, just doing a google search for 'anger management for children' gives some links with useful advice. if you follow links through organisations such as the NHS, parentlineplus & patientUK you can be fairly sure it's reputable information.
(Don't be put off by the fact that this info is often under 'Mental Health')
Good Luck, you ARE doing the right thing asking for help now.

Kay_Peel

How does he feel about being out of control during a temper tantrum? Have you talked to him about it, at a time when he is calm, loving and kind? Does he feel ashamed and embarrassed or does he feel triumphant and defiant?

Does someone in the family wind him up or is he just trying to bully and manipulate you into giving him what he wants? Has he ever lost control outside the family, or can he contain his behaviour when he is at school or at a friend's house. In other words, does he only behave this way with his family?

If the problem only arises when he is with his family, then there really is no need to 'medicalise' or label his behaviour as abnormal. This is learnt behaviour - over his short life he has learnt an effective way of getting your attention and getting what he wants. How you responded to his behaviour and how you dealt with it in the past, will have been critical to its continuation.

I would agree with the poster who said that 10 year old boys need plenty of exercise and energetic ways to let off steam. So I would take him for a long walk every day (just like a boisterous young puppy!)

I would talk to him when he is calm and discuss ways of preventing him blowing his top - can he recognise when he is getting wound up and can he alert you to those feelings before they become a full blown melt-down? In other words I would give him some responsibility for coming up with a solution.

I would also look at myself and the rest of my family and try to fathom out why my child needs to use this tactic.

catspaw

How about removing everything that is his from is room....apart from the bed/wardrobe/drawers and when he starts send him to his room.
Ground him/set extreamly firm boundries and each timne he controls his temper let him have 1 thing back.

You said that he does it when he 'can't have what he wants'....this is a control issue.

He wants to controol you.

natbags

Hi we have had very similar problems with son when 6/7 (now 8) after discussing this with his teacher & head teacher (in despair)!!! they referred us to CAMHS - or they discreetly asked us if this service could be of interest to us - in our area a referral via GP is usually required to join the long waiting list, however school zones appeared to be slightly different and they could 'tap into' this service directly

The counsellor was amazing, did some great work with me, then my son then came to the house, had great suggestions and recommendatuions all the while being supportive to us all, especially my son and very discreet (didn't make him feel singled out by sessions etc... joined in his class at school). In all, it has been amazing, she has now been moved on to another role in the NHS and not been replaced (cut backs here i suspect) although we are very grateful for her advice and experience and while our son is much much better we are also better at dealing with these situations following her help and things are generally much better fo us all - so please try school and maybe GP for referral - totally worth giving it a go HTH

mrcow

If a ten year old was kicking and destroying my property, I'd stick them in the car and take them down the police station - and he could explain his anger issues to them.

Violence is no joke - and it's completely unacceptable for him to think that this is a way to deal with his temper.

Is he like it at school? or elsewhere?

donquine

I was a very angry child at home too. (Although not as destructive as your DS!) It stemmed from me not having the same beliefs as my family and feeling powerless. My family used to wind me up a lot (sometimes deliberately).

It took me such a long time to learn how to ignore points of view I didn't agree with and not let them upset me. Also, removing myself from the situation really helped. I calmed down quicker when by myself.

Perhaps you could talk to your DS and suggest whenever he feels himself getting angry, he goes to his room and sits by himself for a bit (maybe reading) until he feels calmer. This isn't you sending him to his room, this is him learning to recognise when he needs some quiet time away from whatever is winding him up and him solving the problem himself.

If he does this often enough, he should be able to progress to staying in the room physically, but putting his mind emotionally into that calm place. I'm talking from experience here.

Good luck. No matter how unacceptable his behaviour is now, you obviously love your DS and I have every confidence you'll be able to work through this with time. Don't give up on him.

Money_maker

DS2 used to get really angry, couldn't control it at all. He would not be destructive but he would literally blaze with anger and get very emotional. He said me holding his hand helped calm him down. Getting better now (he's 12) but quite a deep, emotional child.