little_h's big dreams :)

hypno06

Sounds like a very positive weekend for you - long may it continue!

little_h_2

hi everyone,

well all that positivity couldn't last and I am having a down in the dumps day today, feeling very trapped by my finances and very very lonely. To get out of debt I need to move. To move I need to spend a bit of money (and a lot of time) getting my house ship shape.....:( I'm not sure I am ready to move yet, but there won't be much spare to do fun stuff while I stay here (and I shuold be spending anything spare on getting out of debt)

I'm really missing my ex and I know I need the time on my own, but I am starting to wonder how long I can carry on like this. I feel like I genuinely can't see a way forward and that is not good.

I'm trying to hold off going to the doctors, I know they will hand me anti-depressants like they are sweeties but I don't want them. My last experience with counselling was not good, the GP wouldn't refer me to a free one so I ended up going to a student which was good for the pocket, but I don't really think he had very much experience and I didn't get as much out of it as I had hoped.

I know that being negative will only keep me down and keep others from wanting to be around me, but just can't find the energy to kick myself out of this low.

I've read some brilliant books the last couple of days (got 3 days off from work to try and get my head together, plus an empty weekend with no harp stuff so a good old break really) but still can't see a way forward.

I am seeing a friend in London on Saturday which will be great , I know she is having similar issues at the moment so at least there is no pressure to be the life and soul of the party, plus we are off to the V&A and we have a combined passion for fashion so I am really really looking forward to it.

Tomorrow I am seeing the vicar who was going to be marrying us, she has been good to talk to but I know she talks to my ex as well and I have a feeling he is not being totally truthful with her. It's so hard to know what to do and to see clearly.

I desperately want to go away on holiday, but I don't want to go on my own and can't find anyone to come with me. Feeling like a right old sad sack at the moment!

Here's hoping my next post will be a bit more light hearted! :eek:

little_h_2

oh dear..... had quite a positive day back at work but it's all gone wrong now.

Just added up all the debt and realised I am in a worse position than I started this adventure with - new total an eye watering £29,170 :eek:

I know why this is (because of the split with my fiance) but it is still heart breaking. I have been on this journey for 9 months and while I can't pretend I have lived like a pauper, I haven't been extravagant either, and now I feel like this is never ending.

If I look at it a bit more positively, I had cleared about £1700 from my balance, but have had to borrow approx £4k because of things I was committed to on the basis of having another income from my fiance.

Other positives - I have earnt a tidy sum from my harp playing and this has paid for the paint job on the outside of the house, which now looks very smart indeed I had expected to have to borrow to pay for this, so I am really really proud that I have been able to earn the money elsewhere.

I had wanted to get some bike stuff in before the end of the racing season, but had decided even before the big add-up 5 minutes ago that I had to be sensible and hold fire for a bit on this one. I am devastated about this, I really am tired of fighting this debt.

I feel utterly cornered until I can sell my house. I know I am lucky that I am not in negative equity or anything like that, but I am cross with myself for being over generous through my divorce, out of guilt, because although I have a nice house and some equity in it, it is crippling me both financially and emotionally keeping it going.

It's all my own doing but I feel so alone, really there is only my dear diary to sob to - my mum knows there's a lot of debt but not how much, some friends know but not how much (or are in more themselves so don't really sympathise).

I am trying to keep focussed on getting the house straight and on the market but it's such a mountain to climb along with working as well. I'm back to 6 days a week for the next 5 weeks. I don't have children so again I know that it's nothing compared to what others have to bear, but I am still so sad because I can't handle it on my own.

Reading all this back I think I need some serious help but I just don't know what to do. The only answer is to sell the house, but it will take me time to get through all the little jobs that need doing and there is not much practical help available - my mum and dad are in the process of moving house, and I can't afford to pay to get anyone in.

The thought of starting afresh in a tiny little house with (hopefully) no debt (or at worst just a bit plus the car loan) and lower monthly outgoings and the chance to have a long break in the sun is keeping me going.

**battens down hatches for a long long slog **

little_h_2

evening all

sounds weird, but I only just realised the wedding-that-would-have-been is now just 16 days away. I had thought it was a longer way off than that!

I need to cancel the stuff I had booked for the day before, a little hen do at the spa near the hotel we were going to stay at and where the reception was going to be.

went back to the hairdressers last night to get the big dramatic haircut/colour corrected - I didn't like the colour so they have changed it. I've never ever gone back to a hairdresser before to complain, but it cost me a lot of money that I couldn't afford to waste, so I am kind of proud of myself for standing up and saying it's not good enough!

however in the hairdressers, 2 of 'our' songs came on and now one of them has just been on the telly which has prompted me to post.

had a good couple of days, got loads of work done at home which is a big change for me, and my mum has been here for a couple of days and has finished painting the bathroom for me and made a start in the kitchen, it's looking brilliant.

I have decided that by the end of next week, I will have put my house up for sale. I will be decorating my spare room this weekend so will be able to get the agents round to take photos of the best bits. everything else can be done as and when, I'm not expecting masses of viewings but at least if it's up for sale, then something is in place to start the future for me!

one of the houses I had seen and liked has come back on the market, right at the top of my budget but I wouldn't have to spend anything on tarting it up to my taste, it is perfect as it is (well, from the pictures anyway!). Once my house is up for sale and I have an idea of whether I am going to get any interest, then I can start looking seriously.

I've also seen a really lovely quirky flat which is of interest.

Feeling much more positive at last (not sure how long it will keep up but am thankful for it for now!), looking forward to the weekend. I'm playing for a wedding but they are nice people so it should be a good afternoon's work.

xx

little_h_2

evening all

well I had been confident my spare room would be done by now, but sadly not quite there. I emptied the room which took ages (nearly broke my back moving my ex's leathers) and only had time to paint the ceiling which also took ages.

I am five foot tall with a mortal fear of wobbly step ladders. my mum gave me a slightly more stable small set of steps (like, 2 steps) which I normally use, but the spare room has a high ceiling and I really struggled, was in such a bad mood when I finished it but in a weird way I also didn't want to give in and not do it (even though it wasn't that bad and would haev survived without a fresh coat of paint!)

so. I will try and get a bit of painting done in the week, but this is unlikely. Tomorrow night I have to take the dog back to my ex hubbys. Wednesday I am in London all day and then a music lesson in the evening so I will be shattered.

Saturday afternoon's gig was OK, but was so tired when I finished and I couldn't say no to some wine. I so want to drink a bit less wine but it really feels like there aren't many pleasures in life at the moment other than nice food and nice wine.

my granny rang me the other night so it was nice to talk to her. I saw my mum earlier in the week which was lovely. I am nervous about ringing friends now as the last time I rang, no one picked up and I got really really upset.

I think I am going to make an appointment with the doctor for later this week.

I am kidding myself that I am being positive, but reading my posts above back, and knowing that I have roughly one positive day to two negative days, I need to get some help. I don't want any anti-depressants so will ask for some counselling again. my ex has just been signed off for 3 months with depression, and asked for counselling and been given it, so how on earth I am meant to keep going with everything I am trying to deal with, I just don't know.

I know I should feel lucky, I'm not in negative equity, I am healthy and have people who love me. But I am lonely and in stacks of debt, and I really need a lift and I don't know how to get it from within myself. I am trying to take pleasure in the little things in life, but exhausted with trying to stay 'up' as well as get through the days.

Hoping for a better week next week...

little_h_2

ok...10 days since my last post, took a bit of a break as things were getting a bit depressing!

went to the doctor's last week which had goods and bads. he gave me a week's worth of sleeping tablets and said that he strongly believed after some normal sleep, I would feel better able to cope with things.

While I thought I was sleeping OK (I sleep well once I go and I don't normally wake up again, but thinking back, the last few weeks I am often lying there for an hour or so before I drop off), I agreed he had a point.

So..not having had them before and being quite small, I took the first tablet last week and it knocked me senseless, got quite scared the next morning as there was no way I could drive into work. went back to the other doctor who said he didnt believe in sleeping tablets, cranked out a load of cliches and told me to get on with it :rotfl:

the night after, it took ages to get to sleep. the next night I had a good proper sleep for a good while and felt so much better on Sunday. So work this week has been a bit less fraught and I have felt a bit more positive, although I am still dreading the weekend as I was due to get married this coming Saturday.

My ex fiance came to stay for a couple of days, he knew I was low and I knew it probably was the wrong thing to do, but also it was good because he has cleared some of the bigger bits of stuff out and helped me get the house straighter. We talked a lot but after a few days I started to feel angry about things so it got difficult again.

Monday, I was on right move and saw the lovely house I love to bits has come down in price by £10k. This stirred me into action and my house is now up for sale. I transferred enough junk/clutter around the house to leave some nice looking rooms, and have had pictures done today :T :j

So now I wait and hope and keep everything crossed. I crumbled into temptation and went to look at the house on Monday night, it's (almost) perfect and even the non-perfect bits are not a huge issue.

So.....last day at work tomorrow. I'm helping my parents move on Friday, working at someone else's wedding (my own choice, wanted to be positive and around happy people than mope!) on Saturday and no doubt everything will hit me on Sunday.

I am hoping for a couple of days away next week, seen a gorgeous hotel in Bath and given my love of water and spa-type activities, I reckon I will be in the right place to relax and contemplate my next steps!

dalleDF

Hi Little h, sorry things have been hard for you lately. Sounds like a little break by yourself would be perfect to unwind and get your head straight. Are you thinking you might put an offer in on the lovely house if yours sells quickly?

little_h_2

evening all (i say that like there are lots of people reading!)

well, I got through the weekend. I should have been married on Saturday and on my honeymoon in Ireland by now.

I worked on Saturday, seemed mad to some but it was very good money (although very bizarre playing for someone else's wedding on your own wedding day!) and means I can do something nice for myself this week.

I had a break between the ceremony and the wedding breakfast, so I had a lovely bacon sandwich while reading the Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama (thanks to cherisong for the recommendation). I felt surprisingly calm, I think I had my wobble a couple of weeks ago and the weekend was just something to get past.

My parents have stayed this weekend, we went out for a curry on Saturday night (should have been Pizza Express with clubcard vouchers but I got stuck on the M25 so was too late!) which was nice. I have had a fair bit of wine over the weekend but it's all gone now and I will be trying to stay alcohol free over the next few days.

I did my first 30 day shred in ages this morning, I am so determined to change my lifestyle and way of thinking so I feel more positive and more in control.

i have booked 2 nights in a very nice hotel with a very nice spa in Bath, for later this week. I got my train tickets today, a treat to go in first class but it was only about £2 more than standard and not much more than it would have cost me to drive. I can read on the journey and enjoy it as part of the break (as long as the trains behave! :eek: ). As an MSE nod, I am also doing a detox while I am there so won't need to eat I've never tried any silly diets before but am intrigued and figure the surroundings will be lovely so I will be distracted.

It is expensive but I have earned the money (plus I have done lots on the house) so I won't have to borrow to pay for it. it will be the nearest I get to a proper holiday this year and after all the awful things that have happened recently, I really feel it will be well deserved!

Good news on the house front too - I had 2 viewings on Sunday. The house only went on the market at the beginning of last week so I was thrilled just to get people coming round. The feedback was good but they both said it was too close to the road :mad: which is frustrating but I guess people have to see the house to decide whether the trade-off of loads of space is worth a bit of noise (which isnt even that bad, but then I am used to it).

This has meant lots of decluttering and tidying and a serious cleaning mission, but the upside is that I am enjoying a tidy house and knowing that I can keep on top of the base level. (the remaining clutter/junk is confined to 2 rooms and I will sort through this over the next few days!)

I'm looking forward to a day of peace and quiet tomorrow and then off to Bath on Wednesday

little_h_2

Hi, long LONG time no write :eek:

had a very tough couple of months and hit the ultimate low a couple of times but managed not to do anything about it, mostly because I knew how devastated my parents would be. I have had some awful wake up calls regarding who friends really are etc and this really hurts. I have searched and asked myself if I am such a bad friend, but have stopped that now and am trying to be the best I can be and a lot more careful who I give my energy to.

Debt free journey is almost a year on. I am still in stacks of debt, but all the work I have done on my house has been paid for without adding to my debt. I had to borrow more to pay the balance on my harp which I can justify in all manner of ways which others may not agree with, but it has paid its own way this year and I am teaching my first ever pupil tomorrow which I am looking forward to. If it goes well I could end up with more pupils which would be great.

My house is still on the market but nothing doing. I'm changing agent in a couple of weeks but am not really optimistic. I thought hard last night and really would like to try and stay if I can, but it will be an expensive journey and I will have to sacrifice a lot. But I have to try and balance this with not having much of a life, as we all know, trying to clear debt without this balance never lasts long.

Today I feel the most positive I have felt for a while. The last year has been full of so many ups and some devastating lows, but I have learnt so much and have to thank MSE and its many posters for that.

The honeymoon for one was a great investment. I would desperately love to repeat the experience but will take comfort from the fact that I now know I can achieve a serious amount of relaxing in just 3 days, so if things get bad again, I can try and replicate it as much as possible (barring the spa treatments etc!)

little_h_2

well, I got well and truly into the MSE spirit on ebay free listing weekend and I am delighted so far - packed up 4 items today and got another 4 to send tomorrow. Hopefully I will have happy buyers and nice positive feedback.

I have sold some rather expensive makeup which I bought the day before I went on my holiday at a bit of a low point - tried it at home once, didn't like it, but have recouped most of the cost so that's a result :j plus I have sold a couple of little gifts and magazine freebies plus the USB/ipod cable from my old car - got back most of what I paid for that too so very pleased.

Other MSE things I have done include cooking veggie for the last couple of months - I discovered a really wonderful vegetable chilli a few months ago and it is divine, cheap and goes a LONG way with some rice so have had this, a veg curry, another vegetable chilli and a few cheapy pasta things too. I have drunk a little too much wine recently but this is in much better balance too :T

the next thing I can do to save some money (and I am running out of options now) is to drive slower :eek: as a bit of a speed demon this will be the hardest and saddest I think. I'm not a complete hooligan but I do drive a bit faster than I need to really. Given the mileage I do this could make a really good difference to my fuel costs. I will try it for a month and see how it goes.

I have had my heating on a little but my house is oil fired and the oil is expensive again this year so I am dreading topping it up. I will try and manage as best I can without it

I am planning my christmas presents for everyone so far - I am hoping to buy just for my niece and nephew and spend no more than £5 each. Other than that I will bake goodies and hope people appreciate the sentiment. I will probably get my mum and dad something small as they have been brilliant the last few months. (not that they only deserve presents when they are nice but hopefully you get what I mean!)

I have driven past the house I am hoping to buy but am in two minds about it now. Subconsciously I don't think I am ready for all the upheaval of moving just yet. I have decided to keep the house on the market just in case. In another year or so I will have sufficient equity in the house to clear the bulk of my debt, pay moving costs and leave me enough equity for another small deposit. Hopefully the interest rates won't rise too much before then so that I can keep myself going. I would like to save for a holiday but this will be difficult at the moment. This is a nice dream to work towards, even though there are a few other priorities first

I have started to see a little bit of my ex fiance. Things have changed for him too but I have to go carefully to see if he keeps it up or not. He has a long journey to be debt free and this affects me too - I am not getting any younger and the clock may start to tick soon. But I am trying to not think about the big stuff too much (unlike me who normally worries about everything all the time) - at the end of the day, if I don't have children I will have fast motorbikes and greyhounds instead